You Shouldn't Want a Boyfriend

The other day, a girl I've been seeing casually for a long time told me that she "really needs to find a boyfriend." I've known several single girls who have communicated this to me in one way or another, and they haven't only been hinting at the fact that they wanted me to be that boyfriend; they've also been expressing an honest desire. Some have suggested it through their behavior or by talking around it; but a few, like this girl, have said it explicitly.

The problem with wanting a boyfriend is that it isn't wanting a husband. Yes, of course, for some girls, saying "I need a boyfriend" is just an abbreviated way of saying that they want to meet a guy who they can date and who will eventually propose; but I wouldn't be writing this post if that applied in every case. Some girls only mean that they are tired of being lonely - that they just want companionship and to feel loved again. They might have some minimal requirements for the boyfriend, but the point is that those requirements fall significantly short of the ones they have for their future spouse.

If your end-game is getting a boyfriend, you aren't going to be filtering the men you date for their long-term compatibility. You'll get into relationships that you could have known from the outset would be terminal (if you'd stopped for a moment to think about it), and you'll end up wasting your time. So be honest with yourself about what you want in a man - maybe even write it down - and don't give in to the temptation of temporary companionship and affection.


Related Posts
1. Know Why You Are Dating
2. Don't Let a Guy Waste Your Most Eligible Years
3. Why Men Are Capable of Commitment
4. How "Hard to Get" Should You Play?
5. Men and "Friends with Benefits"

Do You Really Want Dating to Be Easier?

Dating isn't easy. In fact, for anyone with romantic ambitions, it is extremely difficult. There was a time where dating options were far more limited by religion, geography, social class, and family pressure. But these days, dating options are virtually limitless, and ideals about romance are pegged to ridiculous standards, both of which make it hard for people to settle down. When you consider this in light of the fact that people have such varied tastes, it isn't hard to see why it is so difficult to fall mutually in love.

The greatest victories in sports are the ones that follow a difficult comeback. We appreciate them because they are born out of unlikely circumstances, and are the result of a tremendous effort. I remember watching basketball games when I was a kid, and actually liking it when my favorite team was down by a large margin. The way I saw it, the deficit was just potential for a big comeback - maybe an unprecedented comeback, a game people would talk about for decades. While I knew that I might be witnessing a blowout, I also knew that I might be watching sports history in the making. I also knew that I wouldn't be anywhere near as excited if my team won by a large margin - it would just be too easy that way.

When you get frustrated at your lack of success with the opposite sex, stop for a moment and recognize that the same principle applies in your dating life.  If finding a boyfriend or husband were easy, you wouldn't care much for your relationships. Every man would be replaceable, just as you would be to every man. The more you improve yourself in order to find love, or the more years you spend maturing before you can recognize it, the more unique your story will be, and the more you will value the man who marks its end.


Related Posts
1. Why Rejection Is a Good Thing
2. Self-Improvement Takes Time
3. Why Do You Want Him Back?
4. Know Why You Are Dating

Never Say No To Sex

Note: I've removed this post. I wrote it a few years ago and have since come to see that there are some problems with it - namely, the following two problems:

1. At a fundamental level, I think this post was telling women that they should be pushovers - or at least implying it. Telling women to support their husbands or boyfriends sexually is good advice for girls who already had strong personal boundaries, but it is questionable advice for a girl with weak boundaries.

2. I am not completely sure that it is a good thing for sex to be 100 % available to a man, even in the context of a relationship. A masculine man is a hunter by nature, and needs a degree of pursuit in his life - including his sexual life. I am extremely hesitant to tell women to actually withhold sex from their man, because this kind of behavior can too easily turn into bribery (which, for a relationship, is way more problematic then sexual boredom); but at the same time, I don't think advising women to be a living sex toy is perfect advice either. If I do find a way of quantifying what I think to be the right balance between those two extremes, I will write a new post about it.

In addition, I have a couple posts that make the good points without making the questionable ones. They are linked below. 

You can read the original (though annotated) text of the post here: Never Say No to Sex


Related Posts
1. The Analogy Between Sex and Commitment
2. The Analogy Between Sexual and Emotional Support

Know Why You Are Dating

Most of us don't often think of Catholic priests as authorities on dating and relationships (in fact the popular belief is exactly the opposite), but the single most influential conversation I've had about dating was one that I had with a Catholic priest while I was in college. I knew him through my family and hadn't seen him in a while. We were making the standard mundane small talk about how I was liking school and college life, when the conversation took an interesting turn onto the topic of the girl I'd been dating for the last few months. After I told him a little about her, he asked me a very pointed question:

"So do you think you could eventually marry this girl?"

"Marry her?" His question took me aback slightly. "Oh, no, we aren't going to get married... no, I mean, I like her but... well... no... No." It was clearly the first time I had even thought about it, but I knew with certainty that she wasn't the girl I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

"No?" He asked, genuinely confused. "So then... why are you dating her?" If I remember correctly, he actually laughed slightly as he asked the question.

I had no answer for him. The truth was that I just thought she was cute, and she liked me back, so we started dating. But the ridiculousness of my situation was embarrassingly obvious in the very instant he asked the question. I knew that - in light of my certainty - my relationship with her was pointless. Any more time I spent with her was time I wasn't spending looking for someone I could end up with. It wasn't very long afterwards that I broke up with her. Since then I've messed around with more girls than I can count, but I have never dated a girl that I knew I couldn't marry - because ultimately that is what I want.

I worry sometimes when I hear girls saying things like "I want him to be my first long-term boyfriend," or when people under the age of 20 get concerned that they haven't had a serious relationship yet. The implication in both examples is that everyone ought to have a string of relationships before settling down. I remember having the same mindset myself at that age. I see it still in some of my friends. This notion isn't the exception, it is the norm. With Hollywood as our vehicle, we Americans have cultivated the expectation of "dating for dating's sake." We seem to believe there is some benefit to attaching oneself emotionally to another person only to tear away again after a year or so, and then repeating the process until eventually becoming jaded, old and single. Granted, no one hopes for this outcome and we have these peripheral ideas about needing time with a person to test the relationship, but in the end of the day, serial relationships do more harm than good.

As unfair as it might seem, this phenomenon is more damaging to woman than men. For many men, the honest answer to the priest's second question is that they want their girlfriend for her beauty and, in most cases, for sex. In many relationships, men don't get emotionally invested - they just get laid for a while. If the girl gets attached in the process, it just means the breakup will be messier. Even when a man does get emotionally invested, it usually occurs more slowly and to a lesser degree. Sound familiar? If the countless e-mails I get from readers, or my female friends' stories and my own experience are any indication, you know what I am talking about.

Relationships are tough. Breakups are no joke. Yes, the initial thrill of a new relationship is exciting, but each time that excitement grows less and less because you grow accustomed to it. You gradually throw away the innocence that allows for deep emotional attachment to a single partner, in exchange for a series of brief, shallower attachments that cause you to raise your defenses against something permanent. What doesn't end in permanency is bound to end in heartbreak, and if you eventually want to get married, you are doing yourself a disservice by ignoring that fact in the interest of "not over-thinking it" or "living in the moment." While emotional risk is important and necessary in order to find someone you really connect with, dating with no objective is nothing short of reckless.

So before you get involved with someone new, make sure you know what you are looking for - and more importantly for women, what he is looking for. Know what you want from him, and make sure he is on the same page. If you both just want to hook up, great. If you both need a quick rebound, go for it. If you both want someone to settle down with, count yourself lucky. But if you don't know what you want or he doesn't share your motivations, you risk wasting your most eligible years, sustaining emotional damage, and giving away a piece of yourself that you then can't offer to the man you do stay with.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup. This post has been expanded and rewritten as a chapter, along with other chapters that explain how to think about dating and relationships in a way that will help you attract solid, confident men.

You Are Responsible for Your Own Romantic Happiness

I tend to stick to "how to" or observational posts rather than motivational ones, but everyone needs a kick in the ass once in a while. Here is a link to an important post, which men and women alike should read:

http://www.rooshv.com/before-sex-after-sex

The author, Roosh, makes the general point that men and women both need to make an effort if they want to keep a relationship interesting or attract someone in the first place. This quote captures the main idea:

Instead of working towards real change to increase their value, most twenty-somethings instead whine about how life isn’t fair and how bad their luck is, as if there is a concerted effort by the overlords of our universe to keep them single and unhappy. You are responsible for your romantic happiness, and no one else. If there is a problem then get off your ass and do something about it, no matter how many years it takes to solve.

If you are dissatisfied with your love-life, and are reading this blog, you no longer have the excuse of ignorance to mask your laziness. Contained in the growing number of posts are dozens if not hundreds of concrete steps you can take towards attracting a man. You may disagree with some, but if you are a regular reader, you can't pretend that you disagree with them all. Make a list of the few that you think will be most effective and start today.

If you can't do that, or can't take some other concrete step towards self-improvement, then you deserve your own fate. Enjoy being single.


Related Posts
1. Feminine Beauty is Highly Controllable
2. We Have a Shared Responsibilty
3. Why You Should Beware of Romantic Movies

We Have a Shared Responsibility

I was reminded recently of a comment that I once heard a radio DJ make after he played the Destiny's Child song Independent Woman. The song is a kind of self-purported anthem for female independence, and one verse goes like this:

Question, tell me, how do you feel about this?
Try to control me boy you get dismissed
Pay my own fun, oh and I pay my own bills
Always 50-50 in relationships

As the song faded out, the DJ scoffed and said something along the lines of "Always 50-50 in relationships? Clearly these girls have never been married, because if it isn't 100-100 in a relationship, sorry, but it isn't going to work." That comment has always stuck with me.

Because most of the posts I write are about the things women should do to please and attract men, readers might get the impression that I think relationships should consist entirely of a woman constantly working to attract and please her boyfriend or husband. While I do think that a woman needs to constantly work to do so, I also believe that a man has the equally onerous obligation of constantly attracting, protecting and providing for his woman. A man should pour as much energy into his efforts as his woman pours into hers. As the radio DJ pointed out, both parties need to be giving 100 % if they want it to work.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), this blog is not the correct forum for giving men advice about how to make their efforts, which is why it might give some readers an impression of one-sidedness; but I definitely do not believe relationships are a one-way street.

The Analogy Between Confidence and Beauty

Popular magazines routinely publish the results of polls in which both sexes are asked what qualities they are most attracted to in the other. And they routinely discover the same thing: above all other traits, men desire beauty in women, and women desire confidence in men. I am always skeptical of studies based on surveys, but in this instance, observation corroborates the survey results: men really do prioritize beauty in women, and women really do prioritize confidence in men.

While the fact itself might be old news, very few people realize how instrumental it can be in understanding the opposite sex. Typically confusing actions are instantly illuminated in light of these priorities. And you can understand them in terms that make sense to you, by using one of the most powerful tools of thought: analogy.

The next time you are confused by a man’s actions, try the following: Put his actions into words; then replace all of the masculine nouns and pronouns with feminine ones, and any rephrase any references to beauty so that they instead relate to confidence. The situation will make miles more sense that way.

Here are a few examples:

Example 1: “I surprised him at his office, wearing my new dress, with my hair and makeup done; and even though he was preoccupied with an employee who had just stopped by his office to ask him a question, I could tell by the look in his eye that he wanted to close the door, throw me on his desk and ravage me right there.” While you might take it for granted that your beauty attracts him, the fact that you don’t feel the same surge in attraction simply because he has a new haircut, a fresh shave and is wearing a well-fit shirt might make it a little difficult to understand his reaction. But consider the analogous situation in which you witness a display of his confidence: “I walked into his office to hear him giving instructions for the week to the project team. They were all listening intently, obviously impressed by his authority and experience. He looked so sexy giving orders and being admired like that. The second they left, I went over to him, grabbed his shirt and kissed him deeply. He seemed surprised.” While he might not understand how attracted you are by what is a routine occurrence for him, your response is similar to the urge he feels when he sees you looking your best.

Example 2: “We were driving to the party and he started getting on the freeway, but I knew that back roads would be faster. I told him this, and he immediately become annoyed and cold towards me – when moments before he’d been affectionate.” Why would he take such offense to this? After all, when he corrects your driving, you usually take his advice, and he was going the wrong way. The problem is that you’ve effectively undermined his confidence by questioning his judgment. You can understand the effect of this by considering how you would feel if he undermined your beauty: “I’d bought a new dress and had done my hair and makeup perfectly. I knew I looked hot. My husband and I were driving to a party together, when a 20-odd-year-old in a tight dress and heels crossed the street in front of our car. His eyes locked on her and his head turned as she walked across our field of view. Though I’d felt cheerful and affectionate towards him seconds earlier, I immediately felt hurt and distant.” By checking out the girl as she walks by, your husband undermines your desire to be beautiful – and especially, beautiful to him. The hit to your self-esteem is identical to the hit he takes when you question his judgment and thereby undermined his confidence.

Example 3: “Ugh, he is obsessed with looks; he will never find a good girl that is hot enough for him. He’ll end up single.” I expect this sentiment is very common among women. I’ve had it said about me. But you will find just as many men complaining that “She wants a guy that treats her well, but only dates assholes, she deserves what’s coming to her.” Women, of course, realize that they like assholes not because they are assholes, but because they are confident. (They like them in spite of the fact that they are assholes, not because of it.) In the same way, men date women who are boring or stupid, not because they are boring or stupid, but because they are beautiful. The fact of the matter is that men are no more interested in woman’s beauty than women are interested in a man’s confidence.

Example 4: “She dresses kind of slutty, but she still gets much more attention from guys than me; don’t these guys see that she is trashy?” Men are much more likely to look among hot and sexy women for a girl that has a good personality, than to look among nice and friendly girls for one who is attractive. This is because looks matter more than personality to men. To understand this, consider the analogy with confidence: men often say about guys who do well with women “He is so arrogant, but he still gets more girls than me. Don’t these women realize that he is unintelligent and a hot-head?” Women are far more inclined to look for a guy with a good job and at least half a brain among the ones who are confident enough to approach them, than to look among the smart and level-headed guys for one who is confident enough. In the same way that looks trump personality for men, confidence often matters more than personality for women.

Example 5: “She is funny, smart, genuine, cheerful and confident, but I just can’t make myself attracted to her because she isn’t that hot.” Girls are routinely professing their confusion at men’s inability to prioritize what seem (to them) to be the most important characteristics in a potential girlfriend or spouse. The relative unimportance of these qualities will make a lot more sense when you compare them to his confidence rather than her beauty: “He is funny, smart, genuine, cheerful and good-looking, but he is always waiting for me to take the lead, always asks me what I want to do, and is deferential to other men. I just can’t make myself attracted to him because he isn’t confident enough.” (Incidentally, a lot of men are just as confused by this kind of statement as you are by theirs: “But he is letting you do whatever you want – isn’t that a good thing? Why wouldn’t you like that?”)

Don't Let a Guy Waste Your Most Eligible Years

If you are interested in getting married, you need to be well aware of the fact that you are probably most attractive sometime in your mid- to late-twenties. This means that your mid- to late-twenties are the years in which you are most likely to attract the highest quality man you can get. And while I've written a fair amount about maximizing your attractiveness, it all counts for nothing if you aren't single when the right guy comes along, or if you aren't putting yourself out there because you are involved with someone who is only half-committed to you. So in addition to looking your best, you need to make sure you aren't spending time in dead-end relationships.

Time and time again I see or hear about girls who allow a guy to date them for three or four years in their twenties without proposing. This blows my mind. I understand that these girls are holding out in the hope of eventually getting a proposal, but they don't give enough consideration to the possibility that they'll be strung along for another two or three years, only to have him decide that he wants someone else - or worse yet, someone younger. Combine this with a girl's reduced odds of finding someone (let alone someone better) once she begins to age and things begin to fall into perspective; it seems crazy to consider dating someone for more than a year without a very strong confidence about the direction in which the relationship is heading.

If the same graph showed the value of a house you owned over time, there is no way in hell you'd be renting it out for long periods of time between 20 and 30 years, when it's value is highest. You would either leave it vacant during that time for prospective buyers, or at most, only agree to month-to-month leases so that it would be available to sell when a buyer came along with a good price. You'd also be actively advertising the property, because you'd want to take advantage of its high value. I'll let you draw the analogy.

Don't give a guy your most eligible years with nothing to show for it. This is bullshit. If you ultimately want to get married and your current relationship isn't constantly growing stronger (i.e. approaching something permanent), then you need to start asking questions. And if you aren't getting satisfactory answers, it is time to look elsewhere. The clock is ticking.

Furthermore, your time is your responsibility - not his. For better or worse, men will not make commitments that aren't required of them. If he isn't taking things to the next level when you think it is appropriate, break up with him. You can do this nicely, and you should explain your reasoning clearly, but you should still break up with him. More easily said than done? Probably. But it is the best move nonetheless. If he really wants you, he will try to get you back; but if he doesn't, remember: during your most eligible years, you are better off being back on the market than tied up in a dead-end relationship.

What Every Girl's Mother Should Be Telling Her

I've been traveling and busy with other parts of my life recently, hence the shortage of posts. There are plenty more in the works, but for now, I highly recommend that you check out Hooking Up Smart, and specifically, a recent post that coalesces two strong pieces of advice for any girl looking for a lasting relationship:

http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2011/11/10/hookinguprealities/rooshs-brotherly-advice/

If you've read it before, do the world a favor by forwarding it to your sisters and girlfriends, because the odds are that no one else will pass along that information if you don't. It could conceivably change their lives.

You Always Go To The Gym. And You Like It.

Next time you are talking to a guy that you want to make a good impression on, do not mention anything about your infrequent gym attendance. Especially early in a relationship (first date, etc.), this is a great way to inspire his disinterest.

When working out or the gym comes up during a conversation with a girl I am attracted to, you can be sure that I am pay close attention to two things:

1. How often she works out
2. Why she works out

The reason for this is simple: I want to know that after I marry a girl, she will stay in shape, and I know that no woman can stay in shape without frequent exercise. While it isn't impossible for a woman to develop or improve her workout habits after marriage, I prefer to be conservative (read: cynical) in my expectations. I assume that if she isn't working out regularly now, she won't start. In fact, I take it a step further, because the truth is that even if she is working out now, she is likely to stop. I know that one of the primary drives for any young woman's workout habits is her desire to attract her future husband. Once "future" is out of the equation, I know that her gym membership will only remain active if she actually enjoys being fit. So I want to know that a girl is staying in shape for her own benefit and well-being, not just to get a husband. This is the kind of girl that will maintain her figure throughout a marriage, and stay healthy.

Not realizing my scrupulous attention to their comments, girls have told me on numerous occasions "I hate going to the gym" or "I try to go every other day, but I can never get motivated enough." What I hear in these cases is "I will be fat within 10 years." And while I do not rule them out completely for comments like this, they are using up virtually all of their leeway in one short statement.

On the other end of the spectrum, there have been a few girls that - again, probably not realizing how closely I was paying attention - have told me things like "I am addicted to working out. I actually get sort of depressed when I skip a day, it's bad..." or if I catch them on the phone right after their workout "I feel awesome right now, my arms are so sore" as I hear them blending a protein shake in the background. These are the kinds of girls that men with options are looking for.

So while you are actually fostering your workout habits, remember that as far as your conversations with attractive men are concerned: you always go to the gym, and you like it.

Women Get to Play Out of Their League

You won’t find many girls that have had sexual partners uglier than themselves, but you’ll find an endless list of guys that have – in fact, there is a contingent of men that have sex with girls less attractive than themselves almost as a rule. Because men can have sex without worrying about pregnancy, social stigma, rape, less about STDs, etc., they attempt to have sex more often. This is so obvious that it might not be worth stating, but ultimately, it means there is a deficit of women for promiscuous sexual relationships. The relatively high demand for females means that women have more and better sexual options.

Men will usually sleep with women that are between 1 and 3 points lower than themselves on a 10-point scale, which means that women are usually sleeping with men that are 1 to 3 points higher than themselves. Men may get laid more often, or at least, have sex with a larger number of partners; but women get to sleep with men of higher quality, in other words, men that are "out of their league."

I often wonder how much this affects girls’ self-perception. Do women know this, and high-five each other after sleeping with guys far more attractive than themselves, realizing all the while that they will someday end up marrying a guy that is much less attractive than what they've experienced until he came along? Or are they unaware of the above-described phenomenon, and conclude that their sexual exploits accurately reflect their options for a spouse, only to be disappointed later in life?