The Fantasy of Nightlife

When women go out, they are done up: they have makeup on, their hair is done, they are wearing heels, wearing their best clothes, etc. In addition, nightlife venues are almost always dimly lit, so that any cosmetic imperfections are hidden. In other words, they look their "best."

Men also get dressed up when they go out; but more importantly, they drink. The alcohol makes them more social and confident, more willing to go for what they want. And the magnum of Grey Goose they bought makes them look more important than they are. The loud music and bustling environment makes it unnecessary for them to lead a real conversation, so any lack of social skills is masked. In other words, they also look their "best."

Granted, men often over-drink, in the same way that girls often over-dress. Taking extra shots is the male equivalent of wearing too short of a skirt, or too much makeup. But the point is that, in nightlife, men and women lean on the crutch of added confidence or beauty (respectively) in order to appear more attractive to the opposite sex. The interesting thing is that, in addition to leaning on their own crutch, both sexes actually lean on the opposite sex’s crutch as well…

When men go out, they indulge in the belief that they can get girls who look like supermodels. The truth, of course, is that these guys can only get girls who look like supermodels in the club, and only when they themselves have liquid courage to assist, or loud music to mask their insecurity, or when they have the best table in the club to hide the fact that they are a run-of-the-mill manager in a medium-sized company.

When women go out, they indulge in the belief that they are attractive enough to get confident and powerful men to approach from across a room; but the reality is that they can only attract the men who can act confident after a couple drinks, or guys who know how to look powerful in a nightclub.

While this dynamic is far more exaggerated in nightclubs than it is in bars, it still exists in degrees wherever women are dressed up and men are drinking. Women lean on their appearance and sex appeal to be more attractive than they are normally, men lean on alcohol and status symbols to be more attractive than they are normally; and both sexes bask in the glow of the “results” they get in those circumstances.

This isn't necessarily a problem as long as you recognize what is going on, and enjoy it for the fantasy that it is. But it can be a problem if you let yourself slip into the mentality of “I get a lot of attention from the opposite sex,” when the reality is that you only get a lot of attention from the opposite sex when you go out – in other words, when you participate in the fiction of nightlife. This is significantly different from being able to attract someone in normal life, and assumptions to the contrary might be fueling your complacency.


Related Posts
1. The Analogy Between Confidence and Beauty
2. Bars Are a Bad Place to Meet Women
3. Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys – Part 1
4. Nightlife Tip 1 – Create Space at the Bar

Bars Are a Bad Place to Meet Women

I've met the majority of the women I've dated in bars. There have been plenty of girls that I've met through friends or randomly in public, but in bars, the sheer density of attractive, young, single women is enormously greater than it is on the street or beach or office (or anywhere else); and my dating history reflects that. I've made the point previously that the higher concentration of the opposite sex in nightlife venues is a good thing, and I stand by what I said. But as I've gotten older and come to know myself better, I've recognized two serious disadvantages to meeting women in this way.

1. Randomness

The first thing I've realized is that I don't value the way that I meet women I meet in bars – that is, I don’t value the process itself. I was telling this recently to a girl that I know, and she suggested that it was because meeting girls in bars is "too random." I think this is the common supposition - namely, that because you don't have any history or connection with the people that you meet in bars, there is no foundation for a relationship, and so any attempt at one is doomed. But this isn't the problem. A strong foundation for a relationship is just as much a function of personal compatibility as it is a function of common history or connections. Meeting the opposite sex in a bar isn't unsuccessful for lack of foundation, and it isn't unsuccessful because it is random. It is unsuccessful precisely because it isn't random.

Randomness is actually what we all want, in the sense that we all want our "how we met" story to be unique and unexpected. The more random it is that you met someone to whom you find yourself deeply attracted, the more special it feels, because you know that you were incredibly lucky for it to happen. It's the same phenomenon that makes people appreciate life so much after a near-death experience. You value what you have because you know that you almost didn't have it. As absurd as most romantic comedies are, it says something about our ideals of romance that so many of them start with some permutation of a girl hitting a guy on a bike with her car - randomly - and then falling in love with him. Things are romantic at least partially because they are unexpected, that is, seemingly impossible or unreal. I probably don't need to explain to most women how un-romantic it is to receive flowers on Valentine's Day. It might be nice, and it might be better than never receiving flowers, but it isn't romantic because it is too predictable. It isn't random at all.

Being picked up in a bar also isn't random at all. In fact, it is exactly the opposite of random; it is boring because it is too mechanical, too planned. Guys know that they want to meet girls, they know where to find them, and they go there to do so. Girls know that they want to meet men, they know where they will be hit on, and they go there for that reason. The encounter might take place in an exciting, fast-paced and sexually-charged atmosphere, but that's just superficial ornamentation. Underneath, those meetings are absolutely bland, because they are absolutely intentional.

Yes, obviously, not everyone in a bar is there with the conscious intention of meeting the opposite sex, but the percentage of people who are is infinitely higher in nightlife environments than it is in, say, a shopping mall. And following the train of thought described above, we project that intention onto every person we meet in a nightlife environment, then down-rate the value of those encounters accordingly. I don't value the women I meet in bars because there is nothing special about the way we met.

2. Difficulty

The second thing I realized is that I don't value the effort I make to meet girls in bars. There isn't necessarily anything wrong with the girls themselves, but I don't respect my relationships with them because I didn't have to work very hard to make those relationships happen. Men are very keenly aware that things of low value are easy to obtain, and so we assume (and in most cases are right) that things that are easy to obtain are low in value. A man might have the best job in the world, but he'll never feel good about it as long as he knows that he only got it because his father pulled strings with his professional contacts to make it happen. The same mentality applies in dating.

It hasn't always been this way for me. In my early twenties, approaching a random girl in a bar and attracting her enough to get her phone number took balls and felt like a real accomplishment - because at the time, for me, it was. I was able to have genuine relationships with girls that I met in bars because I respected myself for meeting girls in bars. But I don't anymore, because it has become too easy, too boring. Without the challenges that my adolescent social anxiety used to pose, all I see in bars is a social scene hugely facilitated by dark lighting, loud music, commotion and alcohol. They’re still a great place to have fun and get laid, but they’re not the kind of place where I expect to find a relationship anymore.

Now, does this mean that bars are a bad place to meet guys, or that you should stop going out?

Not necessarily. Despite the fairly categorical nature of this post's title, what I am really saying here is that bars are a bad place for me to meet women at this point in my life. I am no relativist, but the reasons explained above don’t apply to every guy, and they don't apply in every situation. If you meet a guy tomorrow who is the way I was at 22, for whom it is a big deal to meet a girl in a bar, then this isn't going to be an issue at all. And even if the guy you meet in a bar is exactly like me in the sense that it isn't a challenge for him, there is still the possibility of something working out; it just means that you are getting off on the wrong foot. If there is a strong enough connection, "how you met" probably won't be enough to prevent or disrupt it.

There is also the chance that there will be some other coincidence that makes the encounter incredibly random, despite the environment – maybe you find out that you both come from the same town on the other side of the country, or that you have identical ancestry, or that you are both obsessed with the same nerdy sci-fi movie, even though you met in a nightclub. And as I explained in previous posts, you still have to consider the disadvantages posed by what I've explained above, along-side the low probability of getting off on the right foot somewhere less intentional, like a shopping mall or at work.

No, I am not saying that you shouldn't go to bars. I am saying that you should be cognizant of the fact that men – just like women – will not respect or value what comes too easily, whether it comes too easily because (a) it is too mechanical or (b) because it requires very little effort. The converse of this is that men will value their encounter with you in proportion to how (a) unlikely or (b) difficult it was. While this doesn't mean that you should lock yourself in a steel cage and only accept men who are willing to tear it down to get to you, it does mean that you should avoid situations in which every man has easy access to you.

Incidentally, this post could also have been written about online dating, or anything else that dramatically facilitates meeting the opposite sex. You might think of bars and online dating as completely different – even opposites – but they share the strong similarity of taking the difficulty out of approaching (and therefore, being approached by) the opposite sex. Even though it seems like an ideal situation on the surface, the reality is that, for many men and women, bars and online dating are shortcuts. And no one wants to know that they got something important to them by taking a shortcut. Even if online dating or going to bars isn't a shortcut for you, be aware that it might be a shortcut for the guy, and that he is liable to respect himself and the relationship less because of it.


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No, You Aren't a Good Wing Woman

The other night I was out with a friend who had invited some of his coworkers to join us at the bar. A couple of these coworkers were girls. After everyone had arrived, my friend and I started looking around and talking about which girls in the bar we wanted to talk to. One of his female coworkers overheard us and immediately lit up. She jumped into the conversation: “Oh! Which one do you like? Point her out to me. I’ll go and…”

“Wait.” I said, interrupting her. I knew exactly what she was going to say. “Let me guess. You are going to walk over there and get her to talk to me, because you are ‘a great wing woman’ – right?”

The expression of surprise that broke across her face made it clear that I’d hit the nail on the head. But her enthusiasm wasn't deflated yet.

“I am a great wing woman!” she insisted. “Come on, point her out to me, I am awesome at this.”

“Haha riiiight,” I said sarcastically, “you and every other girl…”

I've had this conversation with girls dozens of times. In fact, I've never met a girl who has claimed to be anything less than "the best" or "a great" wing woman. And every time I've let them demonstrate their "skill," they've failed miserably. Unleashing my frustration at so many similarly self-deceived women, I explained this to her, then drove my point home:

“Girls seem to think that ‘being a good wing woman’ means walking up to another girl and asking her about some article of clothing she is wearing, or where she gets her hair done, and then ‘subtly’ (and by subtly I mean abruptly) transitioning into ‘hey, you have to meet my friend Andrew.’ It’s completely transparent, makes me look like I don’t have the balls to do it myself, and generally undermines any chance I would have had with her to begin with. So, I am sorry, but no, you aren't a good wing woman; and no, you cannot help.”

Enthusiasm now deflated, she turned and went to find her other coworkers.

I realize that not every girl thinks she is a “great wing woman,” but I am continually surprised at how many do, how unoriginal their approach invariably is, how vacuous their claims of greatness are, and how enthusiastic they are about the whole thing. My only guess is that, being so used to a passive role in the whole “pickup” exchange, these girls believe that the opposite task is simple, and simultaneously want to exercise some kind of agency in the process for once – in the same way that many men believe that girls "just" have to look good and show up, and would love to have a girl take the initiative from time to time. In any case, after letting a few girls try and fail at it, I've stopped humoring them.

I've actually had one good experience with a girl helping me to meet another girl. However, the “wing woman” never claimed to be good at what she did. In fact I didn't know until afterwards that her “game” was premeditated. Here is what happened:

My friend and I were part of a large group. He and I were talking to Girl A, who knew that I was attracted to her friend, Girl B. Girl B was talking to some other friends in another small group nearby. Without asking my permission or announcing her intentions, Girl A subtly leaned into Girl B’s group, and asked her a quick question. This drew her into our conversation. We shifted around naturally as Girl B joined our group, and Girl A positioned herself next to my friend, leaving me next to Girl B. We all talked in a group for a few minutes. Once I asked a direct question to the Girl B, Girl A turned to my friend and asked him a direct question also, splitting the conversation into two couples. A moment later, Girl A turned slightly to face my friend, so that Girl B and I were further isolated in a personal conversation. Girl B and I talked like this for about 15 minutes, and then I got her number. It was seamless.

It was so seamless, in fact, that I was suspicious, and I asked Girl A afterwards if she’d done all of that intentionally. She smiled knowingly, nodded, and didn't say another word about it. I was impressed.

So next time you find yourself tempted to brag about your wing-woman skills, stop yourself and re-learn the age-old lesson from Girl A: actions speak louder than words.


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The Advantage of Dating After 30

Two women step out of their front doors on a Friday night in New York City. It is the middle of winter and a light snow is just starting to fall. Both women are dressed up and heading out to meet with their respective friends for some drinks. One woman is 23 years old and the other is 32. Both are single and want little more than to ultimately find true love.

The 23-year-old has had one serious boyfriend in her life. She slept with him during all of the 3 years they dated, until he broke up with her soon after they graduated from college. She recently had an exciting night of sex with a guy she met in a bar who was incredibly attractive. He had seemed interested in her - he was even affectionate in bed; but now he isn't calling. In the back of her mind she knows there will be attractive men out tonight, and she is hoping to eventually meet someone she can date seriously. However, she hasn't thought too much beyond the evening and maybe the start of a relationship. Right now, the excitement and nervousness of going to a high-end nightclub for the first time occupies her mind, as she grew up and went to college in the rural South where all they had were a few dive bars.

The 32-year-old has had five "official" boyfriends in her life. She's slept with eight men - four were her boyfriends and two were guys she was "just dating." They seemed interested but faded away after sex. The other two were drunken one-night stands during college, before she knew better - or more accurately, when she learned better. She is growing more and more self-conscious and concerned about the fact that she is still single in her thirties. While she knows she was probably too immature to get married previously, she also knows that her friends and extended family have started raising eyebrows. However, in the past two years she's really started to see trends and mistakes in her dating history, and she encountered a few ideas in books and online, and these have really changed her outlook. She knows now what she did wrong before. While she knows Manhattan is a horrible place for a single girl to live, she hasn't lost hope yet.

As the 23-year-old gets out of her cab in front of the nightclub where she'll meet her friends, the sharp cold bites at her face. It excites her because she only recently moved north, and this is the first time she's gone out to party in the snow. Stepping out onto the busy Manhattan sidewalk wearing high heels and her her new coat, she feels like she is on the set of Sex and The City, or one of her favorite romantic comedies. If she is honest with herself, she sort of expects to meet a guy in New York, though she definitely isn't ready to get married. She has a career and other aspirations to meet before she is ready to settle down.

As the 32-year-old gets out of the cab in front of the lounge where she'll meet her friends, the sharp cold bites at her face. It reminds her of the time three years ago when she first met her ex boyfriend. It was snowing then, too. She'd seen him looking at her earlier across the bar she was at with her friends, but he didn't approach. Then, by fate (she knows now it was just coincidence), they had both walked out of a bar at the same time (closing time). She'd been a little tipsy and given in when her girlfriends pressured her to go ask him for his number. It had felt a bit strange to do it, but in the end they dated for eight months, so for a while she thought it was the right move - at least until he dumped her for a girl who he said was more "his type."

The 23-year-old meets her girlfriends, who are waiting in a big crowd at the velvet rope outside the nightclub. The single question that consumes her mind is whether or not she is hot enough to be let inside. She starts to feel nervous. She knows she is hot, but the other girls waiting to get in look like supermodels. But as the bouncer lifts the rope and chooses her and her friends before all the others, her excitement and ego both skyrocket. "I love nightclubs already" she thinks to herself, as she looks over her shoulder and sees the other girls outside in the cold, watching with jealously as she walks through the door. She feels sorry for the few girls who were clearly older than the others - probably over 30; they definitely aren't getting in.

The 32-year-old meets her two girlfriends at an upscale lounge that they've come to like, mostly because it is never too loud and has a good layout, conducive to meeting new people. It doesn't hurt that the men who go there are generally older professionals, men who have their shit together and don't drink until they fall down. They pick a good spot at the bar and order a drink. They've arrived early so the crowd is still a bit sparse, but this gives them time to actually hang out and talk before anyone else arrives and they get involved in other conversations. As the 32-year-old orders her drink, she chats with the bartender for a bit, because she knows that even a brief conversation with a stranger (male or female) will get her into a more social mood, which might help later if any men want to talk to her. She learned that trick when she first moved to the city and sometimes went out alone. In fact, she'd met one of the girls she was with tonight that way.

The 23-year-old is amazed by the decor and energy inside the club - she's never seen anything like it. She feels like a celebrity, surrounded by the dancers, the music, the lights, the men - the men! Through the heavy club atmosphere she sees them and wonders who these guys are... standing on couches, dancing with beautiful women and drinking expensive champagne by the bottle. Some of them look like they might be famous but she isn't sure. Almost all of the men are drunk already. A guy standing next to her, who looks a bit out-of-place in his simplicity (though he is fairly attractive), raises his voice to ask her what she thinks about the DJ tonight, adding that he would prefer more popular music, but overall he was quite good. "He is good" she says without making eye contact, but she turns away immediately. "What a stupid question," she thinks to herself (though if she is honest, she also admits that she didn't really know what to say in response). She wonders how she can get an invite to drink at one of the tables...

The 32-year-old returns to her friends after her conversation with the bartender to find that a tall, very stylish and attractive man was asking her friends if they could introduce him to her. Her friends oblige, and he immediately isolates her from the group. This screams "predator" to her, but she knows that not all men have great game, so she doesn't bail yet. They talk for a few minutes, but the 32-year-old is further turned off by his constant smirk and the way he keeps touching her arm. She's met men like this before - in fact, one of her ex boyfriends approached her with the same cocky, sexual demeanor. They dated for about a year, but that transparent facade of pseudo-confidence remained throughout the relationship. She eventually dumped him and now considers the whole year wasted - at least from a dating perspective. When the arm-touching becomes a little too much to handle, she tells him it was nice to meet him and politely excuses herself to use the restroom.

The 23-year old and her friends are approached by a bouncer who invites them to drink with "some gentlemen at the VIP table." They gladly agree, and follow the bouncer as he ushers them through the crowd like celebrities. The "gentlemen" welcome them with free shots of a vodka, which looks like it is top-shelf (she gets a glimpse of the label; it is called Stolichayna or Stolishnaya - something like that. It looks so exotic - Russian, she thinks.) The 23-year-old takes a liking to the only guy at the table dressed in a suit; he is very good-looking and seems to be the leader, even though she guesses he is only 24 or 25. She is sure that she can have him because she knows she is hotter than her friends. By now she is getting fairly drunk and they start to dance. After several minutes his hands are holding her waist (she loves that feeling) and they kiss. He sits down with her to "take a break from dancing" and they start to make out on the couch. The music and alcohol drown out everything else and she is lost in the moment...

The 32-year-old returns from the bathroom. Her two friends are now talking to a group of three guys, one of whom is listening more than participating. She can tell from his posture that is isn't shy or socially awkward - but rather patient. This interests her. She intentionally positions herself  right next to him as she re-joins the group. He introduces himself and they start to make small talk. She wouldn't have picked him out from the crowd for his looks, but his understated and confident demeanor is confirmed and grows on her as they talk. A couple times he mentions things in passing that really spike her interest. She would stop him and ask him to elaborate but she is also interested in what he is telling her at the moment. He is clearly experienced and intelligent, and she judges that he is probably at least in his mid-thirties. Although he is older, she's learned over time that this is better than the opposite. At one point it crosses her mind how glad she is to be in a venue where she can hear him clearly. Conversations like this were always impossible in the nightclubs she used to go to in her twenties. Their conversational chemistry is great, and they continue talking for almost two hours...

The 23-year-old is hammered by the time the lights come on at closing time, and she considers herself the luckiest girl in the club because of the guy she "picked up." He invites her back to his hotel room to "keep the party going." Despite her drunkenness, she hesitates. She knows she doesn't want to sleep with him - she remembers how that turned out last time. But she agrees to go anyway, reasoning to herself that she can always tell him no later. As he takes her hand and leads her out of the club and into a taxi, she catches a glimpse of the out-of-place guy who'd asked her about the DJ at the beginning of the night. He has a strangely smug look on his face as she trips into the cab with the guy in the suit. It occurs to her as they pull away in the taxi that the suited guy still hasn't asked for her name...

The 32-year-old is still talking to the quiet-but-confident guy when she realizes it is already a few minutes past midnight. Normally she leaves bars by 11 pm, but she really wasn't paying close attention to the time tonight. She tells him that she really needs to get home so that she can get up at a reasonable hour for her workout. He asks her for her name and then her phone number. She knows this drill; she'd been through it probably a hundred times before, but her gauge of personalities has gotten better and better over the years. She has a pretty good feeling about this guy, so she decides to give him her last name too. He suggests that they should meet up next week sometime for coffee. They say goodnight and go their separate ways. As she walks out the door, she catches a glimpse of the cocky, stylish guy that had approached her earlier. He had obviously been watching in confused surprise as she gave the less-attractive guy her number. "Filtered him out." she thought as she smiled to herself and slipped out the front door and into a passing cab. "Wouldn't have done that ten years ago..."

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Nightlife Tip 1 - Create Space at The Bar

One of the easiest ways a man can approach you in a nightlife setting is to strike up a conversation with you while you are at the bar. He can stand next to you while he is ordering a drink, and wait for an opportune moment to ask you a question or make a comment. The approach is casual, low-pressure on both parties, and gives either of them a subtle way to remain in the conversation (pretend they were going to stay there anyway), as well as a graceful way to exit (i.e. "Well, we have our drinks now - have a good night!").

One of the worst ways a man can approach you in a nightlife setting is to come up behind you and tap you on the shoulder, or grab your arm through the crowd to get your attention when you aren't noticing him. It is abrupt, catches you off guard, puts you (and him) on the spot, and offers no easy exit.

There is a simple thing you can do to facilitate being approached at the bar, and prevent the need for a man to grab or tap you and put you on the spot. Next time you are out, create space at the bar next to you or choose a spot next to empty space - ideally the only empty space. While there may not be any men noticing you or looking for a way to approach, it would be a shame if simple logistics prevented one from accessing you.

The image below clearly illustrates the technique. In addition to the placement, notice the way the girl's bodies are angled in an effort to be more open to men who might approach. This "open" body language signals to men that you are open to meeting new people (usually they notice it subconsciously - but they notice).

As the night progresses and the bar gets more crowded, there will be more pressure pushing people into your "vacuum," and you will find yourself having to move around from time to time in order to always be posted up next to an empty spot. This can sometimes be a good thing since it gives you an excuse to spend time in different spots and be seen by different men. If the bar gets too full, you can apply the same principle as you stand overlooking a railing or balcony, though not having the drink transaction working for you makes this slightly less desirable. Keep in mind that staying in bars too late is asking for trouble, so I am assuming here that you will be gone before this becomes a major problem.

This isn't a magic trick for picking up guys. It isn't going to actively attract men. It will only facilitate the approach of the ones that are already interested. Rather than trying it out this weekend with grand expectations, I suggest making it a habit that you and your best girlfriends do by default, without expectation, every time you go out.


Related Posts
1. Other Nightlife Tips
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Fifteen Red Flags in The Dating World

While none of the items on this list should be considered conclusive on their own, they all point in varying degrees towards "player" or "he doesn't like you enough," and should be recognized as red flags. Watch out for them.

You can be sure that he isn't interested enough, or that he is just trying to have sex with you, if three or more of the following are true:

1. He only invites you to go out with him to bars/clubs, or other places that involve drinking. If he liked you for more than sexual reasons, he would ask you to hang out with him in a normal environment that gives you an opportunity to get to know each other.

2. He contacts you sporadically, and often goes silent for days on end. If a guy is genuinely interested in you, he will crave interaction with you. As long as you are giving him positive feedback when he contacts you, he will maintain or even escalate the amount of contact. A few guys know a little about "game" so his sporadic texts could actually be a poor attempt at attracting you; but men that use "game" tactics heavily are probably just trying to bang you anyway - so your conclusion will be the same regardless.

3. He is overly protective of his cell phone. For example, if you are looking at a photo, he will get up to stand over your shoulder to make sure you aren't looking through his photo gallery; or he will never let you hold his phone. Unless he has something to hide, there should be nothing wrong whatsoever with you looking through his photos or even his texts. Although you should never look through his phone when he isn't around, it wouldn't be a bad idea to see how he reacts if you try this in his presence (assuming you have reason to be suspicious).

4. He only contacts you by text or online chat. These forms of communication are low-investment because they don't require his devoted attention, leaving him free to do other things - including communicating with other girls. If you have what seem to be deep conversations but they only occur (for example) when he is chatting with you online while he is at the office, you should start to ask yourself questions and keep an eye open for other items on this list.

5. He frequently tries to escalate the relationship sexually, while making little or no efforts to get to know you personally. Guys who are interested in you as a person are probably just as horny as guys who have no desire to spend time with you outside the bedroom. But the guy who is also interested in your personality will curtail his sexual desire in order to avoid giving you the wrong impression.

6. He informs you where he is going, but doesn't invite you. For example, on a Friday night he might text you something like "I am headed to [bar name]" without explicitly inviting you, because his goal is to get you to come to him. This is his filter: if you aren't interested enough to come to him (and therefore more likely to get drunk with him and have sex), he will be free to try his chances with other slutty women.

7. He has never seemed nervous or uncertain around you, even at the beginning when he first approached you. Men who are really interested in a woman for more than her body will be careful about what they say and do around her. They might not be visibly nervous, but neither will they be ostentatious nor cocky.

8. He makes open-ended and non-committal plans with you, like "Let's hang out soon." or "We should get together sometime." Men who want to spend time with you will either have something in mind, or come up with a plan, even if it sucks: "Let's go see the new Disney movie - are you free Thursday night?"

9. He avoids going out to bars and clubs with you because he wants to hit on other girls. Excuses about "guys' night out" or "bro's before ho's" are likely just that - excuses.

10. He goes out to bars and clubs a lot. This is almost self-explanatory. Alcohol is the greatest facilitator of easy sex, and bars and nightclubs - although good places to meet men if you use them correctly - are also the only venues other than brothels that facilitate casual sex.

11. He won't spend his Friday or Saturday nights with you. I can't count the number of times I've avoided dates on weekend nights. Men do this because they want to go out to meet new girls, and Friday and Saturday nights are prime time. For a player, the prospect of something better always looms on the horizon. He is sexually ambitious.

12. He never goes out of his way to hang out with you. For example, he wants to hang out until he finds out that you live far away and then he loses interest or asks you to come to him. Or maybe he wants to watch a routine sports game on the only night you have free, so you have to push the date a week. If (what should be) minor impediments stop him from seeing you, you should be concerned.

13. He tells you that he isn't looking for a relationship. Believe him. It amazes me how many of the women who write to me for advice ignore such a blatant comment.

14. He makes plans with you at the last minute. He does this because he is keeping his options open, waiting for something better or more fun with a hotter girl. Maybe he texts you at 7 pm on Friday "Hey what are you up to tonight?" While rules about making him set up a date three days in advanced are quickly growing antiquated as the pace of life increases, the principle that he should like you enough to plan ahead still holds.

15. He doesn't explain any of the above. It is reasonable to think that some of the things above could happen occasionally for reasons other than his attempts to get other women, or his lack of interest in you. But if this is the case, he will make an effort to explain his behavior in order to maintain his reputation in your eyes.


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Think About Where You Live and Work

You may have perfected your look, your personality, your fitness, and your confidence, but if you aren't crossing paths with men frequently, it is all for nothing. You can't attract men that you don't encounter, and you can't encounter men without a social life.

A couple years ago I dated a beautiful, very sweet girl who lived in the suburbs with her parents, about 45 minutes outside the city. She commuted to her job at the local hospital by car, everyday, alone. Her coworkers were either middle-aged (and married) or older. Her family had moved around a lot when she was growing up, so she didn't have a social circle from her childhood. She rarely went out, struggled to make friends, and was generally unhappy. Last I heard she was in-and-out of a relationship with a guy that her mother hated and she was unenthusiastic about at best; but she stayed with him - I assume for lack of other options. This girl was an 8 out of ten in most guys' books, and a 9 or 10 in others'. She was smart, gentle, had an amazing smile and loved to dress up and go out (I always wished I liked her more, but ultimately we didn't click and I had to let her go). It was depressing to see her suffocated by her living and working situation. I always urged her to move away from her parents and into the city, where she could work at a younger hospital, socialize, meet guys, make friends, go out, and generally thrive. But she was too scared to move. She didn't feel comfortable leaving what she knew so well after so long.

Especially if you aren't the most outgoing person in the world, your work and living situation can dramatically improve your social life - or cripple it. And your social live, in turn, determines how frequently you meet new men. The frequency with which you meet new men not only gives you opportunities for meeting one you like, but it also gives you opportunities to practice interacting with men and to learn from your mistakes. I don't think it is a huge stretch to say that your choice of job and living location can play heavily into your success in the dating world.

You might question how simply moving to another location or job will improve your social life - and you'd be right that some additional effort is needed. But the sheer proximity to restaurants, other people, nightlife, museums, parks, stores, etc. - all of this facilitates social interaction. For example, if you live near a gym (which is very likely if you live in the city) you are more likely to meet people when you work out - at a spin class, or even while you are checking in. If you live near a park, you are more likely to run or walk there, and maybe join the sports leagues you see playing there on weeknights. If you live near nightlife, you can invite your coworkers out and give them a place to crash afterwards (this will create memories and develop friendships). All of this can help - in small or big ways - to expand your social circle. It isn't just about crossing paths with men; it's about living where more people are and where more things are happening, it's about exposing yourself to opportunities. In a sense, choosing where you live and work is the most fundamental way of making yourself approachable - a critical part of female game.

Of course you shouldn't completely neglect the financial or professional side of this decision; but does it really make sense to choose how to spend the majority of your waking hours without regard to who you will spend them with, or where they allow you to spend your free time? Does it really make sense to sacrifice opportunities to make friends and meet men, just for a small boost in your career?

So...

• If your job actively prevents you from interacting with people you could make friends with, quit. Your professional life is almost definitely not as important as your social life.
• If live in the suburbs, move to the city. You can find cheap place in any city. If it isn't as nice, get used to it. If you increase your commute 45 minutes a day, suck it up. Spend the time listening to books on tape or talking on the phone.
• If you spend an hour a day on your laptop at home rather than in a coffee shop or some other public place because none are convenient to you - force yourself out of the house.
• If you commute by car when you could take public transportation, consider switching.
• If you pass up opportunities to go out to bars or nightclubs, or to hang out with coworkers because it is a pain to drive into the city - move closer.
• If you don't go out to restaurants occasionally with your friends because you all live in different suburbs and nothing is local to you, move.

The list could go on forever, but you see the point: choose where you work and live wisely, because it will affect your social life, and by extension, your success with men.


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3. Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys: Part 1

How to Reject a Guy at a Bar - Part 2

[Continued from How to Reject a Guy at a Bar - Part 1]

The worst rejections men endure are the ones that are surrounded by rudeness. Men know that not all women will like them; this is expected. If it weren't, approaching girls would be easy. It is only because we know there is the possibility of rejection that most men get nervous and find approaching girls difficult. Being rejected rudely adds insult to injury. So if you are worried about rejecting a guy but preserving his ego, your two goals should be politeness and sincerity.

Most men know long before you say it explicitly that you are rejecting them. We may not be as intuitive as women, but we know attraction when we see it, and we recognize its absence with equal certainty. Your lack of enthusiasm in responding, the inattention of your eyes, your closed body language - all of these things convey the subconscious (and sometimes conscious) message that you don't particularly want to be interacting with us.

So in most cases, men know what's about to happen. What matters is that you show him that you don't think he is worthless just because you don't want to spend your night talking to him. Giving this impression depends on the tone of your voice, your body language and your facial expressions; but it will primarily be conveyed through your smile and your eyes:

• Smile - If a smile doesn't come naturally, try to remember the fact that a man with enough balls to approach you essentially just told you that he thought you were beautiful (even if he just wanted sex, he still thinks this). Let this thought simmer in your mind for a moment before making your move to leave him. It should be enough fuel for a smile of gratitude, if nothing else.
• Eyes - With your eyes, do not try to look apologetic or sad. This would be insincere. Instead, make sure to make eye contact with him. You shouldn't hold his eye contact in a lingering way, which would signal your desire to talk to him again; but neither should you let it be fleeting. Look him in the eye when you tell him that you are leaving. This is a sign of respect, which is something you should have for any well-intentioned man who makes an effort to meet you. Again, remember that he overcame his nerves, or at least was a confident enough person not to have them, and you will feel respect for him; then the eye contact will come naturally.

It is important to note that you do not need an interruption from a friend in order to make an exit. When girls "cockblock" for their friends it is crass and rude (if your friend does this against your will, you should still be able to smile and make eye contact as she drags you away). You don't need this. Instead, you can simply take the next natural lull in a conversation and say "Well, I am going to go find/talk to/dance with my friends. It was nice talking with you. Have a good night." Then walk away.

Do not say "I need to..." Instead say "I am going to..." By telling him what you are going to do, you remove any hint of an excuse from your language: you are telling him what you've decided, not blaming it on something else. Again, this is part of being sincere. It is a little more abrupt, but if it is said politely, with eye contact and a smile, it is better than lying to him about why you "can't" talk to him anymore. It will also save you from his wishful thinking that you would have stayed if you could have - which might result in him showing up again later.

If you struggle with the "walk away" part, it is probably because you don't have the appropriate momentum for your exit. It might seem harsh to walk off suddenly after standing there for a while talking to him. This is easily overcome. As you sense that you want to leave, start to collect your things, or get your money out to pay for your drink, or get down or up from your seat, etc. Do these things without stopping the conversation. He will see this and therefore be primed for your exit, which in turn will make it less awkward for you. It will also help you commit to leaving so that you don't falter and give in if he tries to convince you to stay.

As for men who are extremely rude or inappropriate in their approach, or guys that grope you: just walk away. You owe them nothing, least of all respect.

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How to Reject a Guy at a Bar - Part 1

I recently wrote a post about rejecting men, but a reader (in fact, the author of an interesting blog about women's fashion) recently asked a more specific question: "What is the best way to reject a guy at a bar, as to lessen the blow to his ego?"

Before I get into how to lessen the blow to his ego, consider the following:

1. Recognize that you like being hit on. A lot of girls that say they don't want to be hit on, when what they actually mean is that (a) they don't like having to reject guys they aren't interested in, or (b) they don't want guys to expect them to dance or kiss or go home with them. The actual act of being hit itself on is a pure ego boost, and I've never met a woman who doesn't enjoy this part of it. By acknowledging this fact, you will be better-able to recognize when you are encouraging men's approaches for the sake of your own ego, as opposed to doing so out of genuine interest in him.
2. Don't worry about his feelings too much. While everyone has an obligation to be polite, you definitely don't owe him your attraction, and you don't need to baby him. If he can't handle rejection, he needs to learn how to. Consider your rejection a test of his manliness, and try not to worry about his feelings too much.
3. Stop the interaction early if you realize you aren't interested in him. The less time you spend talking to someone, the less surprising it is when you end the conversation. But if you are trapped in the conversation (in a group setting, for example), you can...
4. Steer the conversation away from personal topics. Focus instead on talking about superficial things, like what is happening around you, how busy the bar is, the lighting, etc. When you don't like a guy, think of your conversation like a hole you find yourself in: the less depth there is, the easier it will be to get out. Steering a conversation involves withholding your feedback on the things you want to avoid discussing (you should actually stay silent or give one-word answers) and then picking out things from his comments that you want to talk about, and playing them up - or else introducing your own topics.
5. If he bought your drink and you accepted, you do owe it to him to stay until your drink is finished, unless he is inappropriate in some severe way (touching you, for example). You don't need to stay until he finishes his, but don't slurp yours down either. A polite exit will sound like this: "Well I enjoyed talking with you, but I need to go find/talk to/dance with my friends now. Thank you for the drink. I hope you enjoy your night." It is important not to start or end these statements by thanking him for the drink, since this will place too much emphasis on the fact that he paid for it, which could make you sound like you are just fishing for free alcohol, and piss him off. But if you are polite and he is upset that you leave, that is his problem, not yours.
6. If you are a nice person, you don't need to worry too much. That is to say, if you are actually concerned about how to reject a guy kindly, you are probably already doing it as kindly as you will be able to. Focus most of your efforts on #2.

So with that backdrop, here is the practical answer...

[To be continued in How to Reject a Guy at a Bar - Part 2]

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What It Is Like to Be Rejected by Girls

[Note: Although I edited this post later, I wrote the vast majority of it after coming back from a bar on the night described, hence the use of the present tense.]

I am fuming right now. Furious. I feel like shit. I just walked in the door after a night out...

The evening started on a high note. I felt great before I went out. I slept well last night, got a lot done today, had a good workout this afternoon, was dressed well and was generally in a good mood. When I got to the bar there was a good crowd and a bunch of cute girls. I started the night by having a beer with my friend John and telling him a few things I've learned about approaching girls. He was just dumped by his girlfriend of three years, so I hoped he could use the pointers to meet someone new. Soon we started looking for girls we wanted to talk to. That is when the rejections started.

Every guy has "on" nights and "off" nights - this was definitely an off night. Only one girl I talked to the entire evening wanted to keep talking to me, and she wasn't attractive. The first group I tried to start a conversation with immediate turned their backs on me, and didn't even acknowledge what I said to them - despite the fact that it was clearly audible. Another girl entertained a conversation with me for a few minutes while my friend talked to hers, and then just walked away without even saying "excuse me," or "nice talking to you," - or even "bye." Another girl, when I tried to get her attention, literally shook her head "no" and turned away without saying a word. She didn't even listen to what I was trying to say to her. Time and time again I was shut down. It was humiliating.

I should mention that I normally have good success when I approach women. I know how to start and carry a casual conversation tactfully, and most women find me attractive. My lack of success wasn't a matter of me being awkward or arrogant. I was doing the same kind of things I do on the nights when I walk out of the bar with phone numbers from the hottest girl there. There certainly are things a man can do to improve his chances with women, but there is also an element of chance. You can't predict when a girl has had a bad day, or only likes black guys, or already has a boyfriend. Sometimes it works out, other times it doesn't; sometimes she likes you, sometimes she doesn't. By some coincidence, tonight was a long series of "doesn't"s.

As the night progressed, my humiliation grew, and then grew into anger. Towards the end I found myself wanting to lash out at these women, to retaliate for the pain they'd inflicted with the effortless and unfeeling turn of a shoulder, or the shake of their head. Like a 5th grader, I wanted to tell them I didn't give a fuck because they were ugly and I didn't want to talk to them anyway; but it wasn't true. I wanted to tell them I didn't care because I already had three numbers that night; but it wasn't true. I wanted my personal sense of worth and value to be completely independent of their response to my approach; but it wasn't. I wanted to not care, but I did.

As a man, the greatest desire I feel is for women. When I can't attract them, I feel worthless, impotent, emasculated. With each rejection, my sense of value was partially sucked out of me and trampled on the floor. And I had to stand there and pretend it didn't phase me, all the while trying to decide if it was worth pushing through the awkwardness and humiliation to see if there is a way to salvage the conversation (and my pride), or if I should just give up, excuse myself and walk away - defeated. Externally I maintained the same expression and held myself poised and upright; but inside, I was crushed. These girls' actions spoke volumes: "I do not value you enough even to entertain a conversation with you." I felt like shit.

I usually have the capacity to endure two or three rejections in a night - maybe more if they are spread out and interlaced with successes. But tonight the rejections piled on the rejections, and there was no recovering. At the end of the night I left the bar feeling dejected and angry.

Not all guys react this way to rejection; others might get embarrassed or saddened rather than angry. But even if the type of reaction is different, the degree will be equally severe. So the next time a guy brushes past you in a bar without noticing you, or doesn't call after getting your number, or stares at the girl next to you without so much as a glance in your direction - take a step back and remember that men have to endure rejection too, even though it takes a different form. It might be tempting to believe that "men have it easy" because we get to choose who we approach and when; but the truth is that women have just as much power in their ability to refuse a man's approach, as we have in our ability to initiate. And it hurts no less for a man to be told he isn't worth a girl's time than it does for you to be told (through a man's words, actions, or lack thereof) that you aren't worth his.

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How to Improve Your Posture - Part 2

In a previous post I pointed out that if you want to control your posture, it is more effective to remind yourself of your strengths each time you catch yourself slouching, than it is to simply attempt to correct the posture itself. This is because poor posture is a symptom of low self-esteem, not just a bad habit.

Here is a good way to put this fact into practice:

Everyone has a few really good photos of themselves - photos in which you look your best (thinnest, hottest, happiest, most confident, etc.). The camera caught you at your best angle, you were wearing your best colors and your hair looks really good. You probably enjoy looking at these pictures because they make you feel good about yourself. It isn't just a matter of looking good; these pictures probably capture a certain poise or spirit of which you are proud - they illustrate you at your best.

Choose the best of these photos in your mind. The next time you catch yourself slouching, remember that photos, and specifically, remind yourself that you are the person in that picture. You will automatically and immediately (albeit temporarily) correct your posture. With repetition, you will begin to see yourself as the person in the photo more than you see yourself as the person who slouches. Before long, perfect posture will be a habit.

How to Get "The Right Kind of Attention"

My model for understanding the way a woman acts and dresses has always been something like this: the more a woman dresses like a slut, the more attractive she is; but the more a woman acts like a slut, the less attractive she is. In other words, the most attractive women are those who dress like whores but act like good girls. Impossible, right? Probably. But it is the ideal nonetheless, just like a woman's ideal is a man who is extremely powerful and physically attractive, yet in touch with his emotions and sweet - which also does not exist.

In any case, I was out the other night and I ran into a girl I'd met a few weeks before at the same bar. We started talking, and somehow got onto the topic of how women dress...

"It's simple for a girl" she said. "If you want to pick up a guy to get laid, or to make out, you wear a short, tight skirt and low-cut cleavage. But if you want to meet a guy to date, you..."

"...wear something modest." I interrupted, somewhat smugly. "That's what every girl thinks and it's complete bullshit." I was about to explain to her that good guys and bad guys alike are both equally attracted to a woman's body, and that behaving modestly is far more important than dressing modestly, when she cut me off:

"Wait, I wasn't finished! That wasn't what I was going to say at all. I was going to say that you have to choose one or the other."

"One or the other?" I asked. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you either wear the short, tight skirt, or the plunging neckline - but not both."

I was silent. I literally paused for several seconds, thinking about what she said. I was still somewhat shocked by the fact that she didn't buy into the absurdly false cliche that a woman attracts good men by pretending that good men don't have sexual impulses; but I was also intrigued by the nuance of her idea. It was honest, and it bore the hallmark complexity of truth.

"Huh... That's really interesting." I said, pensively. "I actually spend entirely too much time thinking about these kinds of things, and haven't thought of that before. You might be on to something." I paused again for a few seconds. "I need to think about it more, but I like the idea regardless. I've always thought that women are more attractive the sluttier they dress and the more modestly they act, but I might have to re-consider that now."

The jury is still out. The girl won't return my calls either...


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Some Older Women Are Smart

"You want to check out Vin de Syrah?" I asked my brother, as we walked up Fifth Avenue.

"Yeah sounds good. I liked that place last time."

"OK, but I need to piss pretty bad... let me run into Seersucker right here and use the bathroom, then we'll go."

Seersucker is a newer, swankier bar in the Gaslamp area of San Diego and has quickly become a popular place for people in their thirties. The crowd is generally a little classier and more mature than in most of the surrounding bars and nightclubs, but the women are usually older - even though they know how to dress and present themselves well.

I knew we'd only be in there a few minutes, but as we walked through the crowd towards the bathroom I couldn't help but to scan the crowd for girls. Two immediately caught my attention. They were both attractive, and although I could tell that they were probably a couple years older than me, one was definitely my type. She had long, black, straight hair and light skin, with dark eyes and a wide smile. More importantly, she was wearing a small, tight cocktail dress and high heels. There was no way I could leave without at least trying to talk to her.

In the bathroom I asked my brother "Did you see those two girls? The dark-haired one had a slamming hot body. She looks a little older than me, but she is gorgeous, and that dress and those heels are ridiculous. I just want to talk to her quickly before we leave."

On the way out I walked over and said hello and started talking to them. They were friendly, and we had a fun conversation. A couple times I took a natural opportunity to look down at the dark-haired woman's body, and I almost had to stop myself from drooling. It was impeccable. I wanted to tear off that tiny dress and handle her small, perfect, frame. After seeing the girls up-close, though, my suspicion about their age was confirmed. When they asked about my brother's and my ages, I asked them how old they were. The one I liked was 29 and her beauty was clearly starting to fade. Five years ago should would have been a ten. That night she was probably about an eight.

Our conversation was interrupted by another guy who wanted to talk to the girls. He had zero game, and the interaction turned awkward quickly. The girls excused themselves to go to the bathroom.

"Never let a girl choose to leave the interaction and then be found waiting for her to come back," I told him, imparting one lesson I'd learned a few times the hard way. "You will look like a chump. Let's go sit at the bar until they come out." And that is what we did.

A few minutes later they walked out of the restrooms. I could tell they were looking around for us where we'd been talking to them earlier. They didn't see us, so they started making motions to leave the bar. As they walked past us on the way to the door, I caught eye contact with them and asked them if they were heading out. I had to get the dark-haired girl's phone number. I knew from how smoothly the conversation went earlier that she would give it to me. I knew that I couldn't date a girl her age, but neither could I resist that body and hair.

We made small talk for a few moments about where they were going next, then they started towards the door again.

"Before you go, let me take your phone number." I said to the dark-haired girl as I pulled out my phone. "I'd like to talk to you again."

The dark-haired girl laughed. "You want to take my number?" she asked, amused. "But you're 28!"

"Yeah, haha, I know. And you are 29. Listen, the only girl I've loved was a year older than me. It can work." I said this - truthfully - as I opened a new contact in my phone, ignoring her resistance - which I assumed was just an attempt to see how serious I was about her. It might be true that I was too young for her, but I knew that wishful thinking prevented most women from actually acknowledging this, so the possibility didn't cross my mind.

At this point, any other girl who had shown as much attraction to me as this girl would have stepped in to look over my shoulder as I put her number into my phone. But this girl's body language didn't include even the slightest motion towards granting my request. She literally laughed it off. I forget now exactly what she said next, but in that moment I realized that she was absolutely serious in her refusal, despite of how playful she was about communicating it. The sum total of her words and body language said "Ha! You must think I am stupid if you think I am going to give my phone number to a guy younger than me. You know as well as I do that it won't go anywhere; don't play dumb. I like you, but let's not be naive here. Goodnight."

As she said "Goodnight," and walked out the door with her friend. I sat there, stunned and confused, as my brother and I watched them walk out the door into the street.

"What the hell was that?" I asked my brother. But the question was rhetorical, because I knew exactly what it was. It was smart.


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Smoking and Dating

There is nothing I hate more than people who are self-righteous about not smoking. Far too many Americans have fallen prey to the excesses of anti-smoking campaigns. They actually get genuinely upset or frustrated when they see someone else making a conscious and educated decision to smoke. So let me preface this post by pointing out that I don't give a shit if you smoke. Do what you want.

I don't smoke. A few months ago I met a European girl at a nightclub in San Diego. I got her number and we went out a couple times. I didn't know at first that she was a smoker, but I wasn't very surprised when I found out - after all, she was European. The first time we made out, I could taste the cigarettes in her mouth, even though it had been hours since she'd smoked one. Because I was trying to have sex with her, I didn't bring it up.

However, the next time I did point it out to her. It would have been dishonest to continue to pretend that I didn't notice it, or that it wasn't a big deal. So after kissing for a little while I stopped and said, "You know, your mouth tastes like cigarettes. I don't like it." She was clearly embarrassed, but I didn't dwell on it. The point was made; there was no need to prolong her embarrasment. We did stop kissing though.

The next time we went out, she informed me that she had quit. I honestly believe that - despite the brief embarrasment - the two sentences I uttered did more to help her chances with men than any other two that had fallen on her ears in her life.

If you are dating a non-smoker, you can be sure that he is repulsed by the taste of cigarette smoke, and probably the smell as well. While some non-smokers might tolerate it, they do not like it. If you are dating and he makes no mention of the fact that it bothers him, you can be sure he is very attracted to you. If he is willing to risk mentioning it, he is probably not very attracted to you.

If you only smoke a couple cigarettes a week, it probably isn't a big deal either way from a smell and taste perspective - assuming you brush your teeth afterwards. But there are many men (in the United States anyway) that are more repulsed by the idea of smoking than they are by STDs or dreadlocks. As absurd as this might be, it is the way it is.

Countless men have told me that they would never date a smoker, and a large number of guys have told me they think it is disgusting. I've never been told by a non-smoker that that he didn't really care if a girl smokes.

Again, I am referring only to guys that don't smoke. Guys that do smoke obviously are a different matter. Most of them don't care if a girl smokes or not. Some might prefer it.

It is worth noting that smoking does facilitate social interaction in bars and nightclubs. You can always go to the smoking area and strike up a converstion almost immediately. But the number of men that want a girl who smokes is negligible.

So like I said at the outset, do what you want. But if you are trying to attract men, smoking isn't helping you.

Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys: Part 2

Continued from Part 1.

So if you agree that bars are a reasonably good place to meet men, which ones should you go to? Onviously you will want to hang out in (a) the kind of places that the kind of men you want to meet are most likely to be, and (b) places that you enjoy being. Thankfully, these two criteria will normally point you in the same direction. It is only within these criteria that you should apply the suggestions below:

1. Avoid extremely loud places, so that you can have a conversation and get to know the guys a little better than you would otherwise. I suggest places with a rooftop or outdoor section.
2. Try to go to places where everyone is standing up rather than sitting down at individual tables. This facilitates interactions.
3. Go to places with activities or things going on: beer-pong, go-go dancers, shuffleboard, etc. It is much easier and less awkward for a guy to ask a girl "is that your friend on the mechanical bull?" than to walk up and just introduce himself.
4. Go to crowded places. Crowded places encourage proximity, which translates to more interactions and opportunities for guys to approach you. I used to go to this bar that was always packed from end to end, to the point that you could barely walk around. It was a pain in the ass to order a drink, but it was incredibly easy to talk to women because we were literally stepping on each others' toes.

However, far more important than where you go out, is when you go out. If you leave the bar by 11:00 pm or midnight (in the United States), you automatically filter out 90 % of the men who are interested in sex alone. These men usually need alcohol to approach you; and even the ones that don't know that most girls won't be able to overcome the social stigma associated with taking them home until they are four or five drinks deep. So they aren't going to make advances until later in the night. Actually, a lot of them won't even arrive until later in the night, for that very same reason.

This phenomenon isn't entirely a matter of the promiscuous people being in bars late and the prude people leaving early. Like most things, it isn't that black and white. The same guy who might ask for your number sober at 9:00 pm will take you far less seriously if you accept his drunken approach at midnight, in the same way that you will take him less seriously for being drunk. As the night progresses, and so does intoxication; men and women alike change their motivations and expectations.

It isn't easy to walk out early. I am sure a lot of girls (perhaps most) rarely get hit on until after midnight, and that kind of affirmation can be a hard thing to turn your back on. I could even see how  in some ways it would be helpful to receive that attention; it could help realize that men are interested in you. But if your main concern is filtering the good attention from the bad, leaving early is the best way to maximize your chances of meeting someone worthwhile in a bar.

Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys: Part 1

In the comments to a recent post, I suggested that a reader not give up entirely on the idea of meeting guys in bars. Another reader asked why not:

"I'm curious that you suggest not to write off the bar scene entirely. I'd be interested to know your reasons for this and also what kinds of bars to spend time in versus which ones not to."

The way I see it, it shouldn't be necessary to prove that bars and nightclubs are a good place to meet guys; this is ostensibly the case: they are full of people of a similar age, looking their best, in a social mood, with no obligations to prevent them from meeting new people and engaging in conversation. On top of all of that, approaching random members of the opposite sex is socially acceptable in bars, to the point that it is almost expected. There is also an unlimited supply of alcohol - the most potent social lubricant.

It is only when you start to look more closely that you start to see some of the negatives:

• A fairly large portion of the patrons are interested in - if not actively looking for - casual sex.
• A lot of guys rely too heavily on alcohol to approach women, and end up being drunk and sloppy.
• It is often too noisy to have a good conversation.
• There is a lot of competition.

The real question is whether or not these negatives outweigh the obvious positives. I don't think they do.

• Yes, a lot of men are looking for casual sex, but if you filter properly, the time you waste on them will be negligible. 
• The guys that drink too much are easy to spot and are essentially filtering themselves out for you. 
• Noise makes things difficult but not impossible in most cases, and it can be controlled by being selective about where you go. 
• The additional competition you'll face in a bar isn't as big of a deal as it might seem, since all men have different taste in women. 

Even if these negative points exclude a significant portion of the men in a given bar or nightclub as potential dates, there are still more remaining than you could meet in most other places. In other words, despite the presence of guys that are not worth talking to, you can you get more exposure to more men in a short period of time in bars than you can elsewhere.

I'll post Part 2 soon, which will discuss how to choose a venue.

How To Improve Your Posture

In another post I wrote about the importance of posture to a woman's attractiveness. I suspect this is probably interesting to many women, but not helpful without some indication of how can it be improved - which is what I'd like to elaborate on in this post.

First, I think it is necessary to understand that poor, hunched or closed posture is a deeply subconscious attempt to introvert and close oneself. It is an effort to literally protect the vulnerable front of one's body - that is, the area where our vital organs (groin, gut and neck) are most exposed. Poor posture is a manifestation of insecurity, whether it be physical, social or emotional. The deeply entrenched nature of a person's posture makes it incredibly difficult - indeed, virtually impossible - to change by repeated acknowledgement and correction. I know people who have have been doing this for years, but their posture remains unaffected. I used to have poor posture myself, and for a while made similar "acknowledge-and-correct" efforts, but they were futile.

My posture now is very good. The change was not one I consciously forced, however. Instead, it followed naturally from an improvement in my self-image and confidence. This was a gradual process, but it was was marked by distinct points at which I recognized my value, and more importantly, my potential. This would happened when I saw some similarity between myself and someone I admired, or upon some concrete accomplishment that made me realize that I was capable of things I hadn't thought I could do (or do well) previously. Accomplishment breeds confidence, and accomplishment is the product of initiative and effort - both of which are controllable.

But my personal experience is not the only evidence for my point, by any means. Consider, too, the people you know who have the best and worst posture (aside from the elderly, who have less control over these things). Almost without fail, the ones that slouch are also insecure or very humble, and the ones that stand up straight do so in proportion to their confidence. The correlation is unmistakable.

So rather than straightening up when you recognize your poor posture, you would do better to acknowledge your strengths and excuse your weaknesses, at which point your posture will improve naturally. Far more importantly, if you want to stand up straight, you need to begin to do the kinds of things that will allow you to respect yourself. If you are too timid to carry on a conversation with a man, start practicing so that you grow more comfortable. If you hate the fact that you are overweight, start setting weight-loss goals for yourself and penalties if you fail to meet them. If you have been wallowing in the wake of a bad break-up, shake it off, get back on your feet and start dating again.

These things are not easy to do, but I've seen the effect they can have on a girl's life, and they are worth the effort. They also become easier the more you do them and recognize their benefits. Taking charge of the things that you've previously been unable to master is the best and possibly the only way to improve your self-image, and therefore your posture.

Posture And Attractiveness

Components of Feminine Beauty by Attention Deserved

I've estimated previously that a woman's posture accounts for 3% of a woman's external attractiveness. And because posture is 100 % controllable, I concluded in the same analysis that it was worthy of 5 % of the time that a woman spends on her appearance. This might not sound like much, but that 5 % was second only to fitness, hair and makeup. In other words, once you take care of those three (obvious) things, you should be shifting your attention - not to your nails, breasts or even the color of your clothes, but to your posture.

Posture is important because it is a direct projection of your sense of self-worth. Looks are critical, even for long term relationships, but without personality and confidence you will not get past a first date or a purely sexual relationship. I plan to write a lot more soon about the importance of personality, and when I do I will make the point that a woman's sense of her own value is vital to her internal attractiveness. Posture is the subtle but primary mode by which that sense of value is conveyed, and men definitely notice - whether consciously or subconsciously. A woman with good posture exudes confidence, and confidence demands attention. Attention, in turn (the good kind at least) breeds attraction. In addition, being the external expression of an internal state of mind, posture is also a large contributor to external attractiveness.

I went to a bar last night, as I am apt to do on Wednesdays, and ran into a girl that I know and occasionally flirt with. She varies between a 7 and a 10 (depending on how she presents herself) - a very good looking girl, and in great shape too. She was sitting on a stool, hunched over - clearly tired and ready to head home. After chatting with her for a little while, her posture started to bother me, so I told her "you should sit up straight, you look a lot better that way," as I placed my hand on her back and shoulder to straighten her out. She laughed, agreed and sat up straight.

I had always known that a woman's posture makes a difference, but this was one of the clearest examples I have ever seen - suddenly she seemed alive. As she lifted her upper body, her back straightened and her chest pushed out, accenting her breasts and diminishing her previously scrunched-up waist; her neck straightened and appeared more slender; her hair fell more naturally over her shoulders and neck: her physical beauty radiated.

But these were merely the physical changes. In addition, her head was lifted - probably by about six inches - so that she became more present in the group, and her beauty was magnified by its sheer prominence (this is an argument in favor of female height that I have perhaps overlooked until now). She also seemed more confident, as if she could accept or reject any guy that approached her - and looking the way she did sitting up straight, she probably could have. Finally, she smiled. The effect of holding herself up triggered the emotions that normally cause her to hold herself that way, and she was visibly happier. A new energy seemed to come over her. While she was slouching she had seemed tired, maybe even ill; but now she appeared healthy, youthful, alert, engaged, exuberant.

But here is perhaps the most interesting and telling part: when this girl corrected her posture, I felt a distinct pang of intimidation. It surprised and dismayed me, because I was sure until that moment that I had this girl wrapped around my finger. Suddenly the roles were decidedly reversed. The impression only lasted a moment, because her mood and attitude were not organic and ingrained; but it still concerned me afterwards - what if she had appeared that way when I first met her? And if she had maintained it, would I have ever been able to gain the upper hand? This is the power of posture.


Related Posts
1. How to Improve Your Posture
2. How to Improve Your Posture - Part 2
3. The Importance of Heels