Texting Tip 3 - When Should You Reply?

Since I've already explained how you should reply to a man's texts, the obvious follow-up is to explain when to reply to a man's texts.

You've probably heard all kinds of suggestions from other girls about how long to wait before replying to a text from a guy you like. Some claim you should always wait 15 minutes, others insist on only replying to every other text, while others still dismiss "playing games" as ridiculous and advocate replying however you feel like in the moment. Ignore all of this advice. It will either make you come across as needy and too easy, or else cold and too distant.

In order to time your texts so that you convey your best self, you will need to be two things: genuine and realistic. Being genuine will prevent you from seeming uninterested or boring, while being realistic will prevent you from seeming desperate. Furthermore, your authenticity will show a man your true self, while your realism will keep in check your tendency to be too forthcoming. Let me elaborate...

Genuine. If you get a text from a guy that you like, and you genuinely have a free moment to reply, don't play games by artificially prolonging your response. This might be "successful" in the sense that it will occasionally keep a man on the hook for a time, but this is only because he wants to prove that you want him; it doesn't make him enjoy you any more. In addition, the whole "hard to get" charade is far too easy to overdo, and you risk making yourself appear uninterested - or worse, cold and boring. So when he texts, answer him naturally, genuinely, authentically. If you find yourself thinking "I don't feel like replying right now," or "I'll get to it later," then don't reply at all, or tell him (tactfully) that you don't want to pursue a relationship. You probably shouldn't have given him your number in the first place.  

Realistic. If you are really excited about the guy who is texting you, or if you are just excited to be getting any attention from a guy, you need to resist your temptation to indulge in communicating with him (anticipating his texts, reading them, replying, and anticipating the next one). This excitement seems like a small thing; but when you are dropping everything immediately upon receiving a text notification, or constantly checking your phone just to make sure you didn't miss the latest message from him, you start to realize how much you are allowing a merely potential relationship to monopolize your priorities. In these cases, you need a healthy dose of realism. Unless you are months into a serious relationship, there is no way that know whether or not things will work out with this guy; so it is ridiculous to interrupt what you are doing every time your phone goes off. When you do this, you are reacting to your imagination and wishful thinking, not to reality.

By embracing these two principles simultaneously, you will achieve the attitude that texting "rules" seek to emulate. Yeah, sure, maybe it will mean that you occasionally seem a little over-excited to get his text (because you happen to be checking your messages when his comes in), or a bit distant (because you were ignoring your phone while studying for ten hours, and his text came in right after you started); but you will only seem so in the short term. No single text you send will represent to him your attitude, so no single response time will matter completely. (Though if it does take you hours to reply, it is worth acknowledging this by giving a quick explanation; though an apology isn't usually warranted - if it had been urgent he should have called.)

A good way to strike this balance is to text the men you are dating in the same way that you regularly text your acquaintances  friends or family. Would you bring your phone into to the gym with you - even though you normally don't - in order to be available for a text that your female coworker might or might not send you? Then why are you doing it for the random (albiet hot) guy who got your number at the bar last night? Would you interrupt your studies for the big exam tomorrow to check a text that you suspect is from your mom, asking how your day was? Then why are you doing it for a guy who (for all you know so far) might be married or have incompatible politics? Would you delay your response for an additional 15 minutes, or occasionally not reply at all in a text conversation with your little brother? Then why do you feel the need to do it with your cute coworker who you really like and suspect might be into you? Treat these men like the mere friends or acquaintances that they are, until they become something more - at which point text games won't be necessary anyway.

A final note: if a guy seems to be playing games with you, artificially delaying his responses or skipping texts (yes, guys do this stuff too sometimes), I still suggest replying authentically and realistically. But after 4 or 5 late and unexplained texts, feel free to ignore him. He's either a player or not interested enough, and either way you do best to forget about him.


Related Posts
1. Other Texting Tips
2. Should You Give a Guy Your Last Name?
3. Living Vulnerably

When Your Ex Contacts You...

Hello there Andrew,

I reached out to you about three months ago regarding a man that had recently left me after three years. Well you will be happy to know that I have been dating and self-improving like its my job ;). Your keen advice had a major impact on the manner in which I handled the rejection.

So, my ex-boyfriend sent me a text message last week. It was one of those "Hey, thinking about you, just want to say Hi, how are you?" kind of text messages. Not wanting to sound bitter or unhappy, I gave him a three-word reply. He asked another question and I again gave him a very short reply. He stopped texting after that brief interaction.

Part of me is wondering if that was his attempt to hang out with me again and if he was testing the waters with a text message?

I gave him very uninterested answers which he caught onto quickly. Odds are he will not be trying to contact me anymore but I would really like to see him so that I can show-off a little bit. If my motives are not wanting to get back together but reminding him what he gave up, am I exempt from the "cutting him off rule"? Can I contact him in a few weeks to meet up somewhere casual?

Thank you for reading this!! ;)

Brooke
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Brooke,

Wow. This is the perfect example of how you are supposed to handle a man who contacts you after he breaks up with you. So many women would have gotten back in touch with him before he popped up again, or responded to his text with much more than three words. But you played it perfectly - I am impressed.

By the way, wasn't it so much sweeter getting that text after three months of silence than it would have been if you'd been in contact all along? There is absolutely no ambiguity about the fact that he contacted you for the sole reason that he was thinking about you, wondering how you were, and maybe even questioning whether or not he made the right decision in ending the relationship. The clarity of that fact is beautiful.

Now, in terms of showing him what he's missing, I'd be careful about asking him to hang out with you. True, you might sit there and tell him that everything is going fine (i.e. without him) - and it might even be true, as it is in your case. But he could easily misinterpret the fact that you wanted to spend time with him after only three months. After six months or a year, your desire to meet him would be more obviously a case of platonic curiosity about what he's been up to since you last talked. But after only three months, the fact that you made time to see him might outweigh the indifference you demonstrate in a face-to-face setting. So I suggest sidelining that idea for a few months (though I'm willing to bet that by then you won't care what he thinks; you'll probably just be genuinely curious to see what he's been doing).

The more important point, however, is that your silence already speaks volumes - especially because you never once broke it. Your replies, and in particular their brief and unmoved, matter-of-fact tone also communicated to him how much you've moved on. If you hadn't replied at all, he would have assumed that you were so upset or heartbroken that you couldn't bring yourself to talk to him (which would have been a fine way to handle the situation if this had been the case). And if you'd replied with more enthusiasm or tried to engage him in conversation, he would have assumed that you were still in love with him and trying to get him back. In either case, his ego would have swelled, even in spite of any feelings of sympathy or guilt he had. But your brief replies were at once so casual and indifferent that you can be sure his ego was kept in check, probably even deflated. Moreover, he was acutely reminded of his decision to walk away from a confident woman who respects herself and now has a promising future.

As I said, I am impressed. I hope things continue to go well for you.

Good luck,
Andrew
______________________________________________

Update: I had another e-mail from Brooke shortly after the one above, telling me that her ex contacted her again the next day, this time on Facebook, and said "ugh, just read through our log of messages, it takes me back. miss you [pet name]. hope you are well, I miss you a lot! im sure you dont want to hear that but its true..." She did not indicate whether or not she would reply, but it was clear that she viewed this - rightly - as a personal victory (not a victory over him) rather than an opportunity to get back together with him.

Men make mistakes. It is up to you to help them realize it by showing what life is like without you.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup. In fact, this post has been improved and significantly expanded as one of the chapters, and I explain some important attitudes to foster when you engage him. Most importantly, I give examples of what you can say to him, tailored for various situations.


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1. Why Rejection Is a Good Thing
2. No, You Can't Be "Just Friends"
3. Cut Him Off

The Dynamics of Dating Shy Men

A post I made about why women shouldn't take the initiative in relationships evoked some questions about how to deal with shy men - after all, shy men don't chase women, and are unlikely to initiate anything. If a girl doesn't approach or initiate contact with a shy man, nothing will happen. This is true, but handling this situation isn't as simple as you might think...

The first thing to do when you find yourself attracted to a shy man is to question your feelings for him. In other words, ask yourself "Am I attracted in spite of or because of his shyness?"

• If you like him because of his shyness, ask yourself further: why do you find shyness attractive in a man? Is that feeling authentic? Do you like his shyness only because you feel like you can't get a confident man? Do you not mind being more socially powerful than him? Women who are attracted to shy men are sometimes manifesting their need to feel dominance over a man (e.g. because they had an absent or abusive father). Other times they run to shy men after being rejected by a confident one (an "Asshole").
• If you like him in spite of his shyness, ask yourself further: could you respect a shy man? Would you admire him? In 10 years, will you still find it attractive? This is important because you need to know if his shyness will ultimately be an impediment to a serious relationship. If you know - deep down - that you could never be with a man who doesn't have the balls to pursue you, then you shouldn't waste your time with him (or waste his time with you).

If you answer these questions sincerely and still want to date him, you then face the problem of making it happen - or rather, making him make it happen.

I used to be shy. My little brother is shy (with girls). A very close friend of mine is extremely shy, and I know plenty of other guys that are shy. For me it is a familiar mindset. Shy guys, almost by definition, do not have the balls to initiate and pursue women. They fall outside of the predator-prey model for sexual interactions that is assumed in the "don't initiate contact" rule. So it is acceptable for you to initiate with a shy guy. But there are a couple caveats...

The problem with male shyness is that it wears off in specific situations. A shy man may never become courageous enough to approach women in general, but he can eventually grow comfortable with a girlfriend or wife. As the fear of the unknown dissipates with increased familiarity, a shy man's confidence in his interactions with you will rise. His masculine instincts will kick in, and in some cases you can end up with a man that acts towards you the same way that a confident man would have acted from the outset.

So, if you do choose to initiate, do so only during the early stages of dating, that is, until he builds his confidence and comfort around you. Once this happens, you will need to gradually assume a less assertive (more traditionally female) role, because he will then be more liable to get bored with you, wonder if he could do better, consider his other options (the perception of which his newly-found confidence will likely inflate), fool around, etc.

The second caveat is that even a shy man has pride. Though he knows his own limitations (as prescribed by his shyness), he also knows what a typical man is "supposed to do." So he recognizes, too, when you are doing it for him. This will offend him if you flaunt it, or if it is evident due simply to the social magnitude of the task you've assumed (for example, if you take his hand and lead him through a crowd). That offense will reflect negatively on you and the relationship. So be careful about how much (and which) initiative you take. Unfortunately there is no quantifiable or simple rule here, as his threshold for embarrassment will vary in proportion to his shyness and his pride, which are different in every man.

So how do you initiate? Well, for starters, in the early stages, you will need to give him blatant signs of your interest. Aside from their innate male tendency to overlook anything that isn't spelled out in black and white, shy men will by default doubt any sign of your affection. The reason for this is that shy men are more concerned with avoiding the social catastrophe of asking you out and failing than they are of getting you. This is what prevents them from taking the initiative in the first place. If they have even the slightest doubt about your intentions they will hold back. So whatever you would normally do to indicate your interest to a confident man, double or triple it for a shy man (in proportion to his shyness):

• If you would touch him lightly on the arm for 1.5 seconds, hold the contact for 4 or 5 seconds. 
• If you would hold eye contact with a confident man for 2 seconds to show him that you are interested, hold a shy man's gaze for 3 or 4 seconds, or do it repeated times. 
• If you would normally drop a single verbal hint that you'd like to hang out sometime, do it three times before expecting anything from a shy man.
• If you would normally expect a kiss on the second date from a confident man, wait until at least fifth or sixth to be kissed by a shy man - and in fact, you should probably just make this move yourself.

While I don't suggest that you overtly ask out a shy guy on an "official" date (this would too flagrantly undermine what he knows to be his role as described above), I do suggest that you suggest and then ask him to hang out under casual pretenses. Of course, he will question this over and over in his mind, wondering whether you were asking him to hang out just to be friends, or if you wanted something more. So show him that you want something more - ask repeatedly.

In general, you will need to carry the relationship up until the point that it is "official." When it has been established (or is otherwise clear) that the two of you are together, then you should start reducing your initiative and letting him take the reins. As I said, he will probably start to do this on his own anyway, so rather than forcing it, just be cognizant of the transition. Comments like "Oh, I thought you were going drive/get the tickets/plan the trip/[insert other traditionally masculine roles here]" can help in priming his confidence if it seems to be lagging and it bothers you.

Dating a shy man takes a lot of initial investment for an uncertain outcome. You will probably get frustrated at his lack of response to your initiatives. The biggest problem is that it won't be clear to you whether or not his unresponsiveness is a product of his shyness or his lack of interest in you - because it could be either one. Shy men have taste and standards too. His persistent willingness to hang out with you might be stem from a real interest, but it also might be a manifestation of his unfulfilled desire for female attention; he could just enjoy dabbling in the idea of a relationship but at the same time not like you enough to want anything serious with you. Unfortunately there is no easy way to discern his true intentions without putting yourself on the line over and over again, and seeing how he responds. This can be humiliating, frustrating, even infuriating, and it can ultimately still end in failure. (If nothing else, this will give you good insight into what it is like to be a man.)

While all of this sounds like it might be too difficult to deal with - and many women will come to that conclusion - it is worth pointing out that if you can navigate through the difficult aspects of attracting and dating a shy man, he is likely to be completely faithful to you. Due to the lack of female attention he has attracted or received, he is like an emotional spring that you will release. If you are looking for an abundance of devotion, he has it to give.

So, in conclusion, if you are interested in a shy man, start by questioning that feeling. If his shyness is not a deal-breaker for you, you can initiate, but you need to be careful about striking a balance between sending strong enough signals and not offending his masculine pride. It is a difficult tightrope to walk, but the consolation is that these men rarely receive attention from women, and have a lot of love and devotion to give you.


Related Posts
1. The More Confident He Is, The Less He Likes You
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Texting Tip 2 - How Should You Reply?

A reader recently asked

"...you said that a female should only be responding to a man's text. So, when responding, does she ask a question to keep the conversation rolling or just give an answer?"

This is a good question. In light of what I've written about not initiating contact, or cutting men off, I can see how a girl might think she should give only very short responses - or even ignore his texts sometimes, in order to see how hard he will persist to get a response.

However, if you extend that way of thinking to its logical conclusion, you end up with a situation in which you are essentially silent, and the man pursues you continually, with no feedback whatsoever. And of course, this would never happen, because after a couple weak responses, a man will simply accept the fact that he has been rejected and move on. This is not speculation; it happens to men all the time when they get phone numbers from girls who aren't all that interested in them. It's happened to me a few times. When a girl doesn't reply, the obvious conclusion is not "It's worth another shot because I really like her," it's "Fuck, well, she clearly isn't enthusiastic enough to continue talking... no sense trying again." Some guys will persist just because they figure they have nothing to lose, but a man who respects himself and has options won't try endlessly.

So there needs to be some kind of balance between not taking the initiative (which you shouldn't) and showing too little enthusiasm in your replies. I suggest you follow these rules:

1. Never initiate a text conversation
2. Always be enthusiastic in your responses
3. Give him an opportunity to continue the conversation any time he gives you one. 

In other words, follow his lead. If a man has taken the initiative, he has already demonstrated his interest, so there's no need to test him further (in that way, at least). He wants to engage you in conversation, so you need to give him positive feedback if you want the conversation to continue. Otherwise, he will read between the lines and give up. So be authentic; show your interest openly.

Take a look at the example in the picture, which is a text conversation I had a few days ago with a girl I met last Saturday night in Clarendon. She'd only been out in DC before, not in Clarendon (a DC suburb) hence the first text I sent the next day. Her text savvy is solid. Just to avoid any ambiguity, I've underlined in red the opportunities she provided for me to continue the conversation, and noted with "[No Question]" the one time when she did not offer such an opportunity. It probably wasn't a coincidence that she failed to do so right after I made a comment without giving her a lead (see rule #3, above).

Also notice her clear enthusiasm to be exchanging texts. She uses smiles and exclamation points liberally, and is fairly verbose in her replies. There are no single word answers, even when only a single word was strictly necessary. While you don't need to be be this enthusiastic to let a guy know you are interested, it is better to err on the side of more rather than less, especially when using such a bland communication medium (as opposed to talking on the phone or interacting in person).

I am not suggesting that you analyze each and every text a guy sends you, consider these rules, then calculate your responses. But I am suggesting that you use these rules to understand the general disposition that you should have towards a man who initiates a text conversation with you, and then use that disposition to guide your replies.


Related Posts
1. Don't Initiate Contact
2. Other Texting Tips
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Get Used to Rejection

If a man isn't getting rejected by women regularly, he will probably never find one that satisfies him. Because all women have different taste, men need to approach a large number of women that they find attractive in order to find one that reciprocates that attraction. This requires serious balls, thick skin, and persistence. I think most women appreciate this fact.

In general, a man has to get rejected many more times than a woman in order to succeed at dating. When a girl complains about a guy who stops returning her calls, my first instinct is to tell her "You think that's bad? I was rejected more times in the last month than you've been rejected in your entire life. Try being a dude for a week, then come back and complain to me." However, I don't, because I realize that the rejections a man endures - although no less damaging to his pride - are easier to bear in light of the knowledge that he can approach more women in order to find a new girl. A woman has less direct control over new dating opportunities. Although she can improve her chances by making herself more attractive, she can't just approach men at will without being seen as crazy or desperate. She has to wait until another man (that she likes) approaches her. Though she faces fewer rejections, she also faces fewer opportunities, so the rejections she does endure have more impact.

While women typically get rejected when a man walks away after an initial encounter or date, men typically get rejected when they approach. A woman has to have the courage to let the man walk away, while a man has to have the balls to approach in the first place. While men have to become confident enough to approach without knowing how a woman will respond, women have to become confident enough to let a man act according to his true feelings for her, without knowing whether he will stay with her or leave.

So although the nature of rejection is different for the two sexes, it is equally necessary for both. A man gains nothing from staying on his side of the street when a beautiful woman passes on the other; a woman gains nothing from perpetuating a relationship in which she constantly initiates. A man needs to initiate with the possibility of being rejected, and a woman has to let the man initiate, with the possibility of being rejected (i.e. the possibility that he will not initiate). Both sexes have to take risk and face rejection if they ultimately want success.

All of this is to make the point that rejection, while difficult for both sexes, is a necessary part of the dating landscape. You can't avoid it, so get used to it. As I've said before, if you aren't getting rejected, it probably means you aren't dating up to your potential. You are the only one responsible for your dating success. And like in all other aspects of life, you can increase that success by taking risks, enduring rejections, picking yourself back up and trying again.


Related Posts
1. Why Rejection Is a Good Thing
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Don't Initiate Contact

I wrote a similar post about not initiating contact after a guy breaks up with you. This is somewhat related, but deals instead with the beginning of a relationship. The underlying principles, however, are the same...

Women are forever trying to figure out a man's intentions by reading between the lines of texts, interpreting things he said, or things he didn't. This is usually too difficult to warrant the effort it takes, but it is entirely the wrong approach for another reason: there are all kinds of men that are willing and able to lie their way into a woman's pants - yes, even yours. If you find yourself having difficulty determining a man's level of interest because "first he said X, but then he said Y," or even if you know exactly what he is saying and are sure he is interested, stop yourself. What a man says is the worst possible indicator of his interest: you need to pay attention to what he does.

This is why it is so important for a woman to allow a man to initiate contact after an initial meeting, and even well into the relationship. I've heard a number of girls actually complain about this, apparently preferring a situation in which they wouldn't be stigmatized for chasing men, or even for taking the initiative in "small things" like the first phone call or date. (These complaints always come from women who don't get enough attention from men. If you fall into this category, I suggest you read the other posts.)

If men didn't try to sleep with lots of women with no strings attached, or if women didn't want stable relationships, then it is conceivable that women could approach men. But given the undeniable preferences of the two sexes, the situation couldn't be other than what it is. Women, who, on the whole, are more interested in stable relationships, necessarily assume a defensive position against men, who (again, on the whole) are more interested in casual sex than women.

A woman's "game" can be broken down into the following three parts:

1. Making herself as attractive as possible
2. Making herself approachable
3. Filtering out the men that just want to have sex with her from the men that want to date her

While there is a lot to learn about the first part of female game (optimizing attractiveness), there is just as much to learn about the latter part (filtering). Filtering is necessary because the men that a woman wants to date are a subset of the men that want to have sex with her, and by making herself more attractive to potential boyfriends she also is making herself more attractive to all men. Because I needed to practice my skills in PowerPoint, I've illustrated this with a Venn diagram:

As most girls probably know, it can be difficult to determine which men fall into which category. And as I mentioned at the beginning of this post, if you are only paying attention to what a man says, it can be impossible. A girl interested in saving her time and emotional energy needs to be as adept as possible at discerning these these types of men. And this is why it is so important for a woman not to initiate contact with a man. When you initiate contact with a man before you know his intentions, you are denying yourself the least equivocal and therefore most important indication of his interest. I will go as far as to say that you are denying yourself the only reliable indication of his interest.

A man might make eye contact with you from across the bar, but unless he overcomes his fear or leaves his buddies in order to approach you, he isn't into you enough. Don't approach him. A man might say he wants to see you, but unless he calls to set up a date, he doesn't care enough. Don't call or text him. A man might tell you to come and visit him, but if he cares enough, he will come to you if you suggest it.

I could give all kinds of examples, but you get the point. By making it easy for a man, you risk wasting your time and energy on someone who is only interested in having sex with you, or maybe worse, someone who will actually agree to a relationship or even marriage, only to change his mind months or years later when he realizes he wants someone he considers better. Taking the initiative is not a right that men have over women; it is (or should be) a hurdle that women place in front of men to make them prove their interest.

Disclaimer: A man will jump over a lot of hurdles to sleep with a woman that is hotter than himself, or at least, hotter than the other girls he's slept with. The more attractive you are relative to him, the more cautious you need to be. This is complicated by the fact that it is perfectly possible for a man that is less attractive than a girl to be sexually attracted to her and interested in her as a person (i.e. not overwhelmed by her beauty so much that he doesn't consider her personality). There is a danger of losing a guy like this by putting up too many hurdles and discouraging him. My suggestion: don't play below your league.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup, which explains everything you need to know about dealing with you ex: what he's thinking, what is motivating him to stay friends with you, how to maximize your chances of getting him back - and if that doesn't happen, how to focus on your future.


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3. You Are Responsible for Your Own Romantic Happiness