Your Ex's Birthday Doesn't Matter

One question I receive from readers frequently goes something like this:

"My boyfriend broke up with me because of X, Y or Z reason. It has been tough, but I've been following your advice, and I haven't contacted him at all since it happened. He texted me a couple times asking how I am, but I didn't reply. The thing is, his birthday is next week. It is OK to send him a message to say 'happy birthday'? I don't want him to think I am rude."

The answer is definitively, absolutely, always, without a question "no."

I don't care that you've decided to "remain friends" or how close you still are. I don't care if he got you a huge present last year and you "feel the need to return the gesture." I don't care if you say "but we just broke up a couple days ago," or that "I always do that kind of thing for people I care about, and I still care about him." And I definitely don't care if you "just think it would be kind of mean not to."

Don't do it.

All of the above are rationalizations - mere excuses for remaining in contact with him, for trying to re-initiate something or seeing if he'll take the opportunity to re-initiate something given the chance. He isn't your boyfriend anymore, and as I explain in my book, he really isn't a friend or acquaintance anymore either. He is an ex, you're single, and as long as you are keeping strings attached to him you aren't attaching new strings to someone else.


Related Posts
1. Book Release: Beyond the Breakup
2. No, You Can't Be "Just Friends"
3. Stop Having Sex to Prove He Likes You

Book Release: Beyond the Breakup

After far longer than I ever expected it to take, my first book, Beyond the Breakup, is finally out. You can buy it in print format on the CreateSpace eStore, Amazon.com or any of the European Amazon sites. It is also available in electronic format on the Kindle Store (HTML format) or Google Play (PDF format).

As I've said previously (and I'm sure you can probably tell from the title and subtitle) the book is about understanding and handling breakups - specifically, the ones you didn't want to happen. For more detail about the content, I encourage you to take a look at the chapter list at the bottom of this post and read the book description just below the next paragraph.

As I've also pointed out previously, this book was originally intended to be a compilation of blog posts that I'd written about breakups and rejection; so if you are a frequent reader you'll definitely come across some familiar content. However, in the process of compiling the posts, I realized that a lot more needed to be said, and the book grew considerably. I'd estimate that the blog material counts for only 20% of the total content, so even readers who have read every post on this blog will find lots of new material - most of which I consider my best work to date.

Here is the description from the back of the cover:

"It might seem a bit backwards to write a relationship advice book that deals exclusively with breakups and rejection. It would be a lot more obvious to write a book that explains how to attract a man – or at least how to keep the one you already have. Better to give advice about how to start or maintain a relationship than how to deal with the end of one. 

"However, it has been my experience that, for most girls, a painful breakup or rejection actually is the beginning, not the end. It isn't the beginning of a relationship, obviously, but it is the beginning in the sense that it causes them to question for the first time their approach to dating, relationships, and the opposite sex in general. It is the beginning of their efforts to make a change. 

"This book is not written for women with a weak spirit. It isn't going to tell you how to mitigate the pain you feel in the wake of a breakup, and it isn't going to tell you that everything is going to be fine. And while it will tell you how to maximize your chances of getting your ex back, it isn't going to pretend that there are any 'tricks' to make that outcome likely. However, it will do something much more important: it will give you a strong insight into your ex's state of mind and male psychology in general. This will give you the foundation you need to navigate the breakup and – more importantly – propel yourself into honest and successful relationships with the men in your future." 

 – Andrew Aitken

Here are some of the book's stats:

Word Count: 56,000
Pages: 200
Print Format: Paperback
Print Size: 5.25 x 8 inches (13.3 x 20.3 cm)

Anyway, enjoy, and please let me know what you think, either in the comments here, the comments on Amazon, or by e-mail. As always, you can contact me at therulesrevisited@gmail.com.

Chapter List

Introduction

PART I – UNDERSTANDING WHAT HAPPENED

Men Don’t Fall in Love the Same Way Women Do
The Analogy between Sex and Commitment
Why This Always Happens to You
Changing Your Perspective
Why You Didn't See It Coming
Men Don’t Have “Commitment Problems”
The Difference between Liking You and Liking You Enough
Why Men “Fade Out”
You Weren't Dating Him in the First Place
The Small Things Didn't Matter Anyway
Why Your Ex (Who Dumped You) Is Still Contacting You
Your Ex and Guilt
Your Ex and Pride
Your Ex and Decisiveness
Interpreting His Emotions
What’s Going through His Mind 

PART II – HOW TO HANDLE THE BREAKUP 

The Importance of Silence after a Breakup
No, You Can't Be “Just Friends”
How to Know If You Should Cut Him Off
Why It's Never Too Late
Why You Should Tell Him That You Are Cutting Him Off
What to Say
Managing Your Expectations
When You Should Fight to Save Your Relationship
Exceptions to the Rule
How to Know If You Should Dump Him First
When He Cheats
The Anatomy of Missing Him 

PART III – FOLLOWING THROUGH WITH THE BREAKUP 

Making Him Jealous Doesn't Work
Seeing Him at Work
Keeping in Touch With His Friends and Family
Being Connected with Your Ex on Social Media
Returning His Things and Getting Yours Back
What to Do When He Contacts You
When He Says He Wants Another Chance
Reason and Distraction
Stop Sleeping with Your Ex to Prove He Likes You 

PART IV – MOVING ON AND REBUILDING

You Are Responsible for Your Own Romantic Happiness
Stop Letting Him Waste Your Time
Know Why You Want Him Back
Why Getting Him Back Won't Help
Why Getting Dumped Is a Good Thing
The Importance of Emotional Honesty
Dating Again
Putting the Breakup in Perspective
When You Can Contact Him Again
Reframing the Future 

A Final Word

Related Posts

1. Book Announcement

2. Book Update

3. CLEO Magazine Interview

How "Hard to Get" Should You Play?

Every woman has been advised at one time or another that she can increase her attractiveness to a man by showing him less interest, that is, by playing "hard to get." Most people don't disagree with this advice, at least not completely; they understand that there is a psychological mechanism by which people tend to want what they can't have. But there is plenty of disagreement about the degree to which this tactic should be applied. A lot of girls obsess over how to strike a balance between "too easy" and "too hard to get." They analyze text messages, scrutinize their response times, stress out about when is the right time to sleep with a guy, or wonder if they will lose their chance with a guy off by not making a move themselves.

The reality is that there isn't any strict rule about how "hard to get" you need to play. Or rather, it varies for each girl and in each situation. Some girls need to apply it more than others. There are girls that immediately cling to any interested guy that meets their minimum requirements, and these girls could benefit quite a bit by showing some self-restraint. On the other end of the spectrum, there are girls with colder dispositions that would dissuade even the most persistent men by playing any harder-to-get than they already do. How hard-to-get you should play also depends on the guy in each situation. More persistent men will push through a higher amount of resistance, while those with a lot of options or lower degree of interest in a girl will be more easily deterred. You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out where exactly along each spectrum you and he lie, and how to calibrate your behavior accordingly.

The good news, and the main point I want to make here, is that you really shouldn't over-think this. If a guy is interested in you, there is a wide margin between the behaviors that will make him think of you as "needy" and "uninterested." It will be incredibly difficult to change his interest in you by small things like agreeing too readily to a date, or being too enthusiastic in your texts. As long as you are agreeing to go out with him and not acting bored when you spend time together, you are showing more than enough interest to avoid discouraging the average guy. And as long as you aren't asking him out all the time, or initiating contact with him regularly, you aren't going to appear needy enough to turn him off.

Now, if a guy isn't that interested in you, the thresholds for "needy" and "uninterested" will be closer together, and smaller "mistakes" might cause him to change his mind about you. The girls that obsess over their behavior or the content of their text messages are usually dealing with a guy like this. In fact, his nonchalance about the relationship is usually what drives this hyper-awareness in the first place. The mistake these girls make is to think that their behavior that is responsible for the guy's decision to stop seeing them. While this is true in the limited sense that their behavior triggers the guy's decision, the reality is that his lack of interest was making it next to impossible not to trigger that decision.

Think about it this way: if a guy can be turned off just because you use the wrong adjective in a text, or sleep with him a couple dates too late or soon, or do some other small thing "wrong," then there isn't enough attraction there to sustain a relationship anyway. It was a losing battle from the outset. If the guy doesn't like you enough that you can behave naturally, then he doesn't like you enough for a relationship to last. There is no way you can perpetually guard every word and action around him, or control every emotional impulse forever; at some point you need to be able to relax and be yourself, and he needs to like what he sees when you do so. If you are in a situation where you are stressing out about what to do or say around a guy, your problem isn't your inability to know how to act, or your inability to calibrate your behavior, it is your inability to be comfortable with rejection.

This phenomenon can be illustrated with a simple plot, as shown below. The whole point is that it isn't worth spending your time in a dating situation that falls to the left of the dotted line. If you do, there won't be enough leeway between "needy" and "uninterested" behavior to allow you to be yourself in the relationship. In order to avoid the (red or blue) "no date" zones, you'll have to be constantly guarding your behavior in the same obsessed way that you are right now, as you attempt to get into or hold on to the relationship that is causing you so much stress. Where exactly the dotted line falls is something you need to decide for yourself; but you need to recognize that a limit exists. Until you do, you are going to give yourself a lot of grey hairs - and have nothing to show for it in the end.

Incidentally, guys make the same mistake all the time in their attempt to attract girls. It is particularly evident when you watch guys trying to figure out how to approach and pick girls up. If you could see how obsessively men try to figure out the right thing to say to a girl, or the best way (or time) to approach her, you would know exactly what I mean.* Men are constantly over-analyzing these things. What many men don't realize, is that if they need to force their behavior into a tiny, perfect mold in order to attract a girl, then they aren't going to be able to hold onto her for very long. The act can't be maintained forever; eventually they will need to relax and behave naturally, at which point the tailored personality that attracted her will disappear, and so will she.

In light of all of this, the goal - for men and women - should be to work at self-improvement slowly and steadily - in the long-term, but to relax and be themselves with the opposite sex in the moment. So if you are finding yourself constantly calculating your next "move" in a relationship, or watching your words too much, recognize that you are probably fighting a losing battle. Take a deep breath, relax, and focus instead on making yourself vulnerable to the possibility of rejection. Remember, sometimes it is a good thing.

______________________________________
* In fact, you can see this if you just do a Google search for "pick up artist" or "approach anxiety" and read the uncountable number of websites, blogs and books that have been written in an effort to perfect these things. In fact, I am convinced that men freak out about this stuff way more than women do. Perhaps this is because the pressure is on us to make the first move, but the obsession is still there.


Related Posts
1. Self-Improvement Takes Time
2. On Being a "Typical" Girl
3. Get Used to Rejection
4. Living Vulnerably
5. Don't Initiate Contact

Do You Really Want Dating to Be Easier?

Dating isn't easy. In fact, for anyone with romantic ambitions, it is extremely difficult. There was a time where dating options were far more limited by religion, geography, social class, and family pressure. But these days, dating options are virtually limitless, and ideals about romance are pegged to ridiculous standards, both of which make it hard for people to settle down. When you consider this in light of the fact that people have such varied tastes, it isn't hard to see why it is so difficult to fall mutually in love.

The greatest victories in sports are the ones that follow a difficult comeback. We appreciate them because they are born out of unlikely circumstances, and are the result of a tremendous effort. I remember watching basketball games when I was a kid, and actually liking it when my favorite team was down by a large margin. The way I saw it, the deficit was just potential for a big comeback - maybe an unprecedented comeback, a game people would talk about for decades. While I knew that I might be witnessing a blowout, I also knew that I might be watching sports history in the making. I also knew that I wouldn't be anywhere near as excited if my team won by a large margin - it would just be too easy that way.

When you get frustrated at your lack of success with the opposite sex, stop for a moment and recognize that the same principle applies in your dating life.  If finding a boyfriend or husband were easy, you wouldn't care much for your relationships. Every man would be replaceable, just as you would be to every man. The more you improve yourself in order to find love, or the more years you spend maturing before you can recognize it, the more unique your story will be, and the more you will value the man who marks its end.


Related Posts
1. Why Rejection Is a Good Thing
2. Self-Improvement Takes Time
3. Why Do You Want Him Back?
4. Know Why You Are Dating

Why Getting Him Back Won't Help

I need to give some advice that doesn't fall strictly into the category of "here is what you don't realize about men" (or what men like) - not because I want to change the theme of the blog, but because the misunderstanding it corrects is rampant in young relationships, and hopefully pointing it out will free some mental space in the minds of young women so they can instead focus more on their misconceptions about what men want, or other more-important things.

I have answered dozens if not hundreds of e-mails asking for advice about how to correct a relationship after a break-up or a break-up attempt. They usually sound something like this:

My boyfriend and I have been together for over three and a half years. About two weeks ago, he told me he was questioning the relationship and thinks he wants to break up. He told me that he dislikes X, Y and Z about the relationship and thinks they are signs that we'd both be better off with someone else.

We talked about it, and eventually he changed his mind, because we were both more open and honest with each other. We ended agreeing to give it another shot, and to do X, Y and Z differently. So we're still together.

I am glad we worked things out, but now I feel like he has all the power. It's like I got "almost-dumped." I'm not completely happy with the situation but I am also unsure about how to proceed. What should I do??

In other situations, one person breaks up with the other, and then (by either party's initiative) the couple gets back together, thinking that "this time it will be better." In either case, the important characteristic is that the relationship reaches or nears its end, only to make what seems to be a thankful recovery.

The main problem in these situations normally isn't that one person can't follow through with the promise to change X, Y or Z (though this too is very frequently true, and a close secondary problem). The main problem, and what most people fail to recognize, is that when a relationship nears or reaches a failure point, its limits are defined.

Prior to such an episode, each party could believe - and usually at least hoped - that the relationship was strong enough to sustain limitless difficulties. Neither party knew how much it would take to break the other's feelings or commitment. But a break-up (or near-break-up) changes that irreversibly. Suddenly one partner knows that the other's commitment has real limits. What was once "a love that knew no bounds" and apparently bottomless, is shown to be of finite dept - maybe even shallow. So the disappointment comes, not because the relationship is broken, but because it is shown to be breakable.

There is an additional aspect of this phenomenon that makes it all the more condemning. While each partner previously compared their other dating options to something of unknown and conceivably infinite strength (i.e. their existing relationship), a doubt-forming episode will mean that they now compare their options to something they know to be finite, and perhaps even weak. Both the man and woman will convince themselves far more easily that things could be perfect with someone else, because their optimism about dating, stripped of its previous object, needs a new outlet. So in addition to seeming weaker in-and-of itself, the existing relationship will now be compared to inflated alternatives.

I have a very good guy friend who has been married for six years. His wife recently asked him for a divorce. He confided in me recently that this is actually the second time it's happened; two years into the marriage she did the same thing. At the time, he refused the divorce. He wanted to try to make it work, so they talked it through and she agreed. He essentially convinced her to "work on the relationship" and try to make the best of it.

Four years later, she's done the same thing, and this time, he isn't fighting it - because now he recognizes what I am saying here. Those four years, he admitted to me recently, were always spent in doubt of her feelings and fidelity, caused by the simple fact that she voiced her discontent. The relationship was ostensibly maintained, but the reality was that it had already been undermined by her attempt to end it; and my friend proceeded to waste four years trying to salvage what he essentially knew was dead after two.

Granted, there are some instances in which a break-up or fight doesn't reveal a relationship's depth, just as there are situations in which you might be willing to live with the limitations that such an episode often does reveal. The point here isn't to imply that all break-ups or fights are premonitions of ultimate failure, but to point out that if you find yourself disappointed in spite of having "saved" your relationship from a bad episode, it is almost certainly because that episode showed you that your relationship is more fragile than you'd hoped. So before you spend all kinds of emotional energy trying to get your boyfriend back or resisting a break-up, ask yourself whether just having him (or just having him back) is actually enough to satisfy you.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup. In fact, this post has been included as one of the chapters, along with others that explain how to react when your ex tries to contact you, how to understand his motives for doing so, and much more.


Related Posts
1. Why Do You Want Him Back?
2. Why Rejection Is a Good Thing
3. Get Used to Rejection

Why Men "Fade Out"

Women sometimes complain about men "fading out" - that is, slowing and then ceasing contact after dating for a little while, or else just stopping it abruptly. The alternative, of course, is for the guy to call the girl and tell her directly (in these words or others) "I am not interested in seeing you again. I had fun with you but I can tell it won't work out so I don't want to continue dating."

No guy wants to make that call, so instead, many men simply stop communicating with the girl altogether. I understand that there are a lot of bad feelings mixed up in the experience of slowly realizing that the guy isn't interested, so I want to explain why men do this, try to excuse it slightly, and offer a way of handling it.*

The reasons men "fade out" are simple:

1. It is easier than being direct with you (for him). He doesn't have to fumble through a difficult conversation in which he tries to balance the harsh truth about his feelings for you with an explanation that doesn't hurt your feelings too much. Not only is striking this balance difficult, but there are also implications if he fails to do so - damage to your ego if he is too blunt and ambiguity if he isn't sufficiently forthcoming.
2. It is easier than being direct with you (for you). You don't want to hear the harsh truth any more than he wants to deliver it. True, you might want closure more than you want to avoid the pain of knowing he doesn't want to see you again; but the hit to the ego you receive when a guy fades out slowly is less severe than if he calls you up and says abruptly: "I don't think you are good enough for me" (which is what being dumped amounts to).
3. It would be presumptuous to assume that you wanted to continue the relationship. This is the reason that I think women understand least. Sometimes a man feels like he doesn't have the right to announce his decision to stop seeing you, because he doesn't feel justified in making the implied assumption that you wanted to see him again. Sure, in some instances he might suspect that you do; but he never knows for sure. If there is enough ambiguity about your interest in him, it can very easily prevent him from being direct with you about his decision to stop seeing you.
4. It still conveys the message. While in the short term you might be confused by his lack of contact, he knows that after a few months of silence there won't be any ambiguity about his lack of interest. In the long term, he isn't sacrificing clarity by forgoing the direct phone call.

Girls that have been faced with the need to dump a guy know exactly what I am talking about. In fact, this isn't a singularly male phenomenon, except in the sense that men - due to their promiscuity - tend to be the ones breaking things off more frequently than women.

So how do you handle the situation if a man starts to "fade out" on you? Well, I suggest you start by recognizing that your chief annoyance is the temporary ambiguity - with the emphasis on temporary (see #4 above). From there you have two options:

1. Let the ambiguity dissipate by his continued lack of contact. This is usually difficult in proportion to how disappointed you are that he stopped wanting to see you; but a confident and vulnerable woman does not get very invested in the early stages of a relationship, and anyway is not interested perpetuating things with men who aren't interested (enough) in her.
2. Remove the ambiguity by calling him. Whether you do it because you are impatient or because you are annoyed that he isn't being direct with you, you can always call him to ask for closure. While technically speaking this is initiating contact, it isn't problematic because you aren't trying to preserve the relationship anymore. I suggest saying something along the lines of "Hey, [name], I know things didn't work out between us, and I can live with that; but I just wanted to actually hear it from you and know what changed in your mind." You will be putting him on the spot here, so don't expect much in terms of an explanation, but at least you will get confirmation that he is no longer interested.

_____________________________

* Note that I am only talking here about "fading out" after early dating. If this happens after a long time together, or in an exclusive relationship, the reasons and obligations on the man's part are different entirely.

Related Posts

1. Ask For Feedback If A Guy Breaks Up With You

2. Don't Initiate Contact

3. Get Used to Rejection

4. How to Reject a Guy

When Your Ex Contacts You...

Hello there Andrew,

I reached out to you about three months ago regarding a man that had recently left me after three years. Well you will be happy to know that I have been dating and self-improving like its my job ;). Your keen advice had a major impact on the manner in which I handled the rejection.

So, my ex-boyfriend sent me a text message last week. It was one of those "Hey, thinking about you, just want to say Hi, how are you?" kind of text messages. Not wanting to sound bitter or unhappy, I gave him a three-word reply. He asked another question and I again gave him a very short reply. He stopped texting after that brief interaction.

Part of me is wondering if that was his attempt to hang out with me again and if he was testing the waters with a text message?

I gave him very uninterested answers which he caught onto quickly. Odds are he will not be trying to contact me anymore but I would really like to see him so that I can show-off a little bit. If my motives are not wanting to get back together but reminding him what he gave up, am I exempt from the "cutting him off rule"? Can I contact him in a few weeks to meet up somewhere casual?

Thank you for reading this!! ;)

Brooke
______________________________________________

Brooke,

Wow. This is the perfect example of how you are supposed to handle a man who contacts you after he breaks up with you. So many women would have gotten back in touch with him before he popped up again, or responded to his text with much more than three words. But you played it perfectly - I am impressed.

By the way, wasn't it so much sweeter getting that text after three months of silence than it would have been if you'd been in contact all along? There is absolutely no ambiguity about the fact that he contacted you for the sole reason that he was thinking about you, wondering how you were, and maybe even questioning whether or not he made the right decision in ending the relationship. The clarity of that fact is beautiful.

Now, in terms of showing him what he's missing, I'd be careful about asking him to hang out with you. True, you might sit there and tell him that everything is going fine (i.e. without him) - and it might even be true, as it is in your case. But he could easily misinterpret the fact that you wanted to spend time with him after only three months. After six months or a year, your desire to meet him would be more obviously a case of platonic curiosity about what he's been up to since you last talked. But after only three months, the fact that you made time to see him might outweigh the indifference you demonstrate in a face-to-face setting. So I suggest sidelining that idea for a few months (though I'm willing to bet that by then you won't care what he thinks; you'll probably just be genuinely curious to see what he's been doing).

The more important point, however, is that your silence already speaks volumes - especially because you never once broke it. Your replies, and in particular their brief and unmoved, matter-of-fact tone also communicated to him how much you've moved on. If you hadn't replied at all, he would have assumed that you were so upset or heartbroken that you couldn't bring yourself to talk to him (which would have been a fine way to handle the situation if this had been the case). And if you'd replied with more enthusiasm or tried to engage him in conversation, he would have assumed that you were still in love with him and trying to get him back. In either case, his ego would have swelled, even in spite of any feelings of sympathy or guilt he had. But your brief replies were at once so casual and indifferent that you can be sure his ego was kept in check, probably even deflated. Moreover, he was acutely reminded of his decision to walk away from a confident woman who respects herself and now has a promising future.

As I said, I am impressed. I hope things continue to go well for you.

Good luck,
Andrew
______________________________________________

Update: I had another e-mail from Brooke shortly after the one above, telling me that her ex contacted her again the next day, this time on Facebook, and said "ugh, just read through our log of messages, it takes me back. miss you [pet name]. hope you are well, I miss you a lot! im sure you dont want to hear that but its true..." She did not indicate whether or not she would reply, but it was clear that she viewed this - rightly - as a personal victory (not a victory over him) rather than an opportunity to get back together with him.

Men make mistakes. It is up to you to help them realize it by showing what life is like without you.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup. In fact, this post has been improved and significantly expanded as one of the chapters, and I explain some important attitudes to foster when you engage him. Most importantly, I give examples of what you can say to him, tailored for various situations.


Related Posts
1. Why Rejection Is a Good Thing
2. No, You Can't Be "Just Friends"
3. Cut Him Off

Why Do You Want Him Back?

I get a lot of e-mails from women who are desperate to win back a guy that has slowly stopped contacting them, or explicitly broken up with them, or refused to engage in an exclusive relationship. They want to know what they can do to "make him want me again." Rather than giving them advice about what will hook him and pull him back in, I point out something to put the situation in perspective...

When a man rejects a woman, her desire to get him back usually consists of two parts:

(a) her desire to be with a man she really values and is attracted to, and
(b) her desire to prove that, deep down, he actually does want her.

In my experience, women are often (if not usually) motivated more by (b) than they are by (a). That is, they want to regain their pride more than they actually want to be with the guy in question. I've had a number of women even tell me (after taking a moment to think about it) that the guy they want back so badly is nothing like the man they imagine themselves marrying. In some cases, they admit that they probably would have ended things with him if he hadn't done it first - or even that they can see themselves ending things sometime down the road if he takes her back. Their authentic desire to be with him is rarely the motivating factor for wanting him back - even if it still plays a small part.

So before you drive yourself crazy trying to salvage a newly-ended relationship, think for a moment about your motivations: do you really want to be with him, or are you just trying to fix your wounded pride? Because your pride will naturally heal over time. But forcing yourself back into a relationship that he chose to end once already is a good recipe for having him end it again, which will just scar your ego further.

By acknowledging your real motivations, you will make it easier to come to terms with the breakup and be able to move on as quickly as possible.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup, which says a lot more about understanding your mindset and your ex's in the wake of a breakup.


Related Posts
1. Why Rejection Is a Good Thing
2. Get Used to Rejection
3. Don't Initiate Contact
4. Know Why You Are Dating

Katy Perry is Brainwashing Women

I recently watched the music video for Katy Perry's song Part of Me (I was just hoping she would look hot in it).

I was sorely disappointed by her looks in the video, but more importantly, the story line also bothered me. It didn't take me long to realize why...

After apparently being cheated on, Katy Perry dumps her boyfriend (which is smart), and then decides to overcome the emotional pain by cutting her hair, joining the military and being "tough" and independent. I am hoping the not-so-subtle message of the video is less catchy than the song (which is still stuck in my goddamn head...), because it essentially says "if you are hurt by a man, an appropriate and liberating response is to de-feminize yourself."

Nothing could be further from the truth. No reaction to rejection will damage your chances with other men more (especially if you cut off your hair like she does in the video). A woman who responds to rejection by becoming more masculine is like an athlete who responds to a difficult loss in sports by intentionally injuring himself or skipping trainings and practices - it is absurd. The athlete damages the body or lose the skills that made him a competitive athlete in the first place, just as like Katy Perry throws away the disposition and looks that attract men the most. She gains her personal independence at the expense of attracting men. That is to say, by throwing away her femininity and closing herself to male companionship, she sacrifices the potential for long-term happiness in a good relationship (however difficult it might be to find) for the momentary happiness of personal "liberation."

When a message like this is surrounded by a catchy song and a flashy music video with a famous celebrity, it is inevitably romanticized, and the message can be difficult to divorce from its medium. Be careful about getting sucked in.

No, You Can't Be "Just Friends"

I've lost count of the times girls have tried being "just friends" with me after I've called off the relationship. It's happened after one-night stands, it's happened after dating girls for a few weeks, it even happened after having a serious girlfriend. And I know this isn't only something I've experienced. Girls try this with guys all the time. It is a final grasp at the remnants of the commitment that they worked so hard for. I am sure some guys try it with girls that dump them too, but in general I think women struggle with cutting ties more than men. It is a struggle that is analogous in some ways to a man's reluctance to make ties with a woman.

Whatever the case, "just being friends" is simply not a viable way of relating to a man or woman you've been emotionally or sexually intimate with. The severed emotional ties between you will prevent you from relating to each other in platonic ways for a long time to come - perhaps forever. This is something that we all know instinctively, whether or not we admit it to ourselves in the face of a failed relationship. Trying to be "friends" is a recently-dumped female's way of saying "I am not ready to let go." However, in some occasions, the male ending the relationship will suggest it. If this happens to you, know that this is a male's way of saying one (or all) of a few different things:

1. "I'm over the relationship but I like getting laid a lot, and it will be a lot of work to get that kind of steady pussy elsewhere. Let's keep having sex but without the commitment. We'll call it 'being friends.'"
2. "I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. I don't expect that being 'just friends' will actually work, but I know this break up won't be easy for you, so I am suggesting being friends in an attempt to soften the blow."
3. "I am on the fence about our relationship, but I am too much of a pussy to break up with you completely, even though I know nothing productive or emotionally healthy can come from staying in touch."

It definitely does not mean this:

Let's have a completely platonic relationship in which we ignore the feelings we had for one another, and even the ones we still have. I'll talk casually to you about the girls I'm dating or sleeping with, because the fact that we are "just friends" means that it won't hurt you at all to hear how replaceable you are, and how much I've moved on in such a short time. 

We won't need to worry about the temptation to have sex with each other, because once we become friends, any sexual attraction that existed will die instantly. Once we are "friends" we will immediately start seeing each other like ugly, wrinkled old men and women.

Oh, and also, most importantly: the "just friends" thing will be especially workable because my future girlfriend or wife will be overjoyed that I am still great friends with an ex. Women never get jealous of one another - you and she will probably be close friends someday.

It just doesn't work that way. So if a guy dumps you and says "let's just be friends," or suggests that you stay in touch, recognize that what he really means is one of the three numbered statements above, or some combination of the three. If, after being dumped, you find yourself tempted to convince your ex to be "just friends" or to "stay in touch" (because he still "means a lot to you"), acknowledge the fact that you really just want to hold on to some fraction of what once was, even if it is nothing like a real relationship and will actually hurt you in the long run. Be strong and cut him off.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup, which explains everything you need to know about dealing with you ex: what he's thinking, what is motivating him to stay friends with you, how to maximize your chances of getting him back, and how to focus on your future if that doesn't happen.

Related Posts
1. When Your Ex Contacts You...
2. Men and "Friends with Benefits"
3. Why Do You Want Him Back?

Know Why You Are Dating

Most of us don't often think of Catholic priests as authorities on dating and relationships (in fact the popular belief is exactly the opposite), but the single most influential conversation I've had about dating was one that I had with a Catholic priest while I was in college. I knew him through my family and hadn't seen him in a while. We were making the standard mundane small talk about how I was liking school and college life, when the conversation took an interesting turn onto the topic of the girl I'd been dating for the last few months. After I told him a little about her, he asked me a very pointed question:

"So do you think you could eventually marry this girl?"

"Marry her?" His question took me aback slightly. "Oh, no, we aren't going to get married... no, I mean, I like her but... well... no... No." It was clearly the first time I had even thought about it, but I knew with certainty that she wasn't the girl I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

"No?" He asked, genuinely confused. "So then... why are you dating her?" If I remember correctly, he actually laughed slightly as he asked the question.

I had no answer for him. The truth was that I just thought she was cute, and she liked me back, so we started dating. But the ridiculousness of my situation was embarrassingly obvious in the very instant he asked the question. I knew that - in light of my certainty - my relationship with her was pointless. Any more time I spent with her was time I wasn't spending looking for someone I could end up with. It wasn't very long afterwards that I broke up with her. Since then I've messed around with more girls than I can count, but I have never dated a girl that I knew I couldn't marry - because ultimately that is what I want.

I worry sometimes when I hear girls saying things like "I want him to be my first long-term boyfriend," or when people under the age of 20 get concerned that they haven't had a serious relationship yet. The implication in both examples is that everyone ought to have a string of relationships before settling down. I remember having the same mindset myself at that age. I see it still in some of my friends. This notion isn't the exception, it is the norm. With Hollywood as our vehicle, we Americans have cultivated the expectation of "dating for dating's sake." We seem to believe there is some benefit to attaching oneself emotionally to another person only to tear away again after a year or so, and then repeating the process until eventually becoming jaded, old and single. Granted, no one hopes for this outcome and we have these peripheral ideas about needing time with a person to test the relationship, but in the end of the day, serial relationships do more harm than good.

As unfair as it might seem, this phenomenon is more damaging to woman than men. For many men, the honest answer to the priest's second question is that they want their girlfriend for her beauty and, in most cases, for sex. In many relationships, men don't get emotionally invested - they just get laid for a while. If the girl gets attached in the process, it just means the breakup will be messier. Even when a man does get emotionally invested, it usually occurs more slowly and to a lesser degree. Sound familiar? If the countless e-mails I get from readers, or my female friends' stories and my own experience are any indication, you know what I am talking about.

Relationships are tough. Breakups are no joke. Yes, the initial thrill of a new relationship is exciting, but each time that excitement grows less and less because you grow accustomed to it. You gradually throw away the innocence that allows for deep emotional attachment to a single partner, in exchange for a series of brief, shallower attachments that cause you to raise your defenses against something permanent. What doesn't end in permanency is bound to end in heartbreak, and if you eventually want to get married, you are doing yourself a disservice by ignoring that fact in the interest of "not over-thinking it" or "living in the moment." While emotional risk is important and necessary in order to find someone you really connect with, dating with no objective is nothing short of reckless.

So before you get involved with someone new, make sure you know what you are looking for - and more importantly for women, what he is looking for. Know what you want from him, and make sure he is on the same page. If you both just want to hook up, great. If you both need a quick rebound, go for it. If you both want someone to settle down with, count yourself lucky. But if you don't know what you want or he doesn't share your motivations, you risk wasting your most eligible years, sustaining emotional damage, and giving away a piece of yourself that you then can't offer to the man you do stay with.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup. This post has been expanded and rewritten as a chapter, along with other chapters that explain how to think about dating and relationships in a way that will help you attract solid, confident men.

Get Used to Rejection

If a man isn't getting rejected by women regularly, he will probably never find one that satisfies him. Because all women have different taste, men need to approach a large number of women that they find attractive in order to find one that reciprocates that attraction. This requires serious balls, thick skin, and persistence. I think most women appreciate this fact.

In general, a man has to get rejected many more times than a woman in order to succeed at dating. When a girl complains about a guy who stops returning her calls, my first instinct is to tell her "You think that's bad? I was rejected more times in the last month than you've been rejected in your entire life. Try being a dude for a week, then come back and complain to me." However, I don't, because I realize that the rejections a man endures - although no less damaging to his pride - are easier to bear in light of the knowledge that he can approach more women in order to find a new girl. A woman has less direct control over new dating opportunities. Although she can improve her chances by making herself more attractive, she can't just approach men at will without being seen as crazy or desperate. She has to wait until another man (that she likes) approaches her. Though she faces fewer rejections, she also faces fewer opportunities, so the rejections she does endure have more impact.

While women typically get rejected when a man walks away after an initial encounter or date, men typically get rejected when they approach. A woman has to have the courage to let the man walk away, while a man has to have the balls to approach in the first place. While men have to become confident enough to approach without knowing how a woman will respond, women have to become confident enough to let a man act according to his true feelings for her, without knowing whether he will stay with her or leave.

So although the nature of rejection is different for the two sexes, it is equally necessary for both. A man gains nothing from staying on his side of the street when a beautiful woman passes on the other; a woman gains nothing from perpetuating a relationship in which she constantly initiates. A man needs to initiate with the possibility of being rejected, and a woman has to let the man initiate, with the possibility of being rejected (i.e. the possibility that he will not initiate). Both sexes have to take risk and face rejection if they ultimately want success.

All of this is to make the point that rejection, while difficult for both sexes, is a necessary part of the dating landscape. You can't avoid it, so get used to it. As I've said before, if you aren't getting rejected, it probably means you aren't dating up to your potential. You are the only one responsible for your dating success. And like in all other aspects of life, you can increase that success by taking risks, enduring rejections, picking yourself back up and trying again.


Related Posts
1. Why Rejection Is a Good Thing
2. Why Do You Want Him Back?
3. How To Ask For Feedback From A Guy

Don't Let a Guy Waste Your Most Eligible Years

If you are interested in getting married, you need to be well aware of the fact that you are probably most attractive sometime in your mid- to late-twenties. This means that your mid- to late-twenties are the years in which you are most likely to attract the highest quality man you can get. And while I've written a fair amount about maximizing your attractiveness, it all counts for nothing if you aren't single when the right guy comes along, or if you aren't putting yourself out there because you are involved with someone who is only half-committed to you. So in addition to looking your best, you need to make sure you aren't spending time in dead-end relationships.

Time and time again I see or hear about girls who allow a guy to date them for three or four years in their twenties without proposing. This blows my mind. I understand that these girls are holding out in the hope of eventually getting a proposal, but they don't give enough consideration to the possibility that they'll be strung along for another two or three years, only to have him decide that he wants someone else - or worse yet, someone younger. Combine this with a girl's reduced odds of finding someone (let alone someone better) once she begins to age and things begin to fall into perspective; it seems crazy to consider dating someone for more than a year without a very strong confidence about the direction in which the relationship is heading.

If the same graph showed the value of a house you owned over time, there is no way in hell you'd be renting it out for long periods of time between 20 and 30 years, when it's value is highest. You would either leave it vacant during that time for prospective buyers, or at most, only agree to month-to-month leases so that it would be available to sell when a buyer came along with a good price. You'd also be actively advertising the property, because you'd want to take advantage of its high value. I'll let you draw the analogy.

Don't give a guy your most eligible years with nothing to show for it. This is bullshit. If you ultimately want to get married and your current relationship isn't constantly growing stronger (i.e. approaching something permanent), then you need to start asking questions. And if you aren't getting satisfactory answers, it is time to look elsewhere. The clock is ticking.

Furthermore, your time is your responsibility - not his. For better or worse, men will not make commitments that aren't required of them. If he isn't taking things to the next level when you think it is appropriate, break up with him. You can do this nicely, and you should explain your reasoning clearly, but you should still break up with him. More easily said than done? Probably. But it is the best move nonetheless. If he really wants you, he will try to get you back; but if he doesn't, remember: during your most eligible years, you are better off being back on the market than tied up in a dead-end relationship.

Why Rejection Is A Good Thing

If you get dumped by a guy you like, remember that although this is probably due in part to men playing below their league, it is also the product of you being ambitious in your relationships: you are trying to get the best guy you can, and therefore you are dating guys that might dump you. In moderation, this ambition is a good thing. If you were constantly settling for guys of a low caliber, then of course you would have more success, but you wouldn't be content. 

While it is certainly worthwhile to consider whether or not your standards are realistic, you should also acknowledge how lazy or apathetic you would be to settle for someone below your potential. If you aren't getting dumped by guys, you could probably be doing better.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup, which says a lot more about the importance of rejection and how to use it to grow into the kind of girl guys really want to commit to.

Related Posts
1. Get Used to Rejection
2. Why Do You Want Him Back?
3. What It Is Like to Be Rejected by Girls

How To Ask For Feedback From A Guy

In another post I advocated asking for feedback from a guy that breaks up with you. Here is how to go about doing it and what to say:

DISCLAIMER: This approach only works with men that have already demonstrated some degree of a sincere interest in you - guys that have shown good will towards you by taking you out, sharing a real conversation, being genuinely affectionate, etc. A guy that you had a one night stand with does not count. A guy that flirts with you all the time, was texting with you a bunch but then stopped and never took you out does not count. A guy that you only meet up with in bars or clubs does not count. You can only expect an honest answer from a guy that has already demonstrated honesty towards you in some form or another.

Wait long enough to make sure he isn't going to pursue you anymore. This will vary depending on the relationship, so you will have to gauge it yourself. There isn't a magic number of days or weeks after you hear from him last. In fact, you may even still be in touch with him regularly if you haven't made him initiate contact or haven't cut him off yet. You just need to be honest with yourself. This is most easily done by thinking: "if he was acting towards my friend the way he is acting towards me now, would I think he'd stopped pursuing her?" If the answer is yes, you're good to proceed.

Contact him. Yes, this is technically "initiating contact," but it is OK when you have already given up on the idea of a relationship with him (so make sure you really have - go back and repeat the step above if needed). The best methods of contacting him are as follows:

1. Text - This avoids awkwardness and allows you to lead him into the conversation gradually. See below. Also gives him time to think about what he will say.
2. Internet Chat - Basically the same as texting. Good for the same reasons.
3. E-mail - Use e-mail only if he is a conscientious/polite guy and you know he will answer, since e-mails are very easily ignored. If he will answer, e-mail has the advantage that it allows him time to really reflect.
4. Phone - Not a great option since he is likely to avoid your call or give you hasty answers. Not recommended.
5. In-Person - It is almost certain that you won't be able to get him to invest the time it would take for this (though it is a little more likely after long-term relationships). It is also awkward for both parties and forces rushed and therefore inaccurate responses. Not recommended.

I will assume for the rest of these points that you are using text, chat or e-mail. If the latter, you need to condense this "conversation" into written paragraphs. Try to keep it short, but make sure you convey the main points that I lay out below, with the exception of the lead-in.

Lead him into the conversation. Although guys will ultimately be willing to give you advice if you really want it, they will be extremely hesitant until you assure them that it is important to you and that you can handle whatever you tell them, no matter how harsh. Otherwise they will be worried about offending you. If it's been a while since you've been in touch, you will also need to make sure he realizes that this isn't an attempt to get another date or  re-initiate contact for relationship purposes. So you need to start with a message that (a) gets his attention and (b) communicates your openness. Prefacing a question by asking permission always indicates gravity and raises intrigue. So I see the conversation going something like this:

YOU: "Hey, can I ask you something?"

[If you don't get an answer try following up with "It quick, but important." Quick is the key word here.]

HIM: "Hey, yeah OK, what's up?"

YOU: "I'd like to get an outsider's view of what I am doing wrong with guys. I know its a weird thing to ask, but I feel like you would be pretty objective." [Note: not "your view" and not "what I did wrong with you"]

HIM: [probably no response, but if he gives you a negative answer, continue anyway with the following...]

YOU: "I need someone to be really honest with me. It's probably about time I heard it. You seem like a safe learning experience."

YOU: "And I swear I can take it. I only want the complete truth."

[Then you should throw out at least one example of something he would be unwilling to tell you for fear of crushing your ego. This will make him more comfortable with being honest, though it assumes that you are ready to accept whatever he throws out there.]

YOU: "Do I need to work out more? Maybe lighten up a little bit?"

HIM: [At this point he should give you some kind of response. Probably it will be positive. If you get nothing or a negative answer, be persistent: reiterate your need for the advice and that you can handle whatever he tells you.]

Encourage the conversation. If he gives you only one reason, try to elicit more with comments like "was there anything else?" followed by suggestions that you suspect may have influenced his decision, as well as a couple you don't. For example "are you sure I wasn't looking as good as than the night you met me?" or "was I too serious for a first date?" or "is it because I am not young enough?"

Don't belabor any single point. You really just need an overview, so don't try to dig for too much detail. Once you get the general idea of what he didn't like, move on. For example, if he says you weren't dressed well or wore too much makeup, don't ask what look he would have preferred or what would have been the perfect amount.

Don't object to anything. By asking for his unabashed advice, you are in no position to argue. And really, you shouldn't want to - you are merely collecting facts about his opinion. You can process them later. And while I would dissuade you from dismissing any of them, it won't get you anywhere to convince him that they aren't true.

Push past Mr. Nice Guy. If he starts giving you the typical bullshit about "we just didn't click" or "I didn't feel chemistry" it is only because he is not convinced you can handle an honest answer. So respond to those comments with reassurance that you can handle it, and tell him that you need concrete responses. Try this:

HIM: "I don't know, I just didn't feel it."

YOU: "Mike, I am not saying my feelings won't be hurt, but I need to hear the truth so that I can improve. I need to know the concrete things that were off. There must have been something."

[and if that doesn't work]

"Even if a lack of chemistry was the underlying reason, can you tell me some other way I could improve? I know I am not perfect." [Then throw in a few "tough" examples like you did at the outset, and assume that his answer is the real truth, not "chemistry" - because it is. Chemistry is just the cumulative effect of many small things; it isn't magic.]

Give him time to think about it. If he is still hesitating, and you've tried reassuring him that you can handle it, ask if he'd like some time to think about it. Be persistent about following up. Ask him if he needs "a few days," and then get in touch again in a few days.

Ask For Feedback If A Guy Breaks Up With You

I dated a girl not too long ago that was clueless about how to deal with guys. She was incredibly sweet and very attractive, but not very discerning and highly emotional. Although I think she acknowledged my insufficient interest pretty early on, we stayed in touch for a little while because she wasn't fully convinced I didn't like her. As she realized more and more that we weren't going to start dating, she started confiding in me about a couple of guys that she met and went on dates with. Whether or not this was her attempt at making me jealous, I really couldn't say for sure, but I don't think it was. Anyway, I gave her advice, she largely ignored it, and before long those guys stopped talking to her. In frustration, she texted me one day - something along the lines of "OK so tell me what I did wrong with you. Apparently I need to learn a thing or two about guys, because nothing is working out for me right now."

I hesitated because I know the truth can sometimes be tough to stomach, but she insisted and seemed sincere about wanting to know. So I thought about it for a minute, then proceeded to tell her (nicely) that she shouldn't have slept with me on the first date, that she probably shouldn't have hit on me to begin with, and some of the other things she did wrong or I thought were impediments to taking things further. I should mention that this girl was not a slut, was very highly educated, and was well-off. I think she had been quite sheltered growing up and didn't have very much experience with men, so she was honestly confused about why guys were losing interest.

While we stopped talking soon after that exchange, I was exteremly impressed that she asked. She walked away wiser than she was before she met me, and she had herself to thank for that, because she had the guts to ask for real criticism. She is the only girl that has ever done this with me, even though I would have constructive things to tell the vast majority of the ones that didn't. I recently applied this lesson in my own life when a girl that stopped responding to my calls and texts. She explained without hesitating, and her answer was a real eye-opener for me.

Most guys will be more than willing to give you this kind of feedback, especially if you are candid and legitimately curious when you ask (as opposed to bitter or defensive). Guys have a knack for being very clear and direct, and if they liked you enough to go on a date or two, it is unlikely that they will be mean or abrasive with their answer. If they beat around the bush or ignore you, it probably means that they decided you weren't attractive enough; but if they were willing to go on an initial date or two, there is probably something else you could improve. As long as you have the guts to ask, and the objectivity to consider his answer, you can learn a lot from this kind of feedback.

Cut Him Off

For the sake of this discussion, by "breakup" I mean everything from ending a long-term relationship all the way down to going quiet after a couple dates or even just an initial communication. Of course this is not what the term means in everyday speech, but it is simpler to use it this way here than to spell it out each time I refer to that set of experiences.

If a man breaks up with you for any reason or in any manner, you should completely cut him off. End of story. There is no excuse or situation in which it would be acceptable or smart to do otherwise, any more than there are situations in which it would be best to continue to twist and bend your own arm after it’s been fractured - in the hope that it might not actually be broken, or might heal itself. Once a breakup has taken place, it is irreparable by nothing other than time, distance and new experiences, the same way a broken bone can only be healed by time, rest and a cast.

I’ve broken up with a fairly large number of girls, and the girls that respond to the news correctly I have a huge amount of respect for – to the point that I sometimes question whether or not I should have let them go. But there are so many women that handle it horribly. I can’t count the number of girls I have decided to stop contacting after dating once or twice, or sleeping with, or even just talking to on the phone, who decide it would be worthwhile to call or text me a week or two later, apparently under the false impression or hope that I had simply forgotten to get back in touch with them - that I merely needed a reminder.

In one case I slept with a girl and even hung out with her a few times before I decided I didn’t want to continue seeing her. So I stopped calling her. Within a few weeks I got a text: “Headed to pacific beach, Wanna join?” I didn’t want to join, so I ignored the text. The next day, I got this: “I’m in your neck of the woods J.” Again, I read and acknowledged it (with a heavy dose of apathy), but did not respond. Then, again, over a month later: “Driving through your neighborhood and thought of you. Hope you are doing well J.” What was this girl hoping to accomplish? Did she really think that this would suddenly rekindle my interest?

Although I acknowledge the remote possibility that girls might just be fishing for sex in these situations, the thought of a girl having to do anything other than agree to male propositions in order to get laid is far more repulsive than the idea of a woman trying to salvage an obviously failed relationship; so I refuse to consider it. It will be the subject of another post. In any case, in this situation and others, I know from the circumstances that the girl wanted more than sex. So back to the original question: did she really think that this would suddenly rekindle my interest? Even if I did have some lingering interest in talking to her, it is hugely indicative of my overriding disinterest in a girl that I would actually forget to contact her for an extended period of time.

Any girl with an ounce of pride would not submit to this kind of treatment by soliciting further interaction. If a man decides to break up with a girl, or that it isn’t worth his time to get back in touch after a date or exchange of numbers, that is his decision. He needs to live with that, however easy or difficult the decision was for him to make. As a woman, you need to make him live with that. Men should be given one chance, and one chance only. Trust me: if we are really interested in you, or are at least physically attracted to you, we will take the opportunity you provide. The act of attempting to reconnect after you’ve been dumped or rejected or ignored only comes across as needy and insecure, two of the least attractive qualities.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup, which explains everything you need to know about dealing with you ex: what he's thinking, what is motivating him to stay friends with you, how to maximize your chances of getting him back - and if that doesn't happen, how to focus on your future.


Related Posts
1. The Importance of Silence After a Break Up
2. Get Used to Rejection
3. Ask For Feedback If A Guy Breaks Up With You
4. Don't Initiate Contact
5. Why Rejection is A Good Thing