Your PhD Is His Eight-Pack

Everyone's talking about the whole "dadbod" thing, so it's been on my mind recently.

Before I say anything else, let me just make it clear that I resent having to reference something with such a retarded name. Modern American culture's tendency to come up with stupid names for stuff like this is almost as obnoxious as its ability to miss the point.

In any case, while on the surface the whole "dadbod" phenomenon looks like nothing more than a justification for men and women who want to be lazy about their appearance, I think there is something valuable in the idea, even if it lies a little beneath the surface. But in order to draw an important comparison to it, I first need to explain something else I've been thinking about recently, thanks to a recent podcast on Animus Empire and conversations with a couple girls I know...

These days, a lot of women out-perform men in the ostensible measures of "success." Whether this be with achievements in the workplace, academic degrees, financial earnings, or just the capability to make things happen, many women feel like they are better than men at their own game. And many women are.

But at the same time, a woman's physiology compels her to want to "marry up." In spite of the desire and ability to be successful by traditionally male standards, she also feels incapable of settling for a man who doesn't impress her with respect to those same standards.

Source: Snyder and Dillow, 2012

This is obviously problematic. When you as a woman are earning $100k + per year or have dual Bachelor's degrees and a Master's, it is going to be pretty tough feeling like you've found someone impressive, because the vast majority of men earn about $45k and drink their way through laughable degrees. I've met many girls in this situation – accomplished in all respects, but unhappy in their relationships and dissatisfied by their supposed success. (Perhaps unfulfilled is a better word, for reasons I explain in my new book.)

Most women don't intentionally choose this situation. They were raised in a culture that told them their personal worth was dictated by the position they could win in the office, or the degree they could earn in school. When they were too young to think for themselves and understand what their post-pubescent selves would want, they were pointed in the direction of traditionally masculine success, and told that they'd better work hard and marry their "equal" if they wanted to be happy in life. But anyone over the age of 30 knows that this is bullshit. Sure, no one wants to go back to 17th century and arranged marriages; but the idea that a woman can be happily married to a man who has no abilities in excess of her own is absurd. She might find a way to be content in that kind of marriage, sure, but content people take Zoloft.

This isn't something that only applies to women, by the way. Both sexes want spouses that are "better" than them; we just want the opposite sex to be better than us in very different and complimentary ways. Women typically want a man who is better than them when it comes to providing and protecting their family, while men typically want a woman who is better than them when it comes to raising children, creating a "home" (I mean this in the widest possible sense of the word) and keeping the family connected to the outside world. I discuss one small aspect of this dynamic in the post The Analogy Between Confidence and Beauty. If you haven't read yet, I suggest taking a minute to do so before finishing this one. The point is that women want men who are stable and capable ("confident"), while men want a woman who is fertile and a light in their life ("beautiful").

This is what your PhD or upper management position looks like.

Anyway that brings us to the "dadbod." As I said, at first glance, the claim that women like men with mediocre bodies looks like an excuse for men to be sloppy and for women to lower the standard of comparison for their own bodies. And for many people, this is exactly how the concept will be used, without further consideration. But for those of us who are willing to think and work, there is a lesson to take away from the "dadbod." After all, the article that started it all was only popular because it touched on an important yet controversial truth, namely, that women and men want different things in relationships. Both sexes want to be better at certain things than their partner, and both sexes want the other to be better than them in some ways. To some degree, it actually does makes sense for a woman to be "the pretty one." This doesn't excuse men from looking after themselves, but it does mean that men who think that they have to tone and sculpt themselves into a Greek God in order to get girls are missing something much more important than bodyfat.

As usual, the useful takeaway here is reached by flipping the comparison to the other side of the sexual divide. Most women struggle with the concept that men don't like them for their accomplishments. They see accomplished men and feel attracted, so they have a hard time understanding why that same standard doesn't apply to them too. At the same time, most women - even if they don't agree that "dadbods" are sexy - at least can identify with wanting to be the pretty one in the relationship and disliking feelings of competition with their own partner. By this point, you probably get what I am going to say: as a man, dating a woman who is highly accomplished in traditionally male arenas is a lot like being a woman and dating a man with a perfectly sculpted body. Or we could state it like this: guys feel the same way about dating women who are more accomplished than them as you feel about dating men who are sexier than you.

Now, by all means, the correct solution for a girl who feels inclined towards guys with "dadbods" is to hit the gym and learn how to present herself (so she can get guys without "dadbods"); just like a guy who feels tempted to date stupid girls should find his purpose in life and work his ass off (so he can feel confident dating smart and accomplished girls). The fact that the sexes want different things doesn't mean it is right for guys to stop working out any more than it means that it is right for women to intentionally dumb themselves down intellectually. As I've stated in a million different ways on this blog, the answer isn't a reduction of the other, it is an augmentation of the self.

No, the whole "dadbod" thing doesn't excuse laziness, but it does serve as a reminder (albeit an awkward one) that each sex is looking for reciprocal qualities in the other. So think twice before pouring several years into developing the very quality you are looking for in the opposite sex. You only have so much time and energy to spend in developing yourself - spend it wisely.


Related Posts
1. No, Your Intelligence Is Not Your Problem
2. Men Don't Care About Your Accomplishments
3. The Analogy Between Sex and Commitment
4. Human Energy Is Conserved

Why Men Don't Approach You During The Day

A reader recently asked in the comments of another post:

I saw you made a Twitter post about women wearing makeup to the gym... 

I go to the gym in my local area a few times per week. I'm one of those girls who wear makeup, albeit not a lot. I am 22, have a good figure and wear tight workout wear.

I have never been approached at the gym. I would have loved to be - there are many attractive men there, and it's in my local high-end area - they're well educated and successful guys, often attractive too. Sometimes I think they may be an age group a bit too old and that some of them are married. 

I usually get hit on quite a lot in bars. I see your posts about being around men and making yourself attractive to them. I follow all of that advice - I don't think I have a problem with the attractiveness part. I would love to be asked out in any of these scenes (gym, college...), because I feel I would have more of a guarantee that they're the right guys, but I am simply not. I sometimes catch them looking, but they never ever come over.

What is it? Are men too shy during the day? Or are there some things women must specifically do to make themselves approachable in daytime scenarios?

I probably should have addressed this question a long time ago, when I covered topics like Why You Don't Get Approached by Men and How To Make Yourself Approachable. In any case, there is a simple answer: men don't approach much during the day because there is a much greater social barrier to doing so. In a bar environment, social interaction is expected. People are there to socialize, if not there with the actual intention of meeting members of the opposite sex. Alcohol also facilitates the interaction a great deal, since it makes men relaxed and takes some of the difficulty out of the approach.

In other venues, like the gym, the grocery store, a shopping mall, or just on the street, most people are there to get something done. They aren't there to meet people; they are there to work out, or pick up some milk, get a new pair of jeans, or get home before it starts raining. Especially in the United States, which is a very accomplishment-focused culture, these activities are packed into an already tight schedule. And while this isn't always the case, and isn't an absolute bar to approaching a woman, it gives a man another excuse to talk himself out of an already nerve-racking experience. It is so much easier for him to tell himself "she is probably busy, and I probably wouldn't like her anyway" than it is to barge into her personal space and face rejection.

Your cause isn't helped by the following factors:

• In public places like the gym or a bus, men who want to approach you would be more easily over-heard, so the embarrassment of failure would be greater than in a bar or nightclub.
• Most women tell men "I would never want to be hit on at the gym. I am all gross and sweaty when I am at the gym. I don't want a guy approaching me; I just want to work out in peace." I can't count the number of times I've heard women say this. Granted, I usually understand this to be a self-serving comment, meant to display the fact that (a) men want to hit on them at the gym, and that (b) they have so much attention from men that they don't care. But unfortunately the effect on the male population is the same nonetheless: it tells men that women want to be left alone during their workout or daily activities.
• Most women wear headphones and listen to music when they are in the gym, on the train, or walking down the street. This only heightens the sense that, when people aren't in the segmented few hours of their life assigned to "socializing," they are off limits to meeting strangers. If you follow me on Twitter you will remember the tweet I made recently about women wearing headphones in public. (Men do this too, of course, but it is less of an issue when it comes to being approached, since men normally do the approaching.)

So the short answer to your question is that men don't approach you in the gym or other day-times venues because they have to take much more social risk in order to do so. Most men can't get up the balls to approach a woman at night, so the added deterrents during the day make it even less likely.

One final note: although you aren't as likely to be approached during the day, and may therefore question the importance of always looking your best, it is worth considering that you are much more likely to be incidentally thrown into interaction with men during the day - for example, when you have a brief conversation with the hot guy at the front desk as you check in at the gym, or when you repeatedly run into an attractive guy at your favorite lunch spot. Not to mention that, by regularly paying attention to how you present yourself, you will learn how to improve your look and thereby optimize your chances in nightlife venues as well.


Related Posts
1. Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys - Part 1
2. You Always Go To The Gym. And You Like It.
3. What It Is Like to Be Rejected by Girls
4. How To Make Yourself Approachable

What Men Think About Your Weight

Components of Feminine Beauty by Attention Deserved

When it comes to attracting men, your physical fitness matters - a lot. In another post I ranked it the single most important aspect of your external attractiveness to a man. Few men or women will deny this, and it isn't my point here to dispute the minority that does, or to belabor the point to those who already acknolwedge it (see point four below). Instead I want to point out a few things that women might not realize about their weight:

1. Shape matters more than size. We're all aware that some women seem to have great figures despite being a little larger than what most consider ideal. This is because a woman's proportions matter more than her overall weight; her shape matters more than her size. Her waist-to-hip ratio, or breast and butt shape or size relative to the rest of her body can be attractive to a man despite the fact that she is "overweight." Being concerned about your weight or BMI is important, but it is only half the picture. You will be able to get away with being a bit heavier than most if you have good curves. You won't be more attractive because you are heavier than most (i.e. you'd still look better if you slimmed down), but you don't need to do it to be attractive if you have the right shape. (Incidentally, in-shape black women blow away the competition when it comes to having great figures, which in most cases completely compensates for imperfect hair.)

2. Shape matters more than size - up to a certain point. There are limits to the above-described phenomenon. While it is difficult (if not impossible) to quantify "a certain point" in terms of weight or even BMI, I can say this instead: women like Nicki Minaj are pushing the limits already, and are able to to do because they have great proportions. You'd be unnecessarily harsh on yourself to judge your body based on weight alone, but some women recognize the above phenomenon, and then wrongly excuse their size based on comments from friends that they have a "Kim Kardashian ass" or a "Beyonce butt." Comments like this are usually made by friends who are more interested in making you feel good about yourself than accurately describing your figure. While occasionally they will be sincere, you should think twice and make a strong effort to be honest with yourself before believing them.

3. Men don't need Victoria's Secret models. In the same way that you don't need a guy who is as daring, strong, attractive and clever as James Bond, men don't need a woman with a perfect body to be aroused - even wildly aroused. Most of us know that the models we see in the media are unrealistic and only portrayed at their best (just like you know that men like James Bond don't really exist). Furthermore - and more importantly - a woman in the flesh is far more real and immediate than a woman on a screen or the page of a magazine, and this immediacy translates directly into sexual power. In this sense, the advantage that the "girl next door" has over these "fantasy girls" is huge. This happens to be one of the reasons that men don't fall more easily into pornography addiction, but it also means that what you consider severe inadequacies are really not as severe as you think.

4. Your complex about being overweight is more unattractive than being overweight. Yes, your weight matters, but freaking out about your weight is much less attractive to a man than a few extra pounds. Within reasonable limits, an unhealthy body is preferable over an unhealthy mind. Obviously if you are pushing 300 lbs, no one will take the time to appreciate your healthy mind; but if you get to 110 lbs only by taking becoming obsessive about your weight, you aren't doing yourself a favor. As physically attractive as a girl might be, being bulimic (or otherwise anorexic) is so internally unattractive that she will always struggle to keep men, even if she doesn't struggle to attract them initially.

5. Your figure is significantly defined by your posture. If you get down to the perfect shape and size, you can still fuck it up entirely by having bad posture. Likewise, if your figure isn't perfect, you can still get the most out of it by improving your posture and holding yourself as well as you can. To this end, high heels will be your best friend.

6. You won't lose weight unless you want to. I am a firm disbeliever in laziness. Instead, I believe in knowledge and preferences: lazy people aren't people who lack the ability to motivate themselves to do things that everyone accepts as "good" or "right"; they are people who have different priorities, either due to ignorance or a differing opinion. A woman who works out all the time values her long-term fitness more than the short-term pleasure she gets from muching on snacks all day, or feeling full at mealtimes. If you struggle with managing your weight, it could be because you don't care what you look like (to some degree). But more than likely, it is because (a) you don't realize how much benefit you'd get from being thinner, or (b) you are short-sightted, such that you see more value in the short-term pleasures you get from eating than in the long-term pleasure of being in shape. Once you realize how much your weight matters when it comes to getting what you want in life (i.e. a man), or look into the future far enough to see that you will never be attractive unless you sacrifice the momentary comfort of satisfying your apetite completely, your priorities will shift, and you will spend more of your energy on your fitness - willingly.

7. Cardio isn't everything. If you want to lose weight you need to burn calories, running or using the elliptical machine is not the best way of doing this. Weight training burns essentially the same amount of calories, but also increases your metabolism for about an hour after your workout, which then continues to burn an additional 25 percent of the calories you burned during the weight training itself. Not to mention weight training is a much better way to shape and tone your body. Girls almost categorically avoid weights, and they are retaining pounds because of it.

You Always Go To The Gym. And You Like It.

Next time you are talking to a guy that you want to make a good impression on, do not mention anything about your infrequent gym attendance. Especially early in a relationship (first date, etc.), this is a great way to inspire his disinterest.

When working out or the gym comes up during a conversation with a girl I am attracted to, you can be sure that I am pay close attention to two things:

1. How often she works out
2. Why she works out

The reason for this is simple: I want to know that after I marry a girl, she will stay in shape, and I know that no woman can stay in shape without frequent exercise. While it isn't impossible for a woman to develop or improve her workout habits after marriage, I prefer to be conservative (read: cynical) in my expectations. I assume that if she isn't working out regularly now, she won't start. In fact, I take it a step further, because the truth is that even if she is working out now, she is likely to stop. I know that one of the primary drives for any young woman's workout habits is her desire to attract her future husband. Once "future" is out of the equation, I know that her gym membership will only remain active if she actually enjoys being fit. So I want to know that a girl is staying in shape for her own benefit and well-being, not just to get a husband. This is the kind of girl that will maintain her figure throughout a marriage, and stay healthy.

Not realizing my scrupulous attention to their comments, girls have told me on numerous occasions "I hate going to the gym" or "I try to go every other day, but I can never get motivated enough." What I hear in these cases is "I will be fat within 10 years." And while I do not rule them out completely for comments like this, they are using up virtually all of their leeway in one short statement.

On the other end of the spectrum, there have been a few girls that - again, probably not realizing how closely I was paying attention - have told me things like "I am addicted to working out. I actually get sort of depressed when I skip a day, it's bad..." or if I catch them on the phone right after their workout "I feel awesome right now, my arms are so sore" as I hear them blending a protein shake in the background. These are the kinds of girls that men with options are looking for.

So while you are actually fostering your workout habits, remember that as far as your conversations with attractive men are concerned: you always go to the gym, and you like it.