The other night I was out with a friend who had invited some of his coworkers to join us at the bar. A couple of these coworkers were girls. After everyone had arrived, my friend and I started looking around and talking about which girls in the bar we wanted to talk to. One of his female coworkers overheard us and immediately lit up. She jumped into the conversation: “Oh! Which one do you like? Point her out to me. I’ll go and…”
“Wait.” I said, interrupting her. I knew exactly what she was going to say. “Let me guess. You are going to walk over there and get her to talk to me, because you are ‘a great wing woman’ – right?”
The expression of surprise that broke across her face made it clear that I’d hit the nail on the head. But her enthusiasm wasn't deflated yet.
“I am a great wing woman!” she insisted. “Come on, point her out to me, I am awesome at this.”
“Haha riiiight,” I said sarcastically, “you and every other girl…”
I've had this conversation with girls dozens of times. In fact, I've never met a girl who has claimed to be anything less than "the best" or "a great" wing woman. And every time I've let them demonstrate their "skill," they've failed miserably. Unleashing my frustration at so many similarly self-deceived women, I explained this to her, then drove my point home:
“Girls seem to think that ‘being a good wing woman’ means walking up to another girl and asking her about some article of clothing she is wearing, or where she gets her hair done, and then ‘subtly’ (and by subtly I mean abruptly) transitioning into ‘hey, you have to meet my friend Andrew.’ It’s completely transparent, makes me look like I don’t have the balls to do it myself, and generally undermines any chance I would have had with her to begin with. So, I am sorry, but no, you aren't a good wing woman; and no, you cannot help.”
Enthusiasm now deflated, she turned and went to find her other coworkers.
I realize that not every girl thinks she is a “great wing woman,” but I am continually surprised at how many do, how unoriginal their approach invariably is, how vacuous their claims of greatness are, and how enthusiastic they are about the whole thing. My only guess is that, being so used to a passive role in the whole “pickup” exchange, these girls believe that the opposite task is simple, and simultaneously want to exercise some kind of agency in the process for once – in the same way that many men believe that girls "just" have to look good and show up, and would love to have a girl take the initiative from time to time. In any case, after letting a few girls try and fail at it, I've stopped humoring them.
I've actually had one good experience with a girl helping me to meet another girl. However, the “wing woman” never claimed to be good at what she did. In fact I didn't know until afterwards that her “game” was premeditated. Here is what happened:
My friend and I were part of a large group. He and I were talking to Girl A, who knew that I was attracted to her friend, Girl B. Girl B was talking to some other friends in another small group nearby. Without asking my permission or announcing her intentions, Girl A subtly leaned into Girl B’s group, and asked her a quick question. This drew her into our conversation. We shifted around naturally as Girl B joined our group, and Girl A positioned herself next to my friend, leaving me next to Girl B. We all talked in a group for a few minutes. Once I asked a direct question to the Girl B, Girl A turned to my friend and asked him a direct question also, splitting the conversation into two couples. A moment later, Girl A turned slightly to face my friend, so that Girl B and I were further isolated in a personal conversation. Girl B and I talked like this for about 15 minutes, and then I got her number. It was seamless.
It was so seamless, in fact, that I was suspicious, and I asked Girl A afterwards if she’d done all of that intentionally. She smiled knowingly, nodded, and didn't say another word about it. I was impressed.
So next time you find yourself tempted to brag about your wing-woman skills, stop yourself and re-learn the age-old lesson from Girl A: actions speak louder than words.
Related Posts
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2. Don't Try to Be One of The Guys
3. No, You Can't Be "Just Friends"
4. How to Make Yourself Approachable
Showing posts with label game. Show all posts
Showing posts with label game. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Saturday, May 11, 2013
What it Is Like to Approach Women
I've heard a lot of girls make the following comment:
Consider what seems at first to be a relatively obvious and uninteresting fact: virtually all men need to drink alcohol before they will approach a woman they are attracted to. Think about that: virtually all men need to drink alcohol before they will approach a woman they are attracted to. You might not be able to empathize with the difficulty of approaching women, but this fact tells you pretty much all you need to know. Pause for a moment and ask yourself what other social actions are so unnerving that people would almost categorically get intoxicated before doing them (if it were socially acceptable to do so). Public speaking maybe? A big job interview? Confronting a good friend about something very important to you? A lot of people get nervous about these kinds of things long before doing them - hours, days, or sometimes even weeks in advance. Approaching a random, attractive woman is easily on the same difficulty level for the vast majority of men, and for a large number of them, it is much harder.
I am sure some female readers are thinking "That is ridiculous; it shouldn't be that difficult." Fine. Great. Maybe it shouldn't. I could say the same thing about public speaking; it shouldn't be that difficult either. But normative statements aside, the fact is that, for most people, it is. To paint this picture as clearly as possible, I am going to draw a quick analogy...
Imagine that every time you wanted to go on a first date to a guy, you first had to get up and speak in front of a full classroom or conference. Imagine you are walking down the aisle in the grocery store and a tall, attractive man turns towards you and is about to say something, when suddenly everything freezes and you find yourself sitting in a high-school classroom, being told that next week you will be expected to speak in front of the class, alone, for 15 minutes about an assigned topic. Remember that feeling of dread you used to get when the teacher made that announcement? That is precisely how it feels for most men when they are faced with approaching a random hot girl for the first time.
But it isn't even that simple. For the analogy to be accurate, you won't only have to swallow your pride, get up there, and do the presentation, but you will actually have to achieve a grade of 80 % or higher if you want the guy to ask for your phone number. It will be difficult to present the material naturally when you are nervous, because you will probably rush through it, maybe forget certain details, or speak too quietly. You posture will matter a lot too, but it is difficult to stand up straight when you are nervous. So your nerves will not only make accepting the challenge difficult, but they also destroy your chances of earning the requisite 80 %. Actually summoning up the guts to push through that initial fear is nowhere near enough.
Don't forget that in addition to the quality of your public speaking itself, the content of your presentation will need to be interesting and original. You won't be able to impress the class or the teacher with mere poise; you will also have to show them that you know what you are talking about - that you are intelligent and understand the material well. At the same time, you shouldn't overdo this demonstration, because if you try too hard to impress them, it will be obvious that your knowledge isn't organic, that it was rehearsed for this event only.
There is more. Remember that you will be graded on a curve, relative to the other students giving presentations - just like a man is always judged relative to a woman's other male options. And there will always be other students in the class that are naturally more gifted than you. Remember that nerd that always looked like he owned the class when he got up there to give his presentation? Not only was he confident, but he also made it painfully clear that he knew exactly what he was talking about - probably better even than the teacher. You were the first in the class to present, and he was one of the last students. Trying to get a better grade on your presentation than that kid is what it is like for most guys who want to talk to that beautiful brunette in the corner, who is standing right next to a 6'3" athletic, good-looking and cocky guy, who has probably bedded dozens of girls like her. You got up in front of the class to compete with the nerd because your teacher required it. Would you have done it if you'd been given the chance to opt out? What motivation does the guy in the bar have to challenge himself?
In fact, it is a huge testament to the depth of the male desire for sexual companionship (and I don't mean that only in the physical sense) that we push through these fears and nerves - yes, sometimes with the help of alcohol or game - in order to talk to and attract women. We do routinely get up in front of the class, swallow our pride and nerves and try our best to beat that nerdy kid with the killer public speaking skills and nerves of steel. And we often do it without any external motivation.
I am not trying to glorify the struggles of men, nor am I am trying to excuse our weaknesses. I am simply trying to show the girls who say things like those quoted at the start of this post that the male-female comparison isn't as simple as they believe; and I think analogies like this one go a long way towards doing so. If public-speaking isn't something you find difficult, then you can substitute it for whatever makes you nervous. Maybe for you it is going on roller-coasters or telling someone you care about that you love them for the first time. The point is that this kind of comparison will help you understand - and hopefully, therefore, appreciate - how difficult it can be for a guy to approach or pursue a girl he really likes. This understanding will count towards your general understanding of male behavior, which in turn will serve to improve your chances with men.
Related Posts
1. What it Is Like to Be Rejected by Girls
2. The Upper Hand In Relationships
3. How To Make Yourself Approachable
4. Why Men Don't Approach You During the Day
5. The More Confident He Is, The Less He Likes You
This guy at the bar was staring at me all night, but he never approached. What's the big deal?? If he likes me, he should just come talk to me! I want him to; why is he so intimidated?Or others have said essentially the same thing in suggesting that
A guy doesn't need to use pickup lines to talk to get girls. He just needs to say "hi" to get the girl he likes.The truth, of course, is that a guy just needs to say "hi" to get the girl that likes him. To get a girl without her prior interest, he "just" needs to impress her with his confidence and bearing when he approaches. He "just" needs to be calm and carry the conversation without making himself look like an idiot. The guy who stares at the girl across the bar but never approaches knows that this will be difficult to do when his pride, reputation and success all hinge on his performance (in fact, as we know from the quote above, he judges that it is too difficult, maybe impossible, and never approaches).
Consider what seems at first to be a relatively obvious and uninteresting fact: virtually all men need to drink alcohol before they will approach a woman they are attracted to. Think about that: virtually all men need to drink alcohol before they will approach a woman they are attracted to. You might not be able to empathize with the difficulty of approaching women, but this fact tells you pretty much all you need to know. Pause for a moment and ask yourself what other social actions are so unnerving that people would almost categorically get intoxicated before doing them (if it were socially acceptable to do so). Public speaking maybe? A big job interview? Confronting a good friend about something very important to you? A lot of people get nervous about these kinds of things long before doing them - hours, days, or sometimes even weeks in advance. Approaching a random, attractive woman is easily on the same difficulty level for the vast majority of men, and for a large number of them, it is much harder.
I am sure some female readers are thinking "That is ridiculous; it shouldn't be that difficult." Fine. Great. Maybe it shouldn't. I could say the same thing about public speaking; it shouldn't be that difficult either. But normative statements aside, the fact is that, for most people, it is. To paint this picture as clearly as possible, I am going to draw a quick analogy...
Imagine that every time you wanted to go on a first date to a guy, you first had to get up and speak in front of a full classroom or conference. Imagine you are walking down the aisle in the grocery store and a tall, attractive man turns towards you and is about to say something, when suddenly everything freezes and you find yourself sitting in a high-school classroom, being told that next week you will be expected to speak in front of the class, alone, for 15 minutes about an assigned topic. Remember that feeling of dread you used to get when the teacher made that announcement? That is precisely how it feels for most men when they are faced with approaching a random hot girl for the first time.
But it isn't even that simple. For the analogy to be accurate, you won't only have to swallow your pride, get up there, and do the presentation, but you will actually have to achieve a grade of 80 % or higher if you want the guy to ask for your phone number. It will be difficult to present the material naturally when you are nervous, because you will probably rush through it, maybe forget certain details, or speak too quietly. You posture will matter a lot too, but it is difficult to stand up straight when you are nervous. So your nerves will not only make accepting the challenge difficult, but they also destroy your chances of earning the requisite 80 %. Actually summoning up the guts to push through that initial fear is nowhere near enough.
Don't forget that in addition to the quality of your public speaking itself, the content of your presentation will need to be interesting and original. You won't be able to impress the class or the teacher with mere poise; you will also have to show them that you know what you are talking about - that you are intelligent and understand the material well. At the same time, you shouldn't overdo this demonstration, because if you try too hard to impress them, it will be obvious that your knowledge isn't organic, that it was rehearsed for this event only.
There is more. Remember that you will be graded on a curve, relative to the other students giving presentations - just like a man is always judged relative to a woman's other male options. And there will always be other students in the class that are naturally more gifted than you. Remember that nerd that always looked like he owned the class when he got up there to give his presentation? Not only was he confident, but he also made it painfully clear that he knew exactly what he was talking about - probably better even than the teacher. You were the first in the class to present, and he was one of the last students. Trying to get a better grade on your presentation than that kid is what it is like for most guys who want to talk to that beautiful brunette in the corner, who is standing right next to a 6'3" athletic, good-looking and cocky guy, who has probably bedded dozens of girls like her. You got up in front of the class to compete with the nerd because your teacher required it. Would you have done it if you'd been given the chance to opt out? What motivation does the guy in the bar have to challenge himself?
In fact, it is a huge testament to the depth of the male desire for sexual companionship (and I don't mean that only in the physical sense) that we push through these fears and nerves - yes, sometimes with the help of alcohol or game - in order to talk to and attract women. We do routinely get up in front of the class, swallow our pride and nerves and try our best to beat that nerdy kid with the killer public speaking skills and nerves of steel. And we often do it without any external motivation.
I am not trying to glorify the struggles of men, nor am I am trying to excuse our weaknesses. I am simply trying to show the girls who say things like those quoted at the start of this post that the male-female comparison isn't as simple as they believe; and I think analogies like this one go a long way towards doing so. If public-speaking isn't something you find difficult, then you can substitute it for whatever makes you nervous. Maybe for you it is going on roller-coasters or telling someone you care about that you love them for the first time. The point is that this kind of comparison will help you understand - and hopefully, therefore, appreciate - how difficult it can be for a guy to approach or pursue a girl he really likes. This understanding will count towards your general understanding of male behavior, which in turn will serve to improve your chances with men.
Related Posts
1. What it Is Like to Be Rejected by Girls
2. The Upper Hand In Relationships
3. How To Make Yourself Approachable
4. Why Men Don't Approach You During the Day
5. The More Confident He Is, The Less He Likes You
Friday, February 15, 2013
The Advantage of Dating After 30
Two women step out of their front doors on a Friday night in New York City. It is the middle of winter and a light snow is just starting to fall. Both women are dressed up and heading out to meet with their respective friends for some drinks. One woman is 23 years old and the other is 32. Both are single and want little more than to ultimately find true love.
The 23-year-old has had one serious boyfriend in her life. She slept with him during all of the 3 years they dated, until he broke up with her soon after they graduated from college. She recently had an exciting night of sex with a guy she met in a bar who was incredibly attractive. He had seemed interested in her - he was even affectionate in bed; but now he isn't calling. In the back of her mind she knows there will be attractive men out tonight, and she is hoping to eventually meet someone she can date seriously. However, she hasn't thought too much beyond the evening and maybe the start of a relationship. Right now, the excitement and nervousness of going to a high-end nightclub for the first time occupies her mind, as she grew up and went to college in the rural South where all they had were a few dive bars.
The 32-year-old has had five "official" boyfriends in her life. She's slept with eight men - four were her boyfriends and two were guys she was "just dating." They seemed interested but faded away after sex. The other two were drunken one-night stands during college, before she knew better - or more accurately, when she learned better. She is growing more and more self-conscious and concerned about the fact that she is still single in her thirties. While she knows she was probably too immature to get married previously, she also knows that her friends and extended family have started raising eyebrows. However, in the past two years she's really started to see trends and mistakes in her dating history, and she encountered a few ideas in books and online, and these have really changed her outlook. She knows now what she did wrong before. While she knows Manhattan is a horrible place for a single girl to live, she hasn't lost hope yet.
As the 23-year-old gets out of her cab in front of the nightclub where she'll meet her friends, the sharp cold bites at her face. It excites her because she only recently moved north, and this is the first time she's gone out to party in the snow. Stepping out onto the busy Manhattan sidewalk wearing high heels and her her new coat, she feels like she is on the set of Sex and The City, or one of her favorite romantic comedies. If she is honest with herself, she sort of expects to meet a guy in New York, though she definitely isn't ready to get married. She has a career and other aspirations to meet before she is ready to settle down.
As the 32-year-old gets out of the cab in front of the lounge where she'll meet her friends, the sharp cold bites at her face. It reminds her of the time three years ago when she first met her ex boyfriend. It was snowing then, too. She'd seen him looking at her earlier across the bar she was at with her friends, but he didn't approach. Then, by fate (she knows now it was just coincidence), they had both walked out of a bar at the same time (closing time). She'd been a little tipsy and given in when her girlfriends pressured her to go ask him for his number. It had felt a bit strange to do it, but in the end they dated for eight months, so for a while she thought it was the right move - at least until he dumped her for a girl who he said was more "his type."
The 23-year-old meets her girlfriends, who are waiting in a big crowd at the velvet rope outside the nightclub. The single question that consumes her mind is whether or not she is hot enough to be let inside. She starts to feel nervous. She knows she is hot, but the other girls waiting to get in look like supermodels. But as the bouncer lifts the rope and chooses her and her friends before all the others, her excitement and ego both skyrocket. "I love nightclubs already" she thinks to herself, as she looks over her shoulder and sees the other girls outside in the cold, watching with jealously as she walks through the door. She feels sorry for the few girls who were clearly older than the others - probably over 30; they definitely aren't getting in.
The 32-year-old meets her two girlfriends at an upscale lounge that they've come to like, mostly because it is never too loud and has a good layout, conducive to meeting new people. It doesn't hurt that the men who go there are generally older professionals, men who have their shit together and don't drink until they fall down. They pick a good spot at the bar and order a drink. They've arrived early so the crowd is still a bit sparse, but this gives them time to actually hang out and talk before anyone else arrives and they get involved in other conversations. As the 32-year-old orders her drink, she chats with the bartender for a bit, because she knows that even a brief conversation with a stranger (male or female) will get her into a more social mood, which might help later if any men want to talk to her. She learned that trick when she first moved to the city and sometimes went out alone. In fact, she'd met one of the girls she was with tonight that way.
The 23-year-old is amazed by the decor and energy inside the club - she's never seen anything like it. She feels like a celebrity, surrounded by the dancers, the music, the lights, the men - the men! Through the heavy club atmosphere she sees them and wonders who these guys are... standing on couches, dancing with beautiful women and drinking expensive champagne by the bottle. Some of them look like they might be famous but she isn't sure. Almost all of the men are drunk already. A guy standing next to her, who looks a bit out-of-place in his simplicity (though he is fairly attractive), raises his voice to ask her what she thinks about the DJ tonight, adding that he would prefer more popular music, but overall he was quite good. "He is good" she says without making eye contact, but she turns away immediately. "What a stupid question," she thinks to herself (though if she is honest, she also admits that she didn't really know what to say in response). She wonders how she can get an invite to drink at one of the tables...
The 32-year-old returns to her friends after her conversation with the bartender to find that a tall, very stylish and attractive man was asking her friends if they could introduce him to her. Her friends oblige, and he immediately isolates her from the group. This screams "predator" to her, but she knows that not all men have great game, so she doesn't bail yet. They talk for a few minutes, but the 32-year-old is further turned off by his constant smirk and the way he keeps touching her arm. She's met men like this before - in fact, one of her ex boyfriends approached her with the same cocky, sexual demeanor. They dated for about a year, but that transparent facade of pseudo-confidence remained throughout the relationship. She eventually dumped him and now considers the whole year wasted - at least from a dating perspective. When the arm-touching becomes a little too much to handle, she tells him it was nice to meet him and politely excuses herself to use the restroom.
The 23-year old and her friends are approached by a bouncer who invites them to drink with "some gentlemen at the VIP table." They gladly agree, and follow the bouncer as he ushers them through the crowd like celebrities. The "gentlemen" welcome them with free shots of a vodka, which looks like it is top-shelf (she gets a glimpse of the label; it is called Stolichayna or Stolishnaya - something like that. It looks so exotic - Russian, she thinks.) The 23-year-old takes a liking to the only guy at the table dressed in a suit; he is very good-looking and seems to be the leader, even though she guesses he is only 24 or 25. She is sure that she can have him because she knows she is hotter than her friends. By now she is getting fairly drunk and they start to dance. After several minutes his hands are holding her waist (she loves that feeling) and they kiss. He sits down with her to "take a break from dancing" and they start to make out on the couch. The music and alcohol drown out everything else and she is lost in the moment...
The 32-year-old returns from the bathroom. Her two friends are now talking to a group of three guys, one of whom is listening more than participating. She can tell from his posture that is isn't shy or socially awkward - but rather patient. This interests her. She intentionally positions herself right next to him as she re-joins the group. He introduces himself and they start to make small talk. She wouldn't have picked him out from the crowd for his looks, but his understated and confident demeanor is confirmed and grows on her as they talk. A couple times he mentions things in passing that really spike her interest. She would stop him and ask him to elaborate but she is also interested in what he is telling her at the moment. He is clearly experienced and intelligent, and she judges that he is probably at least in his mid-thirties. Although he is older, she's learned over time that this is better than the opposite. At one point it crosses her mind how glad she is to be in a venue where she can hear him clearly. Conversations like this were always impossible in the nightclubs she used to go to in her twenties. Their conversational chemistry is great, and they continue talking for almost two hours...
The 23-year-old is hammered by the time the lights come on at closing time, and she considers herself the luckiest girl in the club because of the guy she "picked up." He invites her back to his hotel room to "keep the party going." Despite her drunkenness, she hesitates. She knows she doesn't want to sleep with him - she remembers how that turned out last time. But she agrees to go anyway, reasoning to herself that she can always tell him no later. As he takes her hand and leads her out of the club and into a taxi, she catches a glimpse of the out-of-place guy who'd asked her about the DJ at the beginning of the night. He has a strangely smug look on his face as she trips into the cab with the guy in the suit. It occurs to her as they pull away in the taxi that the suited guy still hasn't asked for her name...
The 32-year-old is still talking to the quiet-but-confident guy when she realizes it is already a few minutes past midnight. Normally she leaves bars by 11 pm, but she really wasn't paying close attention to the time tonight. She tells him that she really needs to get home so that she can get up at a reasonable hour for her workout. He asks her for her name and then her phone number. She knows this drill; she'd been through it probably a hundred times before, but her gauge of personalities has gotten better and better over the years. She has a pretty good feeling about this guy, so she decides to give him her last name too. He suggests that they should meet up next week sometime for coffee. They say goodnight and go their separate ways. As she walks out the door, she catches a glimpse of the cocky, stylish guy that had approached her earlier. He had obviously been watching in confused surprise as she gave the less-attractive guy her number. "Filtered him out." she thought as she smiled to herself and slipped out the front door and into a passing cab. "Wouldn't have done that ten years ago..."
The 23-year-old has had one serious boyfriend in her life. She slept with him during all of the 3 years they dated, until he broke up with her soon after they graduated from college. She recently had an exciting night of sex with a guy she met in a bar who was incredibly attractive. He had seemed interested in her - he was even affectionate in bed; but now he isn't calling. In the back of her mind she knows there will be attractive men out tonight, and she is hoping to eventually meet someone she can date seriously. However, she hasn't thought too much beyond the evening and maybe the start of a relationship. Right now, the excitement and nervousness of going to a high-end nightclub for the first time occupies her mind, as she grew up and went to college in the rural South where all they had were a few dive bars.
The 32-year-old has had five "official" boyfriends in her life. She's slept with eight men - four were her boyfriends and two were guys she was "just dating." They seemed interested but faded away after sex. The other two were drunken one-night stands during college, before she knew better - or more accurately, when she learned better. She is growing more and more self-conscious and concerned about the fact that she is still single in her thirties. While she knows she was probably too immature to get married previously, she also knows that her friends and extended family have started raising eyebrows. However, in the past two years she's really started to see trends and mistakes in her dating history, and she encountered a few ideas in books and online, and these have really changed her outlook. She knows now what she did wrong before. While she knows Manhattan is a horrible place for a single girl to live, she hasn't lost hope yet.
As the 23-year-old gets out of her cab in front of the nightclub where she'll meet her friends, the sharp cold bites at her face. It excites her because she only recently moved north, and this is the first time she's gone out to party in the snow. Stepping out onto the busy Manhattan sidewalk wearing high heels and her her new coat, she feels like she is on the set of Sex and The City, or one of her favorite romantic comedies. If she is honest with herself, she sort of expects to meet a guy in New York, though she definitely isn't ready to get married. She has a career and other aspirations to meet before she is ready to settle down.
As the 32-year-old gets out of the cab in front of the lounge where she'll meet her friends, the sharp cold bites at her face. It reminds her of the time three years ago when she first met her ex boyfriend. It was snowing then, too. She'd seen him looking at her earlier across the bar she was at with her friends, but he didn't approach. Then, by fate (she knows now it was just coincidence), they had both walked out of a bar at the same time (closing time). She'd been a little tipsy and given in when her girlfriends pressured her to go ask him for his number. It had felt a bit strange to do it, but in the end they dated for eight months, so for a while she thought it was the right move - at least until he dumped her for a girl who he said was more "his type."
The 23-year-old meets her girlfriends, who are waiting in a big crowd at the velvet rope outside the nightclub. The single question that consumes her mind is whether or not she is hot enough to be let inside. She starts to feel nervous. She knows she is hot, but the other girls waiting to get in look like supermodels. But as the bouncer lifts the rope and chooses her and her friends before all the others, her excitement and ego both skyrocket. "I love nightclubs already" she thinks to herself, as she looks over her shoulder and sees the other girls outside in the cold, watching with jealously as she walks through the door. She feels sorry for the few girls who were clearly older than the others - probably over 30; they definitely aren't getting in.
The 32-year-old meets her two girlfriends at an upscale lounge that they've come to like, mostly because it is never too loud and has a good layout, conducive to meeting new people. It doesn't hurt that the men who go there are generally older professionals, men who have their shit together and don't drink until they fall down. They pick a good spot at the bar and order a drink. They've arrived early so the crowd is still a bit sparse, but this gives them time to actually hang out and talk before anyone else arrives and they get involved in other conversations. As the 32-year-old orders her drink, she chats with the bartender for a bit, because she knows that even a brief conversation with a stranger (male or female) will get her into a more social mood, which might help later if any men want to talk to her. She learned that trick when she first moved to the city and sometimes went out alone. In fact, she'd met one of the girls she was with tonight that way.
The 23-year-old is amazed by the decor and energy inside the club - she's never seen anything like it. She feels like a celebrity, surrounded by the dancers, the music, the lights, the men - the men! Through the heavy club atmosphere she sees them and wonders who these guys are... standing on couches, dancing with beautiful women and drinking expensive champagne by the bottle. Some of them look like they might be famous but she isn't sure. Almost all of the men are drunk already. A guy standing next to her, who looks a bit out-of-place in his simplicity (though he is fairly attractive), raises his voice to ask her what she thinks about the DJ tonight, adding that he would prefer more popular music, but overall he was quite good. "He is good" she says without making eye contact, but she turns away immediately. "What a stupid question," she thinks to herself (though if she is honest, she also admits that she didn't really know what to say in response). She wonders how she can get an invite to drink at one of the tables...
The 32-year-old returns to her friends after her conversation with the bartender to find that a tall, very stylish and attractive man was asking her friends if they could introduce him to her. Her friends oblige, and he immediately isolates her from the group. This screams "predator" to her, but she knows that not all men have great game, so she doesn't bail yet. They talk for a few minutes, but the 32-year-old is further turned off by his constant smirk and the way he keeps touching her arm. She's met men like this before - in fact, one of her ex boyfriends approached her with the same cocky, sexual demeanor. They dated for about a year, but that transparent facade of pseudo-confidence remained throughout the relationship. She eventually dumped him and now considers the whole year wasted - at least from a dating perspective. When the arm-touching becomes a little too much to handle, she tells him it was nice to meet him and politely excuses herself to use the restroom.
The 23-year old and her friends are approached by a bouncer who invites them to drink with "some gentlemen at the VIP table." They gladly agree, and follow the bouncer as he ushers them through the crowd like celebrities. The "gentlemen" welcome them with free shots of a vodka, which looks like it is top-shelf (she gets a glimpse of the label; it is called Stolichayna or Stolishnaya - something like that. It looks so exotic - Russian, she thinks.) The 23-year-old takes a liking to the only guy at the table dressed in a suit; he is very good-looking and seems to be the leader, even though she guesses he is only 24 or 25. She is sure that she can have him because she knows she is hotter than her friends. By now she is getting fairly drunk and they start to dance. After several minutes his hands are holding her waist (she loves that feeling) and they kiss. He sits down with her to "take a break from dancing" and they start to make out on the couch. The music and alcohol drown out everything else and she is lost in the moment...
The 32-year-old returns from the bathroom. Her two friends are now talking to a group of three guys, one of whom is listening more than participating. She can tell from his posture that is isn't shy or socially awkward - but rather patient. This interests her. She intentionally positions herself right next to him as she re-joins the group. He introduces himself and they start to make small talk. She wouldn't have picked him out from the crowd for his looks, but his understated and confident demeanor is confirmed and grows on her as they talk. A couple times he mentions things in passing that really spike her interest. She would stop him and ask him to elaborate but she is also interested in what he is telling her at the moment. He is clearly experienced and intelligent, and she judges that he is probably at least in his mid-thirties. Although he is older, she's learned over time that this is better than the opposite. At one point it crosses her mind how glad she is to be in a venue where she can hear him clearly. Conversations like this were always impossible in the nightclubs she used to go to in her twenties. Their conversational chemistry is great, and they continue talking for almost two hours...
The 23-year-old is hammered by the time the lights come on at closing time, and she considers herself the luckiest girl in the club because of the guy she "picked up." He invites her back to his hotel room to "keep the party going." Despite her drunkenness, she hesitates. She knows she doesn't want to sleep with him - she remembers how that turned out last time. But she agrees to go anyway, reasoning to herself that she can always tell him no later. As he takes her hand and leads her out of the club and into a taxi, she catches a glimpse of the out-of-place guy who'd asked her about the DJ at the beginning of the night. He has a strangely smug look on his face as she trips into the cab with the guy in the suit. It occurs to her as they pull away in the taxi that the suited guy still hasn't asked for her name...
The 32-year-old is still talking to the quiet-but-confident guy when she realizes it is already a few minutes past midnight. Normally she leaves bars by 11 pm, but she really wasn't paying close attention to the time tonight. She tells him that she really needs to get home so that she can get up at a reasonable hour for her workout. He asks her for her name and then her phone number. She knows this drill; she'd been through it probably a hundred times before, but her gauge of personalities has gotten better and better over the years. She has a pretty good feeling about this guy, so she decides to give him her last name too. He suggests that they should meet up next week sometime for coffee. They say goodnight and go their separate ways. As she walks out the door, she catches a glimpse of the cocky, stylish guy that had approached her earlier. He had obviously been watching in confused surprise as she gave the less-attractive guy her number. "Filtered him out." she thought as she smiled to herself and slipped out the front door and into a passing cab. "Wouldn't have done that ten years ago..."
Related Posts
Friday, January 18, 2013
Why Men Don't Approach You During The Day
I saw you made a Twitter post about women wearing makeup to the gym...
I go to the gym in my local area a few times per week. I'm one of those girls who wear makeup, albeit not a lot. I am 22, have a good figure and wear tight workout wear.I have never been approached at the gym. I would have loved to be - there are many attractive men there, and it's in my local high-end area - they're well educated and successful guys, often attractive too. Sometimes I think they may be an age group a bit too old and that some of them are married.I usually get hit on quite a lot in bars. I see your posts about being around men and making yourself attractive to them. I follow all of that advice - I don't think I have a problem with the attractiveness part. I would love to be asked out in any of these scenes (gym, college...), because I feel I would have more of a guarantee that they're the right guys, but I am simply not. I sometimes catch them looking, but they never ever come over.What is it? Are men too shy during the day? Or are there some things women must specifically do to make themselves approachable in daytime scenarios?
I probably should have addressed this question a long time ago, when I covered topics like Why You Don't Get Approached by Men and How To Make Yourself Approachable. In any case, there is a simple answer: men don't approach much during the day because there is a much greater social barrier to doing so. In a bar environment, social interaction is expected. People are there to socialize, if not there with the actual intention of meeting members of the opposite sex. Alcohol also facilitates the interaction a great deal, since it makes men relaxed and takes some of the difficulty out of the approach.
In other venues, like the gym, the grocery store, a shopping mall, or just on the street, most people are there to get something done. They aren't there to meet people; they are there to work out, or pick up some milk, get a new pair of jeans, or get home before it starts raining. Especially in the United States, which is a very accomplishment-focused culture, these activities are packed into an already tight schedule. And while this isn't always the case, and isn't an absolute bar to approaching a woman, it gives a man another excuse to talk himself out of an already nerve-racking experience. It is so much easier for him to tell himself "she is probably busy, and I probably wouldn't like her anyway" than it is to barge into her personal space and face rejection.
Your cause isn't helped by the following factors:
- In public places like the gym or a bus, men who want to approach you would be more easily over-heard, so the embarrassment of failure would be greater than in a bar or nightclub.
- Most women tell men "I would never want to be hit on at the gym. I am all gross and sweaty when I am at the gym. I don't want a guy approaching me; I just want to work out in peace." I can't count the number of times I've heard women say this. Granted, I usually understand this to be a self-serving comment, meant to display the fact that (a) men want to hit on them at the gym, and that (b) they have so much attention from men that they don't care. But unfortunately the effect on the male population is the same nonetheless: it tells men that women want to be left alone during their workout or daily activities.
- Most women wear headphones and listen to music when they are in the gym, on the train, or walking down the street. This only heightens the sense that, when people aren't in the segmented few hours of their life assigned to "socializing," they are off limits to meeting strangers. If you follow me on Twitter you will remember the tweet I made recently about women wearing headphones in public. (Men do this too, of course, but it is less of an issue when it comes to being approached, since men normally do the approaching.)
So the short answer to your question is that men don't approach you in the gym or other day-times venues because they have to take much more social risk in order to do so. Most men can't get up the balls to approach a woman at night, so the added deterrents during the day make it even less likely.
One final note: although you aren't as likely to be approached during the day, and may therefore question the importance of always looking your best, it is worth considering that you are much more likely to be incidentally thrown into interaction with men during the day - for example, when you have a brief conversation with the hot guy at the front desk as you check in at the gym, or when you repeatedly run into an attractive guy at your favorite lunch spot. Not to mention that, by regularly paying attention to how you present yourself, you will learn how to improve your look and thereby optimize your chances in nightlife venues as well.
Related Posts
1. Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys - Part 1
2. You Always Go To The Gym. And You Like It.
3. What It Is Like to Be Rejected by Girls
4. How To Make Yourself Approachable
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Some Older Women Are Smart
"You want to check out Vin de Syrah?" I asked my brother, as we walked up Fifth Avenue.
"Yeah sounds good. I liked that place last time."
"OK, but I need to piss pretty bad... let me run into Seersucker right here and use the bathroom, then we'll go."
Seersucker is a newer, swankier bar in the Gaslamp area of San Diego and has quickly become a popular place for people in their thirties. The crowd is generally a little classier and more mature than in most of the surrounding bars and nightclubs, but the women are usually older - even though they know how to dress and present themselves well.
Seersucker is a newer, swankier bar in the Gaslamp area of San Diego and has quickly become a popular place for people in their thirties. The crowd is generally a little classier and more mature than in most of the surrounding bars and nightclubs, but the women are usually older - even though they know how to dress and present themselves well.
I knew we'd only be in there a few minutes, but as we walked through the crowd towards the bathroom I couldn't help but to scan the crowd for girls. Two immediately caught my attention. They were both attractive, and although I could tell that they were probably a couple years older than me, one was definitely my type. She had long, black, straight hair and light skin, with dark eyes and a wide smile. More importantly, she was wearing a small, tight cocktail dress and high heels. There was no way I could leave without at least trying to talk to her.
In the bathroom I asked my brother "Did you see those two girls? The dark-haired one had a slamming hot body. She looks a little older than me, but she is gorgeous, and that dress and those heels are ridiculous. I just want to talk to her quickly before we leave."
On the way out I walked over and said hello and started talking to them. They were friendly, and we had a fun conversation. A couple times I took a natural opportunity to look down at the dark-haired woman's body, and I almost had to stop myself from drooling. It was impeccable. I wanted to tear off that tiny dress and handle her small, perfect, frame. After seeing the girls up-close, though, my suspicion about their age was confirmed. When they asked about my brother's and my ages, I asked them how old they were. The one I liked was 29 and her beauty was clearly starting to fade. Five years ago should would have been a ten. That night she was probably about an eight.
Our conversation was interrupted by another guy who wanted to talk to the girls. He had zero game, and the interaction turned awkward quickly. The girls excused themselves to go to the bathroom.
"Never let a girl choose to leave the interaction and then be found waiting for her to come back," I told him, imparting one lesson I'd learned a few times the hard way. "You will look like a chump. Let's go sit at the bar until they come out." And that is what we did.
A few minutes later they walked out of the restrooms. I could tell they were looking around for us where we'd been talking to them earlier. They didn't see us, so they started making motions to leave the bar. As they walked past us on the way to the door, I caught eye contact with them and asked them if they were heading out. I had to get the dark-haired girl's phone number. I knew from how smoothly the conversation went earlier that she would give it to me. I knew that I couldn't date a girl her age, but neither could I resist that body and hair.
We made small talk for a few moments about where they were going next, then they started towards the door again.
"Before you go, let me take your phone number." I said to the dark-haired girl as I pulled out my phone. "I'd like to talk to you again."
The dark-haired girl laughed. "You want to take my number?" she asked, amused. "But you're 28!"
"Yeah, haha, I know. And you are 29. Listen, the only girl I've loved was a year older than me. It can work." I said this - truthfully - as I opened a new contact in my phone, ignoring her resistance - which I assumed was just an attempt to see how serious I was about her. It might be true that I was too young for her, but I knew that wishful thinking prevented most women from actually acknowledging this, so the possibility didn't cross my mind.
At this point, any other girl who had shown as much attraction to me as this girl would have stepped in to look over my shoulder as I put her number into my phone. But this girl's body language didn't include even the slightest motion towards granting my request. She literally laughed it off. I forget now exactly what she said next, but in that moment I realized that she was absolutely serious in her refusal, despite of how playful she was about communicating it. The sum total of her words and body language said "Ha! You must think I am stupid if you think I am going to give my phone number to a guy younger than me. You know as well as I do that it won't go anywhere; don't play dumb. I like you, but let's not be naive here. Goodnight."
As she said "Goodnight," and walked out the door with her friend. I sat there, stunned and confused, as my brother and I watched them walk out the door into the street.
"What the hell was that?" I asked my brother. But the question was rhetorical, because I knew exactly what it was. It was smart.
Related Posts
1. Your Age and Your Attractiveness
2. What Men Think About Older Women
3. Don't Let a Guy Waste Your Most Eligible Years
4. The Advantage of Dating Over 30
Related Posts
1. Your Age and Your Attractiveness
2. What Men Think About Older Women
3. Don't Let a Guy Waste Your Most Eligible Years
4. The Advantage of Dating Over 30
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
How to Deal with Men Who Have Bad "Game"
I received the e-mail below from a reader recently, and thought it would be interesting to other readers as well. I've polished my response slightly, but otherwise the exchange is unchanged.
_______________________________________________
Dear Andrew,
First of all, I love the blog, I have nothing but the highest praises for your writing. :)
I have a question for you, which I think many female readers will sympathize...As I'm sure you already know, a lot of attention is being paid to the kind of game a guy needs to get the girls he wants. A lot of this focuses on teaching guys to demonstrate cockiness/confidence and not supplicating to a girl he likes. While I definitely understand the motivation behind this, I feel like these ideas are starting to get kind of over-saturated in the dating world. Now, when I go out, it seems like most guys think that making fun of you is the course. However, I think a lot of guys aren't really sure where the line is between playful teasing and overly sarcastic comments. Case in point, the other night I was at a birthday party and was talking to a guy who approached me. I asked him at one point how he knew the birthday boy, which I thought was a casual question, to which his response was "I didn't realize this was an interview, do you want my social security number next?" It's possible that I was being too confrontational when I asked, but I don't think so, and his comment kind of sucked away the fun, light vibe of the conversation. He kept going with similar comments, and eventually the conversation petered out a bit awkwardly.
My question for you is, how do you think a girl should respond in those types of situations where a guy might unknowingly be going too far? In the past my reaction was to get defensive or annoyed, but I've now realized that that is equally bad and just makes the tone of an interaction terse and negative. I try when I can to respond in a flirty way, but sometimes it's hard not to get defensive or touchy! I know I can't change the behavior of thousands of guys, but I can change my own responses. If there is a way I can show a guy I'm interested and that he doesn't need to do that, but do so in a way that is encouraging and sweet, I would love to know how. Thoughts?
Thanks for your time!
_______________________________________________
Don't be too surprised if some guys react poorly, even to this “soft” kind of reaction. They've read books that tell them they should be the “alpha male,” commanding the conversation; and if you take charge like this, they are liable to get upset, feeling like they've “lost.” In fact, some guys might actually try to neg you harder. In this case, your best bet is to walk away. You will save your own time and do them a favor by showing them that their line or attitude didn’t work. After a couple years trying these tactics unsuccessfully, they will either make adjustments until they are less offensive and do work, or drop them altogether.
"Game" could be just a passing social fad, but it definitely isn’t going to pass during our generation, so you will need to be patient with guys on the steeper portion of the learning curve. Recognize that, in the long run, it is helping men get over their fear of approaching you, and this is a good thing for both sexes – even if there are some bumps along the way.
Hope that helps.
Andrew
______________________________________________
If you have questions you'd like answered, feel free to e-mail me at therulesrevisited@gmail.com
_______________________________________________
Dear Andrew,
First of all, I love the blog, I have nothing but the highest praises for your writing. :)
I have a question for you, which I think many female readers will sympathize...As I'm sure you already know, a lot of attention is being paid to the kind of game a guy needs to get the girls he wants. A lot of this focuses on teaching guys to demonstrate cockiness/confidence and not supplicating to a girl he likes. While I definitely understand the motivation behind this, I feel like these ideas are starting to get kind of over-saturated in the dating world. Now, when I go out, it seems like most guys think that making fun of you is the course. However, I think a lot of guys aren't really sure where the line is between playful teasing and overly sarcastic comments. Case in point, the other night I was at a birthday party and was talking to a guy who approached me. I asked him at one point how he knew the birthday boy, which I thought was a casual question, to which his response was "I didn't realize this was an interview, do you want my social security number next?" It's possible that I was being too confrontational when I asked, but I don't think so, and his comment kind of sucked away the fun, light vibe of the conversation. He kept going with similar comments, and eventually the conversation petered out a bit awkwardly.
My question for you is, how do you think a girl should respond in those types of situations where a guy might unknowingly be going too far? In the past my reaction was to get defensive or annoyed, but I've now realized that that is equally bad and just makes the tone of an interaction terse and negative. I try when I can to respond in a flirty way, but sometimes it's hard not to get defensive or touchy! I know I can't change the behavior of thousands of guys, but I can change my own responses. If there is a way I can show a guy I'm interested and that he doesn't need to do that, but do so in a way that is encouraging and sweet, I would love to know how. Thoughts?
Thanks for your time!
_______________________________________________
Thanks, glad you like the blog.
I know exactly what you mean about men acting the way you describe, for two reasons. First, because in the past year or so I have actually started to overhear men "gaming" women at bars, and doing it poorly. What used to be a relatively "underground" set of tactics is now being used in the mainstream, and often in a misunderstood and watered-down form. Secondly, I’ve tried some of it myself, and have said similarly stupid things. The point is, I can definitely answer your question.
I know exactly what you mean about men acting the way you describe, for two reasons. First, because in the past year or so I have actually started to overhear men "gaming" women at bars, and doing it poorly. What used to be a relatively "underground" set of tactics is now being used in the mainstream, and often in a misunderstood and watered-down form. Secondly, I’ve tried some of it myself, and have said similarly stupid things. The point is, I can definitely answer your question.
Recognize that, ultimately, men are saying these things (and acting these ways) because they have an incredibly deep drive and desire to be with you – romantically, sexually, socially, or all three. And until they discovered "game" they had absolutely no idea how to do so. Women for them were like an enormous and wildly beautiful diamond on display in a museum: plainly visible and even within an arm’s reach, but surrounded by security guards and a thick plate of bullet-proof glass preventing them from obtaining it. That kind inability – especially when coupled with such a strong desire – is a powerful and sickening thing to feel. (I describe it briefly in the opening lines of the post Men Have No Clue Why They Find a Woman Attractive.)
At some point, these same men stumbled across a fairly convincing system that promises success with women and isn't impossible too follow – a system that tells them how to remove the bulletproof glass and disarm the security guards (i.e. their own lack of confidence). Of course they are going to try it. But the fact that they are trying it does not mean that they are suddenly naturally confident about confronting you. While “game” certainly gives them more confidence than they had, it by no means eliminates their inexperience or nervousness. So when men say things like this, recognize that the underlying emotion they are feeling is somewhere between nervousness and crippling insecurity.
What goes through their minds is something like this:
At some point, these same men stumbled across a fairly convincing system that promises success with women and isn't impossible too follow – a system that tells them how to remove the bulletproof glass and disarm the security guards (i.e. their own lack of confidence). Of course they are going to try it. But the fact that they are trying it does not mean that they are suddenly naturally confident about confronting you. While “game” certainly gives them more confidence than they had, it by no means eliminates their inexperience or nervousness. So when men say things like this, recognize that the underlying emotion they are feeling is somewhere between nervousness and crippling insecurity.
What goes through their minds is something like this:
Fuck that girl is cute. Good thing I know what to say to make her like me. I’m kinda nervous, but nerves are irrational; I am going to (try to) ignore them. Man this is hard. But OK, here I go, no more pussy shit. I am going to approach her... remember: be cool, confident, calm – say the right thing, don't let her know you are too interested…
[Approach, use “opener”]
OK, that went reasonably well, at least she doesn’t hate me… now what? Neg! I need to neg her, that is what The Game said to do. OK here goes...
[Neg - like the "interview" one you used as an example]
Fuck, she’s pissed, she doesn’t like me. Do I hang in there? Maybe if I fix my body language she will change her mind. Ugh. Nope. Do I actually walk away at this point? This is humiliating. Maybe I should just try... no... it's over.
[Walk away, make excuses to friends about why it went poorly and take 5 shots to get over it]
Maybe I should have isolated her from the group first. I’ll have to go back to that website where I got that line and try something different. I must have said it wrong.
(Notice that the use of the neg is never questioned.)
Of course, not all guys that use “game” are this unsure of themselves. The ones that are more seasoned won’t be as abrasive, and you probably won’t even be able to pick them out from other men - and why would you want to? – it doesn’t mean that their intentions are any more insidious; it just means they weren’t “naturals” and have used techniques to overcome their inhibitions. But the guys that you are asking about are basically scarred shitless of you, and are blindly following a set of rules because that is all they know. While you should admire the fact that they are using the limited tools they have to get what they want, you should also have some sympathy for them, because their situation is fairly pathetic.
But back to your main question: how do you respond? It would be dishonest to them to act as if their "neg" or technique was successful (let alone subtle). But as you've realized, it is equally ineffective to call them out, bite back, or chastise them. Instead, try the following:
Of course, not all guys that use “game” are this unsure of themselves. The ones that are more seasoned won’t be as abrasive, and you probably won’t even be able to pick them out from other men - and why would you want to? – it doesn’t mean that their intentions are any more insidious; it just means they weren’t “naturals” and have used techniques to overcome their inhibitions. But the guys that you are asking about are basically scarred shitless of you, and are blindly following a set of rules because that is all they know. While you should admire the fact that they are using the limited tools they have to get what they want, you should also have some sympathy for them, because their situation is fairly pathetic.
But back to your main question: how do you respond? It would be dishonest to them to act as if their "neg" or technique was successful (let alone subtle). But as you've realized, it is equally ineffective to call them out, bite back, or chastise them. Instead, try the following:
- Respond negatively but briefly, i.e. in such a way that they recognize that their words or actions were not effective.
- Continue in a light-hearted manner, as if it didn't bother you (and knowing that their words or actions stem from nervousness will help you to be less bothered by them).
Don't be too surprised if some guys react poorly, even to this “soft” kind of reaction. They've read books that tell them they should be the “alpha male,” commanding the conversation; and if you take charge like this, they are liable to get upset, feeling like they've “lost.” In fact, some guys might actually try to neg you harder. In this case, your best bet is to walk away. You will save your own time and do them a favor by showing them that their line or attitude didn’t work. After a couple years trying these tactics unsuccessfully, they will either make adjustments until they are less offensive and do work, or drop them altogether.
"Game" could be just a passing social fad, but it definitely isn’t going to pass during our generation, so you will need to be patient with guys on the steeper portion of the learning curve. Recognize that, in the long run, it is helping men get over their fear of approaching you, and this is a good thing for both sexes – even if there are some bumps along the way.
Hope that helps.
______________________________________________
If you have questions you'd like answered, feel free to e-mail me at therulesrevisited@gmail.com
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Things to Avoid on Your Internet Dating Profile
I've spent some time recently trying online dating, and while I can't offer too many rules about what you should put on your profile, I see a lot of things that routinely cause me to cringe. Here is a list of ways to avoid them when you are creating or updating your profile (in no particular order):
1. Don't post pictures of yourself with hotter girls. This will only serve as a reminder to the guy checking you out that there is something better out there that he can't get. The crop function in your photo editor exists for a number of good reasons, and this is one of them. Yes, the rule applies to sisters and mothers too.
2. Don't only post pictures of yourself alone. This make you look like a loner, i.e. someone who other people have collectively decided is not worth hanging out with. Also avoid photos of yourself taken by yourself. These are even worse.
3. Don't start your profile with a list of things you don't want in guy. In fact, don't include that list anywhere. This is a universal sign of a bitch. If you even have the inclination to make such a list, consider revamping your personality. I have seen smoking hot girls that I would have loved to message until I read their "about me" section, at which point I realized they were high-maintenance, obnoxious and a waste of time.
4. Don't start describing yourself by saying how much you hate doing so, or how bad you are at it. So many girls do this. It sounds insecure and sets a bad tone. And don't be apologetic about your inability on top of pointing it out; this only adds to the effect.
5. Don't advertise how much you love your dog. Men all know (either consciously or subconsciously) that women in their twenties buy dogs as a substitute for male companionship. It makes you look lonely and needy. Post pictures with friends instead.
6. Don't post only modeling pictures, or only "artsy" ones. Any girl can look hot in a photo. Show us that you can look hot normally too.
7. Don't have a list of "Don't message me ifs" This invariably sounds like bragging about how many messages you get, and no one likes this kind of self-aggrandizement. It makes you look vain and high-maintenance. If you are hot, we already know you get hit on a lot and don't need your reminder; if you aren't, we know you are lying and it makes you look pathetic. So either way, don't do it.
8. Don't post pictures of yourself looking sad. There is nothing attractive about them. Nothing. You should be smiling in as many photos as possible. If you have a tendency towards depression or melancholy, he doesn't need to know about it yet.
9. Don't post pictures that are too small or show you at a distance. You might as well post nothing.
10. Don't be too brief in your personal descriptions. Men need something to message you about. If you only write that your favorite things in the world are your mom, your dog and your iphone, he is going to be more or less forced to send you the shitty stereotypical "hey you're cute" message. And it's your own fault.
11. Don't post your favorite pictures of yourself. They are almost definitely not the most attractive pictures of you. Have a straight male friend help you choose them. At the very least, get input from straight men about which picture to set as your profile picture, since this is by far the most important one for attracting new guys.
12. Don't be afraid to show some skin (assuming, of course, that you have the body for it - but be liberal in making that decision). Men don't like whores but they don't like prudes either. Tasteful bathing suit shots are smart, not slutty, and will continue to be until men stop liking sex.
13. Don't fill your profile with cliches. The top-notch guys out there are looking for women who stand out. Beauty will never make you stand out because it is too common and too temporary. Online profiles are plagued with the same lists of likes and dislikes, the same list of favorite books, movies and activities. Every girl likes going out on some Friday nights and spending others at home with a movie and a glass of wine. Every girl loves her dog and her mom and her friends. Every girl wants an intelligent and attractive, confident man. Stop saying these things. Men assume they are all the case anyway. Say something interesting. Everyone is interesting in some way or another, but very few people have the ability to communicate it. Spend some time thinking about this before you start typing.
In general, this post on OKCupid's blog will be hugely helpful in learning what pictures to post: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-4-big-myths-of-profile-pictures/
1. Don't post pictures of yourself with hotter girls. This will only serve as a reminder to the guy checking you out that there is something better out there that he can't get. The crop function in your photo editor exists for a number of good reasons, and this is one of them. Yes, the rule applies to sisters and mothers too.
2. Don't only post pictures of yourself alone. This make you look like a loner, i.e. someone who other people have collectively decided is not worth hanging out with. Also avoid photos of yourself taken by yourself. These are even worse.
3. Don't start your profile with a list of things you don't want in guy. In fact, don't include that list anywhere. This is a universal sign of a bitch. If you even have the inclination to make such a list, consider revamping your personality. I have seen smoking hot girls that I would have loved to message until I read their "about me" section, at which point I realized they were high-maintenance, obnoxious and a waste of time.
4. Don't start describing yourself by saying how much you hate doing so, or how bad you are at it. So many girls do this. It sounds insecure and sets a bad tone. And don't be apologetic about your inability on top of pointing it out; this only adds to the effect.
5. Don't advertise how much you love your dog. Men all know (either consciously or subconsciously) that women in their twenties buy dogs as a substitute for male companionship. It makes you look lonely and needy. Post pictures with friends instead.
6. Don't post only modeling pictures, or only "artsy" ones. Any girl can look hot in a photo. Show us that you can look hot normally too.
7. Don't have a list of "Don't message me ifs" This invariably sounds like bragging about how many messages you get, and no one likes this kind of self-aggrandizement. It makes you look vain and high-maintenance. If you are hot, we already know you get hit on a lot and don't need your reminder; if you aren't, we know you are lying and it makes you look pathetic. So either way, don't do it.
8. Don't post pictures of yourself looking sad. There is nothing attractive about them. Nothing. You should be smiling in as many photos as possible. If you have a tendency towards depression or melancholy, he doesn't need to know about it yet.
9. Don't post pictures that are too small or show you at a distance. You might as well post nothing.
10. Don't be too brief in your personal descriptions. Men need something to message you about. If you only write that your favorite things in the world are your mom, your dog and your iphone, he is going to be more or less forced to send you the shitty stereotypical "hey you're cute" message. And it's your own fault.
11. Don't post your favorite pictures of yourself. They are almost definitely not the most attractive pictures of you. Have a straight male friend help you choose them. At the very least, get input from straight men about which picture to set as your profile picture, since this is by far the most important one for attracting new guys.
12. Don't be afraid to show some skin (assuming, of course, that you have the body for it - but be liberal in making that decision). Men don't like whores but they don't like prudes either. Tasteful bathing suit shots are smart, not slutty, and will continue to be until men stop liking sex.
13. Don't fill your profile with cliches. The top-notch guys out there are looking for women who stand out. Beauty will never make you stand out because it is too common and too temporary. Online profiles are plagued with the same lists of likes and dislikes, the same list of favorite books, movies and activities. Every girl likes going out on some Friday nights and spending others at home with a movie and a glass of wine. Every girl loves her dog and her mom and her friends. Every girl wants an intelligent and attractive, confident man. Stop saying these things. Men assume they are all the case anyway. Say something interesting. Everyone is interesting in some way or another, but very few people have the ability to communicate it. Spend some time thinking about this before you start typing.
In general, this post on OKCupid's blog will be hugely helpful in learning what pictures to post: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-4-big-myths-of-profile-pictures/
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
"Bros Before Hos"
Men place a high value their male friendships. While the following scenarios may not be representative of every man's attitude towards his male friends, they are certainly representative of a large portion of them, and they may very well explain why the guy you have a crush on isn't making a move.
1. "Bros Before Hos"
Situation: Guy A likes you. He is a decent guy, and when asks you out, you decide to give him a chance. You go on a couple dates, but eventually you realize he isn't quite your type and you relegate him to the friends zone. You can tell he is disappointed but there is never an explicit "break up" since there was never a real relationship, just a couple dates. Before long you are hanging out as friends, in larger groups, and eventually meet his friend, Guy B. Guy B is attractive, and even flirts with you, but never makes a move. Maybe he is a little more overt with his affection when he is drunk, or flirts more with you when Guy A isn't around, but the status quo always returns and you get discouraged and confused.
Explanation: Guy B likes you - maybe even a lot - but he isn't making any advances because it would be humiliating to Guy A if his friend ended up with the girl that he wanted but couldn't have. While he wants to be with you, he places more value on a long-term friendship with Guy B than he does on a potential girlfriend - however much he thinks he likes you at first glance. In a guy's world, the two relationships are mutually exclusive.
2. Most Guys Won't Cross Swords
Situation: You got drunk at a party/bar and slept with Guy A. The next week you are out with a similar group of friends, but Guy A doesn't come out because he is away for the week. Guy B, however, does show up. He was also there last week and is actually much hotter than Guy A, but had a girl with him last time and wasn't paying attention to you. This week he flirts with you a lot but doesn't ask for your number or respond to your strong sexual advances. You go home alone, feeling insulted.
Explanation: Guy B wants to bang you, but he was there last week when Guy A told his buddies about having sex with you. Not only is Guy B kinda creeped out by the thought of his junk touching the same vagina as his friend's, but you slept with his buddy first, so he feels like he is second best if he hooks up with you now, after his friend.
(NB - For some reason, enlisted military guys do not care about this. They will actually fuck you at the same time - maybe even touch dicks in the process - without a second thought.)
3. He Pointed You Out First
Situation: You are in a bar having a beer with your girlfriend when Guy A and Guy B approach the two of you. They are both cool, but Guy A is hitting on your friend while Guy B is talking to you. This is a problem because not only do you think Guy A is hotter, but you know that your friend actually prefers Guy B, so in your minds, things are completely mixed up. Although you try a couple times to change the conversation so that you can chat with Guy A, the guys eventually bring it back. You end up giving your number to Guy B when he asks, and Guy A takes your friend's number. It's great that you met them, but you wish the pairing had been the other way around.
Explanation: Guy A and Guy B saw you and your friend from across the bar. Guy B pointed you out to Guy A, and suggested that they go together to say what's up to you. Guy A had actually seen you two at just about the same time as Guy B, and was more attracted to you than he was to your friend. In fact, he probably would have hit on you himself if he'd seen you a minute earlier; but because Guy B already had his hopes up about meeting you, Guy A encouraged Guy B, and played wingman with your friend (he asked for her number in front of you so that you would be more receptive about giving yours to his friend). Since the guys' initial conversation established who was going after whom, they both actively fought to maintain the conversation pairing when you attempted to change it. While Guy A sacrificed an opportunity to get a date with a cute girl (you), it was more important to him that he support his friend, who pointed you out first.
1. "Bros Before Hos"
Situation: Guy A likes you. He is a decent guy, and when asks you out, you decide to give him a chance. You go on a couple dates, but eventually you realize he isn't quite your type and you relegate him to the friends zone. You can tell he is disappointed but there is never an explicit "break up" since there was never a real relationship, just a couple dates. Before long you are hanging out as friends, in larger groups, and eventually meet his friend, Guy B. Guy B is attractive, and even flirts with you, but never makes a move. Maybe he is a little more overt with his affection when he is drunk, or flirts more with you when Guy A isn't around, but the status quo always returns and you get discouraged and confused.
Explanation: Guy B likes you - maybe even a lot - but he isn't making any advances because it would be humiliating to Guy A if his friend ended up with the girl that he wanted but couldn't have. While he wants to be with you, he places more value on a long-term friendship with Guy B than he does on a potential girlfriend - however much he thinks he likes you at first glance. In a guy's world, the two relationships are mutually exclusive.
2. Most Guys Won't Cross Swords
Situation: You got drunk at a party/bar and slept with Guy A. The next week you are out with a similar group of friends, but Guy A doesn't come out because he is away for the week. Guy B, however, does show up. He was also there last week and is actually much hotter than Guy A, but had a girl with him last time and wasn't paying attention to you. This week he flirts with you a lot but doesn't ask for your number or respond to your strong sexual advances. You go home alone, feeling insulted.
Explanation: Guy B wants to bang you, but he was there last week when Guy A told his buddies about having sex with you. Not only is Guy B kinda creeped out by the thought of his junk touching the same vagina as his friend's, but you slept with his buddy first, so he feels like he is second best if he hooks up with you now, after his friend.
(NB - For some reason, enlisted military guys do not care about this. They will actually fuck you at the same time - maybe even touch dicks in the process - without a second thought.)
3. He Pointed You Out First
Situation: You are in a bar having a beer with your girlfriend when Guy A and Guy B approach the two of you. They are both cool, but Guy A is hitting on your friend while Guy B is talking to you. This is a problem because not only do you think Guy A is hotter, but you know that your friend actually prefers Guy B, so in your minds, things are completely mixed up. Although you try a couple times to change the conversation so that you can chat with Guy A, the guys eventually bring it back. You end up giving your number to Guy B when he asks, and Guy A takes your friend's number. It's great that you met them, but you wish the pairing had been the other way around.
Explanation: Guy A and Guy B saw you and your friend from across the bar. Guy B pointed you out to Guy A, and suggested that they go together to say what's up to you. Guy A had actually seen you two at just about the same time as Guy B, and was more attracted to you than he was to your friend. In fact, he probably would have hit on you himself if he'd seen you a minute earlier; but because Guy B already had his hopes up about meeting you, Guy A encouraged Guy B, and played wingman with your friend (he asked for her number in front of you so that you would be more receptive about giving yours to his friend). Since the guys' initial conversation established who was going after whom, they both actively fought to maintain the conversation pairing when you attempted to change it. While Guy A sacrificed an opportunity to get a date with a cute girl (you), it was more important to him that he support his friend, who pointed you out first.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
I Can't Believe I Forgot This One...
So I was out tonight and not too long after I arrived at the bar, I stepped away from my friend to approach three girls standing nearby - or more accurately, I approached one cute girl who was with two unattractive friends. The friends were probably in the three to four range and the one I was interested in was somewhere near an eight. I didn't take this disparity into account when I approached, and paid too much attention to the one who was attractive, causing the other two to get jealous and cock block me, as described in number two in the previous post. Clearly I was just another guy hitting on their hot friend, like every other time they go out together. They didn't like this so they cut me out of the conversation by turning their friend away from me and talking to her over what I was trying to say, ignoring me. This pissed me off to no end, since it was clearly against the cute girl's will, but I can tell when it's a case of "friends first," so I sucked up my pride and went back to my friend.
Anyway, the incident made me realize that I'd forgotten one of the most important things girls need to do to make themselves approachable, which is:
12. Don't hang out with girls that are significantly hotter than you
Obviously every guy has different taste, so you can be liberal in deciding whether or not they are "hotter than you," but there are some obvious combinations to avoid - like hanging out with an eight when you are a three or four. The rule can also be extended to choosing a place to go out: don't go to places where everyone is hot if you are decidedly not in that league. It would be like a short dude hanging out in a bar full of guys over 6'4". But if you are standing next to a friend that is more than three points hotter than you, don't expect to get hit on by anyone other than a wing man.
Anyway, the incident made me realize that I'd forgotten one of the most important things girls need to do to make themselves approachable, which is:
12. Don't hang out with girls that are significantly hotter than you
Obviously every guy has different taste, so you can be liberal in deciding whether or not they are "hotter than you," but there are some obvious combinations to avoid - like hanging out with an eight when you are a three or four. The rule can also be extended to choosing a place to go out: don't go to places where everyone is hot if you are decidedly not in that league. It would be like a short dude hanging out in a bar full of guys over 6'4". But if you are standing next to a friend that is more than three points hotter than you, don't expect to get hit on by anyone other than a wing man.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
How to Make Yourself Approachable
As I have indicated in other posts, there are three aspects or stages of female game:
Most of these pointers are negative in nature, in other words, things you should not do. This is not a coincidence or due to the omission of the positive suggestions. It is because the nature of a woman's game (when it comes to approaching) is inherently more passive. A woman makes herself approachable by removing as many deterrents as possible.
While the best of these tips are designed to remove obstacles that make it near-impossible for a guy to approach, there are others that essentially "make it easy" for a guy. While including these goes against the spirit of other advice I've posted here, I acknowledge that the need for filtering out men with purely sexual intentions - while important to some girls - applies in proportion to the amount of attention from men a woman is getting. If you don't have that problem, the "make it easy" tips might help as much as the "make it possible" tips - but use the former wisely.
1. Don't Go Out With Men
Women surrounded by men never get approached, and in the rare event that they do, the men will usually make it difficult or impossible for the approaching male. Having men around you, regardless of their relationship with you or even their sexuality, is the single biggest game killer.
2. Don't Hang Out In A Large Group of Girls
Split up into smaller groups, ideally groups of two or three. This gives men an opportunity to meet you without having the burden of entertaining the whole group, or at least saves them the difficulty of extracting you from it. Your jealous girlfriends are experts at making this hard for him. If you are with girls that are prone to doing this, tell them ahead of time not to pull you away if you are approached.
3. Have Open Body Language
If you and your girlfriends want to meet guys, don't huddle or sit down, or turn your backs on the action. Stand side by side, or at an obtuse angle to one another. This demonstrates that you are open to conversation. If you have a drink, hold it down, away from your chest. A drink clutched up against your body comes across defensive and unwelcoming. Try it out with your friend when you are standing next to her; as you pull your drinks down and away you will feel much more open and relaxed. Men actually do notice this, though it is subconscious. It might take some getting used to but it will pay off.
4. Don't Worry About Smiling At Him
I swear all girls must have be told at some point "if a guy you like looks at you, make sure you smile." I cannot count the number of times I have made eye contact with a girl and had her respond with what is clearly a forced and awkward smile. So here's the advice: if it doesn't come naturally, don't do it. A forced smile does nothing to improve your attractiveness, and only tells the guy that you are nervous or awkward. While a smile might encourage a guy that needs some reassurance, I guarantee that it will not make or break his decision if it isn't natural. Forced smiles are very easy to recognize, even for men. Prolonged eye contact alone should suffice (see below).
5. Make Eye Contact
This is the single most effective way of inviting a man to hit on you. Make eye contact and hold it. While this is actually a form of initiating the interaction, which I wouldn't normally suggest, it still leaves the ball mostly in his court. Give up and move on if he doesn't approach after ten seconds of collective eye contact (this could be 2 seconds in 5 different instances, for example). If he hasn't approached after that much of an invitation, he either isn't actually interested or doesn't have the balls - probably the latter if the eye contact was really ten seconds. Avoid "eye-fucking" guys, since this is too forward and definitely falls into the category of initiating.
6. Get Close
If a guy wants to hit on you, getting close enough to make it happen is usually just a matter of taking a few strides in your direction. However, in some circumstances it can be a little more difficult for him, and then it makes sense for you to get closer. For example, if he is with a group of friends it might be hard for him to get everyone to move to your area. Even if he doesn't have such hurdles, it never hurts to move closer; just avoid making it too obvious by hovering awkwardly or staying too long (I suggest staying only a few minutes, though this depends somewhat on the circumstances).
7. Don't Stay on The Dance Floor All Night
This one is pretty self-explanatory. You might feel more comfortable or have more fun dancing rather than standing around waiting for guys to talk to you, but when you are on the dance floor you are basically off limits - except to drunken, groping men. If you are a good dancer, it definitely doesn't hurt to be seen dancing. It also shows that you are fun and feminine. But while it might get you noticed or earn you some points with potential suitors, it will ultimately prevent them from approaching if you stay out there too long.
8. Have A Drink
While no one likes a sloppy drunk girl, having one or two drinks will calm your nerves, help you flirt, open your body language, and generally make you more approachable. It also demonstrates that you are easy-going and like to have fun. Just avoid getting drunk, which is unattractive.
9. Avoid Loud Places
Don't hang out in front of the speakers or at bars/clubs where you know they will have extremely loud music. I almost never approach girls in areas that would require me to shout or lean in to talk in her ear. Outdoor places are usually good in this respect.
10. Choose Your Location Wisely
Stand somewhere where men are coming and going to, other than the bathroom. Usually the best place for this is the bar, but sometimes it can be too crowded, in which case I would suggest standing towards the back of the crowd. Don't stand in a corner or away from the action, as you might not be seen. Balconies are always good because they give a man the chance to walk up beside you and comment on whatever you are overlooking. Make sure there is at least one open direction (in front of or beside you) from which he can approach.
11. Don't Leave Too Early
I've seen girls that I wanted to talk to leave the bar or club before I had the opportunity to meet them. Also, a lot of men need a couple drinks before they feel comfortable approaching girls. Assuming you don't mind being approached by a guy that needs a little help from the bottle, you need to be around when they reach that point.
12. One of the most important points, which I added later. Read it here.
If you get disheartened because men are not approaching you, or if you have an initial interaction with a guy you like and then he leaves or doesn't take your number - tough luck. This is part of female game, just like approaching, being rejected and humiliated is part of a man's. When a guy gets rejected, he doesn't blame the girl; he blames himself. When I get turned down, I know that if I had been more confident or smarter, or otherwise a man of higher value, she would have been attracted to me. I make it my goal to always improve, so that next time I will walk away with her number. The same should go for you: when a guy walks away without your contact information, suck it up, figure out other ways to make yourself more attractive or personable (the other posts in this blog should help), then get back out there.
- Making yourself as attractive as possible
- Making yourself approachable
- Filtering out the men that just want to have sex with you from the men that want to date you
Most of these pointers are negative in nature, in other words, things you should not do. This is not a coincidence or due to the omission of the positive suggestions. It is because the nature of a woman's game (when it comes to approaching) is inherently more passive. A woman makes herself approachable by removing as many deterrents as possible.
While the best of these tips are designed to remove obstacles that make it near-impossible for a guy to approach, there are others that essentially "make it easy" for a guy. While including these goes against the spirit of other advice I've posted here, I acknowledge that the need for filtering out men with purely sexual intentions - while important to some girls - applies in proportion to the amount of attention from men a woman is getting. If you don't have that problem, the "make it easy" tips might help as much as the "make it possible" tips - but use the former wisely.
1. Don't Go Out With Men
Women surrounded by men never get approached, and in the rare event that they do, the men will usually make it difficult or impossible for the approaching male. Having men around you, regardless of their relationship with you or even their sexuality, is the single biggest game killer.
2. Don't Hang Out In A Large Group of Girls
Split up into smaller groups, ideally groups of two or three. This gives men an opportunity to meet you without having the burden of entertaining the whole group, or at least saves them the difficulty of extracting you from it. Your jealous girlfriends are experts at making this hard for him. If you are with girls that are prone to doing this, tell them ahead of time not to pull you away if you are approached.
3. Have Open Body Language
If you and your girlfriends want to meet guys, don't huddle or sit down, or turn your backs on the action. Stand side by side, or at an obtuse angle to one another. This demonstrates that you are open to conversation. If you have a drink, hold it down, away from your chest. A drink clutched up against your body comes across defensive and unwelcoming. Try it out with your friend when you are standing next to her; as you pull your drinks down and away you will feel much more open and relaxed. Men actually do notice this, though it is subconscious. It might take some getting used to but it will pay off.
4. Don't Worry About Smiling At Him
I swear all girls must have be told at some point "if a guy you like looks at you, make sure you smile." I cannot count the number of times I have made eye contact with a girl and had her respond with what is clearly a forced and awkward smile. So here's the advice: if it doesn't come naturally, don't do it. A forced smile does nothing to improve your attractiveness, and only tells the guy that you are nervous or awkward. While a smile might encourage a guy that needs some reassurance, I guarantee that it will not make or break his decision if it isn't natural. Forced smiles are very easy to recognize, even for men. Prolonged eye contact alone should suffice (see below).
5. Make Eye Contact
This is the single most effective way of inviting a man to hit on you. Make eye contact and hold it. While this is actually a form of initiating the interaction, which I wouldn't normally suggest, it still leaves the ball mostly in his court. Give up and move on if he doesn't approach after ten seconds of collective eye contact (this could be 2 seconds in 5 different instances, for example). If he hasn't approached after that much of an invitation, he either isn't actually interested or doesn't have the balls - probably the latter if the eye contact was really ten seconds. Avoid "eye-fucking" guys, since this is too forward and definitely falls into the category of initiating.
6. Get Close
If a guy wants to hit on you, getting close enough to make it happen is usually just a matter of taking a few strides in your direction. However, in some circumstances it can be a little more difficult for him, and then it makes sense for you to get closer. For example, if he is with a group of friends it might be hard for him to get everyone to move to your area. Even if he doesn't have such hurdles, it never hurts to move closer; just avoid making it too obvious by hovering awkwardly or staying too long (I suggest staying only a few minutes, though this depends somewhat on the circumstances).
7. Don't Stay on The Dance Floor All Night
This one is pretty self-explanatory. You might feel more comfortable or have more fun dancing rather than standing around waiting for guys to talk to you, but when you are on the dance floor you are basically off limits - except to drunken, groping men. If you are a good dancer, it definitely doesn't hurt to be seen dancing. It also shows that you are fun and feminine. But while it might get you noticed or earn you some points with potential suitors, it will ultimately prevent them from approaching if you stay out there too long.
8. Have A Drink
While no one likes a sloppy drunk girl, having one or two drinks will calm your nerves, help you flirt, open your body language, and generally make you more approachable. It also demonstrates that you are easy-going and like to have fun. Just avoid getting drunk, which is unattractive.
9. Avoid Loud Places
Don't hang out in front of the speakers or at bars/clubs where you know they will have extremely loud music. I almost never approach girls in areas that would require me to shout or lean in to talk in her ear. Outdoor places are usually good in this respect.
10. Choose Your Location Wisely
Stand somewhere where men are coming and going to, other than the bathroom. Usually the best place for this is the bar, but sometimes it can be too crowded, in which case I would suggest standing towards the back of the crowd. Don't stand in a corner or away from the action, as you might not be seen. Balconies are always good because they give a man the chance to walk up beside you and comment on whatever you are overlooking. Make sure there is at least one open direction (in front of or beside you) from which he can approach.
11. Don't Leave Too Early
I've seen girls that I wanted to talk to leave the bar or club before I had the opportunity to meet them. Also, a lot of men need a couple drinks before they feel comfortable approaching girls. Assuming you don't mind being approached by a guy that needs a little help from the bottle, you need to be around when they reach that point.
12. One of the most important points, which I added later. Read it here.
If you get disheartened because men are not approaching you, or if you have an initial interaction with a guy you like and then he leaves or doesn't take your number - tough luck. This is part of female game, just like approaching, being rejected and humiliated is part of a man's. When a guy gets rejected, he doesn't blame the girl; he blames himself. When I get turned down, I know that if I had been more confident or smarter, or otherwise a man of higher value, she would have been attracted to me. I make it my goal to always improve, so that next time I will walk away with her number. The same should go for you: when a guy walks away without your contact information, suck it up, figure out other ways to make yourself more attractive or personable (the other posts in this blog should help), then get back out there.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Don't Initiate Contact
I wrote a similar post about not initiating contact after a guy breaks up with you. This is somewhat related, but deals instead with the beginning of a relationship. The underlying principles, however, are the same...
Women are forever trying to figure out a man's intentions by reading between the lines of texts, interpreting things he said, or things he didn't. This is usually too difficult to warrant the effort it takes, but it is entirely the wrong approach for another reason: there are all kinds of men that are willing and able to lie their way into a woman's pants - yes, even yours. If you find yourself having difficulty determining a man's level of interest because "first he said X, but then he said Y," or even if you know exactly what he is saying and are sure he is interested, stop yourself. What a man says is the worst possible indicator of his interest: you need to pay attention to what he does.
This is why it is so important for a woman to allow a man to initiate contact after an initial meeting, and even well into the relationship. I've heard a number of girls actually complain about this, apparently preferring a situation in which they wouldn't be stigmatized for chasing men, or even for taking the initiative in "small things" like the first phone call or date. (These complaints always come from women who don't get enough attention from men. If you fall into this category, I suggest you read the other posts.)
If men didn't try to sleep with lots of women with no strings attached, or if women didn't want stable relationships, then it is conceivable that women could approach men. But given the undeniable preferences of the two sexes, the situation couldn't be other than what it is. Women, who, on the whole, are more interested in stable relationships, necessarily assume a defensive position against men, who (again, on the whole) are more interested in casual sex than women.
A woman's "game" can be broken down into the following three parts:
As most girls probably know, it can be difficult to determine which men fall into which category. And as I mentioned at the beginning of this post, if you are only paying attention to what a man says, it can be impossible. A girl interested in saving her time and emotional energy needs to be as adept as possible at discerning these these types of men. And this is why it is so important for a woman not to initiate contact with a man. When you initiate contact with a man before you know his intentions, you are denying yourself the least equivocal and therefore most important indication of his interest. I will go as far as to say that you are denying yourself the only reliable indication of his interest.
A man might make eye contact with you from across the bar, but unless he overcomes his fear or leaves his buddies in order to approach you, he isn't into you enough. Don't approach him. A man might say he wants to see you, but unless he calls to set up a date, he doesn't care enough. Don't call or text him. A man might tell you to come and visit him, but if he cares enough, he will come to you if you suggest it.
I could give all kinds of examples, but you get the point. By making it easy for a man, you risk wasting your time and energy on someone who is only interested in having sex with you, or maybe worse, someone who will actually agree to a relationship or even marriage, only to change his mind months or years later when he realizes he wants someone he considers better. Taking the initiative is not a right that men have over women; it is (or should be) a hurdle that women place in front of men to make them prove their interest.
Disclaimer: A man will jump over a lot of hurdles to sleep with a woman that is hotter than himself, or at least, hotter than the other girls he's slept with. The more attractive you are relative to him, the more cautious you need to be. This is complicated by the fact that it is perfectly possible for a man that is less attractive than a girl to be sexually attracted to her and interested in her as a person (i.e. not overwhelmed by her beauty so much that he doesn't consider her personality). There is a danger of losing a guy like this by putting up too many hurdles and discouraging him. My suggestion: don't play below your league.
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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup, which explains everything you need to know about dealing with you ex: what he's thinking, what is motivating him to stay friends with you, how to maximize your chances of getting him back - and if that doesn't happen, how to focus on your future.
Related Posts
1. Cut Him Off
2. Don't Try to Be One of The Guys
3. You Are Responsible for Your Own Romantic Happiness
Women are forever trying to figure out a man's intentions by reading between the lines of texts, interpreting things he said, or things he didn't. This is usually too difficult to warrant the effort it takes, but it is entirely the wrong approach for another reason: there are all kinds of men that are willing and able to lie their way into a woman's pants - yes, even yours. If you find yourself having difficulty determining a man's level of interest because "first he said X, but then he said Y," or even if you know exactly what he is saying and are sure he is interested, stop yourself. What a man says is the worst possible indicator of his interest: you need to pay attention to what he does.
This is why it is so important for a woman to allow a man to initiate contact after an initial meeting, and even well into the relationship. I've heard a number of girls actually complain about this, apparently preferring a situation in which they wouldn't be stigmatized for chasing men, or even for taking the initiative in "small things" like the first phone call or date. (These complaints always come from women who don't get enough attention from men. If you fall into this category, I suggest you read the other posts.)
If men didn't try to sleep with lots of women with no strings attached, or if women didn't want stable relationships, then it is conceivable that women could approach men. But given the undeniable preferences of the two sexes, the situation couldn't be other than what it is. Women, who, on the whole, are more interested in stable relationships, necessarily assume a defensive position against men, who (again, on the whole) are more interested in casual sex than women.
A woman's "game" can be broken down into the following three parts:
- Making herself as attractive as possible
- Making herself approachable
- Filtering out the men that just want to have sex with her from the men that want to date her
As most girls probably know, it can be difficult to determine which men fall into which category. And as I mentioned at the beginning of this post, if you are only paying attention to what a man says, it can be impossible. A girl interested in saving her time and emotional energy needs to be as adept as possible at discerning these these types of men. And this is why it is so important for a woman not to initiate contact with a man. When you initiate contact with a man before you know his intentions, you are denying yourself the least equivocal and therefore most important indication of his interest. I will go as far as to say that you are denying yourself the only reliable indication of his interest.
A man might make eye contact with you from across the bar, but unless he overcomes his fear or leaves his buddies in order to approach you, he isn't into you enough. Don't approach him. A man might say he wants to see you, but unless he calls to set up a date, he doesn't care enough. Don't call or text him. A man might tell you to come and visit him, but if he cares enough, he will come to you if you suggest it.
I could give all kinds of examples, but you get the point. By making it easy for a man, you risk wasting your time and energy on someone who is only interested in having sex with you, or maybe worse, someone who will actually agree to a relationship or even marriage, only to change his mind months or years later when he realizes he wants someone he considers better. Taking the initiative is not a right that men have over women; it is (or should be) a hurdle that women place in front of men to make them prove their interest.
Disclaimer: A man will jump over a lot of hurdles to sleep with a woman that is hotter than himself, or at least, hotter than the other girls he's slept with. The more attractive you are relative to him, the more cautious you need to be. This is complicated by the fact that it is perfectly possible for a man that is less attractive than a girl to be sexually attracted to her and interested in her as a person (i.e. not overwhelmed by her beauty so much that he doesn't consider her personality). There is a danger of losing a guy like this by putting up too many hurdles and discouraging him. My suggestion: don't play below your league.
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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup, which explains everything you need to know about dealing with you ex: what he's thinking, what is motivating him to stay friends with you, how to maximize your chances of getting him back - and if that doesn't happen, how to focus on your future.
Related Posts
1. Cut Him Off
2. Don't Try to Be One of The Guys
3. You Are Responsible for Your Own Romantic Happiness
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Why You Don't Get Approached by Men
I've approached hundreds of women in bars and nightclubs. Maybe thousands. I've done it in all kinds of moods and at different stages of my life; I've done it during the day, at night, drunk, buzzed, sober, when I was bored, excited, tired, horny, single, dating, in relationships, etc.
On top of my own efforts, I've watched countless male friends, acquaintances and random dudes approach women. I've talked to them about their nerves beforehand, their mood afterwards, what they wanted to get out of the interaction and what they expected to happen. I know their reasons for approaching women, and I know my own.
Finally, I've watched plenty of men (myself included at times) give in to their nerves or the circumstance, and not approach at all. Some of these guys have done it a million times before, some are doing it for the first time, and others never have before and still can't. I've heard their excuses, and I know my own. Sometimes they are legitimate.
On top of my own efforts, I've watched countless male friends, acquaintances and random dudes approach women. I've talked to them about their nerves beforehand, their mood afterwards, what they wanted to get out of the interaction and what they expected to happen. I know their reasons for approaching women, and I know my own.
Finally, I've watched plenty of men (myself included at times) give in to their nerves or the circumstance, and not approach at all. Some of these guys have done it a million times before, some are doing it for the first time, and others never have before and still can't. I've heard their excuses, and I know my own. Sometimes they are legitimate.
The following is a list of reasons why men do not approach women in bars. Note that it is not ordered by the frequency or the strength of the deterrent, but by the controllability. The color coding made the list look a lot cooler than assigning a numeric value - my apologies to the mathematicians. (I acknowledge that the controllability could be quantified and then factored into the overall rating, but appearance is too often underrated and/or neglected, so it's staying the way it is.)
* This list assumes that you are in the same venue for long enough that temporary distractions or time constraints are not deterrents.
Obviously some of these rankings are variable, but I have tried to put a reasonable estimate in where that is the case. For example, which friends you are out with will definitely influence how rude it would be to leave them (I had in mind good friends you don't get to see very often), or some guys will care more about getting a girl that fits their "type" than others.
Notice how controllable some of the worst cock-blockers are. It makes good sense for women concerned with their approachability to spend most of their energy addressing (to the degree to which they are able):
- Those that have a high overall score
- Those that are highly controllable
I would like to think this list is complete, but I am more concerned with making it that way, so your comments are welcome. I am trying to focus only on the top-level stuff, so things like a girl's weight or her overt sluttiness would not cut it, because both are reasons why "He doesn't find you attractive," not reasons he doesn't approach.
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