"I'm Not Like Other Girls"

Dating and relationships are rife with cliche lines and expressions. People hear them in movies or on television, and then rehash them because they seem like the appropriate thing to say when the narrative of their relationship starts to vaguely resemble the script of their favorite romantic comedy. You know what I am talking about - things like "Let's just be friends," "I had a really great time tonight," "It's not you it's me," etc. But one of the most overused lines comes up when a man makes a sexual advance with a girl he just started seeing. Every guy knows the line I am talking about here:

"I can't do that... I'm... I'm not like other girls."

If girls had any idea how often guys hear that line, they'd cringe at the mere thought of using it. I cringe every time I hear it, just because I've heard it so many times before, and hate cliches. But most girls probably didn't realize how common it is, because it is always said in private, out of earshot of other girls. Now you know.

Of course, the irony is that, in the very act of saying she is different, the girl saying so is being exactly the opposite of different. Perhaps the greater irony still is that, from a guy's perspective, her saying so is actually a pretty good sign that she is about to say yes to sex. Some guys realize this more than others, but the ones that do know that the girls who really are different (in the sense that they don't have sex very quickly) don't feel the need to verbalize that fact in order to convince anyone.

Now, if you are a normal American girl, you've probably said this yourself at some point. And that's OK. I've said just as stupid and equally cliche shit to girls before. Most guys have, so I'm not pointing fingers. And actually, I'm not even accusing you of being like every other girl. For that matter, I'm not even saying that you shouldn't be like every other girl when it comes to sex. I am just pointing out that, if what you say is true, then you don't need to say it; and you actually undermine your credibility in the very act of doing so.

So if you really want to prove to a guy that you are different from other girls, just be different from other girls, and leave it at that.

Related Posts

1. How to Turn Down a Guy for Sex

2. Don't Fuck on The First Date

3. Never Tell a Guy When You'll Have Sex with Him

4. Never Tell a Man Why He Shouldn't Want to Date You

How to Date as a Virgin

I didn't kiss a girl until I was 20 years old. Although that doesn't seem very odd to me in retrospect, it definitely made me feel awkward at the time. From about the age of 16 on, I vividly remember being paranoid of admitting to my friends that I'd never kissed a girl. The fear was so severe that I used to rehearse in my mind how I would equivocate if I were ever asked about it.

I was much less ashamed about being a virgin, because virginity was something I actively believed in at the time. Not having kissed a girl, on the other hand, was just a product of my inability to attract the kind of girl I wanted to kiss. But anyway, the point is that I know how much pressure a girl (or woman) can feel to live up to what she sees as the socially acceptable level of sexual experience for someone her age. And even though my beliefs have changed a lot since then, I can also identify with the belief that sex should be saved for marriage, or at least for some significant level of feeling or commitment.

There is no doubt in my mind that female virgins feel this pressure. One of the most common questions I get from readers is "what will he think if he finds out that I am a virgin?" I've already written a post answering this question, but I also want to discuss the best way to go about dating as a virgin. And I will do that by answering the next four most common questions that I receive from girls about virginity, namely:

1. Should you tell the guys you date that you are a virgin?
2. When should you tell guys you are dating that you are a virgin?
3. How should you tell guys you are dating that you are a virgin?
4. How do you know when to give your virginity to a guy?

I'll address each question separately. But first, I want to take a moment to highlight what is perhaps the important thing...

One of the biggest problems virgins face is that they don't know why they want to be virgins. Their parents told them not to sleep around, and it seemed like a good idea for a while, but it isn't something they've ever decided for themselves - or if they did at some point, they're now starting to doubt that decision. Meanwhile, the social pressure to do otherwise is starting to increase, as is their hormonal drive - both of which they were warned against by their parents. The result is an internal conflict that makes both paths seem "wrong" and incredibly difficult to reconcile.

Let me be clear: I am not going to tell you that virginity is right or wrong, and I am not going to tell you whether or not you should stay a virgin. That is a normative decision, and not mine to make for you. I will say that Western society has undeniably pushed the normal marriage age beyond the years at which are bodies are prime for sex and children (few people will dispute this). And while this doesn't mean that you should or shouldn't have sex, it does mean that if you want to stay a virgin until marriage, it's going to be tough.

Without having a clear idea in your mind about the circumstances in which you want to lose your virginity, there is no way that you are going to be able to resist the social and biological pressure to have sex; and as I will explain, neither is there any way that you will be confident in your dating life. So the first thing you need to do in order to start dating successfully as a virgin is to decide when or under what circumstances you want to stop dating as a virgin.

With that said, let's get into the questions...

1. Should you tell the guys you are date that you are a virgin?

This seems like a simple "yes" or "no" question, but it isn't. The very fact that you feel the need to ask it betrays a problem much deeper than your confusion about whether or not to tell a guy that you've never had sex before. The problem is that you are treating your virginity like something that you have to admit, which is another way of saying that you are treating it like something that you need to hide. So the far more important question is "why do I feel ashamed of my virginity?"

Usually, the answer is that you aren't sure of your reasons for being a virgin to begin with. If you were really sure of your life decisions, you wouldn't be worried about what the guys you date think of them. You'd (rightly) disqualify guys who disapproved of your virginity because their disapproval betrays their incompatibility with you.

Once you are comfortable with your decision, you won't need me to tell you the answer to your original question, which is that, yes, you should tell him you are a virgin, but only if the topic comes up naturally. And this brings us to the second question...

2.  When should you tell guys you are dating that you are a virgin?

Telling a guy that you are a virgin should be no different than telling him who you voted for in the presidential elections, or whether or not you believe in god, or any other potentially divisive fact about yourself. You wouldn't feel a need to "confess" to him that you voted for Ron Paul on your first date; but you'd tell him if he asked - or if your political views came up in the course of conversation. Virginity, politics, religion, etc. - these are the kinds of things that you eventually need to know about each other because they reveal a person's values; but we don't immediately discuss them because a person's values aren't the only important thing about them. If you skipped the conversation about favorite movies, or family, or personal interests, you'd be missing a big piece of the picture. Likewise, if you only talked about how much you both love that one comedian, and never brought up those topics that make you a little nervous to discuss, you'd be missing out on important information about the other person.

Topics like politics and virginity make you nervous because they can be divisive, and you are afraid of losing him if you learn that each other have clashing values (e.g. if he doesn't value virginity, but you do). But by guarding this information about yourself, you are missing out. Not only will being open about yourself allow you to find a compatible man, it will be attractive because it will show that you are confident about who you are and how you choose to live your life. You need to be comfortable with the idea of losing a guy before you can be open enough to attract him. In fact, often when a man seems turned off by a girls virginity, it isn't her virginity that is the problem; it's her insecurity.

Since having confidence in your life decisions is more easily said than done, it can help to know that most guys won't think you are weird for being a virgin; and if a guy is put off by it, it is because he wasn't that into you to begin with.

3.  How should you tell guys you are dating that you are a virgin?

In order to answer this question, we need to look more closely at what I mean by the topic "coming up naturally." This could happen fairly directly - for example, over dinner on a first date, if he is bold enough to bring up sex and the conversation takes a natural path towards sexual experience. But more than likely, it will happen when you are in bed together and you shut him down when tries to take things to a sexual level. The first few times this happens, he will probably just attribute it to you not being ready for sex. But eventually, he is going to start wondering and he will probably ask you about it. At that point, here is a good way to navigate the conversation that is likely to follow:

You: "No, that's going too far, we need to slow down."
Him: "Really? I mean, we've been through this several times, and we've been dating for three months now... Are you... are you a virgin?"
You: "Yeah"
Him: "I thought so."
You: "Yeah, I mean, getting close to having sex makes me a little uncomfortable, just because I've never had sex before, so I am not surprised that you noticed."
Him: "Wow, so you've never had sex before?"
You: "Haha nope."
Him: "Haha never?!? That's crazy - why not?"
You: "[insert your personal reasoning here and - if it is true- explain that you aren't opposed to having sex with the right guy]"
Him: "Yeah well I respect that" [Note: Almost every guy will say this. Yes, as you suspect, it's at least half bullshit. If he really respected, it, he'd still be a virgin himself. He says this to make you feel better about the situation, which he probably suspects is a little awkward for you.]
You: "So, umm... can we continue making out now? I was kind of enjoying that..."

Otherwise the conversation could come up somewhat randomly - say, while you are sitting on the couch together watching TV. If he brings up something related to sex, for example, the conversation might require you to point out that you are a virgin. In that case, go ahead and do so. I'll use a "tough" example. Assume that you are 23 and he is 24:

Him: "Haha today at work me and the guys were talking about sex, and this one guy, Paul - actually you know him, you met him at Jessica's party - anyway, he's kind of a ladies' man, but somehow it came up that he didn't lose his virginity until he was 23!"
You: "Wow, that's pretty late..." [your heart starts beating a little faster, sensing that the question might come up any moment now. The gears in your head start spinning, thinking about how you can avoid it. Try to ignore both reactions.]
Him: "Yeah, I couldn't believe it. I mean, I am pretty tame when it comes to sleeping with girls, and I lost mine when I was 19. Actually, I even thought that was late..." [your nerves kick in even more, knowing that he considers 19 "late." But this is also where you choose to engage the topic, in spite of your fear.]
You: "19 isn't that late, but 23 definitely is later than normal... Haha you don't know this about me, but I am actually still a virgin."
Him: "Wait, what - really? You're kidding. You're 23; how are you still a virgin??"
You: "Well, see... in my teens I was super horny and I didn't want STDs or a baby before getting married, so I had my doctor sew up my vagina."
Him: "Haha WTF?!?"
You: "I'm kidding! No, ok, I mean, I don't know, I guess most of the guys that have been interested in sex were clearly only interested in sex. I am not waiting for Mr. Perfect, but I am too proud to let a guy bang me when I know he is just going to take off afterwards. I mean come on... So yeah, my criteria are a little higher than most girls' and it just hasn't happened yet."
Him: "I guess that makes sense. I really respect that."
You: "Good. So anyway, what else happened today at work?"

The point is that, even if it feels like a big deal and you are nervous, just "jump in" and tell him. Even if he reacts as if it's a big deal, your reaction will set the tone more than his. No matter what he says, maintain a tone of voice that says "yeah, I am a virgin... So?" Also, if you need the motivation to "jump in," know that it's better to be the one to say it first (as in the example above) than to only "admit" it after he pries it out of you. This looks insecure, and as we discussed earlier: insecure < virgin.

4. How do you know when to give your virginity to a guy?

This is another question that betrays somewhat of the wrong attitude. If you have to ask it, it suggests that you don't know why you are a virgin. If you knew why you are a virgin, you would also know under what circumstances you are willing to stop being a virgin. The two go hand in hand. If you don't want to have sex until you fall in love, then have sex once you fall in love. If you don't want to have sex until marriage, then have sex after you get married. If you don't want to have sex until X happens, have sex only after X happens. Not having had sex until X happens might be a little counter-cultural, but it beats the hell out of losing your virginity before X happens and living with the knowledge that a culture bullied you into it.

It isn't complicated. In fact, it is too simple to be the real issue behind the question. The danger, and the real reason girls ask the question, is that after several months or years of holding on to a principle (whether that be meeting an ideal lover or a moral code), you become frustrated at your inability to meet the criteria you set out for yourself. Maybe you haven't met the kind of guy you're willing to give your virginity to, or maybe you haven't gotten married yet. When this happens, the temptation is to either 

(a) blame that inability on the fact that you are a virgin, or
(b) convince yourself that your requirements for sex were exaggerated, and then sleep with the next guy who comes along to prove to yourself that you really believe it. 

Both are weak attempts to hide from the truth, which is that you failed to reach the situation in which you'd be comfortable having sex. That failure might not have been your fault, but it is the disappointing reality nonetheless, and this is where questions about "how do you know when..." creep in. So my advice is this: don't compromise your ideal; figure out what you have to do to live up to that ideal, and start working towards it. Rise to the challenge. Yes, there is such a thing as having unrealistic expectations, and you should give some thought to this, but be careful of falling into situation (b), above.

Related Posts
1. What Men Think About Your Virginity
2. What Men Think About Your Sexual History
3. Never Tell a Guy When You'll Have Sex With Him

The Economics of Sex

A reader recently posted a link to a video that captures, in extremely clear terms, a phenomenon that has been implicit (and at times, explicit) in everything I write on this blog. It is a video that discusses sexual economics, and more importantly, their implications for dating and relationships. Here it is:

I cannot recommend this video highly enough. Especially for anyone encountering this blog or its ideas for the first time, it gives an important insight into one of the biggest differences between men and women in dating and relationships (I believe bigger ones exist, but this is a great starting point for discovering them). Even regular readers can benefit by watching this video, because it articulates clearly and concisely ideas that are well-worth solidifying in your mind; and hearing them in such clear and concise terms will do exactly that.

With that said, I do want to point out two minor disagreements I have with the video, though I only feel the need to do so because I agree so completely with the rest:

(a) I think the video focuses too much on the pill as the source of the disparity between supply and demand, rather than on certain philosophical undercurrents in Western society, or mans' access to pornography - both of which are at least as responsible (if not more so) for the phenomena the video describes.

(b) It suggests that "affirming desirability" is a sexual motivation for women, but not for men (1:28). This is simply untrue. Yes, men bang women because an orgasm feels better in a vagina than in their hand; but a big part of that "better feeling" is actually pride: it is either the satisfaction of the woman's affirmation, or the affirmation from their guy friends upon sharing the story with them. I do, however, agree with their point that women tend to be motivated by the intimacy of sex more than men; and as I've suggested before, I also think that feeling desired is a greater sexual motivation for women than it is for men.* So I don't think this criticism detracts from the video's larger point that men and women have different motivations for sex.

To give credit where credit is due, the video was made by the Austin Institute for The Study of Family and Culture. I don't know anything more about their organization than what they have written on their "About Us" page, but I also don't care. I am just glad someone made the video.

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* I don't think this is because women are more emotionally needy than men (as one might infer). I am convinced that it is because men are more desirous of carnal sexual pleasure. So as a woman, there is simply more sexual desire to be received.


Related Posts
1. The Analogy Between Sex and Commitment
2. Women Get to Play Out of Their League
3. Men and Sexual Variety
4. 5 Ways Men Misunderstand Women

There Is Nothing Modest About Loose Jeans

Every now and then I meet or see a girl wearing loose jeans. By "loose" I don't mean that the crotch is sagging around her knees, I just mean that there are places on her hips, ass and upper legs where the fabric is not touching her skin. I suspect that girls do this for one of three reasons:

(a) They think their figure isn't attractive enough to wear tight jeans.
(b) The think that tight jeans are immodest.
(c) They don't care about their appearance and loose jeans are more comfortable.

I realize I won't convince group (c) of anything, so I am only going to address (a) and (b). Let's start with group (a)...

No matter how fat you are, or how badly your ass is shaped, loose jeans make it look worse. Tight jeans might not make your ass or legs look good, but loose jeans will make you look like a man.

As for the group concerned with modesty: you need a reality check. Tight jeans are not provocative; they are normal. Despite what your parents probably raised you to believe, modesty is not something objective. What looks "appropriate" or "slutty" or "conservative" changes significantly depending on two things: context and social norms.

If you were to walk down the street of your city in a bikini in the middle of winter it would shock people and look slutty. Any man who saw it would be turned on. But on the beach, bikinis are normal. Men are much less turned on by them because they are expected. They don't look slutty at all. This is what I mean by context.

In Victorian times, swimsuits were less-revealing than most women's dresses are today. Today, swimsuits are more revealing than most women's underwear in Victorian times. Dress-like swimsuits didn't seen slutty or over-conservative in Victorian times, and neither do bikinis today. This is what I mean by social norms.

Here is the thing: modesty isn't a function of the quantity of skin you show, or the tightness of the clothes you wear; it is defined by how much your outfit makes men (or people in general) think that sex with you is imminent. The more you incite in men the thought that they can bang you easily, the less modest your outfit is. This is why short dresses are so much more sexual than pants. Men see you in a short dress and part of their subconscious recognizes that your vagina is essentially exposed (i.e. from the bottom). Sex seems much more accessible and immediate because there is only one thin layer of clothing covering the most sexually intimate part of your body.

But the threshold for triggering a man's thoughts of sexual proximity - the criterion for immodesty - is entirely relative to social norms and context. The man on the beach doesn't think sex is imminent when he sees you wearing a bikini, because every woman on the beach is wearing in a bikini, and he knows it is for swimming or sunbathing. But in 1910, if a man saw a woman on the beach in a bikini, he'd be sure that she was a woman of loose morals - and he'd probably be right.

Anyway, the point here is that wearing tight jeans in everyday American life is about as shocking as wearing a bikini on the beach in 2014. And wearing loose jeans in everyday American life is far more similar than you think to wearing a Victorian bathing costume to a Las Vegas pool party. Perhaps more importantly, when you use your clothes rather than your behavior to be modest, you are far more similar than you think to the girls who use their clothes rather than their behavior to get sexual attention. Don't be so sure that you are more intelligent just because you made the mistake about modesty rather than sexuality.

Is there an opposite extreme, where tight jeans start to look like a bikini on a Victorian-era beach (i.e. slutty)? Yeah, probably, but that's not the point - there are always excesses on both extremes. Today I happen to be calling out the conservatives.

So remember: wearing loose jeans doesn't avoid the wrong kind of attention; it just makes you look terrible.


Related Posts
1. "The Wrong Kind of Attention"
2. How to Get "The Right Kind of Attention"
3. Don't Wear Sneakers
4. The Most Important Time to Dress Well

Men and Sexual Variety

I recently met up with a friend for a couple drinks at a local bar. Part of our conversation went something like this:

Me: Good to see you again man, you haven't been out in forever.

Friend: I know, my girlfriend is away for the next couple weeks, and I was getting bored of being home alone.

Me: Oh yeah, how are things going with her?

Friend: It's good man, I just don't know... it's been a year and I'm starting to get kinda itchy.

Me: Yikes, you should probably go get that checked out.

Friend: HA! No, no, not itchy as in herpes, itchy as in restless. My eyes keep wandering. I keep wondering if I should end it and look for someone else.

Me: Oh OK, gotcha... but wait, really? From what Greg [his roommate, a mutual friend of ours] tells me, she treats you like a king.

Friend: Dude, no, it's true - she is awesome. She does everything I can possibly want. She never says no to sex, she cleans my apartment, she cooks food for me, she is fun to be around - everything.

Me: Sounds like a keeper. So what's the problem?

Friend: I want to fuck other girls.

Me: Ha! of course you do, you are a man; you're always going to feel like that.

Friend: Arghh, man, I KNOW. But it is really bothering me. I mean, she does everything I want. She wakes up before me in the morning to cook me breakfast, she cleans my room for me - she even cleans Greg's room sometimes. I tell her to give me a blowjob, she gives me an amazing blowjob. I tell her I am going to put it in her butt, she just asks me to use extra lube. She picked me up from the airport recently wearing a thong and an overcoat, then we fucked the second we walked in the house.

Me: Damn, that is awesome... I've never really had a girl like that.

Friend: I know man, but even with all of that, I still want to fuck other girls. Like, I would even fuck a girl less hot than her, just for the variety.

Me: Yeah... I know exactly what you mean, sometimes you just want something new. Even a smoking hot girl gets old after... well, not even after very long, you know?

Friend: Yeah man, seriously! You always have those illusions of 'the perfect girl'  - the one who you'd always be happy with and attracted to, but the fact is that the illusions wouldn't last; eventually you'd get used to her too.

Me: It's that animal instinct, man. When the hunt is over the thought of a new body starts to creep into the back of your mind - a new body with new curves, new hair and new lips... we are wired to feel that way. If men didn't want to fuck as much as we do, humans wouldn't have evolved anywhere near as quickly as we have. It's just our genetics trying to propagate the species.

Friend: Exactly. Gotta spread that seed! Hahaha, I'm just thinking about doing what mother nature wants me to do. All natural, baby.

Me: Hahah yeah but I mean, the thing is, cheating on your girl isn't going to fix the problem, it is just going to postpone it. You'd get a new girl and start to feel the same restlessness with her too.

Friend: Yeah man. I guess you are right, it just kinda sucks.

Me: Well, yeah it sucks, and at this point in my life I avoid that problem mostly by avoiding relationships in general. But I like to think that there is a girl out there that I'll like enough that I will be willing to suppress those instincts for - at least enough to get over that initial difficulty. I haven't found her yet, but it's conceivable someone like that exists. I think you just need to decide if your girl now is "that girl" for you.

Friend: Yeah maybe that's true. We'll see what happens.
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I am sure some women would try to attribute my friends' restlessness to his girlfriend being too easy or boring - and there might even be some truth to either or both of those suggestions. However, the fact remains that men will always want to have sex with multiple women. Most men successfully hide this from their wives or girlfriends (out of respect for them), and a good number of men will never act on those impulses, either because they don't know how to, are afraid of what will happen if they do, or because they realize that their sexual impulses are never going to go away, so they learn to live with and control them. But all of us feel that drive.

Related Posts
1. The Male Sex Drive Always Recharges
2. Don't Let Pornography Become Your Substitute
3. What Men Think About Your Sexual History
4. The Female's Internal Conflict

What You Should Know About STDs

If your parents or guardians haven't taught you anything about men, they've probably also neglected to teach you about your sexual health. Whether you are planning to whore yourself out, sleep with a few men you love, or only have sex with your husband, it makes sense to learn about STDs. Some are serious enough to pose a real threat to your well-being and others have enough of a social stigma that they are worth taking precautions to avoid. Over the years I've had a couple scares and near-misses with STDs, and have done a lot of research because of it. There is really no reason not to know the following:

1. In the U.S., you can safely assume that every sexually active guy you are having sex with has some strain of HPV. The CDC states that "At least 50% of sexually active people will have genital HPV at some time in their lives." A lot of these strains don't have symptoms, but some are linked to cervical cancer, others to genital warts. There is an immunization for women that protects against some of the common strains. If you are considering sleeping with a guy who has been sexually active, but haven't gotten this immunization, you are an either an idiot, reckless, or uneducated. Hopefully this post precludes the latter.

2. Any skin-to-skin contact in the genital region can transmit STDs - Herpes, HPV, probably some other shit too. A condom only prevents the contact of the outside of his shaft with the inside of your vagina. The rest of your genital area ends up touching your partner's, unless you are having really boring sex.

3. Bodily fluids do not need to be exchanged inside the vagina or mouth to transmit an STD. If he has an STD and his hand touches his penis, then moves down to fondle your clitoris or finger you - guess what? If you are having a threesome and he fingers the other girl (who has an STD), then puts on a condom with his unwashed hands, and bangs you while wearing it - guess what? You get the idea.

4. The term "STDs" collects into a single category several things that are hugely different. If you have until now thought of HIV and Gonorrhea, or HPV and Syphilis as the same general type of thing (i.e. something nasty you get from fucking around too much), you are hugely mistaken. Some can kill you, others are merely embarrassing. See #5.

5. A lot of STDs aren't a big deal. I got Chlamydia from the girl I lost my virginity to. In fact, it was transmitted the first time I ever had sex. This was because until shortly before then, I wasn't really planning on being sexually active, so I'd never bothered to educate myself. I freaked the fuck out when I started getting symptoms, only to learn very soon afterwards that it is completely curable, minimally annoying and has next to no health effects, as long as it is treated within a reasonable amount of time. I'd rather get it again than the flu. Other STDs are similarly mild, even if they aren't curable. The pictures you see when you search for information on STDs on the internet depict the extreme, atypical cases.

6. Men will fuck you even if they know they have STDs. I know guys who have done this. While to some it is abhorrent and unthinkable behavior, to others it isn't a big deal. While a lot of people could benefit from understanding just how minor many STDs really are, it is always easier not to get any if you can avoid them, and to do so, you have to look out for yourself. By not fucking random guys, you will eliminate the vast majority of men who are indifferent to your sexual health.

7. No one ever asks guys if they have STDs. Only one woman has ever asked me this before having sex, ever. She was older than me, and therefore probably more confident than other women. You aren't the only one who wants to avoid the awkwardness of asking, though there is probably some prescience in keeping quiet too, since the guys who have STDs but are still trying to bang you would probably lie about it anyway.

8. Women are more affected by STDs than men. The symptoms are often harder to detect, the effects are more severe, and the male-to-female transmission rates are higher than female-to-male. If you apply the same nonchalance to STDs as your male counterparts, don't be surprised when the effects hit you harder.

9. In the U.S., blacks have disproportionately higher STD rates compared to other races. This might be partially because blacks recognize the point I made in #5, and therefore take fewer precautions - I really don't know. Whatever the case, the statistics are unequivocal. Although it is unquestionably discrimination to judge a person based on the color of their skin, you can dramatically reduce your chances of contracting something if you do so. This point is not just directed at white people or Asians. Even if you are black it applies - by sleeping around within your own race, you will significantly increasing your odds of contracting an STD.

10. Men are less likely to date you if they know you have STDs. This sort of goes without saying, but you are far more likely to get sympathy or understanding from a guy who has slept around than from a guy who has not. Finding a guy who is (or was) a player might be your best bet. Although then you might need to be just as understanding about his STDs...

Don't Try to Be One of The Guys

TIME and TIME again I meet girls that try to set themselves apart from other women by identifying with men, hanging out with men and professing to be OK with all the fucked up stuff guys do to girls. This takes many forms. Here are some of the more common examples:

• Having only or mostly guy friends
• Claiming that "girls are too bitchy and emotional, guys are just easier to get along with"
• Laughing at stories about guys treating girls like shit
• Scoffing at girls that get upset or "overreact" when a guy breaks up with them
• Being proud of the ability to drink a lot, or to drink strong liquor
• Pretending to be OK with just hooking up or just having sex with a guy
• Being proud of her one night stands, and telling stories about them openly
• Not making demands of a potential boyfriend because "it's no big deal"

Yes, these things do get positive responses from men. However, in the same sense that any attention is not necessarily good attention (a lesson many men need to learn), any attraction is not necessarily romantic or even sexual attraction. The men that laugh at these comments or encourage your drinking feel the same kind of attraction for you that they feel for their buddies: casual, asexual, platonic camaraderie. If this sounds like the kind of attention you want from men, keep it up.

To put the phenomenon in perspective, consider a guy that tries to attract you by constantly identifying with you, hanging out only with girls, and professing to like the things girls like or do. I have witnessed a lot of men who do exactly this. For example,

• Talking with girls about how "guys can be such assholes" (implying, of course, that he is different - which is probably true enough, but really beside the point)
• Being the shoulder for the girl to cry on when the guy she actually likes rejects her
• Admitting that he likes sentimental movies and even that cries sometimes because he is sensitive
• Pretending he likes the same music as a girl, even if it is gay
• Pretending that he cares more about her personality than her appearance - or at least (because it is at least conceivable that some men do care less for looks than personality), pretending he cares less about looks than he really does

All of this behaviour - in both men and women - is rooted in projection but ultimately is caused by a failure to differentiate between romantic and platonic affection. When you act like a man and constantly try to identify with him, you will attract him no more than the actions that I've just described attract you.

As obvious as it is, I think it bears repeating that men are attracted to women, not men. While they might complain about a girl who is "too emotional" or "a prude," there are ways of correcting feminine faults without reverting to masculine behavior.

What Men Think About Your Sexual History

No guy wants to date a whore. No guy likes the fact that his girlfriend (or potential girlfriend) has slept with a lot of other guys. Most guys want women who are sexually comfortable and have some experience, but the same men simultaneously prefer a woman who hasn't been sexually intimate with other men. Consider an excerpt from the post Don't Fuck On the First Date:

...when it comes to a potential spouse, guys don’t like the idea of a sexual relationship being “easy” any more than girls. We want to know that our date, or girlfriend, or spouse is a woman who is unobtainable to most if not all of the other men in her league. We don’t want to work for it per se, but we do want the kind of girl that guys of our caliber need to work for. We know that the best things in life never come easily, so if a girl let us have sex with her on the first date, it shatters the perception that she is someone unobtainable to other men.

The reality, of course, is that it is extremely rare to find a woman who is (a) a virgin, but also (b) open-minded in bed, confident with her naked body, knows what a guy likes in bed, etc. For better or worse, the latter qualities are the product of experience, and therefore preclude the former as a real possibility. Men know this, and are therefore willing to accept some degree of a girl's sexual history in exchange for some degree of her experience: we actually prefer a girl that has had sex with X number of guys because it means she will have A, B, and C qualities in bed.

The idea trade-off will be different for every guy, but the extremes - wanting a virgin or a whore - are rare enough that they aren't worth striving for - at least not if you want to attract a typical American guy. If you want a very religious man, he will probably prefer a virgin and you should plan accordingly; and there are even guys out there that will actually prefer a girl whose legs have been perpetually open. The thing to remember is that your typical American man wants a girl with some experience, but less than most girls in her demographic. So when it comes to choosing how many men to sleep with, always lag what is deemed "acceptable."

While I don't claim that my taste in women is representative of the average American (I do think it is reasonably close), I can tell you that my preference is a girl who has had sex with between 2 and 6 guys. Ideally, one of these would have been a drunken one-night stand, and another would be with a guy that took her on a few dates, had sex with her, and then bailed (so that she would have these experiences to better understand men - even if only to pass the lesson on to our daughters if we were to marry). The rest would hopefully have been men that she was dating seriously. Remember, these sexual encounters are good in spite of not because of what they imply about the girl (i.e. because of the lessons learned and experience). And remember that this is only my preference; the bolded sentence above is the generalized truth.

Now, all of this being said, there are a few interesting things to note:

1. Promiscuous men will be lenient in their expectations. You may have encountered men who claim to have sex with lots of women, but in their next breath demand virginity from girls they will actually respect. This attitude is not the norm. Most guys project their own standards onto women, in the same way that women project their own standards onto men. While a guy who has slept with 30 women won't prefer the same number from the girls he dates, he will identify and empathize with her decision to sleep around, and will therefore not mind as much.

2. You can't change your number, but you can change your attitude. Men know that although being a whore is more or less defined by how promiscuous a girl has been, what really makes being a whore troublesome (STDs aside) is the attitude that accompanies it. This is the attitude that says "I don't place any value on my physical or emotional health" and/or "I am insecure and need to be shown frequent affection from men, or constantly prove to myself how attractive they find me." This attitude can be changed. If you are reading this and are getting worried that the kind of guys you want will be disgusted by the number of guys you've slept with, you probably have the necessary motivation.

3.  Don't tell him how many guys you've slept with. Some guys will ask and others won't, for various reasons ranging from interest to insecurity. If he asks, I suggest you leave him in the dark. If your number is low, tell him it is "low," but don't give him a number. If it is high, just don't tell him. It does no good whatsoever to share this kind of information, aside from being slightly more open with him - but the same openness can be affected in other ways. However, the bad it does is two-fold:

• It makes more real and concrete in his mind the sexual experiences you've had with other men. Instead of being some vague, notional set of guys you've rolled around in the sheets with, it becomes X distinct sexual encounters with real men, to whom you felt some physical or emotional connection, either of which may have been better than the connection you have with him.
• If you have changed your attitude as described above, telling him your number only serves to connect your new self more strongly to the old self that slept around. Keeping that tie severed works in your favor.

I suggest saying something along these lines if you are questioned:

"Really? You actually want to know? Weird. I am not going to tell you anyway, but why would you care? No good can come from that conversation. Think about it."

And then if it is appropriate, explain the reasoning I give above. Most guy won't freak out if you don't tell them, but you should emphasize the reasoning given here as your motivation for silence, rather than letting his imagination wander and concluding that you must have a number so high that it can't be spoken.


Related Posts
1. How to Look Good During Sex
2. The Analogy Between Sex and Commitment
3. Never Tell a Guy When You'll Have Sex with Him
4. How to Turn a Guy Down for Sex

What Every Girl's Mother Should Be Telling Her

I've been traveling and busy with other parts of my life recently, hence the shortage of posts. There are plenty more in the works, but for now, I highly recommend that you check out Hooking Up Smart, and specifically, a recent post that coalesces two strong pieces of advice for any girl looking for a lasting relationship:

http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2011/11/10/hookinguprealities/rooshs-brotherly-advice/

If you've read it before, do the world a favor by forwarding it to your sisters and girlfriends, because the odds are that no one else will pass along that information if you don't. It could conceivably change their lives.

Don't Fuck on The First Date

You'd think that this one would be obvious, as hackneyed as the admonition is, but I’ve actually had some girls be genuinely surprised that we didn’t end up in a relationship after having sex with me on the first date. This "rule" is also a good springboard for addressing the general topic of female promiscuity, which has a huge impact on female attractiveness - whether or not it "should."

This is how it works: a lot of guys are looking for someone to have a serious relationship with, but most of us have also dated girls that have ultimately turned out to be less than what we were looking for. After weeks or months of effort, the relationship ends and although both parties may walk away having learned a few lessons, the time is largely wasted. It takes dozens of these attempts to meet someone that sparks a deep and genuine interest. Given those odds, and the amount of investment required to decide if any given female could be a girlfriend, fiancé or spouse, you can imagine the cynicism most men have going into a first date (I am continually surprised that I am not more cynical). If you couple this consideration with the intense pleasure of sexual intercourse, there is essentially zero chance that a man will refuse sex on a first date if he has the chance: sure, she could be “the one,” but statistically speaking, she probably won’t be, and it definitely isn’t worth turning down easy sex to find out.

Now, with that backdrop, when it comes to a potential spouse, guys don’t like the idea of a sexual relationship being “easy” any more than girls. We want to know that our date, or girlfriend, or spouse is a woman who is unobtainable to most if not all of the other men in her league. We don’t want to work for it per se, but we do want the kind of girl that guys of our caliber need to work for. We know that the best things in life never come easily, so if a girl let us fuck on the first date it shatters the perception that she is someone unobtainable to other men.

I completely understand and agree with the notion that women want sexual pleasure just as much as men, and I am aware that “giving it up” on the first date is not always giving it up so much as it is “getting it.” If that is your goal, then of course this is a different matter altogether and you are free to do that. But understand that it will not make you desirable to men. Men can do it and maintain (or sometimes increase) their attractiveness; women cannot. I acknowledge that this is holding women and men to a different standard, but in this case it is appropriate because men and women are different in this respect.

Men are built to be sexually promiscuous – or at least, we are built so that we can be sexually promiscuous. There is little risk for a man when it comes to sex: he doesn’t need to worry about pregnancy. Even if he is not using a condom, he can control when (and if not when, where) he ejaculates. As a last resort, he is able to walk away from the woman and leave her to deal with the pregnancy. This is a repulsive thing to do and no one denies this – probably not even the men who do it. But it can be done and it is done. Sexually transmitted diseases and infections have a significantly higher male-to-female transmission rate than they do from females to males, and the effects are worse for women than they are for men. There is also the factor of physical strength: if a woman goes to bed with a man she thinks she likes, she is far less able to then change her mind, for fear of rape. A man, on the other hand, has no such problems: sex for him is very low-risk. The result of this fact is that, historically, men have taken the offense in all matters sexual; we are the pursuers. Because we are more sexually liberated by nature, we seek sexual relationships more frequently. Historically the active role in relationships has fallen on our shoulders, while women have assumed the passive role. This is the case elsewhere in nature as well, for the same reasons.

It is only because Western culture in recent history has emphasized the equality of the sexes that some women see this dynamic in a negative light, and get upset about a double standard. The notion that a man should protect his wife and children, or that he should not abandon a woman he impregnates, or even that he should leave the toilet seat down when females are in the house; these notions are all rooted just as deeply in sexual differences, but because they don't place a burden on females, no objections are raised. Don’t get me wrong, if I were a woman I would be a little pissed off that sex was less socially acceptable for me than it is for a man. But there are balances to this phenomenon: women have far more opportunities to have sex than men, and thereby are able to have sex with higher quality partners. You won’t find many girls that have had sexual partners uglier than themselves, but you’ll find an endless list of guys that have – in fact, there is a contingent of men that usually only have sex with girls less attractive than themselves. This is a product of the same phenomenon: because men can have low-risk sex, women are far more in-demand for sexual relationships, and therefore have more and better options. Men may be able to get laid more often, or at least, with more partners; but women often get to sleep with men that are out of their league. It is a matter of quality versus quantity, and I think there is a lot to be said for both, to the point that I am not convinced that either one is an advantage – they are just corollaries of the same phenomenon.

A woman is judged negatively for having promiscuous sex because it takes no skill or effort on her part; all that is required is her assent. There will never be a deficit of sexually willing and attractive men from which she can select if she chooses. A man, on the other hand, has to work hard or be very lucky (or be rich, which is actually the product of the two) in order to get women of his own caliber into bed. This is because the women willing to have casual sex so are few(er) and far(ther) between. (Consider for a moment that no one respects a man who always sleeps with women that are way below his standards – everyone considers this repulsive.)

Some women will read all of this and think it is horrible and misogynist, while others will simply nod their heads in agreement. In fact, and perhaps unfortunately, which of those camps you fall into doesn't matter when it comes to the practical aspect of this phenomenon, because - opinions aside - the fact remains that men will judge you harshly for being too easy to sleep with. So the practical advice is simple: if you want a man to respect you, don't do it.


Related Posts
1. What Men Think About Your Sexual History
2. Never Tell a Guy When You'll Have Sex With Him
3. How to Turn Down a Guy For Sex
4. Men and Sexual Variety