Interpreting Male Compliments

When people change something about their appearance – their hairstyle, clothes, makeup, hair color, etc. – they often rely on the feedback that they get from others in deciding whether or not they themselves like the change. I hear people say all the time (after updating their look) “Yeah, I wasn’t so sure about it, but people seem to like it." Of course, this often goes unspoken, but in general people take others’ compliments at face value. This is the problem I want to address.

Let me start with a couple examples. A female coworker recently showed up at the office with short hair. Whereas previously it had been mid-back length, she’d cut it to be only a few inches long. It looked OK at best; but she looked significantly worse than she had with long hair. When she walked into our area of the office for the first time, the “feedback” started…

Guy 1: “Oh, wow you cut your hair – it looks great!”  

Guy 2: “Yeah, wow, looks good.” 

Guy 3: “You look much younger.”

(I didn’t contribute, because I’d run into her earlier in the day and after expressing my surprise at barely recognizing her, told her it looked “stylish” in an unenthusiastic tone.)

When she walked out of our area and out of earshot, we all looked at each other. Guy 1, who had previously always talked about how sexy this girl was, burst out immediately: “Maaann, it looks horrible! What did she do???” We all agreed.

Another time, a girl walked into the same area of our office wearing a new shirt, which was bright green. It drew attention, but it looked horrible. It didn't work with her complexion at all. Immediately, one guy – who is particularly attractive to most of the girls in the office – said “Nice shirt. Good color; green looks good on you.” I am sure she walked away thinking to herself “Wow, I guess green is my color.”

In the first example, obviously the intention behind the compliment was to make the cute girl feel good, or at least to avoid making her feel bad. This is fairly easy to recognize and understand. But something different is at work in the second example, and I've been recognizing it happening more and more in my daily life as I've come to realize what is going on: people respond positively to the things they notice, not to things that are positive. A person might see a friend and think “wow look at that new belt” because it really stands out, or “wow her hairstyle (or color) is completely different today.” But then, because it is so noticeable, they feel the need to acknowledge it. Once they've acknowledged it, the same phenomenon at work in the first example kicks in: they feel the need to make the person feel good about it, and an inaccurate compliment is the result. So in the end, “nice haircut” actually just means “I noticed your haircut.” And if you subscribe to the school of style that says "you should wear your clothes; your clothes shouldn't wear you," then you realize that this is more often a bad sign than a good one.

I've occasionally been given compliments like "you look good in grey." However, knowing what I do about wearing colors that compliment my complexion (I look OK in grey, but not great. I wear grey because it is an easy color to find in stores and doesn't look horrible on me), and recognizing that these compliments came from someone with the desire to make me feel good, I realize that what they really meant was "You look good," and "you wear a lot of grey." But the causal link between those two facts what purely in the eye of the beholder - or rather, the complimenter.

But the problem isn't only that people get inaccurate feedback when they wear or change things in extreme or otherwise noticeable ways. The problem is that when people change things in subtle-yet-powerful ways, they get no feedback whatsoever. The best changes more often than not draw no feedback, while the worst changes draw compliments. If you pay attention to others’ opinions, you’ll end up with a completely skewed opinion of what makes you look good.

The best compliments are those that are mistaken, or indefinite. I've had this happen to me several times. One time my receptionist told me “Andrew, you look great today! Did you change your hair?” I hadn't touched it. In fact, nothing was different about me that day except for my shirt. It happened to be one that I didn't normally wear, but which, in retrospect, perfectly complemented my complexion. Her compliment of my hair was actually a compliment of my shirt.

So pay attention when people give you general or indefinite compliments: “you look very… vibrant today,”  or “something looks different; I like it,” or “did you change your hair?” (even though you haven’t). If you reflect when you receive compliments like this, you can often decipher them to understand their source. And if you succeed, you can rely on your interpretation of that vague or mistaken compliment far more than you can rely on normal “compliments,” which are often little more than sugar-coated observations.

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6 Ways Men Mask Their Indifference

Whenever you are dating or seeing a guy, and there is some kind of external impediment to a normal relationship (or to the normal progress of a relationship), be skeptical of what "feels" true. By external impediment, I mean some factor outside the relationship that is making things between you difficult or impossible. You can scan the headings below to get an idea of what I mean. A man's affection in these situations will sometimes feel very much like the real thing, when the truth is that he is only allowing himself to fully express his feelings - or even slightly exaggerate them - because he knows that he is engaging in an impossible (or terminal) relationship. In other words, he will indulge in the relationship because he knows that he has an "out," and commitment will never be demanded of him.

Some men will do this in a manipulative way: they will consciously acknowledge to themselves that the relationship is a dead end, but act like everything is fine in order to continue in a fun or exciting or comfortable situation. More commonly, however, men will simply enjoy the relationship or the interaction with you, and will sub-consciously allow themselves to be more free with their affections or emotions or compliments, because they know in the back of their mind that they will never be forced to prove them by committing to you.

This isn't always the case, and your intuition is probably a strong guide in judging whether it applies in your case; but that intuition will be stronger still after understanding that this kind of behavior is a possibility, and recognizing the following ways in which this phenomenon can manifest itself:

1. Long Distance
This is probably the most common one. When a man is in another city or country, the pressure is off. He might not be cheating, but he is automatically expected to see you less, call you less, and generally be less involved in your life. Even though there is no impediment to him calling frequently, as he would if he were living down the street, it isn't expected of him. I've never been in a long distance relationship, but a few times I've kept in touch (for several months) with girls that I've met while traveling, so I know what this freedom feels like, and how low-investment those relationships are. The fact is that, if you are in different cities, you aren't on his mind anywhere near as much as you would be otherwise. When you are in the same place as a man, you occupy his thoughts frequently because there is always a possibility that you will be able to see each other soon. He is constantly entertaining this possibility in his mind, weighing it against other options. Even if you don't see each other as much as you'd like, he is still forced to think about that possibility (and therefore you) far more often. You are much more immediate to him. But when you are dating long-distance, there is no possibility to be together, and he mentally "shelves" you - that is, he makes you less of a priority in his life - because he knows that physical intimacy is not possible (and I don't only mean sexual intimacy). So a man in a long-distance relationship can put in far less effort to maintain the same level of commitment from you.

2. Technology

By technology I mean cell phones, text messaging, e-mail, etc. While these might seem to be facilitators of a relationship (as they make communication easier), they can often be exactly the opposite. Technology diminishes the amount of personal interaction that we have when we communicate, and, perhaps more importantly, allows us to multi-task. A guy can chat with you online every day, sometimes for hours, but because he is bored at work, while you are thinking "He texts me all the time even though he is busy at work." One time a girl thought I was falling in love with her because I called her almost every day for a couple weeks while I was driving home from work. The reality was that I just enjoyed talking to her and flirting, and I had nothing else to do during my commute. By the time I realized how much she'd read into it, it was too late. In extreme instances, a guy could be texting you from another woman's bed. Even if he doesn't multi-task like this, and uses his free time to contact you via chat or phone or video, it is less valuable than it is if you see him in person. If a guy spends an hour with you on video-chatting, for example, he only needs to be in front of his computer (or these days, his smartphone) in order to do it. In order to spend time with you in person, he would have to shower and get changed, travel to be with you, allow extra time for uncertainties like traffic or a change of plans, and then commute back. That one hour would be effectively two or three by the end of it. So interpret anything less than in-person one-on-one time with the caution it deserves.

3. His Relationship

Married men who are cheating on their wives, or guys who flirt with you even though they have a girlfriend, will never have to demonstrate how willing they are to commit to you. They can always hide behind their inability to leave their current woman. Judging from the e-mails I get, it is fairly common for men in marriages to profess their love to a mistress, but simultaneously claim that their hands are tied: "I would do anything for you, you know that - but I have a family; I can't just leave them." Getting involved with married men is a bad idea for many reasons, but this is an important one. He can continue to have the benefits of a secret relationship, always blaming his lack of intimacy on the fact that he is married and has and family, when the truth is that he wouldn't enter a serious relationship with you even if he were single. More commonly, a guy with a girlfriend might flirt with you and get your hopes up, when the reality is that he wouldn't want to be your boyfriend even if he were single; and it is precisely the knowledge that he can't be your boyfriend that gives him the liberty to engage in flirting with you. 

4. Your Relationship
You might be dating a guy that you are only semi-enthusiastic about, or thinking about breaking up with. Or perhaps you are married but unhappy. And there is a hot, single guy in your life that gives you a lot of attention. In fact, you are sure that if you weren't tied up, he'd be all over you. Think again. Men often allow themselves to enjoy the flirting, the sexual tension, the affirmation of your attraction and all the other makings of a courtship when they know that there is no pressure on them to follow through. They might not be attracted to you enough to make a move, but they will allow themselves to engage in the fun parts of the exchange because they know they will never have to. This is essentially the same mechanism as described in the previous point, except that it is a little more risky for the man, in the sense that he isn't in control of whether or not you end the relationship that is "preventing" something from happening between you and him.

5. Academic Degrees or Careers

I am sure some readers have been told "I love you, but I can't get engaged now; I need to graduate first." This might be true, but evaluate that statement with a heavy degree of cynicism. He could truly feel the need to get a piece of paper before making a commitment, or he could be uncertain about making a commitment to you at all and using his education as an excuse. Are you willing to wait until he graduates only to find out that he actually isn't as serious about you as you thought, or that he wants to "spend some time on his own" before he can commit to a future with you? The same kind of thing can be said about getting a promotion at work, or achieving financial stability (whatever that means), or buying a house. It all has potential to be bullshit.

6. Religious or Cultural Differences

Maybe your guy has told you that he "can't marry a non-Indian girl" (and you are American) or "I can't marry a non-Jewish girl" (and you are Catholic). While both of these might be perfectly true, men will often acknowledge their cultural or religious limitations and still continue to date you. I know plenty of guys who have done this, and the women simply hold on, thinking that maybe he will change his mind. Especially when it comes to culture and religion, you should take these men at their word: the relationship is a dead end. While there are a few Romeo and Juliet stories in the world, they tend to be played out only when both parties have little else in life to lose, not by people with comfortable lives and limitations imposed by cultures or creeds that they don't actually engage in or practice anyway. If you are trying (for example) to get a Hindu Indian doctor from a wealthy family to marry you, when you are a dark-skinned Muslim without an advanced degree, and his family has "expectations" about who he will marry, you are fighting a a losing battle against unreasonable prejudice: give up and cut your losses.


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If a Man Talks to You, He Likes You

I have made this point before, but only briefly; and as simple as the point is, it warrants further explanation.

If a man goes out of his way to interact with you, he is interested in you romantically or sexually - at least to some degree. A lot of women don’t realize this, because when they approach a man (for example, to ask directions in the street), they don’t do so with romantic or sexual intention. They wrongly project their own lack of intention onto the men who approach them. They think “When I approach a man, I don’t have romantic or sexual motives; so this guy asking me for directions has no ulterior motives.” But they are wrong.

If you are skeptical about this, consider that the same phenomenon is manifested in men. Men always “get the wrong idea” when a woman responds to their texts, or engages them in conversation in a bar, or doesn't spit on them and walk off when they ask her for directions. The truth may be that the girl is just being polite, or that she genuinely believes the guy just needs directions, but the man projects his own intentions onto her. He thinks “When I talk to a woman even for casual reasons, it is because I like her. This woman is talking to me, so she must like me.”

Yes, of course, there are exceptions to this rule. Sometimes a guy genuinely needs directions, or really is just talking to you to kill time at the bus station. But the point is that these exceptions are far rarer than you think. In fact, the exceptions are so rare that you are better off always assuming that men who approach you are interested than you are questioning it each time. In the rare instances that a man isn't interested, you have nothing to lose by assuming that he is; and the increased confidence you’ll have knowing that he is into you will help you to be your best self in his presence, which will attract him further.

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Do You Really Want Dating to Be Easier?

Dating isn't easy. In fact, for anyone with romantic ambitions, it is extremely difficult. There was a time where dating options were far more limited by religion, geography, social class, and family pressure. But these days, dating options are virtually limitless, and ideals about romance are pegged to ridiculous standards, both of which make it hard for people to settle down. When you consider this in light of the fact that people have such varied tastes, it isn't hard to see why it is so difficult to fall mutually in love.

The greatest victories in sports are the ones that follow a difficult comeback. We appreciate them because they are born out of unlikely circumstances, and are the result of a tremendous effort. I remember watching basketball games when I was a kid, and actually liking it when my favorite team was down by a large margin. The way I saw it, the deficit was just potential for a big comeback - maybe an unprecedented comeback, a game people would talk about for decades. While I knew that I might be witnessing a blowout, I also knew that I might be watching sports history in the making. I also knew that I wouldn't be anywhere near as excited if my team won by a large margin - it would just be too easy that way.

When you get frustrated at your lack of success with the opposite sex, stop for a moment and recognize that the same principle applies in your dating life.  If finding a boyfriend or husband were easy, you wouldn't care much for your relationships. Every man would be replaceable, just as you would be to every man. The more you improve yourself in order to find love, or the more years you spend maturing before you can recognize it, the more unique your story will be, and the more you will value the man who marks its end.


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What Men Think About Your Virginity

Imagine you are dating a guy who doesn't know that you are a virgin. Everything is going well until, one night, he starts to push things past the limits of your sexual comfort zone. After a quick battle in your conscience, you stop him and reluctantly tell him "I can't..." followed by an apologetic, blush-filled explanation about how you were raised, how hard it is to constantly disappoint men, and how difficult it is to live with the fear of being "found out" by your friends. He is a little bit surprised at the news initially, but he says that it isn't a big deal. He even seems sincere when he tells you how much he admires your decision and sometimes wishes that he'd stayed a virgin too. However, in the next few days, his contact and initiative plummet. Before long he stops talking to you altogether. You are confused. You understand that men want sex, but this guy seemed different...

Sound familiar?

Of course, there are many variations on this story. Maybe you wanted to sleep with him, but something made him suspicious, and he asked if you were a virgin before anything happened. Or maybe you made it clear that you really didn't want to stay a virgin, but that you just needed a little longer together before having sex. Or maybe you actually asked him to sleep with you, right then and there, because you were fed up with being a virgin and figured you might as well lose it with him as with the next guy. However it happened for you, the result was probably the same: he disappeared.

You've probably assumed that men act this way for one or more of the following reasons:

1. They think it will be too much work to sleep with you,
2. They are "weirded out" by the fact that you've never had sex,
3. They don't want to "suffer" through your inexperience.

For some men, a combination of these things will play a role in their decision, but usually it will be a minor one. If you are hot enough, men won't give up very easily at all - particularly players, who know that women often say no at first, only to give in soon afterwards. No man is "weirded out" by the idea of virginity to the point that it would actually prevent him from enjoying sex. And although sex might not be as great with a virgin as with a more experienced girl, few if any men have so many women at their fingertips that they can afford to discriminate based solely on anticipated performance. There is something deeper at work.

The primary reason that most men disappear after learning you are a virgin is simple but often overlooked: men don't want the responsibility of taking your virginity. Rightly or wrongly, men assume that in proportion to how long you've remained a virgin, your experience losing it will be "a big deal," and something that you want to do within the context of a serious relationship - even if you tell them otherwise. Men aren't afraid of or "weirded out" by your virginity; they are wary of the expectations that will accompany taking it from you.

It should go without saying that the men who are going to be most turned off by expectations or responsibility are the ones who know, in the back of their minds (or the forefront), that there isn't potential for a relationship. If a man really likes you, your virginity will not be impediment to dating. He will not balk at the idea of waiting until you are in a committed relationship (or possibly longer) for sex. In this sense, your virginity can actually serve as a good filtering mechanism for avoiding men who aren't interested in anything serious.

There are limits to this phenomenon, however. Once inside a committed relationship, even a man with the best intentions is likely to be put off if his girlfriend insists on waiting until marriage for sex. The convenient reality in these cases, however, is that the few women who insist on waiting until marriage are probably most compatible with the few men who are also willing to wait until marriage. So if you really believe that prolonged virginity or abstinence until marriage is important, consider this belief a filtering mechanism - no man without similar beliefs will be willing to wait that long.

It is also worth pointing out that men will be somewhat less scrupulous about taking a younger girl's virginity. Because younger girls haven't been virgins for as long, men (even young men) will assume that the girls care less about giving it away. Although there isn't a strict age cutoff for this assumption, it falls somewhere between 20 and 22. Before 20, almost no guy will be surprised at a girl's virginity. After 22, almost all men will assume that a girl's virginity is intentional. Keep in mind that the average age at which American girls reportedly lose their virginity is 17.

Also keep in mind that being surprised that a girl is still a virgin is not the same as thinking that she is "weird" because of it. I considered writing a paragraph explaining the age at which men will think a woman is "weird" for still being a virgin (since I know that some women worry about this), but in the process of trying to pinpoint that age, I realize two things: (a) there really isn't one, and (b) you shouldn't care anyway.

To conclude: men who disappear after learning you are a virgin wouldn't have stuck around in the long run anyway, and they certainly don't disappear because they are lazy or feel awkward about your inexperience. They are simply unwilling to deal with the moral hangover or relationship pressure of taking you through such an "important" event in your life, then walking away afterwards. And they will avoid doing so even if it means foregoing easy or guaranteed-STD-free sex. So if a guy disappears on you after you tell him about your virginity, don't feel the need go and to lose it at the next opportunity; just be glad you dodged a bullet.

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Men Don't Fall in Love the Same Way Women Do

A reader recently asked me if I've learned anything new about women from writing this blog. I have. To be specific, I've learned one thing - one important thing. I want to explain that one thing here, because the corresponding lesson for women is equally important.

So many of the women that write to me for advice have stories that go something like this...

I met my boyfriend through mutual friends. I wasn't very attracted to him at first. He wasn't the best looking guy in the world and he was a little quiet. I never really considered him a potential boyfriend, but then he asked me out. I agreed because I wanted to give it a chance, and I hadn't been on a date in a while.

The first date went OK, so we kept seeing each other. Before long I started getting attached and soon I found myself falling for him. We spent a lot of time together, and by three months I was in love. Now we are five months into the relationship and things have stagnated a little. He seems to be losing interest. Our phone calls are getting shorter, we see each other less frequently, and he's been answering my texts sporadically. In general the excitement he showed at the outset seems to have faded. I don't know what to do... I am completely in love with him and don't know if I can handle a break up. Is there any way I can re-spark his interest? What can I do??

Obviously this is just a paraphrase; the details of each story vary. But the common thread among them, and the thing that I found so interesting, was that the woman's love grew gradually, over months, often starting as complete indifference. It amazed me that a woman could end up being so in love with a man that, initially, she wouldn't have seriously considered dating.

In fact, I was so surprised by this that I initially doubted the truth of the stories. I speculated that the women writing to me were subject to some kind of wishful thinking or tunnel-vision, by which they focused only on the good in their boyfriend rather than the advantages of other men. But this really couldn't explain the phenomenon. A woman couldn't wishfully think herself into a degree of love so strong that she would feel compelled to write me for help. I eventually realized that these women were being genuine, and I was forced to admit that there was a uniquely feminine mechanism at work.

By now most of you have probably recognized the important point for women, which is implicit in my astonishment: men do not fall in love gradually, and they do not find themselves suddenly falling for women in whom they weren't initially interested. I was surprised because I had wrongly assumed that women work the same way as men in this respect. But this is not the case.

Now, let me qualify a couple things before going any further. By "love" I mean deep romantic attraction, as opposed to lust or long-term attachment. Lust is primary, physical and fleeting for both sexes, and long-term attachment takes years of shared experience to develop in either sex. Also, I am not saying that this is the only way women fall in love, or the most common. I recognize that women can experience something closer to "love at first sight."

The important thing to recognize is that you cannot expect (much less make) a man gradually fall in love with you in the same way that you might fall in love with a man. It doesn't work that way for us. Male romantic love is something that either starts early and continues, or else doesn't start at all.

Since recognizing this difference in the sexes, I've had time to consider why it exists, and I think I have a reasonable understanding of what is going on. The information that a man needs to trigger romantic love is information that he can perceive within a few interactions with a woman. I believe this is true for a couple reasons:

1. A great deal of his attraction to a woman is physical, and her approximate physical beauty can be demonstrated by seeing her in a handful of outfits (or, to some degree, through photos).
2. A great deal of his attraction to a woman is rooted in her personality and energy, which can be demonstrated by experiencing her in a handful of moods. This takes longer than the physical attraction, but is still possible within a fairly limited number of encounters.

Other data, such as a woman's religious or political beliefs, her social class, her family, etc. are either immediately available to a man via conversation, or else far less significant in garnering his attraction. So, in general, a man can evaluate a woman quite quickly.

Now, for women, the situation is different. Many of a woman's triggers for romantic love are less immediate:

• His personal strength and emotional stability, which can only be demonstrated by seeing him react to challenging situations, and these are unlikely to arise on a daily basis.
• His intelligence and confidence, which - although more readily assessed - can also take time to evaluate, as they are best demonstrated via situations in which his wit or knowledge is pitted against others', or by seeing how he responds to other men in a variety of real-life social situations.
• His commitment, which is only demonstrated in proportion to its duration. The longer he is with you, the longer he is likely to stay with you.

In other words, while a man judges his woman primarily in relation to himself, which he does quite quickly, a woman evaluates her man on how he relates to the outside world, and this takes longer. In addition, and perhaps more importantly, a woman needs to gauge her man's reliability, and this demands time.

From an evolutionary biology standpoint, this makes good sense: the man who propagates his genes successfully does not need months to judge the reproductive potential of his mate, or her ability to nurture and raise children; he can see these things from physical cues, as well has her energy, moods, and her instinct to take care of him. But the woman who propagates her genes is one who accurately judges whether the man with whom she mates is not only strong, but also stable - that is, capable of protecting and providing for her children until they are grown.

The implications of this are enormous for both sexes in dating, but let me underline the biggest lesson for women: if a man isn't falling for you from an early stage - say, the first month - it isn't going to happen. Don't wait around for his feelings to "grow" the way yours sometimes do. They will not. While this doesn't necessarily mean that he should be ruled out as a potential boyfriend or husband, it does mean that he will never be the woozy, infatuated lover you've seen in the movies. And if this is something you can't live without, you'd do better to break up with him now than to become more emotionally or sexually invested before breaking up with him later.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup, which explains everything you need to know about dealing with you ex: what he's thinking, what is motivating him to stay friends with you, how to maximize your chances of getting him back - and if that doesn't happen, how to focus on your future.

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In Vino Veritas... Aliquanto

Most guys behave differently after consuming alcohol, and this often leads to situations in which a woman is left trying to decipher her crush's words or actions through the facade of its effects - not always an easy task, but as I will explain, not one worth completely abandoning either. Whenever a man you are interested in interacts with you (i.e. whether he is drunk or sober), he reveals information about himself, even if it is only that he is perpetuating the status quo of the relationship by not giving you any different information. A drunken interaction with a guy you like is no exception; you just need to understand the limitations of what you can learn from it.

Most people are familiar with the Latin expression "in vino veritas," which means "in wine lies the truth." There are a lot of dumb sayings out there, but this is not one of them. With a few negligible exceptions, a man's actions when he is drunk do accurately reflect his true feelings and intentions. This is because his drunkenness relieves his inhibitions, making him more capable of behaving according to his impulses and natural inclinations. However, from an attracted girl's perspective, this honesty carries with it an ambiguity, because in addition to relieving a man's internal inhibitions, alcohol also relieves his external inhibitions; and there is almost no way to judge which one is driving (or, more accurately, allowing) his words and actions. By internal inhibitions I mean those that come from within, i.e. ones that are a product of his personal weaknesses - fear of embarrassment or lack of self-confidence. By external inhibitions I mean those that come from the expectations of society, such as the pressure to date high-quality women, to not sleep with a girl you don't want to date, or avoid sleep sleeping with your female coworker for fear of upsetting your professional relationship at work. Both types go by the wayside when drunkenness sets in.

The loss of both of these types of inhibitions leave a man's natural impulses unchecked, and you can be sure he will start to act on them in proportion to his level of drunkenness. The ambiguity is introduced by the fact that a guy's sincere feelings might just as well be "I have a crush on that girl and want to date her," as they could be "I want to fuck that girl tonight and tonight only." In the light of drunkenness, however, the behavior resulting from both sets of feelings is one and the same: he flirts with you or gives you more attention. So the distinction between these two attitudes is not what you should be looking for when you try to interpret his drunken actions. You need to wait for a clearer data point to make this kind of judgement.

But as I suggested at the start of this post, this ambiguity does not mean no useful information can be gained from a guy's drunken advances. And this is because there is yet another external inhibition that is ignored by drunken men, namely, the concern that "I should be nice to this girl and talk to her even though I don't want to have sex with her or date her." Your clue comes entirely from his dismissal of this inhibition as he drinks. While you may not be able to determine whether or not his advances are purely sexual when he flirts with you, you can at least rule out the possibility that he has no interest in you. If he weren't at least sexually interested, you can be sure he would be off chasing other girls, rather than being "tied down" by the social obligation to be nice, or even just social.

So next time the guy you likes makes a drunken advance, don't stress out trying to decipher the implications. Instead, acknowledge that it means he is at least sexually interested in you, and wait for your next (sober) data point.