Older Women Can Still Be Sexy

I recently spent a couple weeks in Europe. While there, I noticed something that genuinely surprised me: older European women are sexy. I found myself attracted to women over the age of 35 or even 45 much more frequently than I do in the U.S., where I almost never notice women over the age of 35. In Europe, it was a regular occurrence.

It didn't take me long to realize why. The difference is obvious. My attraction to these women could be almost completely attributed to the following factors:

• The leave their hair long
• They continue wearing form-fitting dresses, often short ones
• They continue wearing heels
• They stay in shape

This was kind of a revelation to me. I'd thought that wrinkles, loose skin, and thinning hair (the most obvious signs of aging) were the main factors reducing a woman's attractiveness. But this simply isn't true. Feeling my neck instinctively turn and my eyes involuntarily drawn to the hips of these European women as they walked by put an end to that idea. Perfect skin and perfect hair simply don't matter that much. My hormones were saying "YES" over and over again to women without either one.

This was a powerful realization for a couple reasons. The first was the simple satisfaction of realizing that it reinforces a couple points I've been making all along: that feminine beauty is highly controllable and that no women needs to be ugly.

But more importantly, it was powerful because it gave me hope. Yeah that sounds like exaggeration and maybe even a little gay, but it's true. I'd always had this background fear that after getting married and enjoying several years of physical attraction and great sex with my wife, she'd inevitably lose her physical beauty, I'd lose my physical attraction, and sexual fidelity would become a burden. A perpetually satisfying sexual relationship with an aging woman seemed impossible. And given that I never want to cheat on my future wife, that was a pretty disheartening belief. It essentially meant that I had to choose between having a family or a sex life.

I believed this was inevitable because I saw it happening all around me in the United States: the vast majority of women here become unattractive after 35. Physical attraction is by no means everything, but it's pretty damn important. So realizing that I could be legitimately attracted by women over 35 was a huge breath of fresh air. Sure, I'd always known it was possible for women to remain attractive as they age, but in the United States this is a rare exception, and seemingly impossible to predict. In Europe, however, it is the norm. And the fact that almost a whole continent of women can do it proves that it's totally achievable.

But here is the thing: European women don't just happen to wear heels and keep their hair long; it isn't a stroke of genetic luck or some fluke of cultural development. The decision to do those things is rooted in their mindset, in their beliefs. They do these things because as they age, European women continue to think of themselves as sexual beings. The wear dresses and stay in shape because they have zero doubt that they can still be very attractive to the opposite sex - and they are absolutely right.

In the United States, women either don't believe this, or they aren't motivated by American men to do this.* Probably it is some combination of these two factors, but I am skeptical about the importance of the latter, mainly because most European men are pussies, and they still manage to motivate their women to look sexy. Anyway, for the sake of not turning this post into a critique of cultures, I am limiting the discussion to the point about belief - or more specifically, American women's disbelief.

So let's get right to the point: that disbelief is unfounded, because you can totally look sexy to men well into your 50s. The exact same things that make you attractive to men in your 20s continue making you attractive well into your later years; there is no reason to abandon them.

Get rid of this idea that some clothes are "age-inappropriate," or that you have to somehow limit your wardrobe as you get older. The only clothes that are age-inappropriate are those that make women who aren't ready for sex look sexual. If anything, increased age should expand your wardrobe, since you'll be more confident, have stronger boundaries, and therefore be able to pull off sexier looks.

Nope, you don't need more makeup, and you don't need a boob job. Yes, believe it or not, your body is still sexy in spite of the wrinkles and grey hairs. Shit, I don't care if your hair is completely grey. If you are in good shape and you dress in a feminine, sexual manner, you are going to give men erections for a long, long time. The male need for Viagra says just as much about women's unwillingness to think of themselves as sexually desirable beings as it says about the impotence of their men.

Yeah it might be tough to see yourself getting older, especially in light of knowing how much men care about looks. I get that. But it is flat-out wrong and incredibly short-sighted to think that just because you are on a downward slope, the game is over.

Remember this as you age. And for those of you already well past your prime, recognize that it is never too late to reverse your thinking. You can still be sexy; you just need to make an effort and shed these puritanical American ideas. True, you'll be fighting your culture in doing so, and you'll have to learn to come to terms with looks of disapproval from the women who decided that it was acceptable to wear sneakers to the grocery store. But if your personal style is rooted in a firm belief about the kind of woman you want to be, you'll see those criticisms for what they are: comments from women motivated primarily by jealousy and the will to believe they don't have to work.

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* Some people might argue that American women stop trying to be sexy because the ones who get married and have children foster a culture that prioritizes raising children over being sexually attractive. This might be true, but it misses the point. The error lies not in American women's efforts to be good mothers, but in their belief that this somehow precludes being sexy. There is no reason why women can't do both, as evidenced by European women, who are also great mothers. In fact, this is a topic for another post, but I would argue that you actually can't be a great mother without continuing to think of yourself as a sexual being.

Related Posts
1. Female Game for Women in Their 30s
2. The Advantage of Dating After 30
3. Some Older Women Are Smart
4. What Men Think About Older Women

No, Your Intelligence Isn't the Problem

I get e-mails from girls all the time telling me that they are attractive, sweet, well-dressed, fun, etc. but can't seem to get the guys they want. They then point out that they are working on a PhD and conclude their question by asking whether or not their intelligence is intimidating men and therefore turning them off. I get similar questions about career success: "I am doing everything right but I am very highly paid - does that intimidate men?"

This is the equivalent of a guy pointing out that he is smart, tall, reasonably good-looking and successful in his job, but struggles to attract girls - then asking if it is because his muscles are too big. I mean, after all, maybe that's what is keeping the girls at bay, right?

If you are a rocket scientist, there is a chance that your academic prowess might be intimidating to an average guy, in the same way that a steroid-injected meat-head's muscles might be a a little much for the average girl. Yeah, sure, there is a risk that pouring too much of your energy into academics will turn guys off a bit, especially if it is done as a mask for your feelings of inadequacy with respect to other women. It's the same risk that a guy runs when he devotes the majority of his free time to getting jacked, especially when it is done as a mask for his feelings of inadequacy relative to other men. But the muscles themselves aren't the chief problem, and neither is your degree or your job.

It's way more likely the case that you are underestimating the importance of your weight, or that you cut your hair way too short, that your posture is horrible, that you talk like you want men to believe you're stupid, or that you don't realize how much your lack of boundaries is making men dismiss you. These are the kinds of things that actually turn men off, in the same way that low self-esteem and low intelligence are the kinds of things that actually turn women off (not coincidentally, these are common problems among meatheads).

The women who ask this question are always asking "why don't I get any attention from the men I want?" Their question is never "why do I get tons of sexual attention from men, but none stick around?" (some do ask this question, but they never then go on to blame it on their degree or job). If a woman were asking the latter question, I still wouldn't jump to the immediate conclusion that her degree or salary was the problem; I would look first to her personality. But if a girl isn't even getting sexual attention from the guys she is concerned about intimidating, I guarantee her hypothesis about her threatening intelligence is wrong. Why? Because there is a remote possibility that men will be intimidated or turned off by a woman's brains or job when they are considering her as a girlfriend or spouse, but there is no possibility that it will prevent at least some guys from trying to get in her pants. None whatsoever. Men go for the girls they are physically attracted to, then choose from those the ones they are personally attracted to. Only after that do they take into account things like brains and (much later) salary or professional success. You can't blame academic or financial intimidation on your inability to get a boyfriend or husband if you aren't at least getting sexual attention from the men you want; it'd be like blaming the power outage in your house on a government conspiracy or that neighbor you hate... during a raging thunder and lightening storm.

No, in all likelihood, your academic degree or high-paid position isn't the fundamental problem; but it is an very convenient scapegoat - and an ego-boosting one at that. It is a hell of a lot easier and more satisfying to blame big muscles or advanced degrees for your lack of success with the opposite sex than it is to find out (or admit) what's really wrong. And for women, what is really wrong almost always has something to do with your looks or personality, which, thankfully, are both very much controllable.


Related Posts
1. Men Don't Care About Your Accomplishments
2. The Importance of Personal Boundaries
3. Human Energy is Conserved
4. Are You Repressing Your Femininity?
5. What Men Think About Your Intelligence

Nice Guys Don't Exist

Everyone adapts their behavior to the people around them, and in response to the situation at hand. We are nice to people we like and mean or bitchy to people we don’t. We are friendly and cheerful when things go well and short-tempered or depressed when they don’t. Yeah, sure, there are some people who are generally more disposed to (for example) mean or more egocentric behavior than others, just as there are some people who are more disposed to (for example) kind or generous behavior than others; but even they are more mean or kind to some people, and less egocentric or generous to others. And of course there are some people whose behavior is less affected by circumstance than others, but not to the point that it isn't affected at all – and not even to the point that it isn't affected significantly. We like to think of personality as static and constant, intrinsic to each person. But the reality is that personality is merely a name we give to a set of behaviors coming from an individual; and those behaviors are very much mood-driven, situational and dynamic.

This misconception plays into our perception of the opposite sex significantly. Consider how frequently you change your behavior towards the men in your life…

If I approach a girl in a bar awkwardly, and then speak to her in a low voice because I am nervous, she isn't going to be attracted, and isn't going to respond well. The fact that she is short with me, or excuses herself immediately to go to the bathroom doesn't mean that she is a "bitch;" it just means that I didn't attract her enough. The next guy who approaches her might approach her confidently and genuinely, and have her wrapped around his finger the rest of the night.

If I have a dead-end job and lack ambition, my girlfriend isn't going to respond to me in the same way as the guy she dates next (i.e. after she dumps me), who is intentional in his career and gainfully employed in a position he truly enjoys. I might tell my friends that she was “cold” or “distant” but they'll know as well as I will that her next boyfriend probably has none of the same problems. Or maybe she is the one complaining that he is cold and distant.

The same kind of girls that ignored me when I was young and lacked confidence now treat me entirely differently, because I am older and far more sure of myself. At twenty years old, it was tempting to view those girls as stuck-up or bitchy; but the reality is that they were probably acting like angels towards some 30-year-old who was much more attractive due to his age, maturity and position in life.

I am not saying all of this to make a point about women, but to make a point about men – because men work exactly the same way. It is easy to believe that a certain guy is an asshole because he dumps you without an explanation, or that another is an authentically nice guy because he treats you well. But I am telling you: those men behave in entirely different ways with different girls.

The guy who you think is a player because he hits on three other girls before taking you home, then never calls you the next day – I guarantee that he is genuine and respectful and serious with other girls he dates. I know this because I've been that guy plenty of times. Some women I treat well and with respect, and others I don’t. If I see a girl I'm attracted to and whom I respect, I change my game completely. My male friends do the same.

The guy who is a dismissive asshole to you is a babbling, nervous idiot with the girl he is crazy about, and the guy who is such a gentleman to you absolutely crushes the hopes of girls that he doesn't find attractive, or doesn't respect. Likewise, the guy who never calls you back isn't “flaky,” he just doesn't care that much about you. I am sure there is a girl out there who has complained that he was needy and contacted her too much. And I am equally sure that the guy you were dating who seems to have “commitment anxiety” has at some point in his life practically begged to be in a relationship with a girl.

The thing is, nice guys don’t exist. “Douchebags” don’t exist. The behaviors we describe with these terms are not innate and static characteristics of any given person; they are behaviors that change depending on the other person involved and the circumstances surrounding the interaction. Of course there are men out there who are more disposed to certain types of behavior than others; but the degree of attraction a man feels for you will affect his behavior towards you far more than anything intrinsic to his personality, and the degree of attraction he feels for you is significantly affected by the kind of behavior you'll accept from him.

So instead of complaining about the dearth of nice guys or the abundance of douchebags, start thinking about what you can do to make then men in your life treat you the way you want. Because that is what is going to make the difference – not finding some "perfect guy" with some supposed personality type. You don't find perfect men, you elicit perfection from men.


Related Posts

1. The More Confident He Is, The Less He Likes You

2. The Importance of Personal Boundaries

3. You Are Responsible for Your Own Romantic Happiness

How to Set Up Your Friends

Most women I've met like the idea of setting up the single men in their lives with the single girls in their lives. In other words, they like match-making. Mothers seem to love this more than most, presumably because it puts them back in touch with the romantic spark that is often dead in their own relationships. Perpetually single girls love this too, probably because having influence over someone else’s love life is the next best thing to having control over your own. But normal girls like it too, and this is understandable because it is only human to want to have an influence on other people's lives (it is human to want to have influence in general). In the same way that it is empowering to know that you were the one who got your friend the job that was the springboard for her career, it is empowering to know that you introduced her to the guy that finally gave her confidence in her dating life, or even the guy that she eventually married.

Now, let me preface what I am about to say by pointing out that setups are usually a bad idea. In the vast majority of cases, the very fact that your friend needs help finding love is a good indication that your attempt to help is going to fail. This is because the problem is never one of "just not having met the right person yet." It always runs deeper. Maybe she is insecure, or too introverted, or overweight. Maybe she is trying to be masculine, or makes herself unapproachable. Whatever the case, her inability to take charge of her own romantic life isn't merely a matter of bad luck; it is a symptom of a deeper problem, which your attempt to introduce her to someone new isn't doing anything to solve. It's like giving another book to a child with a learning disability, and thinking "this time he'll get it." Exactly. It isn't going to happen.

So with that background, let's take a look at what most people do when they try to set up their friends (because this blog is for women I am going to use the example of a girl, but guys make the same mistake). Once a girl sees a potential match in her social circle, she goes to the girl and guy separately, and tells each of them that she knows "someone that they have to meet." She might tell each person a few things about the other, maybe show them some photos, and she gets them to agree to the setup. Then she arranges some kind of event at which the two people have the opportunity to meet each other. She's "really good at this" because she never lets either person know that the other one knows it's a set up. That way it won't feel forced or awkward. Perfect, right? Wrong.

The problem isn't that the person thinks that the other knows about the setup. The problem is that the person themselves knows they are being set up. And they knew this the very moment the girl told them there was "someone that they had to meet." This does two things: first, it generates expectations and makes both parties feel like they have to perform, which of course results in an encounter more awkward than a new graduate's first job interview. More importantly, however, and what I want to point out here, is that it destroys the single most important thing for someone who struggles with their dating life: autonomy.

Let's look at this from a the guy's perspective...

One of the hallmarks of masculinity is self-control: men want to be in control of their lives, and by extension, they want to be in control of their dating lives. A man will never feel good about himself if he can't initiate and perpetuate his own relationships. (Remember that his inability to do so is the reason his friends want to set him up in the first place.) By setting a guy up, you are essentially stepping in and putting training wheels on his bike - reminding him that he cannot handle himself. Yes, it might be true that he rides poorly (or not at all) without those training wheels; but by taking control of his dating life you are making him feel like a child, and he won't respect himself for any girl he "gets" with your help. He also won't respect any girl that he needs help to meet, because men know instinctively that women are attracted to men who don't need help: men who are in control and confident with their own capabilities. In other words, he knows he can get a better girl if he gets his shit together and deals with his lack of options himself.

You might argue that without some initial help, a guy (or girl) will never date anyone at all. To use the bike analogy, you might argue that, yes, a guy might not respect himself for using training wheels, but without training wheels he will never learn how to ride. But this argument assumes that his problem is balance. In real terms, your insistence on setting him up assumes that his problem is meeting girls. But as I pointed out at the beginning, this is never the case. His problem isn't one of balance, it is the fear of crashing. His problem isn't one of meeting girls, it is the fear of rejection; and setups do nothing to help him overcome that fear.

There is a feminine perspective on this too. When it comes to match-making, the feminine problem is that a girl will not respect a man who needed the help of a friend (i.e. you) to meet and attract her. This isn't only a matter of judging the man's courage, or the social abilities needed to make a connection with her. Women know that if a man is motivated enough, he will dig down and find that courage, and make something happen - or at least he will try. You want a man who desires you enough to push through a crowd to meet you, or takes some kind of initiative. At very least, you want a guy who does more than accept dates that are handed to him because his friends think he has no other options. A girl who finds herself in a relationship that started that way won't respect him, won't respect the relationship, and won't respect herself. So deep down, girls doesn't like being set up any more than guys do. They might like being single even less, but they'll be even less enthusiastic still about being dumped once their boyfriends wake up, and realize that they are only with those girls because they never had the balls to go for what they really wanted.

I am sure many readers know people who have had successful relationships after being set up, some of which might have even lead to marriage. My parents were set up, and they've been married more than 30 years. Maybe you were set up and are still with your boyfriend. And that's fine. But it doesn't mean that those cases are ideal or likely, or that they do anything to strengthen the inner core of the relationship.

So what do you do? How do you help facilitate a match that you think has potential? Well, you let both the guy and the girl ride without training wheels. You encourage them to take control of their own dating lives, and then you let them do so. This doesn't mean that you can't set them up, but it does mean that you can't tell either of them you are setting them up. Here is what you do: you invite them both to whatever event you've organized, then you sit back and see if they connect. Nothing more, nothing less. If he doesn't take the initiative on his own, nothing happens, and that's OK - or at least, it isn't something you can correct by stepping in and facilitating the connection any more than you already have.

Of course, it isn't always the case that the person you are trying to set up has any problems dating or attracting the opposite sex. Maybe they have plenty of options, and you just happen to know someone who would be a great match for them. But in these cases, you won't need to do anything other than introduce the two people anyway; they will be perfectly fine on their own if there is an attraction, so the strategy is the same: introduce, step back, and let it happen. Nothing more.


Related Posts
1. You Are Responsible For Your Own Romantic Happiness

2. No, You Aren't a Good Wing Woman

3. Don't Initiate Contact

Bars Are a Bad Place to Meet Women

I've met the majority of the women I've dated in bars. There have been plenty of girls that I've met through friends or randomly in public, but in bars, the sheer density of attractive, young, single women is enormously greater than it is on the street or beach or office (or anywhere else); and my dating history reflects that. I've made the point previously that the higher concentration of the opposite sex in nightlife venues is a good thing, and I stand by what I said. But as I've gotten older and come to know myself better, I've recognized two serious disadvantages to meeting women in this way.

1. Randomness

The first thing I've realized is that I don't value the way that I meet women I meet in bars – that is, I don’t value the process itself. I was telling this recently to a girl that I know, and she suggested that it was because meeting girls in bars is "too random." I think this is the common supposition - namely, that because you don't have any history or connection with the people that you meet in bars, there is no foundation for a relationship, and so any attempt at one is doomed. But this isn't the problem. A strong foundation for a relationship is just as much a function of personal compatibility as it is a function of common history or connections. Meeting the opposite sex in a bar isn't unsuccessful for lack of foundation, and it isn't unsuccessful because it is random. It is unsuccessful precisely because it isn't random.

Randomness is actually what we all want, in the sense that we all want our "how we met" story to be unique and unexpected. The more random it is that you met someone to whom you find yourself deeply attracted, the more special it feels, because you know that you were incredibly lucky for it to happen. It's the same phenomenon that makes people appreciate life so much after a near-death experience. You value what you have because you know that you almost didn't have it. As absurd as most romantic comedies are, it says something about our ideals of romance that so many of them start with some permutation of a girl hitting a guy on a bike with her car - randomly - and then falling in love with him. Things are romantic at least partially because they are unexpected, that is, seemingly impossible or unreal. I probably don't need to explain to most women how un-romantic it is to receive flowers on Valentine's Day. It might be nice, and it might be better than never receiving flowers, but it isn't romantic because it is too predictable. It isn't random at all.

Being picked up in a bar also isn't random at all. In fact, it is exactly the opposite of random; it is boring because it is too mechanical, too planned. Guys know that they want to meet girls, they know where to find them, and they go there to do so. Girls know that they want to meet men, they know where they will be hit on, and they go there for that reason. The encounter might take place in an exciting, fast-paced and sexually-charged atmosphere, but that's just superficial ornamentation. Underneath, those meetings are absolutely bland, because they are absolutely intentional.

Yes, obviously, not everyone in a bar is there with the conscious intention of meeting the opposite sex, but the percentage of people who are is infinitely higher in nightlife environments than it is in, say, a shopping mall. And following the train of thought described above, we project that intention onto every person we meet in a nightlife environment, then down-rate the value of those encounters accordingly. I don't value the women I meet in bars because there is nothing special about the way we met.

2. Difficulty

The second thing I realized is that I don't value the effort I make to meet girls in bars. There isn't necessarily anything wrong with the girls themselves, but I don't respect my relationships with them because I didn't have to work very hard to make those relationships happen. Men are very keenly aware that things of low value are easy to obtain, and so we assume (and in most cases are right) that things that are easy to obtain are low in value. A man might have the best job in the world, but he'll never feel good about it as long as he knows that he only got it because his father pulled strings with his professional contacts to make it happen. The same mentality applies in dating.

It hasn't always been this way for me. In my early twenties, approaching a random girl in a bar and attracting her enough to get her phone number took balls and felt like a real accomplishment - because at the time, for me, it was. I was able to have genuine relationships with girls that I met in bars because I respected myself for meeting girls in bars. But I don't anymore, because it has become too easy, too boring. Without the challenges that my adolescent social anxiety used to pose, all I see in bars is a social scene hugely facilitated by dark lighting, loud music, commotion and alcohol. They’re still a great place to have fun and get laid, but they’re not the kind of place where I expect to find a relationship anymore.

Now, does this mean that bars are a bad place to meet guys, or that you should stop going out?

Not necessarily. Despite the fairly categorical nature of this post's title, what I am really saying here is that bars are a bad place for me to meet women at this point in my life. I am no relativist, but the reasons explained above don’t apply to every guy, and they don't apply in every situation. If you meet a guy tomorrow who is the way I was at 22, for whom it is a big deal to meet a girl in a bar, then this isn't going to be an issue at all. And even if the guy you meet in a bar is exactly like me in the sense that it isn't a challenge for him, there is still the possibility of something working out; it just means that you are getting off on the wrong foot. If there is a strong enough connection, "how you met" probably won't be enough to prevent or disrupt it.

There is also the chance that there will be some other coincidence that makes the encounter incredibly random, despite the environment – maybe you find out that you both come from the same town on the other side of the country, or that you have identical ancestry, or that you are both obsessed with the same nerdy sci-fi movie, even though you met in a nightclub. And as I explained in previous posts, you still have to consider the disadvantages posed by what I've explained above, along-side the low probability of getting off on the right foot somewhere less intentional, like a shopping mall or at work.

No, I am not saying that you shouldn't go to bars. I am saying that you should be cognizant of the fact that men – just like women – will not respect or value what comes too easily, whether it comes too easily because (a) it is too mechanical or (b) because it requires very little effort. The converse of this is that men will value their encounter with you in proportion to how (a) unlikely or (b) difficult it was. While this doesn't mean that you should lock yourself in a steel cage and only accept men who are willing to tear it down to get to you, it does mean that you should avoid situations in which every man has easy access to you.

Incidentally, this post could also have been written about online dating, or anything else that dramatically facilitates meeting the opposite sex. You might think of bars and online dating as completely different – even opposites – but they share the strong similarity of taking the difficulty out of approaching (and therefore, being approached by) the opposite sex. Even though it seems like an ideal situation on the surface, the reality is that, for many men and women, bars and online dating are shortcuts. And no one wants to know that they got something important to them by taking a shortcut. Even if online dating or going to bars isn't a shortcut for you, be aware that it might be a shortcut for the guy, and that he is liable to respect himself and the relationship less because of it.


Related Posts
1. Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys – Part 1
2. How "Hard to Get" Should You Play?
3. Don’t Initiate Contact
4. Why You Don’t Get Approached by Men

Female Game for Women in Their 30s

[This is the third of a three-part series that describes how to focus your dating efforts in your teens, twenties and thirties. There are links below the post to the other two parts.]

Female game consists of three parts or stages:

1. Making yourself as attractive as possible
2. Making yourself approachable
3. Filtering out the men that just want to have sex with you from the men that want to date you

While these general stages apply to all women, a woman's age, experience and eligibility should factor heavily into her approach to dating if she wants to eventually find a man to settle down with. Therefore, various aspects of these three stages - or the components of each one - are more or less important at different times in a woman's life.

As a girl in your thirties, you are past or moving out of your most eligible years, and should adapt your game accordingly. Other women will get most - if not all - of the "easy" attention from men, so you need to narrow your focus and seek attention only from the men that matter. In order to be effective, you need to be honest with yourself and filter out the men who will waste your time - even when you are tempted by your emotions, pride or biology to do otherwise. Your efforts should remain focused on all three stages of female game, which you should achieve in the following ways:

• Recognize that something is wrong. If you are in your 30s and want to be married but aren't, something has gone wrong. Somewhere along the line you made a mistake. Not you parents, not "society," not your ex-boyfriends: you. Maybe you've let yourself become too assertive, maybe you aren't in shape, maybe you wasted time, or maybe you believed the popular misconception that your career matters most. Whatever the case, you need to recognize that it is time for change. Acknowledging this is the first step towards fixing the problem - whatever it is. 
• Revisit your foundations. There are a number of things a girl should do in her teens and twenties to be successful in the dating world. The majority of these still apply to you. Read the posts explaining them (the links are below this post). Understand them. Implement them.
• Recognize your disadvantage. Men are going to be more attracted initially to younger and hotter girls, and you will get less attention because of it. For better or worse, this is the way it is. You can tell yourself repeatedly that you look "young for your age," you can pretend that celebrities A and B disprove the rule, or you can just adamantly refuse to believe it. In this case, I also invite you to resign yourself to a bitter, single future. The alternative is to recognize the somewhat harsh truth, acknowledge that it has implications for how you need to conduct yourself going forward, and get to work making a bright future for yourself.
• Recognize your advantage. Most women do the majority of their dating in their late teens and through their twenties. Although these younger women have an advantage over older women in terms of appearance, few have the knowledge or experience necessary to date successfully - especially when they try to date sex-crazed and scruples-free men their own age, who have no intention of settling down. Most single women in their 30s have already suffered through these learning experiences, and can navigate the dating world far more efficiently because of it. As a woman in your 30s, you can go on more worth-while dates in a year or two than most 20-somethings go on in a decade.
• Make dating a priority. Success is often a function of priorities rather than abilities. The people we often admire for being great at X or Y are often just the people who really enjoy doing X or obsessively want Y, and have therefore made X or Y priorities in their lives. Your failure to be married by 30 is very likely due to the fact that you focused your efforts on other things in your twenties: a career, travel, partying, etc. Change that. Quit your job, move to the city, get rid of your partying friends, or do whatever else you can to make dating a priority. As the expression goes, "desperate times call for desperate measures." Although "desperate" is probably an overly severe descriptor for your situation, you understand the point: you need to take more dramatic steps towards meeting the right man.
• Avoid men in their 20s. Most men in their 20s - particularly their mid-20s - don't want to settle down yet, and certainly not with a woman who is in her 30s. Yes, there are some exceptions, but you are not one of them. Men in their 20s will want to have sex with you, and will play on your need for affirmation (as in, "Look, I can still attract a 25-year-old stud!") in order to do so. Avoid them categorically.
• Avoid men over 40 who cannot explain their singled status with a specific and believable reason. Men who haven't settled down by their late 30s are probably not going to settle down. In fact, the threshold might be even lower than 40; but if a man hasn't settled down by then he is probably incapable of engaging in or maintaining a long-term relationship.
• Avoid divorced men. If he did it once he'll do it again, and if it was "all her fault" he is lying; relationship problems always go both ways to some extent. Anyway, divorce only happens when it is entertained as a viable solution for problems or dissatisfaction in a relationship - both of which are inevitable. A man who is divorced almost definitely interprets "'til death do us part" with the addendum "...unless something really bad happens." The only exception to this rule is when the divorced man takes partial responsibly for the divorce: "True, she did X, Y and Z wrong, but I realize in retrospect that I pushed her away because of A, B and C." 
• Avoid married men. It amazes me how many e-mails I get from women asking how to handle a man who is unwilling to break up with his wife to start a relationship with her. Trying to break up a marriage is not only dubious from a morally standpoint, it is also a terrible idea for the women attempting it. She is fighting an uphill battle, trying to get commitment from a man who (a) already has committed to another women, even if he no longer loves her, (b) has all kinds of difficulties that complicate leaving her (children, house, etc.) and most importantly, (c) can easily hide his lack of true interest in you behind his inability to leave her, e.g. the lie "Baby, I would commit if I could leave my wife but you know I can't right now." The truth? He just wants sex on the side and he knows he'll never have to prove his claim.
• Don't be afraid of the nightlife scene. Some bars and most lounges are still decent places to meet men for you. I routinely go out and see plenty men and women in their 30s. In some places they are the majority. True, there are a lot of men there who are just looking for sex, but there are also more men willing to talk to you there than in daytime venues, and you have the savvy to avoid the ones who are only interested in sleeping with you. By being selective about where you go, and leaving before men's drunkenness is in full effect, you dramatically increase your chances of meeting decent men in nightlife venues. I am not saying you should neglect other social opportunities in order to hit the bars, but if there isn't anything else going on in the evening, don't use "I am too old" as an excuse.
• Continue to improve your appearance. The vast majority of women in their 30s will be able to look better a year from now than they do today, simply by working to improve their appearance. You might think that you've already "perfected" your look, when the reality is that you've just come to terms with it. Do you dress and do your make up like the 30-something models you see in clothing magazines? Are you in perfect shape? Do you understand your complexion perfectly? Etc.
• Filter, filter, filter. Leverage your life experience or dating experience to recognize immediately the men who just want sex, or are uncertain of their future with you. They are wasting your limited time. Treat them like the leeches they are: cut them off, and make time in your life for the men who are interested in you as a person.
• Do not get fat. This is critical. Your figure is crucial to your attractiveness, and you have too many other things working against you to give up control of it. If you are single, over 30 and getting fat, you are pretty much screwed. At best you will have to settle for a sloppy man who doesn't respect himself, doesn't attract you, and doesn't find you attractive. This might be an unfortunate truth, but it is a truth nonetheless. Do not get fat.
• Do not "hang in there." While it was reasonable for your college boyfriend to delay proposing until he graduated or got a steady job, there is no such excuse at your age. A relationship should escalate continually (even if it escalates slowly) until he proposes. There should be no "plateau" or "lag" in intimacy until well after marriage. An excuse about wanting to wait at your age is merely a guise for his indecision. Once he starts to doubt his future with you, I promise that it is the beginning of the end. Make it the end of the end by beating him to the punch and breaking up with him. If he was mistaken, he will ask for you back.
• Stay in shape. I realize I am repeating myself. I am doing so because it is important. As a woman ages, her fitness becomes increasingly important, because it increasingly sets her apart from other women. By staying (or getting) in shape while most other women are starting to fall off the fitness cliff, you will crush the competition. Unless you are already a nutrition, diet and exercise freak, staying in shape will almost certainly require that you become one. But the satisfaction you were used to getting from food will soon be replaced by satisfaction from your relationships with men.

As you can tell from the number of bullet points above that start with "Avoid" and "Recognize," the overarching themes for dating in your 30s (with the intent of marriage) are filtering and acceptance. In other words, screening out the men who aren't interested in a serious relationship, and accepting the fact that you are in a tough situation that necessitates stepping up your game.

Related Posts

1. The Advantage of Dating After 30

2. Female Game for Girls in Their 20s

3. Female Game for Girls in Their Teens
4. How to Adapt Your Game According to Your Results

Why Men Don't Approach You During The Day

A reader recently asked in the comments of another post:

I saw you made a Twitter post about women wearing makeup to the gym... 

I go to the gym in my local area a few times per week. I'm one of those girls who wear makeup, albeit not a lot. I am 22, have a good figure and wear tight workout wear.

I have never been approached at the gym. I would have loved to be - there are many attractive men there, and it's in my local high-end area - they're well educated and successful guys, often attractive too. Sometimes I think they may be an age group a bit too old and that some of them are married. 

I usually get hit on quite a lot in bars. I see your posts about being around men and making yourself attractive to them. I follow all of that advice - I don't think I have a problem with the attractiveness part. I would love to be asked out in any of these scenes (gym, college...), because I feel I would have more of a guarantee that they're the right guys, but I am simply not. I sometimes catch them looking, but they never ever come over.

What is it? Are men too shy during the day? Or are there some things women must specifically do to make themselves approachable in daytime scenarios?

I probably should have addressed this question a long time ago, when I covered topics like Why You Don't Get Approached by Men and How To Make Yourself Approachable. In any case, there is a simple answer: men don't approach much during the day because there is a much greater social barrier to doing so. In a bar environment, social interaction is expected. People are there to socialize, if not there with the actual intention of meeting members of the opposite sex. Alcohol also facilitates the interaction a great deal, since it makes men relaxed and takes some of the difficulty out of the approach.

In other venues, like the gym, the grocery store, a shopping mall, or just on the street, most people are there to get something done. They aren't there to meet people; they are there to work out, or pick up some milk, get a new pair of jeans, or get home before it starts raining. Especially in the United States, which is a very accomplishment-focused culture, these activities are packed into an already tight schedule. And while this isn't always the case, and isn't an absolute bar to approaching a woman, it gives a man another excuse to talk himself out of an already nerve-racking experience. It is so much easier for him to tell himself "she is probably busy, and I probably wouldn't like her anyway" than it is to barge into her personal space and face rejection.

Your cause isn't helped by the following factors:

• In public places like the gym or a bus, men who want to approach you would be more easily over-heard, so the embarrassment of failure would be greater than in a bar or nightclub.
• Most women tell men "I would never want to be hit on at the gym. I am all gross and sweaty when I am at the gym. I don't want a guy approaching me; I just want to work out in peace." I can't count the number of times I've heard women say this. Granted, I usually understand this to be a self-serving comment, meant to display the fact that (a) men want to hit on them at the gym, and that (b) they have so much attention from men that they don't care. But unfortunately the effect on the male population is the same nonetheless: it tells men that women want to be left alone during their workout or daily activities.
• Most women wear headphones and listen to music when they are in the gym, on the train, or walking down the street. This only heightens the sense that, when people aren't in the segmented few hours of their life assigned to "socializing," they are off limits to meeting strangers. If you follow me on Twitter you will remember the tweet I made recently about women wearing headphones in public. (Men do this too, of course, but it is less of an issue when it comes to being approached, since men normally do the approaching.)

So the short answer to your question is that men don't approach you in the gym or other day-times venues because they have to take much more social risk in order to do so. Most men can't get up the balls to approach a woman at night, so the added deterrents during the day make it even less likely.

One final note: although you aren't as likely to be approached during the day, and may therefore question the importance of always looking your best, it is worth considering that you are much more likely to be incidentally thrown into interaction with men during the day - for example, when you have a brief conversation with the hot guy at the front desk as you check in at the gym, or when you repeatedly run into an attractive guy at your favorite lunch spot. Not to mention that, by regularly paying attention to how you present yourself, you will learn how to improve your look and thereby optimize your chances in nightlife venues as well.


Related Posts
1. Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys - Part 1
2. You Always Go To The Gym. And You Like It.
3. What It Is Like to Be Rejected by Girls
4. How To Make Yourself Approachable

Nightlife Tip 1 - Create Space at The Bar

One of the easiest ways a man can approach you in a nightlife setting is to strike up a conversation with you while you are at the bar. He can stand next to you while he is ordering a drink, and wait for an opportune moment to ask you a question or make a comment. The approach is casual, low-pressure on both parties, and gives either of them a subtle way to remain in the conversation (pretend they were going to stay there anyway), as well as a graceful way to exit (i.e. "Well, we have our drinks now - have a good night!").

One of the worst ways a man can approach you in a nightlife setting is to come up behind you and tap you on the shoulder, or grab your arm through the crowd to get your attention when you aren't noticing him. It is abrupt, catches you off guard, puts you (and him) on the spot, and offers no easy exit.

There is a simple thing you can do to facilitate being approached at the bar, and prevent the need for a man to grab or tap you and put you on the spot. Next time you are out, create space at the bar next to you or choose a spot next to empty space - ideally the only empty space. While there may not be any men noticing you or looking for a way to approach, it would be a shame if simple logistics prevented one from accessing you.

The image below clearly illustrates the technique. In addition to the placement, notice the way the girl's bodies are angled in an effort to be more open to men who might approach. This "open" body language signals to men that you are open to meeting new people (usually they notice it subconsciously - but they notice).

As the night progresses and the bar gets more crowded, there will be more pressure pushing people into your "vacuum," and you will find yourself having to move around from time to time in order to always be posted up next to an empty spot. This can sometimes be a good thing since it gives you an excuse to spend time in different spots and be seen by different men. If the bar gets too full, you can apply the same principle as you stand overlooking a railing or balcony, though not having the drink transaction working for you makes this slightly less desirable. Keep in mind that staying in bars too late is asking for trouble, so I am assuming here that you will be gone before this becomes a major problem.

This isn't a magic trick for picking up guys. It isn't going to actively attract men. It will only facilitate the approach of the ones that are already interested. Rather than trying it out this weekend with grand expectations, I suggest making it a habit that you and your best girlfriends do by default, without expectation, every time you go out.


Related Posts
1. Other Nightlife Tips
2. Why You Don't Get Approached By Men
3. How To Make Yourself Approachable
4. Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys - Part 1

Misconceptions

The most recent post on Hooking Up Smart borrows a Venn diagram from a website called Doghouse Diaries. The diagram attempts to dispel a few myths about what men find attractive in women. While of course all men have different tastes, and projection is inevitable, I was still a little disappointed at what the author came up with.

Below is my take on the phenomenon he recognizes. You'll notice that I kept a couple of his points. I also used a list format so that the differences can be seen more clearly.

Related Posts

1. Why Women Don't Know What Men Want

2. Don't Try to Be One of The Guys

3. The Analogy Between Confidence and Beauty

Female Game for Girls in Their 20s

[This is the second of a three-part series that describes how to focus your dating efforts in your teens, twenties and thirties. There are links below the post to the other two parts.]

Female game consists of three parts or stages:

1. Making yourself as attractive as possible
2. Making yourself approachable
3. Filtering out the men that just want to have sex with you from the men that want to date you

While these general stages apply to all women, a woman's age, experience and eligibility should factor heavily into her approach to dating if she wants to eventually find a man to settle down with. Therefore, various aspects of these three stages - or the components of each one - are more or less important at different times in a woman's life.

As a girl in your twenties, you are moving into and living through your most eligible years, and should tailor your game accordingly. Your goal should be to meet and date as many eligible men as you can, in an effort to increase the statistical probability of meeting one guy that you can really love. In order to do this effectively you need to be honest with yourself, and filter out the men who will waste your time - even when you are tempted by your emotions, pride or biology to do otherwise. This requires that you spread your attention across all three stages listed above, in the following ways:

• Establish the right foundations. There are a number of things a girl should do in her teens to prepare for her twenties. If you haven't done all of these things, or still need to work more on some of them, do so first. Because you have an age advantage over the girls doing these things in their teens, you will be able to learn some of these lessons faster and perhaps more effectively. But these steps are critical - they should not be skipped.
• Adjust and improve your look as you become a woman. Continue to learn about your complexion, make up, fit and style, and continue to improve your appearance. Your efforts in this realms should be informed by three concepts: (a) your appearance matters, (b) your appearance is controllable, and (c) you can always look better than you do now.
• Embrace your sexuality. As you become sexually eligible and your confidence grows, you will begin to feel comfortable in your own skin - in a sense, literally. Your look should migrate from cute towards sexy. There is no longer any reason to hide your body, any more than there is a reason to suppress your smile or intentionally give yourself a bad hairstyle. Show off your figure with class of course, but also recognize that living in denial of your sexuality is a recipe for unhappiness.
• Realize that your male peers are growing up. As you move through your twenties, men will start to gain the upper hand in relationships, due to their high sex drives and promiscuous nature. You should have prepared yourself for this during your teens, but now it means that your defensive game (filtering, #3 above) will become increasingly important. Adjust your disposition towards men accordingly: don't initiate contact, cut off guys who dump you, and - most importantly - wait for commitment before you sleep with anyone.
• Put yourself out there. Now that you are looking for a husband, you should - ideally - meet new men almost on a daily basis. The only way you will do this is by going to places and doing things to facilitate it. Creating this kind of exposure is a huge part of "making yourself approachable." If this means forcing yourself into awkward social situations, so be it. If it means you have to hang out with people that you don't particularly like, deal with it. But living in the suburbs with your parents, skipping happy hours with coworkers, or staying in on weekends will not accomplish this. You are the only one responsible for your own social life, so put yourself in living and working situations conducive to interacting with men, and learn to be social.
• Don't waste your time. If you are interested in getting married, your mid to late late twenties is the best time to find your husband, and your early twenties is a close second. Wasting time in obviously dead-end relationships because you "just don't want to put pressure on him" is bullshit - and is either a symptom of your insecurity, or just stupid. Make sure that your boyfriend knows what you eventually want, then be honest with yourself and cut your losses when you need to.
• Avoid men your own age. For most of your twenties, men your age will be either actively fucking around, or otherwise disinclined to settle down. Most (not all, but most) do not want to get married until their late twenties at the earliest, and they will do whatever women allow them to do in the meantime. You will be fighting a constant uphill battle if you try to date guys your own age. Instead, focus on men who are 3 to 6 years older than you. For example, if you start dating a guy who is 27 or 28 when you are 23, you could conceivably get married a year later. Avoid younger men like the plague and treat men more than eight years your senior with caution - there is probably a reason that they haven't settled down yet.
• Recognize and seize opportunities. While 22 might seem a little young to be settling down, you would be stupid to throw away a lifetime of happiness with a solid man for three or four more years of partying, travel or "independence." In your twenties, the upcoming five years always seem like they'll be the most important ones of your life, but they won't be. By the time you are 30 they will seem almost as frivolous and naive as your early teens seem to you now, so forget your concerns about "missing out." A little foresight at this age will go a long way.
• Know why you are dating. It is easy to get caught up in the emotions surrounding relationships, to the point that you forget why you got into them in the first place. If your goal is to find a husband someday, remind yourself of this when you are tempted to sleep with a guy who clearly just wants sex, or when you realize that you don't want to end up with the guy that you want to win back so badly.
• Decide what constitutes good enough. Forget the notion of "the one" - it is beyond absurd. Only those with an imagination suffocated by Hollywood will lament a loss of "Romance" in acknowledging this. Trying to attract and select "the one" (or even just "the best" one) out of numerous options will inevitably drive you crazy. Think carefully, decide what attributes Mr. Right has, then fight the urge to wait for something better once you find a man that has them. Write down what you are looking for if you find it helpful to do so.
• Resist becoming jaded. As you wade through the sea of men who are below your league, don't like you enough, only want sex, or aren't ready to settle down, make conscious efforts to stay positive about your prospects. This means pausing in the midst of your sorrows after being dumped, and recognizing that you wouldn't value a man that was easy to come by, or that being rejected is part of life. Remember that it isn't your failures (i.e. in relationships) that define you, but how you respond to them: so stop feeling sorry for yourself, get back up, and get back out there.
• Challenge yourself daily. Whether you do this by reading a book about raising children, forcing yourself to confront a difficult social situation, or learning a second language when you'd rather be watching TV, you should be constantly pushing yourself a little bit - improving your abilities, knowledge, and expanding your comfort zone. This is how you will stand out from the crowd.

The overarching themes during your twenties should be increasing opportunities and filtering, but both of these should be done with a solid understanding of the dating landscape - which you can get in part from this blog.

Related Posts

1. Female Game for Girls in Their Teens

2. Female Game for Women in Their 30s

3. How to Adapt Your Game According to Your Results

Think About Where You Live and Work

You may have perfected your look, your personality, your fitness, and your confidence, but if you aren't crossing paths with men frequently, it is all for nothing. You can't attract men that you don't encounter, and you can't encounter men without a social life.

A couple years ago I dated a beautiful, very sweet girl who lived in the suburbs with her parents, about 45 minutes outside the city. She commuted to her job at the local hospital by car, everyday, alone. Her coworkers were either middle-aged (and married) or older. Her family had moved around a lot when she was growing up, so she didn't have a social circle from her childhood. She rarely went out, struggled to make friends, and was generally unhappy. Last I heard she was in-and-out of a relationship with a guy that her mother hated and she was unenthusiastic about at best; but she stayed with him - I assume for lack of other options. This girl was an 8 out of ten in most guys' books, and a 9 or 10 in others'. She was smart, gentle, had an amazing smile and loved to dress up and go out (I always wished I liked her more, but ultimately we didn't click and I had to let her go). It was depressing to see her suffocated by her living and working situation. I always urged her to move away from her parents and into the city, where she could work at a younger hospital, socialize, meet guys, make friends, go out, and generally thrive. But she was too scared to move. She didn't feel comfortable leaving what she knew so well after so long.

Especially if you aren't the most outgoing person in the world, your work and living situation can dramatically improve your social life - or cripple it. And your social live, in turn, determines how frequently you meet new men. The frequency with which you meet new men not only gives you opportunities for meeting one you like, but it also gives you opportunities to practice interacting with men and to learn from your mistakes. I don't think it is a huge stretch to say that your choice of job and living location can play heavily into your success in the dating world.

You might question how simply moving to another location or job will improve your social life - and you'd be right that some additional effort is needed. But the sheer proximity to restaurants, other people, nightlife, museums, parks, stores, etc. - all of this facilitates social interaction. For example, if you live near a gym (which is very likely if you live in the city) you are more likely to meet people when you work out - at a spin class, or even while you are checking in. If you live near a park, you are more likely to run or walk there, and maybe join the sports leagues you see playing there on weeknights. If you live near nightlife, you can invite your coworkers out and give them a place to crash afterwards (this will create memories and develop friendships). All of this can help - in small or big ways - to expand your social circle. It isn't just about crossing paths with men; it's about living where more people are and where more things are happening, it's about exposing yourself to opportunities. In a sense, choosing where you live and work is the most fundamental way of making yourself approachable - a critical part of female game.

Of course you shouldn't completely neglect the financial or professional side of this decision; but does it really make sense to choose how to spend the majority of your waking hours without regard to who you will spend them with, or where they allow you to spend your free time? Does it really make sense to sacrifice opportunities to make friends and meet men, just for a small boost in your career?

So...

• If your job actively prevents you from interacting with people you could make friends with, quit. Your professional life is almost definitely not as important as your social life.
• If live in the suburbs, move to the city. You can find cheap place in any city. If it isn't as nice, get used to it. If you increase your commute 45 minutes a day, suck it up. Spend the time listening to books on tape or talking on the phone.
• If you spend an hour a day on your laptop at home rather than in a coffee shop or some other public place because none are convenient to you - force yourself out of the house.
• If you commute by car when you could take public transportation, consider switching.
• If you pass up opportunities to go out to bars or nightclubs, or to hang out with coworkers because it is a pain to drive into the city - move closer.
• If you don't go out to restaurants occasionally with your friends because you all live in different suburbs and nothing is local to you, move.

The list could go on forever, but you see the point: choose where you work and live wisely, because it will affect your social life, and by extension, your success with men.


Related Posts
1. Learn How to Be Social
2. You Are Responsible for Your Own Romantic Happiness
3. Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys: Part 1

Female Game for Girls in Their Teens

[This is the first of a three-part series that describes how to focus your dating efforts in your teens, twenties and thirties. There are links below the post to the other two parts.]

Female game consists of three parts or stages:

1. Making yourself as attractive as possible
2. Making yourself approachable
3. Filtering out the men that just want to have sex with you from the men that want to date you

While these general stages apply to all women, a woman's age, experience and eligibility should factor heavily into her approach to dating if she wants to eventually find a man to settle down with. Therefore, various aspects of these three stages - or the components of each one - are more or less important at different times in a woman's life.

Girls in their teens should be mainly focused on stages 1 and 2, and should also focus on preparing for their dating prime - which will come in their 20s. This can be done in the following ways:

• Realize that having the upper hand won't last. Men in their teens are less confident than girls in their teens, and they think less about the opposite sex. The kind of cunning that makes men difficult to manage in their 20s and 30s is not something that many guys in their teens have developed yet (an exception may be a guy in his late teens with older brothers). A few will be naturally successful with women, but in general guys your age will not know how to attract you. This will give you the upper hand in most cases, but you should realize that this advantage will not last. Curb your ego accordingly.
• Don't date exclusively. While teenage relationships might seem important at the time, they will seem petty in five years, and pointless in ten. Your interactions with men in your teens should be fun learning experiences, but nothing deeper than that. The guys you date will change so much in the coming years that you can almost be sure that no teenage relationship will end in marriage.
• Develop your look. Since you aren't trying to lure in a husband yet, you can afford to fuck up more with your appearance. Use that leeway to your advantage: now is the time to grow comfortable wearing different kinds of clothes, try different hairstyles, and take fashion risks in order to learn and eventually settle on your best look.
• Stay a virgin. Wait until you are older and more experienced with life before having sex. There is simply no need to start accumulating sexual partners and STDs now. The fact that all the cool girls are doing it just means that they won't be the cool girls ten years from now; they'll be sluts. If you are so horny that you can't control yourself physically, masturbate.
• Avoid older men. By older men I mean men in their 20s and 30s (or older). You are not experienced or confident enough to be attractive to these men on a personal level yet. The ones that show an interest in you only want sex. And they are dangerous because they probably know how to manipulate you emotionally in order to get it. Stay as far away from them as you can, no matter how attractive they are, or how exciting it is to be with someone older. The time for that will come.
• Observe, Observe, Observe. Take all of the energy you would spend on frivlous, Taylor-Swift-style relationships, and pour it instead into observation. Notice how men act and what they respond to in women. Pay attention to the differences between you and them, since these will only become more pronounced with age. Ignore the advice of your girlfriends (which is probably full of either projection or feminism) and instead pay attention to what men do.
• Be aware of your influences. You will watch countless romantic comedies or read literature that idealizes relationships. Recognize that, although sometimes these have elements of truth in them, they are not based in reality. You will develop unreal expectations if you peg them to fictional characters. If you parents say you shouldn't watch something because it is trash, trust them. Put a strong emphasis on what you observe in real life, not what you consume for entertainment.
• Develop your taste. As you observe guys, try to recognize what it is that you find attractive about the men you are drawn to. By the time you are twenty, you should have a rough idea of the things you like in a man: how important is confidence to you? how much does a guy's looks matter? do you want someone passionate or someone responsible? etc. Notice especially that many attractive qualities are often mutually exclusive (e.g. ambition and easygoing-ness, responsibility and spontaneity, or strength and sensitivity).
• Challenge yourself daily. Whether you do this by willingly embracing social awkwardness,  or by starting an exercise routine, or by working to correct or implement personal habits, you should be always pushing yourself a little bit - improving your abilities, knowledge, and expanding your comfort zone.
• Resist the pressure to be masculine. Your parents, teachers and peers will undoubtedly tell you that your personal success hinges on your grades, your degrees, your career and your accomplishments. No one is going to tell you (the truth) that, in the eyes of men, your value as a woman is much more a function of how much they enjoy experiencing you: seeing you, talking to you, playing with you, relaxing with you, enjoying your energy and openness, and loving you - physically and emotionally. So when you are pressured to get an advanced degree, ask yourself "is this what I genuinely want? will this make me happy?"
• Develop your female friendships. Many women pour all of their efforts into relationships with men. This is understandable at some ages, but it often comes at the expense of female friendships. By fostering female friendships in your teens, you will strengthen them so that they will last through the times when you devote everything to your boyfriend. Then you will still have their support when he turns out to be an asshole, or when you need a social circle through which to meet new guys, or when you need someone to confide in.

In your teens you should be laying a solid foundation of knowledge about the opposite sex, while practicing self-restraint in the face of social pressures to do otherwise. The overarching themes are preparation and patience.

Related Posts

1. Female Game for Girls in Their 20s

2. Female Game for Women in Their 30s

3. How to Adapt Your Game According to Your Results

How to Improve Your Posture - Part 2

In a previous post I pointed out that if you want to control your posture, it is more effective to remind yourself of your strengths each time you catch yourself slouching, than it is to simply attempt to correct the posture itself. This is because poor posture is a symptom of low self-esteem, not just a bad habit.

Here is a good way to put this fact into practice:

Everyone has a few really good photos of themselves - photos in which you look your best (thinnest, hottest, happiest, most confident, etc.). The camera caught you at your best angle, you were wearing your best colors and your hair looks really good. You probably enjoy looking at these pictures because they make you feel good about yourself. It isn't just a matter of looking good; these pictures probably capture a certain poise or spirit of which you are proud - they illustrate you at your best.

Choose the best of these photos in your mind. The next time you catch yourself slouching, remember that photos, and specifically, remind yourself that you are the person in that picture. You will automatically and immediately (albeit temporarily) correct your posture. With repetition, you will begin to see yourself as the person in the photo more than you see yourself as the person who slouches. Before long, perfect posture will be a habit.

A Tool for Learning Makeup

In the post I made called How to Avoid Looking Fake, I pointed out that a girl needs to understand what kinds and tones of makeup work with her face and complexion in order to avoid the "caked on" makeup look, which men find unattractive. A reader recently recommended a website called TAAZ.com that actually allows users to apply virtual makeup to a photo of themselves in order to get an idea of what will look good. You can also try different hairstyles. In fact, the website is very similar to the one I recommended in the post How to Improve Your Hair (www.thehairstyler.com), but with a focus on makeup rather than hair - and the added benefit of being able to do both.

Here is the link to the website: www.taaz.com

As with www.thehairstyler.com, the visualization tools aren't perfect, but as you can see in the examples below, you can definitely get general ideas about how various colors work (or don't work) with your personal look. Whether you are just learning how to optimize your look, or want to revisit it, this website can be an invaluable tool. (And don't be so sure that you already know everything about your own makeup - self-perception is remarkably inaccurate at times.)

Related Posts
1. How to Avoid Looking "Fake"
2. How to Improve Your Hair
3. Your Skin Color Matters
4. Hair and Makeup Variety