Amy Young

I haven't come across many online dating advice resources for women that I consider valuable. You might have noticed that (until today) I didn't follow anyone on Twitter, and you probably notice that I don't have links to other websites anywhere on here. This is because most other dating advice resources for women basically suck. They either give advice that feeds people's need to feel like there are easy solutions, don't say anything insightful, or their authors are clearly more interested in their personal success than putting out quality content. I don't want to undermine my readers' trust for my content by recommending them.

Well, today I stumbled upon* an impressive exception. Her name is Amy Young and she has a YouTube channel and a blog. I haven't watched all of her videos or read all of her articles, but I've seen more than enough to recognize three things that set her apart:

1. She's smart. Why this matters is kind of self-explanatory, but I am going to spell it out anyway: it means that she gets down the crux of your issues with men and dating, and she explains them clearly. (And to anticipate the comments: yes, in spite of what you may have inserted between the lines of my posts on the topic, intelligence in women is attractive.)
2. She's genuine. She isn't dishing out advice from the "I do everything right and that's why you should listen to me" perspective like many supposed dating gurus. It comes much more from a place of "Yeah, I fucked this up too, but I see now where I went wrong; don't make the same mistake I did." And her advice is all the more trustworthy because of it.
3. She's not a complainer. This is by far what sold me the most. People who don't complain are rare. Very, very, rare. And this is all the more true when it comes to talking about the behavior of the opposite sex. Aside from a couple tongue-in-cheek comments, her content is 100% devoid of the hackneyed, indulgent, "girls are good, guys are bad," victim-type undertones that pervade so much of the dating advice out there for women. That absence is a hallmark of someone with strong boundaries, and it demonstrates the kind of mindset you need to attract a quality guy. This is the kind of girl you want to be taking advice from.

Yeah, OK, she starts her videos by saying shit in an weird voice, and she puts gay music in the background of her videos. But you're girls so you probably like that stuff anyway.

I posted some videos below, but go check her out:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxbz8CzmZFjgKHJ3sbUoa1g
(link to her YouTube channel)

http://www.amyyoungcoaching.com/
(link to her website)

Here's one video that I kept saying "Holy shit, that is so true" to:

How to Reveal A Guy's True Intentions

Here is one that most girls need to hear:

What if All the "Good Guys" are Taken?

And in the vein of my last post (again, so true):

Dudes Lovin Lady Bodies 101

Enjoy.

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* Or, to be more accurate, I was recommended her channel by YouTube's apparently effective content match-up algorithms.

Stop Lying to Your Friends

Girls are famous for complimenting each other and supporting each other with their words. On the surface, this seems like a good thing. Telling your girl friend that she looks hot before a night out will boost her ego; telling her that the guy who just dumped her wasn't worth her time will help her get over him faster; and telling her that she has a "Beyonce butt" will make her feel more comfortable about her body... right? Wrong.

When you do these things, you are letting your girlfriend wallow in her mediocrity. If you tell your friend that she looks good when she doesn't, she isn't going to make an effort to look better next time. If you tell your friend that the guy wasn't worth her time, when the truth is that he definitely was worth her time, you are only going to prevent her from doing what she needs to do to make herself more attractive to the next guy of that caliber. And if you tell her that her big ass is sexy, she isn't going to lose the weight she needs to make it look better. 

Granted, your girl friend probably isn't naive enough or dishonest enough with herself to completely believe you when you say these things; but I am willing to bet that neither is she wise enough nor honest enough with herself to disbelieve them completely. By telling her anything less than the complete truth, you are placing a Band-Aid over the wound; you aren't substantially helping her. Or worse, you are cowering from your fear of telling her the harsh truth, only because you want to avoid the confrontation that it might cause. Even your excuse about making her feel good about herself falls flat, because a girl's "need to feel beautiful" cannot be satisfied by empty or equivocated compliments.

The problem with this kind of "support" is deeper than just the effect that you have on your friend. Not only are you wrong about the fact that you are helping her, you are probably also wrong in believing that your motive was to help her in the first place. You tell her that she looks hot because you think she needs to hear that she looks hot. But that is just a symptom of the fact that, if you were in her situation, you would feel the need to hear that you look hot - precisely because you wouldn't believe it. And you tell her that her ex wasn't worth her time mainly because, if you were in her situation, you wouldn't be comfortable with accepting the harsh reality that he was absolutely worth your time, but you lost him. And if you had an ass that size, you'd want to believe that the shape compensated for the size, because you'd hate having to face the reality that your ass is huge, and that you actually need to start a real workout, rather than just reading magazines on the treadmill three times a week. In other words, your inability to be honest with your friend is a reflection of your discomfort being honest with yourself.

Granted, there are right ways and wrong ways to break the news to your friend that she is fat, or looks bad, or just lost the man of her dreams - or any other news she isn't going to want to hear. I am not suggesting that when she asks "doesn't my ass look big in this?" you reply "yeah, like huge!" There are ways to get the truth across tactfully, one of which is not embarrassing her in front of others. For example, in that situation (assuming there were others present), you could say something like "It's probably not the right dress for you" and then later - in person - tell her that she should throw it away.

Also, pointing out problems without solutions is the hallmark of un-helpfulness. So the other important thing to do is to help her find a way to improve whatever it is you are giving her honest feedback about. After you tell her that you actually thing she lost a great guy, for example, don't just stop there and let her believe (wrongly) that she has an inherent lack of ability to get a quality man; tell her that you think you know a couple reasons he might have left, and offer to help her improve in those areas.

By starting to be more honest with your girl friends, you aren't going to start a revolution in the way that women give each other feedback and advice. This is something rooted in female nature, in the same way that the male inability to engage each other emotionally is rooted in theirs (and neither is a strength). But you could do something far more important, in the sense that it affects you a lot more: you could change the culture in your group of friends. If one or two of you start breaking the insincere compliment cycle, the others will catch on, and soon realize that yours is a better course of action. The more you foster that culture among your group of friends, the more you all will benefit from the mutual honesty, the more you will improve yourselves and your chances with the opposite sex.

Related Posts

1. You Always Go to The Gym. And You Like It.

2. Living Vulnerably

3. Self-Improvement Takes Time
4. Why Rejection Is a Good Thing