How to Set Up Your Friends

Most women I've met like the idea of setting up the single men in their lives with the single girls in their lives. In other words, they like match-making. Mothers seem to love this more than most, presumably because it puts them back in touch with the romantic spark that is often dead in their own relationships. Perpetually single girls love this too, probably because having influence over someone else’s love life is the next best thing to having control over your own. But normal girls like it too, and this is understandable because it is only human to want to have an influence on other people's lives (it is human to want to have influence in general). In the same way that it is empowering to know that you were the one who got your friend the job that was the springboard for her career, it is empowering to know that you introduced her to the guy that finally gave her confidence in her dating life, or even the guy that she eventually married.

Now, let me preface what I am about to say by pointing out that setups are usually a bad idea. In the vast majority of cases, the very fact that your friend needs help finding love is a good indication that your attempt to help is going to fail. This is because the problem is never one of "just not having met the right person yet." It always runs deeper. Maybe she is insecure, or too introverted, or overweight. Maybe she is trying to be masculine, or makes herself unapproachable. Whatever the case, her inability to take charge of her own romantic life isn't merely a matter of bad luck; it is a symptom of a deeper problem, which your attempt to introduce her to someone new isn't doing anything to solve. It's like giving another book to a child with a learning disability, and thinking "this time he'll get it." Exactly. It isn't going to happen.

So with that background, let's take a look at what most people do when they try to set up their friends (because this blog is for women I am going to use the example of a girl, but guys make the same mistake). Once a girl sees a potential match in her social circle, she goes to the girl and guy separately, and tells each of them that she knows "someone that they have to meet." She might tell each person a few things about the other, maybe show them some photos, and she gets them to agree to the setup. Then she arranges some kind of event at which the two people have the opportunity to meet each other. She's "really good at this" because she never lets either person know that the other one knows it's a set up. That way it won't feel forced or awkward. Perfect, right? Wrong.

The problem isn't that the person thinks that the other knows about the setup. The problem is that the person themselves knows they are being set up. And they knew this the very moment the girl told them there was "someone that they had to meet." This does two things: first, it generates expectations and makes both parties feel like they have to perform, which of course results in an encounter more awkward than a new graduate's first job interview. More importantly, however, and what I want to point out here, is that it destroys the single most important thing for someone who struggles with their dating life: autonomy.

Let's look at this from a the guy's perspective...

One of the hallmarks of masculinity is self-control: men want to be in control of their lives, and by extension, they want to be in control of their dating lives. A man will never feel good about himself if he can't initiate and perpetuate his own relationships. (Remember that his inability to do so is the reason his friends want to set him up in the first place.) By setting a guy up, you are essentially stepping in and putting training wheels on his bike - reminding him that he cannot handle himself. Yes, it might be true that he rides poorly (or not at all) without those training wheels; but by taking control of his dating life you are making him feel like a child, and he won't respect himself for any girl he "gets" with your help. He also won't respect any girl that he needs help to meet, because men know instinctively that women are attracted to men who don't need help: men who are in control and confident with their own capabilities. In other words, he knows he can get a better girl if he gets his shit together and deals with his lack of options himself.

You might argue that without some initial help, a guy (or girl) will never date anyone at all. To use the bike analogy, you might argue that, yes, a guy might not respect himself for using training wheels, but without training wheels he will never learn how to ride. But this argument assumes that his problem is balance. In real terms, your insistence on setting him up assumes that his problem is meeting girls. But as I pointed out at the beginning, this is never the case. His problem isn't one of balance, it is the fear of crashing. His problem isn't one of meeting girls, it is the fear of rejection; and setups do nothing to help him overcome that fear.

There is a feminine perspective on this too. When it comes to match-making, the feminine problem is that a girl will not respect a man who needed the help of a friend (i.e. you) to meet and attract her. This isn't only a matter of judging the man's courage, or the social abilities needed to make a connection with her. Women know that if a man is motivated enough, he will dig down and find that courage, and make something happen - or at least he will try. You want a man who desires you enough to push through a crowd to meet you, or takes some kind of initiative. At very least, you want a guy who does more than accept dates that are handed to him because his friends think he has no other options. A girl who finds herself in a relationship that started that way won't respect him, won't respect the relationship, and won't respect herself. So deep down, girls doesn't like being set up any more than guys do. They might like being single even less, but they'll be even less enthusiastic still about being dumped once their boyfriends wake up, and realize that they are only with those girls because they never had the balls to go for what they really wanted.

I am sure many readers know people who have had successful relationships after being set up, some of which might have even lead to marriage. My parents were set up, and they've been married more than 30 years. Maybe you were set up and are still with your boyfriend. And that's fine. But it doesn't mean that those cases are ideal or likely, or that they do anything to strengthen the inner core of the relationship.

So what do you do? How do you help facilitate a match that you think has potential? Well, you let both the guy and the girl ride without training wheels. You encourage them to take control of their own dating lives, and then you let them do so. This doesn't mean that you can't set them up, but it does mean that you can't tell either of them you are setting them up. Here is what you do: you invite them both to whatever event you've organized, then you sit back and see if they connect. Nothing more, nothing less. If he doesn't take the initiative on his own, nothing happens, and that's OK - or at least, it isn't something you can correct by stepping in and facilitating the connection any more than you already have.

Of course, it isn't always the case that the person you are trying to set up has any problems dating or attracting the opposite sex. Maybe they have plenty of options, and you just happen to know someone who would be a great match for them. But in these cases, you won't need to do anything other than introduce the two people anyway; they will be perfectly fine on their own if there is an attraction, so the strategy is the same: introduce, step back, and let it happen. Nothing more.


Related Posts
1. You Are Responsible For Your Own Romantic Happiness

2. No, You Aren't a Good Wing Woman

3. Don't Initiate Contact

Female Game for Women in Their 30s

[This is the third of a three-part series that describes how to focus your dating efforts in your teens, twenties and thirties. There are links below the post to the other two parts.]

Female game consists of three parts or stages:

1. Making yourself as attractive as possible
2. Making yourself approachable
3. Filtering out the men that just want to have sex with you from the men that want to date you

While these general stages apply to all women, a woman's age, experience and eligibility should factor heavily into her approach to dating if she wants to eventually find a man to settle down with. Therefore, various aspects of these three stages - or the components of each one - are more or less important at different times in a woman's life.

As a girl in your thirties, you are past or moving out of your most eligible years, and should adapt your game accordingly. Other women will get most - if not all - of the "easy" attention from men, so you need to narrow your focus and seek attention only from the men that matter. In order to be effective, you need to be honest with yourself and filter out the men who will waste your time - even when you are tempted by your emotions, pride or biology to do otherwise. Your efforts should remain focused on all three stages of female game, which you should achieve in the following ways:

• Recognize that something is wrong. If you are in your 30s and want to be married but aren't, something has gone wrong. Somewhere along the line you made a mistake. Not you parents, not "society," not your ex-boyfriends: you. Maybe you've let yourself become too assertive, maybe you aren't in shape, maybe you wasted time, or maybe you believed the popular misconception that your career matters most. Whatever the case, you need to recognize that it is time for change. Acknowledging this is the first step towards fixing the problem - whatever it is. 
• Revisit your foundations. There are a number of things a girl should do in her teens and twenties to be successful in the dating world. The majority of these still apply to you. Read the posts explaining them (the links are below this post). Understand them. Implement them.
• Recognize your disadvantage. Men are going to be more attracted initially to younger and hotter girls, and you will get less attention because of it. For better or worse, this is the way it is. You can tell yourself repeatedly that you look "young for your age," you can pretend that celebrities A and B disprove the rule, or you can just adamantly refuse to believe it. In this case, I also invite you to resign yourself to a bitter, single future. The alternative is to recognize the somewhat harsh truth, acknowledge that it has implications for how you need to conduct yourself going forward, and get to work making a bright future for yourself.
• Recognize your advantage. Most women do the majority of their dating in their late teens and through their twenties. Although these younger women have an advantage over older women in terms of appearance, few have the knowledge or experience necessary to date successfully - especially when they try to date sex-crazed and scruples-free men their own age, who have no intention of settling down. Most single women in their 30s have already suffered through these learning experiences, and can navigate the dating world far more efficiently because of it. As a woman in your 30s, you can go on more worth-while dates in a year or two than most 20-somethings go on in a decade.
• Make dating a priority. Success is often a function of priorities rather than abilities. The people we often admire for being great at X or Y are often just the people who really enjoy doing X or obsessively want Y, and have therefore made X or Y priorities in their lives. Your failure to be married by 30 is very likely due to the fact that you focused your efforts on other things in your twenties: a career, travel, partying, etc. Change that. Quit your job, move to the city, get rid of your partying friends, or do whatever else you can to make dating a priority. As the expression goes, "desperate times call for desperate measures." Although "desperate" is probably an overly severe descriptor for your situation, you understand the point: you need to take more dramatic steps towards meeting the right man.
• Avoid men in their 20s. Most men in their 20s - particularly their mid-20s - don't want to settle down yet, and certainly not with a woman who is in her 30s. Yes, there are some exceptions, but you are not one of them. Men in their 20s will want to have sex with you, and will play on your need for affirmation (as in, "Look, I can still attract a 25-year-old stud!") in order to do so. Avoid them categorically.
• Avoid men over 40 who cannot explain their singled status with a specific and believable reason. Men who haven't settled down by their late 30s are probably not going to settle down. In fact, the threshold might be even lower than 40; but if a man hasn't settled down by then he is probably incapable of engaging in or maintaining a long-term relationship.
• Avoid divorced men. If he did it once he'll do it again, and if it was "all her fault" he is lying; relationship problems always go both ways to some extent. Anyway, divorce only happens when it is entertained as a viable solution for problems or dissatisfaction in a relationship - both of which are inevitable. A man who is divorced almost definitely interprets "'til death do us part" with the addendum "...unless something really bad happens." The only exception to this rule is when the divorced man takes partial responsibly for the divorce: "True, she did X, Y and Z wrong, but I realize in retrospect that I pushed her away because of A, B and C." 
• Avoid married men. It amazes me how many e-mails I get from women asking how to handle a man who is unwilling to break up with his wife to start a relationship with her. Trying to break up a marriage is not only dubious from a morally standpoint, it is also a terrible idea for the women attempting it. She is fighting an uphill battle, trying to get commitment from a man who (a) already has committed to another women, even if he no longer loves her, (b) has all kinds of difficulties that complicate leaving her (children, house, etc.) and most importantly, (c) can easily hide his lack of true interest in you behind his inability to leave her, e.g. the lie "Baby, I would commit if I could leave my wife but you know I can't right now." The truth? He just wants sex on the side and he knows he'll never have to prove his claim.
• Don't be afraid of the nightlife scene. Some bars and most lounges are still decent places to meet men for you. I routinely go out and see plenty men and women in their 30s. In some places they are the majority. True, there are a lot of men there who are just looking for sex, but there are also more men willing to talk to you there than in daytime venues, and you have the savvy to avoid the ones who are only interested in sleeping with you. By being selective about where you go, and leaving before men's drunkenness is in full effect, you dramatically increase your chances of meeting decent men in nightlife venues. I am not saying you should neglect other social opportunities in order to hit the bars, but if there isn't anything else going on in the evening, don't use "I am too old" as an excuse.
• Continue to improve your appearance. The vast majority of women in their 30s will be able to look better a year from now than they do today, simply by working to improve their appearance. You might think that you've already "perfected" your look, when the reality is that you've just come to terms with it. Do you dress and do your make up like the 30-something models you see in clothing magazines? Are you in perfect shape? Do you understand your complexion perfectly? Etc.
• Filter, filter, filter. Leverage your life experience or dating experience to recognize immediately the men who just want sex, or are uncertain of their future with you. They are wasting your limited time. Treat them like the leeches they are: cut them off, and make time in your life for the men who are interested in you as a person.
• Do not get fat. This is critical. Your figure is crucial to your attractiveness, and you have too many other things working against you to give up control of it. If you are single, over 30 and getting fat, you are pretty much screwed. At best you will have to settle for a sloppy man who doesn't respect himself, doesn't attract you, and doesn't find you attractive. This might be an unfortunate truth, but it is a truth nonetheless. Do not get fat.
• Do not "hang in there." While it was reasonable for your college boyfriend to delay proposing until he graduated or got a steady job, there is no such excuse at your age. A relationship should escalate continually (even if it escalates slowly) until he proposes. There should be no "plateau" or "lag" in intimacy until well after marriage. An excuse about wanting to wait at your age is merely a guise for his indecision. Once he starts to doubt his future with you, I promise that it is the beginning of the end. Make it the end of the end by beating him to the punch and breaking up with him. If he was mistaken, he will ask for you back.
• Stay in shape. I realize I am repeating myself. I am doing so because it is important. As a woman ages, her fitness becomes increasingly important, because it increasingly sets her apart from other women. By staying (or getting) in shape while most other women are starting to fall off the fitness cliff, you will crush the competition. Unless you are already a nutrition, diet and exercise freak, staying in shape will almost certainly require that you become one. But the satisfaction you were used to getting from food will soon be replaced by satisfaction from your relationships with men.

As you can tell from the number of bullet points above that start with "Avoid" and "Recognize," the overarching themes for dating in your 30s (with the intent of marriage) are filtering and acceptance. In other words, screening out the men who aren't interested in a serious relationship, and accepting the fact that you are in a tough situation that necessitates stepping up your game.

Related Posts

1. The Advantage of Dating After 30

2. Female Game for Girls in Their 20s

3. Female Game for Girls in Their Teens
4. How to Adapt Your Game According to Your Results

Female Game for Girls in Their 20s

[This is the second of a three-part series that describes how to focus your dating efforts in your teens, twenties and thirties. There are links below the post to the other two parts.]

Female game consists of three parts or stages:

1. Making yourself as attractive as possible
2. Making yourself approachable
3. Filtering out the men that just want to have sex with you from the men that want to date you

While these general stages apply to all women, a woman's age, experience and eligibility should factor heavily into her approach to dating if she wants to eventually find a man to settle down with. Therefore, various aspects of these three stages - or the components of each one - are more or less important at different times in a woman's life.

As a girl in your twenties, you are moving into and living through your most eligible years, and should tailor your game accordingly. Your goal should be to meet and date as many eligible men as you can, in an effort to increase the statistical probability of meeting one guy that you can really love. In order to do this effectively you need to be honest with yourself, and filter out the men who will waste your time - even when you are tempted by your emotions, pride or biology to do otherwise. This requires that you spread your attention across all three stages listed above, in the following ways:

• Establish the right foundations. There are a number of things a girl should do in her teens to prepare for her twenties. If you haven't done all of these things, or still need to work more on some of them, do so first. Because you have an age advantage over the girls doing these things in their teens, you will be able to learn some of these lessons faster and perhaps more effectively. But these steps are critical - they should not be skipped.
• Adjust and improve your look as you become a woman. Continue to learn about your complexion, make up, fit and style, and continue to improve your appearance. Your efforts in this realms should be informed by three concepts: (a) your appearance matters, (b) your appearance is controllable, and (c) you can always look better than you do now.
• Embrace your sexuality. As you become sexually eligible and your confidence grows, you will begin to feel comfortable in your own skin - in a sense, literally. Your look should migrate from cute towards sexy. There is no longer any reason to hide your body, any more than there is a reason to suppress your smile or intentionally give yourself a bad hairstyle. Show off your figure with class of course, but also recognize that living in denial of your sexuality is a recipe for unhappiness.
• Realize that your male peers are growing up. As you move through your twenties, men will start to gain the upper hand in relationships, due to their high sex drives and promiscuous nature. You should have prepared yourself for this during your teens, but now it means that your defensive game (filtering, #3 above) will become increasingly important. Adjust your disposition towards men accordingly: don't initiate contact, cut off guys who dump you, and - most importantly - wait for commitment before you sleep with anyone.
• Put yourself out there. Now that you are looking for a husband, you should - ideally - meet new men almost on a daily basis. The only way you will do this is by going to places and doing things to facilitate it. Creating this kind of exposure is a huge part of "making yourself approachable." If this means forcing yourself into awkward social situations, so be it. If it means you have to hang out with people that you don't particularly like, deal with it. But living in the suburbs with your parents, skipping happy hours with coworkers, or staying in on weekends will not accomplish this. You are the only one responsible for your own social life, so put yourself in living and working situations conducive to interacting with men, and learn to be social.
• Don't waste your time. If you are interested in getting married, your mid to late late twenties is the best time to find your husband, and your early twenties is a close second. Wasting time in obviously dead-end relationships because you "just don't want to put pressure on him" is bullshit - and is either a symptom of your insecurity, or just stupid. Make sure that your boyfriend knows what you eventually want, then be honest with yourself and cut your losses when you need to.
• Avoid men your own age. For most of your twenties, men your age will be either actively fucking around, or otherwise disinclined to settle down. Most (not all, but most) do not want to get married until their late twenties at the earliest, and they will do whatever women allow them to do in the meantime. You will be fighting a constant uphill battle if you try to date guys your own age. Instead, focus on men who are 3 to 6 years older than you. For example, if you start dating a guy who is 27 or 28 when you are 23, you could conceivably get married a year later. Avoid younger men like the plague and treat men more than eight years your senior with caution - there is probably a reason that they haven't settled down yet.
• Recognize and seize opportunities. While 22 might seem a little young to be settling down, you would be stupid to throw away a lifetime of happiness with a solid man for three or four more years of partying, travel or "independence." In your twenties, the upcoming five years always seem like they'll be the most important ones of your life, but they won't be. By the time you are 30 they will seem almost as frivolous and naive as your early teens seem to you now, so forget your concerns about "missing out." A little foresight at this age will go a long way.
• Know why you are dating. It is easy to get caught up in the emotions surrounding relationships, to the point that you forget why you got into them in the first place. If your goal is to find a husband someday, remind yourself of this when you are tempted to sleep with a guy who clearly just wants sex, or when you realize that you don't want to end up with the guy that you want to win back so badly.
• Decide what constitutes good enough. Forget the notion of "the one" - it is beyond absurd. Only those with an imagination suffocated by Hollywood will lament a loss of "Romance" in acknowledging this. Trying to attract and select "the one" (or even just "the best" one) out of numerous options will inevitably drive you crazy. Think carefully, decide what attributes Mr. Right has, then fight the urge to wait for something better once you find a man that has them. Write down what you are looking for if you find it helpful to do so.
• Resist becoming jaded. As you wade through the sea of men who are below your league, don't like you enough, only want sex, or aren't ready to settle down, make conscious efforts to stay positive about your prospects. This means pausing in the midst of your sorrows after being dumped, and recognizing that you wouldn't value a man that was easy to come by, or that being rejected is part of life. Remember that it isn't your failures (i.e. in relationships) that define you, but how you respond to them: so stop feeling sorry for yourself, get back up, and get back out there.
• Challenge yourself daily. Whether you do this by reading a book about raising children, forcing yourself to confront a difficult social situation, or learning a second language when you'd rather be watching TV, you should be constantly pushing yourself a little bit - improving your abilities, knowledge, and expanding your comfort zone. This is how you will stand out from the crowd.

The overarching themes during your twenties should be increasing opportunities and filtering, but both of these should be done with a solid understanding of the dating landscape - which you can get in part from this blog.

Related Posts

1. Female Game for Girls in Their Teens

2. Female Game for Women in Their 30s

3. How to Adapt Your Game According to Your Results

Female Game for Girls in Their Teens

[This is the first of a three-part series that describes how to focus your dating efforts in your teens, twenties and thirties. There are links below the post to the other two parts.]

Female game consists of three parts or stages:

1. Making yourself as attractive as possible
2. Making yourself approachable
3. Filtering out the men that just want to have sex with you from the men that want to date you

While these general stages apply to all women, a woman's age, experience and eligibility should factor heavily into her approach to dating if she wants to eventually find a man to settle down with. Therefore, various aspects of these three stages - or the components of each one - are more or less important at different times in a woman's life.

Girls in their teens should be mainly focused on stages 1 and 2, and should also focus on preparing for their dating prime - which will come in their 20s. This can be done in the following ways:

• Realize that having the upper hand won't last. Men in their teens are less confident than girls in their teens, and they think less about the opposite sex. The kind of cunning that makes men difficult to manage in their 20s and 30s is not something that many guys in their teens have developed yet (an exception may be a guy in his late teens with older brothers). A few will be naturally successful with women, but in general guys your age will not know how to attract you. This will give you the upper hand in most cases, but you should realize that this advantage will not last. Curb your ego accordingly.
• Don't date exclusively. While teenage relationships might seem important at the time, they will seem petty in five years, and pointless in ten. Your interactions with men in your teens should be fun learning experiences, but nothing deeper than that. The guys you date will change so much in the coming years that you can almost be sure that no teenage relationship will end in marriage.
• Develop your look. Since you aren't trying to lure in a husband yet, you can afford to fuck up more with your appearance. Use that leeway to your advantage: now is the time to grow comfortable wearing different kinds of clothes, try different hairstyles, and take fashion risks in order to learn and eventually settle on your best look.
• Stay a virgin. Wait until you are older and more experienced with life before having sex. There is simply no need to start accumulating sexual partners and STDs now. The fact that all the cool girls are doing it just means that they won't be the cool girls ten years from now; they'll be sluts. If you are so horny that you can't control yourself physically, masturbate.
• Avoid older men. By older men I mean men in their 20s and 30s (or older). You are not experienced or confident enough to be attractive to these men on a personal level yet. The ones that show an interest in you only want sex. And they are dangerous because they probably know how to manipulate you emotionally in order to get it. Stay as far away from them as you can, no matter how attractive they are, or how exciting it is to be with someone older. The time for that will come.
• Observe, Observe, Observe. Take all of the energy you would spend on frivlous, Taylor-Swift-style relationships, and pour it instead into observation. Notice how men act and what they respond to in women. Pay attention to the differences between you and them, since these will only become more pronounced with age. Ignore the advice of your girlfriends (which is probably full of either projection or feminism) and instead pay attention to what men do.
• Be aware of your influences. You will watch countless romantic comedies or read literature that idealizes relationships. Recognize that, although sometimes these have elements of truth in them, they are not based in reality. You will develop unreal expectations if you peg them to fictional characters. If you parents say you shouldn't watch something because it is trash, trust them. Put a strong emphasis on what you observe in real life, not what you consume for entertainment.
• Develop your taste. As you observe guys, try to recognize what it is that you find attractive about the men you are drawn to. By the time you are twenty, you should have a rough idea of the things you like in a man: how important is confidence to you? how much does a guy's looks matter? do you want someone passionate or someone responsible? etc. Notice especially that many attractive qualities are often mutually exclusive (e.g. ambition and easygoing-ness, responsibility and spontaneity, or strength and sensitivity).
• Challenge yourself daily. Whether you do this by willingly embracing social awkwardness,  or by starting an exercise routine, or by working to correct or implement personal habits, you should be always pushing yourself a little bit - improving your abilities, knowledge, and expanding your comfort zone.
• Resist the pressure to be masculine. Your parents, teachers and peers will undoubtedly tell you that your personal success hinges on your grades, your degrees, your career and your accomplishments. No one is going to tell you (the truth) that, in the eyes of men, your value as a woman is much more a function of how much they enjoy experiencing you: seeing you, talking to you, playing with you, relaxing with you, enjoying your energy and openness, and loving you - physically and emotionally. So when you are pressured to get an advanced degree, ask yourself "is this what I genuinely want? will this make me happy?"
• Develop your female friendships. Many women pour all of their efforts into relationships with men. This is understandable at some ages, but it often comes at the expense of female friendships. By fostering female friendships in your teens, you will strengthen them so that they will last through the times when you devote everything to your boyfriend. Then you will still have their support when he turns out to be an asshole, or when you need a social circle through which to meet new guys, or when you need someone to confide in.

In your teens you should be laying a solid foundation of knowledge about the opposite sex, while practicing self-restraint in the face of social pressures to do otherwise. The overarching themes are preparation and patience.

Related Posts

1. Female Game for Girls in Their 20s

2. Female Game for Women in Their 30s

3. How to Adapt Your Game According to Your Results

"Bros Before Hos"

Men place a high value their male friendships. While the following scenarios may not be representative of every man's attitude towards his male friends, they are certainly representative of a large portion of them, and they may very well explain why the guy you have a crush on isn't making a move.

1. "Bros Before Hos"

Situation: Guy A likes you. He is a decent guy, and when asks you out, you decide to give him a chance. You go on a couple dates, but eventually you realize he isn't quite your type and you relegate him to the friends zone. You can tell he is disappointed but there is never an explicit "break up" since there was never a real relationship, just a couple dates. Before long you are hanging out as friends, in larger groups, and eventually meet his friend, Guy B. Guy B is attractive, and even flirts with you, but never makes a move. Maybe he is a little more overt with his affection when he is drunk, or flirts more with you when Guy A isn't around, but the status quo always returns and you get discouraged and confused.

Explanation: Guy B likes you - maybe even a lot - but he isn't making any advances because it would be humiliating to Guy A if his friend ended up with the girl that he wanted but couldn't have. While he wants to be with you, he places more value on a long-term friendship with Guy B than he does on a potential girlfriend - however much he thinks he likes you at first glance. In a guy's world, the two relationships are mutually exclusive.

2. Most Guys Won't Cross Swords

Situation: You got drunk at a party/bar and slept with Guy A. The next week you are out with a similar group of friends, but Guy A doesn't come out because he is away for the week. Guy B, however, does show up. He was also there last week and is actually much hotter than Guy A, but had a girl with him last time and wasn't paying attention to you. This week he flirts with you a lot but doesn't ask for your number or respond to your strong sexual advances. You go home alone, feeling insulted.

Explanation: Guy B wants to bang you, but he was there last week when Guy A told his buddies about having sex with you. Not only is Guy B kinda creeped out by the thought of his junk touching the same vagina as his friend's, but you slept with his buddy first, so he feels like he is second best if he hooks up with you now, after his friend.

(NB - For some reason, enlisted military guys do not care about this. They will actually fuck you at the same time - maybe even touch dicks in the process - without a second thought.)

3. He Pointed You Out First

Situation: You are in a bar having a beer with your girlfriend when Guy A and Guy B approach the two of you. They are both cool, but Guy A is hitting on your friend while Guy B is talking to you. This is a problem because not only do you think Guy A is hotter, but you know that your friend actually prefers Guy B, so in your minds, things are completely mixed up. Although you try a couple times to change the conversation so that you can chat with Guy A, the guys eventually bring it back. You end up giving your number to Guy B when he asks, and Guy A takes your friend's number. It's great that you met them, but you wish the pairing had been the other way around.

Explanation: Guy A and Guy B saw you and your friend from across the bar. Guy B pointed you out to Guy A, and suggested that they go together to say what's up to you. Guy A had actually seen you two at just about the same time as Guy B, and was more attracted to you than he was to your friend. In fact, he probably would have hit on you himself if he'd seen you a minute earlier; but because Guy B already had his hopes up about meeting you, Guy A encouraged Guy B, and played wingman with your friend (he asked for her number in front of you so that you would be more receptive about giving yours to his friend). Since the guys' initial conversation established who was going after whom, they both actively fought to maintain the conversation pairing when you attempted to change it. While Guy A sacrificed an opportunity to get a date with a cute girl (you), it was more important to him that he support his friend, who pointed you out first.