How "Hard to Get" Should You Play?

Every woman has been advised at one time or another that she can increase her attractiveness to a man by showing him less interest, that is, by playing "hard to get." Most people don't disagree with this advice, at least not completely; they understand that there is a psychological mechanism by which people tend to want what they can't have. But there is plenty of disagreement about the degree to which this tactic should be applied. A lot of girls obsess over how to strike a balance between "too easy" and "too hard to get." They analyze text messages, scrutinize their response times, stress out about when is the right time to sleep with a guy, or wonder if they will lose their chance with a guy off by not making a move themselves.

The reality is that there isn't any strict rule about how "hard to get" you need to play. Or rather, it varies for each girl and in each situation. Some girls need to apply it more than others. There are girls that immediately cling to any interested guy that meets their minimum requirements, and these girls could benefit quite a bit by showing some self-restraint. On the other end of the spectrum, there are girls with colder dispositions that would dissuade even the most persistent men by playing any harder-to-get than they already do. How hard-to-get you should play also depends on the guy in each situation. More persistent men will push through a higher amount of resistance, while those with a lot of options or lower degree of interest in a girl will be more easily deterred. You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out where exactly along each spectrum you and he lie, and how to calibrate your behavior accordingly.

The good news, and the main point I want to make here, is that you really shouldn't over-think this. If a guy is interested in you, there is a wide margin between the behaviors that will make him think of you as "needy" and "uninterested." It will be incredibly difficult to change his interest in you by small things like agreeing too readily to a date, or being too enthusiastic in your texts. As long as you are agreeing to go out with him and not acting bored when you spend time together, you are showing more than enough interest to avoid discouraging the average guy. And as long as you aren't asking him out all the time, or initiating contact with him regularly, you aren't going to appear needy enough to turn him off.

Now, if a guy isn't that interested in you, the thresholds for "needy" and "uninterested" will be closer together, and smaller "mistakes" might cause him to change his mind about you. The girls that obsess over their behavior or the content of their text messages are usually dealing with a guy like this. In fact, his nonchalance about the relationship is usually what drives this hyper-awareness in the first place. The mistake these girls make is to think that their behavior that is responsible for the guy's decision to stop seeing them. While this is true in the limited sense that their behavior triggers the guy's decision, the reality is that his lack of interest was making it next to impossible not to trigger that decision.

Think about it this way: if a guy can be turned off just because you use the wrong adjective in a text, or sleep with him a couple dates too late or soon, or do some other small thing "wrong," then there isn't enough attraction there to sustain a relationship anyway. It was a losing battle from the outset. If the guy doesn't like you enough that you can behave naturally, then he doesn't like you enough for a relationship to last. There is no way you can perpetually guard every word and action around him, or control every emotional impulse forever; at some point you need to be able to relax and be yourself, and he needs to like what he sees when you do so. If you are in a situation where you are stressing out about what to do or say around a guy, your problem isn't your inability to know how to act, or your inability to calibrate your behavior, it is your inability to be comfortable with rejection.

This phenomenon can be illustrated with a simple plot, as shown below. The whole point is that it isn't worth spending your time in a dating situation that falls to the left of the dotted line. If you do, there won't be enough leeway between "needy" and "uninterested" behavior to allow you to be yourself in the relationship. In order to avoid the (red or blue) "no date" zones, you'll have to be constantly guarding your behavior in the same obsessed way that you are right now, as you attempt to get into or hold on to the relationship that is causing you so much stress. Where exactly the dotted line falls is something you need to decide for yourself; but you need to recognize that a limit exists. Until you do, you are going to give yourself a lot of grey hairs - and have nothing to show for it in the end.

Incidentally, guys make the same mistake all the time in their attempt to attract girls. It is particularly evident when you watch guys trying to figure out how to approach and pick girls up. If you could see how obsessively men try to figure out the right thing to say to a girl, or the best way (or time) to approach her, you would know exactly what I mean.* Men are constantly over-analyzing these things. What many men don't realize, is that if they need to force their behavior into a tiny, perfect mold in order to attract a girl, then they aren't going to be able to hold onto her for very long. The act can't be maintained forever; eventually they will need to relax and behave naturally, at which point the tailored personality that attracted her will disappear, and so will she.

In light of all of this, the goal - for men and women - should be to work at self-improvement slowly and steadily - in the long-term, but to relax and be themselves with the opposite sex in the moment. So if you are finding yourself constantly calculating your next "move" in a relationship, or watching your words too much, recognize that you are probably fighting a losing battle. Take a deep breath, relax, and focus instead on making yourself vulnerable to the possibility of rejection. Remember, sometimes it is a good thing.

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* In fact, you can see this if you just do a Google search for "pick up artist" or "approach anxiety" and read the uncountable number of websites, blogs and books that have been written in an effort to perfect these things. In fact, I am convinced that men freak out about this stuff way more than women do. Perhaps this is because the pressure is on us to make the first move, but the obsession is still there.


Related Posts
1. Self-Improvement Takes Time
2. On Being a "Typical" Girl
3. Get Used to Rejection
4. Living Vulnerably
5. Don't Initiate Contact

Why Getting Him Back Won't Help

I need to give some advice that doesn't fall strictly into the category of "here is what you don't realize about men" (or what men like) - not because I want to change the theme of the blog, but because the misunderstanding it corrects is rampant in young relationships, and hopefully pointing it out will free some mental space in the minds of young women so they can instead focus more on their misconceptions about what men want, or other more-important things.

I have answered dozens if not hundreds of e-mails asking for advice about how to correct a relationship after a break-up or a break-up attempt. They usually sound something like this:

My boyfriend and I have been together for over three and a half years. About two weeks ago, he told me he was questioning the relationship and thinks he wants to break up. He told me that he dislikes X, Y and Z about the relationship and thinks they are signs that we'd both be better off with someone else.

We talked about it, and eventually he changed his mind, because we were both more open and honest with each other. We ended agreeing to give it another shot, and to do X, Y and Z differently. So we're still together.

I am glad we worked things out, but now I feel like he has all the power. It's like I got "almost-dumped." I'm not completely happy with the situation but I am also unsure about how to proceed. What should I do??

In other situations, one person breaks up with the other, and then (by either party's initiative) the couple gets back together, thinking that "this time it will be better." In either case, the important characteristic is that the relationship reaches or nears its end, only to make what seems to be a thankful recovery.

The main problem in these situations normally isn't that one person can't follow through with the promise to change X, Y or Z (though this too is very frequently true, and a close secondary problem). The main problem, and what most people fail to recognize, is that when a relationship nears or reaches a failure point, its limits are defined.

Prior to such an episode, each party could believe - and usually at least hoped - that the relationship was strong enough to sustain limitless difficulties. Neither party knew how much it would take to break the other's feelings or commitment. But a break-up (or near-break-up) changes that irreversibly. Suddenly one partner knows that the other's commitment has real limits. What was once "a love that knew no bounds" and apparently bottomless, is shown to be of finite dept - maybe even shallow. So the disappointment comes, not because the relationship is broken, but because it is shown to be breakable.

There is an additional aspect of this phenomenon that makes it all the more condemning. While each partner previously compared their other dating options to something of unknown and conceivably infinite strength (i.e. their existing relationship), a doubt-forming episode will mean that they now compare their options to something they know to be finite, and perhaps even weak. Both the man and woman will convince themselves far more easily that things could be perfect with someone else, because their optimism about dating, stripped of its previous object, needs a new outlet. So in addition to seeming weaker in-and-of itself, the existing relationship will now be compared to inflated alternatives.

I have a very good guy friend who has been married for six years. His wife recently asked him for a divorce. He confided in me recently that this is actually the second time it's happened; two years into the marriage she did the same thing. At the time, he refused the divorce. He wanted to try to make it work, so they talked it through and she agreed. He essentially convinced her to "work on the relationship" and try to make the best of it.

Four years later, she's done the same thing, and this time, he isn't fighting it - because now he recognizes what I am saying here. Those four years, he admitted to me recently, were always spent in doubt of her feelings and fidelity, caused by the simple fact that she voiced her discontent. The relationship was ostensibly maintained, but the reality was that it had already been undermined by her attempt to end it; and my friend proceeded to waste four years trying to salvage what he essentially knew was dead after two.

Granted, there are some instances in which a break-up or fight doesn't reveal a relationship's depth, just as there are situations in which you might be willing to live with the limitations that such an episode often does reveal. The point here isn't to imply that all break-ups or fights are premonitions of ultimate failure, but to point out that if you find yourself disappointed in spite of having "saved" your relationship from a bad episode, it is almost certainly because that episode showed you that your relationship is more fragile than you'd hoped. So before you spend all kinds of emotional energy trying to get your boyfriend back or resisting a break-up, ask yourself whether just having him (or just having him back) is actually enough to satisfy you.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup. In fact, this post has been included as one of the chapters, along with others that explain how to react when your ex tries to contact you, how to understand his motives for doing so, and much more.


Related Posts
1. Why Do You Want Him Back?
2. Why Rejection Is a Good Thing
3. Get Used to Rejection

Why Rejection Is A Good Thing

If you get dumped by a guy you like, remember that although this is probably due in part to men playing below their league, it is also the product of you being ambitious in your relationships: you are trying to get the best guy you can, and therefore you are dating guys that might dump you. In moderation, this ambition is a good thing. If you were constantly settling for guys of a low caliber, then of course you would have more success, but you wouldn't be content. 

While it is certainly worthwhile to consider whether or not your standards are realistic, you should also acknowledge how lazy or apathetic you would be to settle for someone below your potential. If you aren't getting dumped by guys, you could probably be doing better.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup, which says a lot more about the importance of rejection and how to use it to grow into the kind of girl guys really want to commit to.

Related Posts
1. Get Used to Rejection
2. Why Do You Want Him Back?
3. What It Is Like to Be Rejected by Girls

The More Confident He Is, The Less He Likes You

I recently had the following conversation with a friend of mine:

"Dude, that girl I really liked - remember, the one from the beach? She resurfaced the other day. She texted me out of the blue. She is going to be in town for the holidays."

"Really? The half-Italian girl? She was pretty hot if I remember correctly. That's cool, but be careful with it - I've had girls I was into resurface like that before, and it's tough. This time you have to have complete control of the situation - show no weakness."

"Yeah man, I know. It's just hard to do that. I am trying to keeping my expectations low this time. I know I need to act around her the way I act around girls that are way into me. It's just so much more easily said than done..."

"I hear ya man. That's the irony of it all. When I am really into a girl, I somehow fuck it up. When I don't care at all, they fall in love with me. It sucks."

I am sure most people can identify with the sentiment, because the same phenomenon happens among women. It is partially the result of what one amusingly accurate website calls "ladder theory," whereby both sexes are constantly trying to attract the best possible mate of the opposite sex. In other words, it is a by-product of the fact that most single people are constantly trying to play out of their league. So maybe the girl that resurfaced in my life recently is simply too good for me, and my attempts to attract her are futile, even if I play my cards right.

However, irrespective of a guy's true value, there is no denying that there is also a large element of control involved: guys can either play their cards right, or "fuck it up," and their ability to do one or the other is closely linked to their confidence. So, for example, even though I might actually be out of this girl's league, the fact that I think she is a ten will initially make it harder for me to demonstrate my true value to her, since I will be less confident in her presence.

I don't think this is news to most people. What I really want to point out is the implication for women:
If a guy is genuinely very confident around you, he probably doesn't feel a strong attraction to you. If he is nervous or awkward around you, he is probably very attracted to you. These are the extremes of a linear scale, so that you can conclude that his confidence is proportional to his indifference.

This seems obvious, particularly the second point. But time and time again I see girls get their hopes up about the fact that a really hot guy gives her attention, even though the quality of that same attention should actually be a warning sign that he isn't that into her. (And anyway, if he is the rare exception to the rule and really is genuinely confident, even around women he really likes, playing a little hard to get won't dissuade him from trying again.)

The best way to judge his confidence is by contrasting his behavior towards you with his behavior towards others, since he could be generally confident, or generally shy. You should also be wary of false confidence, which some men put on when they are interacting with a girl they think is out of their league. Most women can pick up on this intuitively, but it usually manifests itself as excessive cockiness or excessive teasing, and frequently can be read in his body language. Finally, try to judge his actions when he is sober, since alcohol changes the way he acts and usually boosts his confidence.

(Note that over time, he may become comfortable around you and his confidence may grow. This post applies mostly to initial interactions.)

The Upper Hand In Relationships

In a previous post, I made the point that before getting married, women usually get to have sex and relationships with guys that are "out of their league." This is due to the fact that men are more motivated by sexual desire and therefore lower their standards, at least until they decide to settle down.

Men have to work to improve the quality of the woman they can attract, while women need to work to maintain the quality of the man they can attract. Men are constantly trying to attract the best of the opposite sex, while women are constantly trying to stay with the best of the opposite sex. For a man, this means improving his character and appearance so that he is as attractive as possible to the women that wouldn't consider him otherwise. For women, this means improving her appearance and character so that she is as attractive as possible to the men who already want to sleep with her, but as of yet do not consider her for a relationship or marriage.

So while women usually date men that are better than the one they will end up with, men usually date women that are not as good as the one they will end up with. By "good" and "better" I am referring to the overall value of the person, which is a combination of many factors (good looks, personality, physical strength, fame, money, humor, intelligence, etc.). This rule is not absolute and is manifested in various degrees, but on the whole it is true. And more to the point here, it is the reason why women often feel that men have "the upper hand" in relationships. That feeling doesn't exist because men are dominant over women or have some kind of real advantage; it is just because men are strongly motivated by sex, and therefore get into relationships with girls they don't really care about - or at least, they get into relationships with girls who care more about them than they do about the girls, even if only by a small amount. In other words, men only have the upper hand because they have this tendency to play below their league.

"The upper hand" is usually touted as an advantage that men have over women, and in one sense this is accurate. Because men care less, they can afford to be more cavalier, knowing that the girl is more invested in the relationship and therefore more willing to tolerate behavior from him that she dislikes. But while the advantage is real in this respect, there are two important things women should know about it.

1. The man's "advantage" is one over which a woman has direct control. By not initiating, or giving it up easily, a woman can filter out the men that just want sex, and avoid investing too much emotional energy in dead-end relationships. This energy can instead be spent improving herself, and therefore her "league" or dating options. In fact, by the very act of acknowledging her own (current) limitations and not wishfully giving in to a man just because he is hot or rich or famous, a girl instantly and significantly increases her attractiveness. I've met a number of girls that I can tell would like to date me, but are also smart and confident enough to recognize and admit to themselves that I am not (currently) interested in dating them. These girls do not play into my attempts to have sex with them. I have a lot of respect for these girls, and respect matters when it comes time to choose a girl to get serious with.

2. The man's "advantage" isn't as great as it seems. A man's hyper-sexual mindset is not without its faults, but a couple of those faults are perhaps less obvious than the others. The first is that, while the desire for sex leads to the upper hand in relationships, and while the upper hand does bring with it a certain power, this power only exists because the man is playing below his league. A decent analogy is an 17-year-old acing the 5th grade. Sure, he gets straight A's and can dominate the little 10-year-olds in gym class, but his successes are hollow because he always knows he should be in the 12th grade. His victories serve more as a reminder that he is not reaching his potential than as a reflection of his true abilities. In other words, the upper hand - the man's supposed advantage - is necessarily accompanied by a state of perpetual dissatisfaction and a reminder of his underachievement in what is (for most men) the most important arena of his life. You can be sure he is both aware and unhappy about this, just as much as the woman is aware and unhappy of the fact that she has "the lower hand." It is a bad situation for both parties. The second negative aspect of the phenomenon is that getting a girl in your own league is a hell of a lot harder for a guy than you would think, because all of the girls in his league are busy fucking the men in the league above them, or yielding the upper hand in relationships to them.

As I said at the beginning, these are generalizations. There are obviously instances of women having the upper hand in relationships, and in these cases, since the roles are reversed, so are the effects. And as I also mentioned at the start, the phenomenon occurs in various degrees. In these cases, the effects described above occur in proportion to the discrepancy between the value or "league" of the man and woman.

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