The Problem with Denim and Leather

Several years ago, I got into a discussion about women's clothes with my girlfriend at the time and her friend. The friend mentioned that she had "kind of started to hate polo shirts on girls." I was a bit surprised, so I asked what was motivating her hatred. She replied that they were "just too masculine."

I found that interesting. I'd never even noticed polo shirts as being particularly attractive or unattractive, let alone masculine or feminine; but I could see where she was coming from. After all, some clothes (dresses for example) are more feminine, so it made sense that other types could be more masculine. From that point on, I started paying more attention to how sex-appropriate various types of clothes seemed.

Years later I started reading a website called Masculine Style, which does a great job of teaching men how to dress well. The author explains that the history and evolution of certain clothes is what makes them have the visual effect that they do, making them work (or not) for different men in different situations.

He explains, for example, that heavier knit sweaters are far more rugged and masculine-looking than a thin cashmere cardigan because they were designed for and traditionally used by dock workers and fishermen. Similarly, boat shoes were designed with soles that were soft enough to prevent scratching the decks of yachts, and therefore still hint at wealth and luxury in spite of their casualness. Sturdier materials like denim and leather have histories rooted in farming and manual labor, and so they carry connotations of their industrial origins – which brings me to my point…

For a couple years now, I've realized that I don't like when girls wear denim or leather. If the girl is good-looking, I will still be somewhat sexually attracted to her, but both the magnitude and type of attraction is significantly different than it would be if the same girl were dressed in lighter, softer materials. And following the train of thought that was inspired by my ex-girlfriend's friend and what I read on Masculine Style, I've started to wonder if my distaste is due to denim and leather being inherently unfeminine materials.

I mean think about it: denim and leather are rough, sturdy materials made to withstand the abuse of hard labor. They were made to protect rugged men doing rugged work. In the same way that we project onto guys who wear heavy-knit sweaters the masculinity of dock workers, it makes sense that we project onto women the connotations of wearing laborer's clothes – whether we do so consciously or unconsciously. And doing so casts a shadow over a woman's femininity. Asking a woman to look attractive in a biker jacket is kind of like asking a man to look attractive in lace.

Now, I realize that anytime you say (or even suggest) that something might be "objectively" masculine or feminine, people get defensive. If there is a scale along which masculinity or femininity can be quantified, people invariably start worrying about where along it they'll be placed. They are afraid of being judged.* But I am going to assume that my readers have learned to be comfortable with themselves, and throw the idea out there anyway – not so much because I am completely convinced by it as to field your opinions. So here is the concept:

Denim and leather (and perhaps other materials besides) are objectively masculine, at least to the same extent that materials like satin or lace are feminine. The current popularity of leather and denim in female fashion is a trend, piggybacked on the popularity of feminism, and it does not reflect the objective attractiveness of the materials themselves. While women can often look attractive in denim or leather, they do so in spite of the materials, not because of them.

Nope. Really.

I've been testing the idea recently by mentally separating the factors of my attraction each time I see a hot girl wearing one of these materials. Certainly when I think about a woman wearing any piece of clothing in either denim or leather, I can always imagine her being sexier in something less rugged. I've never liked jean or leather skirts on girls; and although it is much harder to look objectively at jean pants (because they are so entrenched in current fashion), I find normal cotton way more attractive.

When I suggest to my male friends that leather and denim are unattractive on women – which I've done several times – I rarely get an enthusiastic chorus of agreement. I get, "Yeah I guess I can sort of see what you mean" or "No, man, I love a girl in a jean skirt." But I am pretty sure that these statements ultimately boil down to "I am not observant enough to figure out what turns me on about a woman's wardrobe" and "I love a girl in a skirt."

Again, this isn't a statement about what women should or shouldn't wear (they're your clothes, do whatever the you want), it is merely a statement intended to spark thought about whether your choice of clothes is an authentic expression of your personal taste or the voice of popular culture.

Oh and just for the record, I am OK with polo shirts on girls.

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*In this sense, modern Western culture (at least when it comes to gender) is like a school system without testing. Everyone is just kind of learning at their own rate without an objective measurement of anyone's performance. You can imagine how outraged people in such a system would be the first time you were to suggest that there will periodically be these things called “exams” by which students' comprehension will be evaluated. There would be huge resistance. But testing in schools isn't the end of the world. Yeah, there is pressure to perform to a certain level, and the students that do poorly have to acknowledge the fact that they aren't as “smart” as the other students. But it introduces a degree of accountability that cannot otherwise be motivated, and the school system is better off for it.


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5 Winter Fashions Men Like

Most men are familiar with the "75 degree rule," which refers to the fact that, in Spring, women seem to come out from their Winter hibernation once the temperature rises above 75 degrees Fahrenheit (for those of you not burdened by an archaic system of scientific units, that is 24 degrees Celsius). Spring comes, and hot girls are suddenly out everywhere wearing shorts, dresses, small t-shirts and skirts. When I first heard of the rule, I remember speculating that perhaps girls weren't actually indoors any more than men during the winter; it was just that we noticed them less when it was cold because they were all bundled up in clothes that hid their beauty.

I still stand by my speculation, because the simple truth is that the feminine figure is more attractive when it isn't concealed  (yes, even if the woman is overweight), and the more delicate and feminine parts of a woman's body - like her neck, jawline and breasts - add nothing to her attractiveness when they are covered by a jacket or scarf. So female winter fashion is all about minimizing the effect of the extra material. To this end, the fit of your winter clothes is more important than anything else. The more your clothes follow the natural lines of your figure, the better. This doesn't mean that you always need to wear tight clothes, but it does mean that the bulky jacket your mom bought for you last year probably makes you look like a man. Three tight layers are far better than one heavy layer.

Anyway, here are five female winter fashions/considerations that will make men find you more attractive in winter. There are obviously plenty of other ways to look attractive in cold weather, but these are good starting points:

1. A Jacket That Fits You. For the purposes of looking good in cold weather, nothing is more important than the fit of your jacket. Men should be able to see your curves when you are wearing your jacket. This means that it should follow the curves of your waist and hips. It also means having sleeves that don't add bulk to your arms. And then there are the general aesthetics related to having as few wrinkles as possible from excess material. Most popular clothes stores design and cut their clothes for "average" people, which in the United States, means fat people. So for many girls, getting a jacket that fits will mean having to buy something that is more expensive, or else having a cheaper jacket altered by a tailor. A draw-string at the waist can also help to achieve this effect.

2. Fur-Trimmed Hooded Jackets. I've often told my guy friends how much I like these, and they always agree. The fur is extremely soft, warm and playful = feminine; and if you choose the color to properly complement your complexion, it can be extremely attractive visually as well. Popular fashion seems to have caught on to this in the last year or so, and more girls are wearing them. Because of this, you might not stand out as much by wearing one, but it also means that it is much easier to find them in stores. Besides, "looking like every other girl" is only problematic when every other girl looks bad. Here is an example:

3. Tight Sweaters. A tight sweater embraces everything I said above about the importance of wearing well-fitted clothes. There is something both sexual and nurturing about a woman wearing a tight sweater. It is sexual for the obvious reason that it shows off her figure, but it is nurturing because it gives her an air of warmth and comfort. (Note: We left turtle-neck sweaters in the 90s for a reason: they are hideous on both sexes. Never wear one.)

4. Tall, Heeled Boots. Uggs are great if you want to look like a little girl; but if you want to attract guys over the age of 15, you will need to embrace a more mature look. Tall, heeled boots are sexy. They achieve all of the effects of attractive posture that you get from high heels, and their height draws attention to your thighs and waist. Heels are more important than height, but if heels aren't possible, tall boots without heels are still better than most other shoes - probably warmer too. All three of the examples below are great.

5. Leggings. Because they contain no vital organs, your limbs are the parts of your body least prone to the effects of cold weather; so most women are capable of going outdoors in leggings, even in the middle of winter. This is good, because they are sexy as hell. They make every woman's legs and ass look 10 - 20 % better than normal, and because they are so popular and reveal no skin, no one thinks they look slutty. Yes, they are hotter than a pair of tight jeans - probably because cotton can never conform to your body as well as synthetic, stretchy materials. And no, you don't need to be thin for them to make you look better. Black is obviously the most versatile color, but designs and patterns can work too, as long as they aren't overly obnoxious (e.g. cartoon characters or logos). Wear two or three pairs if it's too cold.

If any of these looks seem like they "aren't you" it is probably only because you haven't tried them yet.


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5 Ways That Men Misunderstand Women

We tend to operate under the assumption that the opposite sex's behavior in a given situations is always informed by a rational understanding of the relevant factors: what you want, what he wants, what really matters in a relationship, etc. But the truth is that there are many times where it is informed by a complete misunderstanding. So while the best way to understand male behavior is to become familiar with men's motivations and modes of thought, the second best way is to become familiar with men's motivations and misunderstandings - because it is unfortunately often that a man's behavior in dealing with women is rooted in misconception.

The following are five of the most common ways in which men misunderstand women, and some of the mistakes they make as a result.

1. Men don't know the difference between making a woman happy and attracting her. A lot of men believe that they will attract a woman by giving her what satisfies her in the moment, rather than doing what will demonstrate their character to her. Often these two things are in conflict. For example, a man will often tell a woman she looks beautiful, when the truth (which she knows) is that she is only looking decent. He will do this because he thinks that her momentary happiness is more important than her long-term ability to trust his opinion, and, by extension, him. Likewise, a man will often try to let a girl choose where to go for their date, because he wrongly believes that her enjoyment of the location is more important than her appreciation of his ability to be decisive and have a plan. These men don't realize that women are more interested in being with a man of character than frivolous things like always believing that they look pretty, or loving the restaurant where they enjoy a man's company. Men misunderstand this because they themselves are always seeking to be satisfied in the moment, and so they project that desire onto the women they date.

2. Men think women experience sex the same way they do. This might seem like a minor detail, as it only manifests itself during sex; however, it is actually central to a relationship, just as sex is central to a relationship. Men need an orgasm to really enjoy sex. It is nothing short of frustrating otherwise. A man who believes that a woman needs an orgasm in order to enjoy sex is misunderstanding something that is much bigger than his partner's desire to feel an orgasm. A man who thinks that his woman needs experience an orgasm to enjoy intercourse is far more likely to neglect the thing that she actually needs in order to enjoy sex: his integrity, openness, pleasure - and most importantly, his desire for her. I've had sex with a lot of women, and the ones who have really liked me could care less whether or not they have an orgasm. They are more than happy just to be fucked by a man that they feel lucky to be with. In fact, the reality is that the less a woman respects and is attracted to her man, the more she will "need" an orgasm to enjoy sex. But men project their own need for an orgasm onto their woman. They work too hard to get her off, and in the end, fail to satisfy her in the more important way: by enjoying her, and letting her be the object of his (as one reader called it) "hurricanes of desire." This misconception manifests itself in things like his performance of obsequious oral sex, his listening to you when you tell him to "come now" (rather than being authentic and coming when it happens naturally), or in general listening to how you tell him to fuck you. More severely, it shows up as performance anxiety.

[Before everyone starts jumping down my throat for this one: I am well-aware that women love having an orgasm during sex. But if you "need" an orgasm in order to enjoy sex, ask yourself whether you'd prefer to be ravaged deeply by your man without an orgasm, or be given an orgasm by a guy who goes down on you for so long that he goes limp and loses interest in fucking you. Of course you want both, but both aren't always possible; and the point is that, when they aren't, men often choose poorly between the two options.]

3. Men think that you know you are hot. Many men feel powerless in the presence of a beautiful woman. Actually, it is more accurate to say that many men feel powerless in the presence of any woman in proportion to how much more beautiful than him she is. This is particularly true in younger men, but some men never grow out of it. Much of this feeling of powerlessness is due to the assumption that the woman knows that she is beautiful, and that therefore, they stand no chance of having her. (The rest is due to what I will explain in point number 5, below.) The truth, of course, is that a woman's confidence is absolutely uncorrelated with looks. Many beautiful women feel wildly insecure. However, a lot of men don't realize this. They are so stunned by beauty that they cannot see past it. A man like this might be too intimidated to approach or pursue a woman that he perceives as being out of his league due to her looks alone, when the truth is that the girl may be wishing that he'd approach her.

4. Men think that you mean what you say. Men are literal creatures. Natural selection has weeded out those of us who didn't have a mind for focusing on the facts and the facts alone, and getting the job done. The result is that, while we excel at those things, we suck pretty hard at reading between the lines, interpreting emotions, or understanding what is left unsaid. And the more modern culture tries to tell us that men and women are the same, the harder it is for us to understand that women don't suck at this as much as we do. Many men, therefore, believe that women are equally literal. These men believe that women mean what they say, and say everything that they mean - but this is simply not true. I got an e-mail just the other day from a reader who broke up with her boyfriend, not because she didn't like him anymore, but because she was hoping he would fight for the relationship. She (understandably) wanted to feel desired by him, so she tested him by ending the relationship. I can guarantee you that the boyfriend believed that she ended the relationship because she wanted the relationship to end. But the truth is that she was ending the relationship specifically and exclusively because she did not want the relationship to end. I can give similar examples in which women have asked for things they didn't want in the hope that the man wouldn't give them to her, or others in which a woman has said things she didn't believe only to incite a reaction in a man (or another woman). The point is that, when a man responds to you, he is responding to what you've said or done under the assumption that it is immediately and directly motivated by what you want to happen.

5. Men think that women care just as much about physical attractiveness as men do. The fact that they believe this says a lot more about how important looks are to men than anything about how important looks are to women. It is projection through and through, and causes a lot of men to be insecure about their looks - almost as much as women are insecure about their looks, just without a valid reason. It also leads to men neglecting the important aspects of their character in order to learn how to dress perfectly, or spend all day in the gym. Women are left with a pool of jacked-up, perfectly-dressed, shaved-chested pussies from which to choose a husband, rather than confident and intelligent men of character who are a little rough around the edges. (Yes, I know this is an exaggeration, but the point is that you have fewer men to choose from.) If you've ever looked around and wondered "where are all the good men?" this is probably a big factor in answering your question.

You'll notice that all of these misconceptions are due to projection, encouraged by the notion that men and women are the same - which is not anywhere near as similar as people think it is to men and women being equal. Anyway, keep these things in mind next time a guy does something confusing - chances are one of these will explain why.


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You Don't Need to Like Sports

I've traveled a lot. I've lived in Europe twice, spent months at a time in Africa and India, and have visited dozens of other countries in south and central America, the Middle East and Europe (no, I am not in the military). I don't say this to brag or show off, but to lend a little more weight to the observation inspiring this post. The time I've spent abroad has given me a fairly good grasp on the differences between American women and foreigners. This understanding, in turn, helps me to recognize the characteristics that are universally feminine, as opposed to those that are specific to the women in the United States, or any other culture.

One thing that is unique to the United States is how much American women watch sports. Perhaps I am noticing this more recently because it is the middle of the American Football season, but in any case the trend is unmistakable. Women in the United States have favorite teams, know the names of all the players, and watch every game. They cheer with excitement when there is a good play, swear at the referees when they make a bad call, have opinions about who will beat whom, and generally invest a good deal of their identity as a fan of their chosen team.

This doesn't really happen outside the United States. I am sure there are some places where women care about sports more than others, but I have yet to go anywhere outside the U.S. and find women out-shouting men at a bar where a "big game" is being shown on TV. In the U.S. it happens regularly, so it is clear that this is a cultural (rather than sexual) phenomenon.

Most sports are inherently masculine. They are physical, aggressive, strategic and competitive. Perhaps more importantly, "scoring" is characterized in most sports by the same kind of build-up and break-through that occurs in the male orgasm (it isn't a coincidence that men use the same term to refer to getting laid), and in other traditionally masculine pursuits, like hunting and scientific investigation. And while this doesn't mean that women can't or shouldn't participate in sports, or even thoroughly enjoy them, it does mean that any pressure a woman feels to watch or participate in them is most likely external and cultural, rather than internal and authentic.

More to the point here, liking sports will not make you more attractive to men. As I have pointed out before, trying to be one of the guys is a bad dating strategy. There is nothing lamer than that girl at the bar on game-day, wearing face-paint and a team jersey, yelling at the players or referees on the screen in an attempt to prove to the guys around her how much she knows about the game. It is almost the definition of trying too hard, and it is a huge turn-off. While taking an interest the things he likes (sports) is a demonstration of good-will, admiration, and maybe even loyalty, being as obsessed about hockey as he is will not make him want to bang you or date you; it will (at most) make him want to be your friend.

I occasionally pick up Cosmopolitan to see what kind of advice they are giving, and I read there once that men said they like a girl who loves sports. I don't doubt that men have said this, but that doesn't mean it is any truer than the female claim to like men who are able to cry during movies. While both are kind of nice ideas in theory, the behaviors of both sexes in choosing partners betray their real preferences. And yes, of course, there are girls who are epic sports fans and still get guys, but I can promise you that this is because they are hot or fun to be around - not because they are sports fans. 

So if you are American girl, and feel like you aren't fitting in because you don't know the name of your local basketball team's point guard, or if you find yourself tempted to mimic that one girl you know that has men swarming over her as she spouts football statistics, take a moment to recognize that (a) it isn't her love of sports that is attracting those men, and (b) if it isn't something you genuinely like, you shouldn't be doing it anyway.

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On Being a "Typical" Girl

I always cringe when I hear girls talk about a situation with a guy they like (or are dating), and they end with something like “…of course I am over-analyzing the situation, like a typical girl.” On the most recent occasion, which prompted me to write this post, a girl that I know was causally sleeping with a guy who would sometimes be affectionate and boyfriend-like, but at other times would seem completely disinterested. She explained this to me, and ended her narrative with the line I quoted above.

There are three things that bother me about this comment whenever I hear it. The first is that it is an expression of voluntary ignorance. It can be roughly translated to mean:

"Something feels wrong about my relationship, but the right thing for me to do is sit back and ignore my feeling of discontent. Silence and time will make me realize that there really is no problem – aside my own anxious and emotionally-driven behavior."

However, the glaringly obvious reality in these situations is that there is a very legitimate problem that needs to be addressed – or at least admitted. In most instances, the problem is that the guy is less interested in the girl than she wants him to be. The guy's behavior betrays this in subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) ways, the perception of which the girl is trying to sweep under the carpet. The action of categorically blaming "typical" female tendencies is actually just a psychological reflex or excuse, designed to postpone the inevitable pain that will come with rejection.

The second problem is a more serious one: by calling herself a "typical girl," with negative connotations, a woman is categorically insulting her own sex. The obvious implication is “women are all idiots because we stress out about men too much, are overly-emotional, and can't think reasonably about our relationships.” Not only is this not true (see below), but it is self-deprecating. Talking badly about yourself – let alone your whole sex – is always a bad policy. It is never necessary, and it demonstrates a lack of confidence that is hugely unattractive. Even if being a “typical girl” were obviously a bad thing, voluntarily drawing attention to it (or any associated behavior) would be a bad move.

The third problem, which is the most serious, is that a women who dismisses her feelings by calling herself a "typical girl" has no confidence in her emotions. Of course, it doesn't help that when a woman voices her feelings about a problem in a relationship, men will often tell her that she needs to “chill out,” or “stop being so emotional,” or even that she should “stop being such a girl.” But listening to and agreeing with a man who says this kind of thing – especially one with a vested interest in winning the argument or discussion – is nothing short of spineless. You have feelings, and your feelings tell you that something is wrong. They are legitimate feelings; you have them for a reason. Yet the second someone tells you that you need to stop being so emotional (and sometimes even without being prompted), you immediately doubt everything you feel, apparently convinced that there is something wrong with you for feeling the way you do. And then you actually verbalize that conviction, going as far as to insult your whole sex by blaming it on your womanhood. It is the ultimate expression of self-doubt.

Imagine if men did the equivalent. Imagine if your boyfriend came to you with a logical and well-expressed concern about the way things were going in the relationship. Then imagine if you, in response, flared up with emotion and screamed at him, telling him that he was being too logical and needed to feel more – that he needed to stop thinking so much. Maybe you would throw something at him while screaming this, just to add emphasis. He would stop and think for a moment, then agree, and then say something like “Yeah… yeah, I mean… I guess you’re right. I guess I am just being a typical guy... I really need to stop rationalizing everything.” Then he’d walk away - a bit puzzled, but ultimately convinced, and wondering how he could go about becoming more emotional.

Yeah, exactly – it would be absurd.

But this is precisely what goes on when a woman calls into question her primary tool for navigating relationships - that is, her intuition and emotions. A man is more rationally-focused, more logical in his approach to relationships; but this doesn't make him more right. We live in a world where Reason and Logic are increasingly championed as the only legitimate sources of knowledge. A few hundred years ago, this was chiefly a western error, one that we now refer to as “The Enlightenment.” But the influence of that movement is slowly propagating across the world, and destroying in its wake all confidence in emotional and intuitive knowledge – women’s strengths. In fact, it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that The Enlightenment induced Feminism, which could only thrive in a society that managed to convince itself that there was something inherently better about the masculine ways of operating in the world and understanding it - in other words, doing so via logic and reason rather via intuition and feeling.

I guess what I am getting at here is that the modern philosophical trends aren't on a woman’s side when her feelings about a relationship are called into question – but that doesn't mean that those feelings are wrong. Likewise, a man who only wants to continue having sex with you isn't exactly going to affirm the emotions telling you that something is off; but that in no way undermines their legitimacy. Just because outside sources are telling you that your feelings are whimsical doesn't mean that you should second-guess yourself.

The next time you feel something inside of you sink at the attitude of a guy's text-message, don’t doubt that feeling just because he asks you “what’s wrong?” and you struggle to pinpoint it. Believe your feelings. Have confidence in your intuition. Similarly, the next time you feel undesired because your boyfriend is spending more time with his friends than he's spending with you, don’t call that feeling into question just because he coldly and “logically” argues that he would be a bad friend if he spent less time with them. Trust your emotions. You wouldn't feel bad about the situation if there was nothing wrong about it. (For example, in this situation the problem is probably that you want a man who loves you enough that he is at least tempted to ignore his friends for you, which he clearly is not.)

So to conclude: be vulnerable in acknowledging the reality of your relationships. Even if you struggle with this, stop talking down on your own sex by stereotyping your reluctance to face the truth as “typical.” Most importantly, stop undermining the legitimacy of your feelings by backing down every time they are questioned, or even mistrusting them yourself. Don't be shy about using your emotions and intuition to navigate your relationships; they are legitimate sources of knowledge, and they are your unique strengths as a woman: be proud of them.


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Less Masculine = More Feminine

I pulled the following statement from the comments of the post The Analogy Between Confidence and Beauty:

So I had a revelation about a few weeks ago...and it pertains almost exactly to this post. I'm a confident 7, well-spoken girl but have always wondered why I'm having such issues with attracting the right type of guys when I have such a well-rounded personality. So I started to experiment with how I acted around guys. I became more feminine, I would act more sweet, talk less, be less witty or sarcastic and it was crazy how many more guys came flocking to me. It was kind of disheartening though that I had to become this demure thing to attract more guys. I felt like I was compromising myself, and at times not even being myself because I had to bite my tongue so much and watch what I said. I don't want to be a bobblehead airhead girl, but it seems as though that's what guys want. How do I attract the men I want without compromising myself?

I want to share my response, because I have had similar questions from other readers, and it is an important point for any woman trying to understand her feminine self in the modern world:

You only think of behaving in a more feminine manner as "compromising yourself" because you've been conditioned to think of your personal value in purely masculine terms. But why is it "compromising" to be MORE feminine? You are too fixated on the fact that you are being LESS masculine. Yes, you are LESS ambitious, LESS witty, LESS assertive; but why think of these changes in negative terms? What about the fact that you've become MORE receptive, or MORE radiant, sweetER, or MORE beautiful?

Men and women are two halves of a whole: one typically active (male) and one typically passive (female). But neither one is more important or better than the other, any more than an electrical plug and socket - which are typically referred to as "male" and "female" - are more or less important when it comes to conveying electricity.

It is only because "success" in our society is defined in masculine terms that you feel like you have reduced or compromised yourself as a person by this change. So instead of considering what you've subtracted or "repressed" by being LESS male, focus on what you've added or improved by being MORE female.

There is one more important point here: even though the "bobblehead airhead girl" gets good responses from men, this doesn't mean that she therefore represents the ideal of femininity that men seek. Men prefer her because there are elements of the "bobblehead" that they like: her carefree spirit, her flirtiness, her willingness to be led, her cheerfulness, etc. Her characteristic stupidity and lack of substance are things that men merely tolerate in order to experience the feminine qualities that they desire so deeply - that is, the qualities that men do not typically have in themselves and cannot get from masculine women.

If this seems unfair or counter-intuitive, consider that women behave similarly in their selection of men: they often tolerate insensitivity, excessive pride or stubbornness (i.e. they date "assholes") only because these qualities are unfortunately common in most of the men who have the masculine qualities that they want: strength, aggression, unshakable confidence, ambition, etc. - in other words, the qualities that women do not typically have in themselves and cannot get from feminine men.


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The Dynamics of Dating Shy Men

A post I made about why women shouldn't take the initiative in relationships evoked some questions about how to deal with shy men - after all, shy men don't chase women, and are unlikely to initiate anything. If a girl doesn't approach or initiate contact with a shy man, nothing will happen. This is true, but handling this situation isn't as simple as you might think...

The first thing to do when you find yourself attracted to a shy man is to question your feelings for him. In other words, ask yourself "Am I attracted in spite of or because of his shyness?"

• If you like him because of his shyness, ask yourself further: why do you find shyness attractive in a man? Is that feeling authentic? Do you like his shyness only because you feel like you can't get a confident man? Do you not mind being more socially powerful than him? Women who are attracted to shy men are sometimes manifesting their need to feel dominance over a man (e.g. because they had an absent or abusive father). Other times they run to shy men after being rejected by a confident one (an "Asshole").
• If you like him in spite of his shyness, ask yourself further: could you respect a shy man? Would you admire him? In 10 years, will you still find it attractive? This is important because you need to know if his shyness will ultimately be an impediment to a serious relationship. If you know - deep down - that you could never be with a man who doesn't have the balls to pursue you, then you shouldn't waste your time with him (or waste his time with you).

If you answer these questions sincerely and still want to date him, you then face the problem of making it happen - or rather, making him make it happen.

I used to be shy. My little brother is shy (with girls). A very close friend of mine is extremely shy, and I know plenty of other guys that are shy. For me it is a familiar mindset. Shy guys, almost by definition, do not have the balls to initiate and pursue women. They fall outside of the predator-prey model for sexual interactions that is assumed in the "don't initiate contact" rule. So it is acceptable for you to initiate with a shy guy. But there are a couple caveats...

The problem with male shyness is that it wears off in specific situations. A shy man may never become courageous enough to approach women in general, but he can eventually grow comfortable with a girlfriend or wife. As the fear of the unknown dissipates with increased familiarity, a shy man's confidence in his interactions with you will rise. His masculine instincts will kick in, and in some cases you can end up with a man that acts towards you the same way that a confident man would have acted from the outset.

So, if you do choose to initiate, do so only during the early stages of dating, that is, until he builds his confidence and comfort around you. Once this happens, you will need to gradually assume a less assertive (more traditionally female) role, because he will then be more liable to get bored with you, wonder if he could do better, consider his other options (the perception of which his newly-found confidence will likely inflate), fool around, etc.

The second caveat is that even a shy man has pride. Though he knows his own limitations (as prescribed by his shyness), he also knows what a typical man is "supposed to do." So he recognizes, too, when you are doing it for him. This will offend him if you flaunt it, or if it is evident due simply to the social magnitude of the task you've assumed (for example, if you take his hand and lead him through a crowd). That offense will reflect negatively on you and the relationship. So be careful about how much (and which) initiative you take. Unfortunately there is no quantifiable or simple rule here, as his threshold for embarrassment will vary in proportion to his shyness and his pride, which are different in every man.

So how do you initiate? Well, for starters, in the early stages, you will need to give him blatant signs of your interest. Aside from their innate male tendency to overlook anything that isn't spelled out in black and white, shy men will by default doubt any sign of your affection. The reason for this is that shy men are more concerned with avoiding the social catastrophe of asking you out and failing than they are of getting you. This is what prevents them from taking the initiative in the first place. If they have even the slightest doubt about your intentions they will hold back. So whatever you would normally do to indicate your interest to a confident man, double or triple it for a shy man (in proportion to his shyness):

• If you would touch him lightly on the arm for 1.5 seconds, hold the contact for 4 or 5 seconds. 
• If you would hold eye contact with a confident man for 2 seconds to show him that you are interested, hold a shy man's gaze for 3 or 4 seconds, or do it repeated times. 
• If you would normally drop a single verbal hint that you'd like to hang out sometime, do it three times before expecting anything from a shy man.
• If you would normally expect a kiss on the second date from a confident man, wait until at least fifth or sixth to be kissed by a shy man - and in fact, you should probably just make this move yourself.

While I don't suggest that you overtly ask out a shy guy on an "official" date (this would too flagrantly undermine what he knows to be his role as described above), I do suggest that you suggest and then ask him to hang out under casual pretenses. Of course, he will question this over and over in his mind, wondering whether you were asking him to hang out just to be friends, or if you wanted something more. So show him that you want something more - ask repeatedly.

In general, you will need to carry the relationship up until the point that it is "official." When it has been established (or is otherwise clear) that the two of you are together, then you should start reducing your initiative and letting him take the reins. As I said, he will probably start to do this on his own anyway, so rather than forcing it, just be cognizant of the transition. Comments like "Oh, I thought you were going drive/get the tickets/plan the trip/[insert other traditionally masculine roles here]" can help in priming his confidence if it seems to be lagging and it bothers you.

Dating a shy man takes a lot of initial investment for an uncertain outcome. You will probably get frustrated at his lack of response to your initiatives. The biggest problem is that it won't be clear to you whether or not his unresponsiveness is a product of his shyness or his lack of interest in you - because it could be either one. Shy men have taste and standards too. His persistent willingness to hang out with you might be stem from a real interest, but it also might be a manifestation of his unfulfilled desire for female attention; he could just enjoy dabbling in the idea of a relationship but at the same time not like you enough to want anything serious with you. Unfortunately there is no easy way to discern his true intentions without putting yourself on the line over and over again, and seeing how he responds. This can be humiliating, frustrating, even infuriating, and it can ultimately still end in failure. (If nothing else, this will give you good insight into what it is like to be a man.)

While all of this sounds like it might be too difficult to deal with - and many women will come to that conclusion - it is worth pointing out that if you can navigate through the difficult aspects of attracting and dating a shy man, he is likely to be completely faithful to you. Due to the lack of female attention he has attracted or received, he is like an emotional spring that you will release. If you are looking for an abundance of devotion, he has it to give.

So, in conclusion, if you are interested in a shy man, start by questioning that feeling. If his shyness is not a deal-breaker for you, you can initiate, but you need to be careful about striking a balance between sending strong enough signals and not offending his masculine pride. It is a difficult tightrope to walk, but the consolation is that these men rarely receive attention from women, and have a lot of love and devotion to give you.


Related Posts
1. The More Confident He Is, The Less He Likes You
2. Don't Initiate Contact
3. Learn How to Be Social

What Men Think About Your Intelligence

A reader recently commented on the post Men Don't Care About Your Accomplishments.

I am a highly intelligent woman, though not a genius by any means. However, men my age tell me that intelligence is not a turn-on for them. They say that as long as a woman is "reasonably intelligent" that is what they need... This makes me think that I might be possibly too cerebral to attract men... I laugh but I'm not bubbly and I never dumb myself down for men.

Someone rightly pointed out that part of what put men off was my desire to correct things they said that were inaccurate or participate in verbal sparring (I appreciate a good debate). I've reigned that in with good results but I want a man who actually likes my intelligence.

Is this a matter of men liking different things? Does my intelligence make no difference at all? Or is it a matter of combining my intelligence with enough social leverage to not make it my main feature?

This isn't the first time this question has shown up in the comments of this blog - or in my e-mail. I have also discussed the topic at length with my sisters, their friends, and a couple of the girls I've dated. And judging from their absolute disbelief at what I've told them, there is some news to be shared here...

No woman wants to date a weak man. In fact, a man's attractiveness to women hinges on her perception of his personal strength. A man could manifest his strength in many ways: he could be financially powerful (rich), physically powerful (tall or strong), socially powerful (confident), intellectually powerful (smart or witty), morally powerful (good), politically powerful (highly positioned), etc.; but unless you respect and admire him for his strength, however it is manifested, you will not be attracted to him. Even the best-looking man in the world will be rejected by women once they realize he is weak.

Men know that their role in a relationship is to be the more powerful one, and to use their power to protect and provide for their woman and children. If you subscribe to evolutionary biology's take on history, you will recognize this as a result of the fact that women have long been the physically weaker sex, and traditionally they have needed a male to protect and provide for them and their offspring. But reasons aside, the fact remains that men want to be the stronger mate in relationships. It gives us a feeling of importance to take care of our woman and children - it gives us purpose.

Women also prefer this state of affairs, as is evidenced by the fact that women routinely choose more powerful men as their partners. Women want a man who can hold his own among other men, who is impressive to them, and whom they admire for his strength.

Now, one of the most important signs of a man's power is his intelligence. It is the most pervasive expression of power because it touches every aspect of a man's life and facilitates all other expressions of power. For example, an heir to a large inheritance has financial power, but without the savvy to invest it wisely, that power will be squandered. A man might be physically strong, but unless he knows how to fight technically, he will be beaten soundly by much smaller, weaker opponents (the martial arts demonstrate this). Or a man might have all the social confidence in the world, but unless he is smart and discerning enough to know how and when to wield it, he will alienate those around him.

Intellectual strength is also instrumental in developing other strengths or powers. A man who is smart enough to understand the biological mechanisms behind dieting is going to be a much more effective in his workouts than the stereotypical dumb jock. He will see faster and better results, and will end up being physically stronger (all else being equal). Or a man who is sharp enough to observe and understand social dynamics will eventually gain more leverage over social situations than will a stupid but naturally confident person; his presence will become more commanding. Or again - more simply - smart men are more successful at their jobs and make more money than unintelligent ones.

One of the most common comments on the post Men Don't Care About Your Accomplishments, is the suggestion that men are are "threatened" or "intimidated" by smart, accomplished and intelligent women. When a woman is smarter than a man in a relationship, it isn't necessarily "intimidating" or "threatening," but it does rob him of a large portion of the power he feels that he needs in order to fulfill his role in the relationship - that is, in order to protect and provide for his woman and children. Note that it isn't his absolute power that is important here, but his power relative to hers. He needs to feel both powerful himself and needed by her in the relationship, both needs being intimately linked.

If this doesn't make sense, consider the same point by analogy: a man needs to feel admired and respected in a relationship in the same way that a woman needs to feel adored and desired. A woman's traditional role is to be the mother of the couple's children, and in order to fulfill that role she needs to be beautiful and radiant enough to attract her man - to make him want her sexually. A man who feels powerless in a relationship is like a woman who feels undesired in a relationship.

Alternatively, imagine how it would feel to date a man who was far more physically attractive than you. I don't mean more attractive "for a man;" I mean more attractive absolutely. Imagine he is tall, incredibly handsome, has the perfect physique and dresses impeccably. You, on the other hand, are slightly out of shape, have aged faster, aren't the best looking woman in the world, don't really do the whole "make up thing" well, and can never seem to pull off "stylish." Now imagine walking into a party on this man's arm. Heads turn from every direction as you walk in, but to take in his beauty - not yours. You are barely noticed. This is how a man of inferior intelligence (read: weakness) can feel in the presence of a woman who is much smarter than him. And this probably goes a long way towards illustrating how the feeling isn't "threatening" or "intimidating" so much as demoralizing - which is worse.

All of this is background to making the point that men want to be smarter than their woman, and they want this not because they are proud or misogynist, but in order to feel a sense of purpose. They aren't afraid of or threatened by smarter women, but their woman's intelligence can prevent them from having the advantage of power that makes them feel masculine and garners their woman's admiration.

Most women will admit that they don't actually want to be smarter than their man. While it might initially be an affront to hear that men want to be smarter than the women they date, you actually have the corollary desire. You want to be smart, and you understandably want to be given credit for your intelligence; but you know that intellectual ability plays heavily into a man's strength, and you want your man to be powerful - not only so that he can protect and provide for you, but also because you cannot be attracted to a man you don't admire and respect.

There are two caveats to this generalization:

1. Men will feel the need to be more intelligent than their woman in proportion to how masculine they are, because this dictates how much need they feel the need to fill a traditionally masculine role in relationships. It is also true that women will feel the need for their man to be more powerful than themselves in proportion to how feminine they are.
2. As mentioned above, there are different types of power. While intelligence is undeniably important, what ultimately matters is that the man and woman both value the same manifestation(s) of power and that the man has the advantage in that regard - whether or not this includes intelligence specifically. So, for example, maybe he and she both care most about physical power. Even though she is smarter, she will still respect and admire him for his height and physical strength; and he will be proud to fill the role as the one who is physically stronger in the relationship. In most instances, couples will put various levels of value on some combination of the different manifestations of power rather than all of it on one of them. But in the majority of relationships, intellect will play a large role.

One final and important point: intelligence is still undoubtedly a positive trait in women, so long as it does not undermine the man's strength by exceeding his. One of my favorite qualities of my most recent ex-girlfriend was her willingness and ability to talk for hours about our observations, ideas, and experiences related to a vast variety of subjects. She was always curious and often pensive. She was probably the smartest girl I have ever dated, and it might not be a coincidence that she was my most serious girlfriend.

So to conclude: a woman's intelligence is undoubtedly an attractive quality, but it has the negative side-effect of undermining a man's ability to feel powerful, and a woman's ability to admire him. The moral? Seek out men that are smarter than you, or at least, men that you still admire greatly in spite of their lesser intelligence. Keep at an arm's length any man whose overall abilities you start to question. Be cognizant of his feelings of strength in the relationship, always making sure that he feels - or rather, knows - that he is more powerful than you. And finally, smarter-than-average women: rest assured that your intelligence is not a negative in the dating world. While it is true that unintelligent men might be turned off by their own relative inability, your intelligence will be highly valued by the men you find most attractive - that is, the smartest ones.


Related Posts
1. No, Your Intelligence Isn't the Problem
2. Men Care About How You Talk
3. Men Don't Care About Your Accomplishments
4. The Analogy Between Confidence and Beauty

How to Make Any Outfit Better

Any outfit can be improved by adding lace. Lace makes an outfit look ornate, eye-catching and more feminine. I have yet to meet a man who doesn't find it more attractive. Next time you buy something new, consider getting it with a lace fringe or overlay - or wearing one with it. I think you will be surprised by how much more attention you get because of it. If lace isn't possible, flowered patters are a close second.

(And no she isn't hotter on the left only because she is wearing hoop earrings - though she looks good in both pictures partially due to her heels and hair.)

Here is another example:

I realize there are probably instances when lace is inappropriate or excessive, but the point here is that you are probably not wearing enough of it, especially if you live in a sexually de-polarized country like the United States.

An Interesting Hair Experiment...

I want you to help me conduct an experiment.

For a couple of years now I've realized just how much I am attracted to the hairstyle that most women call "half-up, half-down" or more simply, "half-up." Whatever it is called, I love it when girls wear their hair the way the women in these pictures are wearing it. It is extremely sexy and elegant at the same time, and immediately draws me to a woman. It is almost uncanny how much it affects my judgement of a woman's appearance. I find myself checking out bigger girls who are wearing their hair that way, or losing interest in (previously) attractive women once they change from that hairstyle to another, or else staring at a picture of a normal girl, not understanding why I am attracted, only to eventually realize that her hair is half-up.

I've thought a lot about why I like it so much, but nothing makes sense. I've never dated a girl who wore it that way often, or even had a crush on one who did. My mom or sisters never really wore their hair like that, my babysitters didn't, my teachers didn't - no one did. The only semi-believable reason I can think of is that some of the female Disney characters (who for most men my age were the first icons of female beauty) wore their hair like that, and maybe left an impression on me; though I don't remember being particularly attracted to one more than any of the others. It isn't an overly popular hairstyle in the United States. In fact, it is practically never worn in comparison to, say, Turkey and Italy or Lebanon (and probably other Mediterranean countries), where it is extremely popular.*

In any case, this has puzzled me enough that I've started asking my male friends what they think about this hairstyle; and I've been surprised to hear how much they agree that it is really attractive. In other words, maybe it isn't just my personal taste.



So here is what I would like you to do: the next time you go out, wear your hair in some variation of the "half-up" style depicted here, especially if it is not a style you usually wear. Go out like you normally would and pay attention to what happens. Then, in the comments of this post, report your findings. Let me know what comments you receive - positive or negative - and let me know if you had more or less (and better or worse) attention from men. You can also comment on the type of men if you notice a trend. Get your girlfriends to do the same on another night (so that you aren't all wearing the same hairstyle - awkward) and see how it works for them, or have them leave their own comments.

As motivation, here are some thoughts about how participating in this experiment could benefit you:

1. You might discover a hairstyle that looks good on you.
2. I've been told it is an "easy" hairstyle to make and wear.
3. By taking a fashion risk, you will better understand what hairstyles look good on you.
4. You will expand your comfort zone, and therefore your confidence.
5. Because this hairstyle is not very popular in the countries that most of my readers are from, you will most likely stand out from other girls - in a good way.
6. You will contribute to the pool of knowledge about what men like.

I'll look forward to seeing the results.

_______________________________

* The fact that all of these countries are more sexually polarized than the United States is another hint at what I suspect might be the reason why men find it so attractive.

Related Posts:

1. The Importance of Hair

2. How to Improve Your Hair

3. Hair and Makeup Variety

Should You Give a Guy Your Last Name?

I used to ask girls for their last name when I got their phone numbers. I would do this for two reasons:

1. Because it was normally a hint about their ethnic background or family history, which could lead to interesting conversation or tell me a little more about her.
2. Because there was an empty field for it in my phone contact and I felt compelled to complete it.

A lot of girls balked at my request for their last name. This was understandable, since they didn't know me well, and I supposed they didn't like the idea that I might be able to look them up online. Enough women refused (I'd say more than half) that I eventually stopped asking. After all, I would learn it eventually, and it didn't matter much in the meantime. I could curb my need to complete the empty field in my contacts, and if I was curious to know their ethnic background I would just ask about it.

I suspect other guys have had similar experiences, so it is fair to say that most men won't mind if you don't give them your last name - this is expected. Certainly they won't hold it against you if they ask for it and you tell them "I'll tell you when we get to know each other a little better."

However, on rare occasions I will ask a girl for her number and she will actually volunteer her last name. This seems like a small thing, but in retrospect it goes a long way in forming my initial impression of a girl. Again, I would never hold it against her if she didn't want to give me her last name, but her offering it is like a breath of fresh air. In the middle of a world of skepticism, mistrust, and concern about stalking, you suddenly stumble upon someone who trusts, who is open, candid, and unassuming. Some might call these girls naive, but from the perspective of a guy who is genuinely interested in getting to know her, it is a sign of goodwill, openness and trust. This is very endearing and feminine. People tend to expect from others what they are disposed to themselves, so a girl who is willing to give you her last name is the kind of girl that assumes the best of everyone - probably because she is a good person herself. This is the kind of girl that men like.

So the next time he is taking down your number, offer your last name too.

Are You Repressing Your Femininity?

In the same vein as the recent post I made about femininity, authenticity and compatibility, the following are excerpts from David Deida’s book Dear Lover (Chapter 9):

As a young woman, you may have dreamt of masculine saviors: horses, pop stars, white nights - any animal  or human, real or imaginary, that could take you somewhere new, somewhere magic. Deep in your heart you felt that someday a man would see your true beauty, your true light, your boundless ocean of love, and take you to the place you always wanted to be...

But at some point, you probably stopped trusting the yearning of your own feminine heart. You may have absorbed the anti-feminine attitude of your culture. Or possibly your family strongly emphasized masculine values.

For one reason or another, you probably became convinced that it is better - stronger - to navigate for yourself, to take yourself somewhere rather than trust to be taken by love.

Maybe your parents found your little sister more pretty than you, so you protected your crushed heart with a shell of masculine ambition. "My little sister may be pretty, but I'm going to be a scientist!" Perhaps you felt how your mother was restricted and belittled by your father, so you protected your vulnerable heart with a shell of masculine control: "Nobody is going to tell me what to do. I'm the sailor of my own ship!"

If you chose to be a scientist because you loved science, or chose to navigate your own life because that was your greatest bliss, then such decisions would be healthy and fulfilling. But if you chose to be a scientist because your parents ignored your radiance and your heart was crushed, or if you chose to guide your own life because you didn't want to be hurt like your mother was, then you have created shells built of fear rather than moved by the openness of love.

Beneath all your shells, your deep heart is always full of love's light. So, at heart, showing open as light and flowing open as love's offering is the most ecstatic and true way to live. But your acquired shells have their own voice: "Beauty is only skin deep." "My mind is more important than my body." "I can't trust men." "If I want a man's love I've got to make him want me." "My professional goals are more crucial to my life's happiness than who I go with or how much love I offer through my life and every breath."

These are all lies, and your deep feminine heart knows it. Yet, you are confused, because your shells can be so strong. You can come to believe the lies of your shells, and therefore, you can live an entire life betraying your deepest desire: to be recognized as light, adored and worshiped as love's radiance, offering yourself as a gift of love to be claimed by true divine masculine integrity...

Perhaps you try to trust a man and he eventually leaves you. Again you feel betrayed, so now, again from fear, you build yet another shell - "independent career woman" - that will protect you from being hurt or left in the cold by a man's untrustable commitment.

If you are like most women, you were born with a more feminine sexual essence...

If any of this caught your attention, you can get the book on Amazon.com.

I know a couple girls that have also gotten a lot from reading The Way of The Superior Man, which is also by David Deida. It is written for men, but touches on most of the same principles, just from a male rather than female perspective. Some people, myself included, prefer the more direct writing style in The Way of The Superior Man.

In any case, if this post is interesting to you, or if you are curious about the implications of sexual difference, I highly recommend both books.

The Big Picture

Somehow I missed reading this post in detail when it was written, but I just did, and really liked it:

Hooking Up Smart: 25 Politically Incorrect But Effective Ways To Make Him Your Boyfriend

I actually disagree with a couple small things in the list, but it paints an excellent overall picture of how a girl should dispose herself towards men if she wants them (or just one) to love her. Especially if you are young, or inexperienced with men (perhaps you didn't have much instruction from your parents about the opposite sex) I highly recommend setting this as the backdrop for the more specific things you learn about how to attract men.

Femininity, Authenticity and Compatibility

I was on a second date last week, and towards the end of the evening the girl told me "You know what I like about you? You don't ask me what I want." I laughed because although I knew what she was trying to say, it sounded like "I like you because you ignore me." So she clarified: "No, I mean, like when it comes to where we are going or how we are getting there, you are decisive and know what you want. You always check to make sure your decision is OK with me, but you don't need my opinion to have your own. Other guys will constantly ask me what I want to do, even though I really don't care; and then it is just awkward because we go back and forth trying to 'let' each other decide - but I don't want to have to make the decisions."

This girl and I are compatible (in this sense, at least) because I am decisive and comfortable with being in control, while she is laid-back and likes to be taken care of. In this respect, I am very masculine and she is very feminine. We work together. If I didn't take charge and wasn't as decisive, or if she wanted more input than I offered her, we would have problems.

Years ago I used to think that women would like me if I bowed to their every wish. I would constantly fight my natural inclination to take charge in an effort to accommodate the girl's desires - which is probably exactly what my date's previous boyfriends and dates were doing. Like them, I would try to let her choose the time of the date or the restaurant, because I assumed that she cared. And this usually led to the kind of awkward back-and-forth she described. The reality was always that I knew exactly what I wanted to do for the date, but I was so wrapped up in wanting to please her, and so wrong about what she really wanted from me, that I repressed my urge to follow my masculine instinct to take charge.

I say all this in order to draw an analogy for women: in the same way that I didn't realize that women wanted me to let my masculine tendencies govern my interactions with them, many woman don't understand that men want women to let their feminine instincts guide their behavior. By feminine instincts I mean - among other things - a woman's desire to be taken care of, to be protected, to feel small, and to be desired or wanted (rather than self-sufficient). Men love these things about women because it gives us an opportunity to be in control, to protect, or to feel strong and self-sufficient - in other words, to exercise our masculine selves. By suppressing those instincts, you fight your nature and thereby inhibit your ability to attract, love and be loved by a man.

Many women either project their own desires onto men and assume that men want women to be (for example) decisive, powerful and goal-oriented, or else they believe these things because we are all told them by the undercurrents of feminism in modern American culture. However the seeds of the these ideas are planted, the result is the same: these women mask their authentic, feminine selves due to misinformation about what men want.

A simplistic understanding of the advice I offer on this blog would be "be more feminine and you will attract more men." Although this isn't a misunderstanding, it falls short of capturing the whole picture. Women are all feminine in varying degrees (just as men are masculine in varying degrees). Not every woman is the archetype of femininity, and it would be inauthentic for those who are less feminine to force themselves into the strictest "female" mold. However, it is just as inauthentic for a woman to suppress the natural feminine instincts that she does have.

So a better understanding of the advice I give on this blog would be "Allow your natural level of femininity to pervade your personality." If your experience is at all similar to mine, allowing your true sexuality to "drive you" will make you feel much more comfortable with yourself in your interactions with the opposite sex. The interactions will feel more easy and fluid, because you will be acting more in line with your natural instincts. Furthermore, you will start to attract men who are more naturally compatible with you. If you are less feminine, you will attract men that are naturally less masculine, and you will compliment each other better than if you tried dating an extremely masculine guy. Or if you are very feminine, you will stop attracting men who aren't masculine enough for you. You might find that you date fewer men (though I doubt this), but your dates will be more successful and "chemistry" will occur more frequently.

One word of caution: don't confuse "authenticity" with laziness or fear. Not wearing heels because you don't want sore feet shouldn't be excused by telling yourself you "aren't feminine enough" to wear them. Likewise, you shouldn't hide behind unflattering clothes by telling yourself you are a "tom-boy" or that they just attract "the wrong kind of attention," if the truth is that you are afraid to step outside of your comfort zone by wearing sexier, more feminine clothes.

Katy Perry is Brainwashing Women

I recently watched the music video for Katy Perry's song Part of Me (I was just hoping she would look hot in it).

I was sorely disappointed by her looks in the video, but more importantly, the story line also bothered me. It didn't take me long to realize why...

After apparently being cheated on, Katy Perry dumps her boyfriend (which is smart), and then decides to overcome the emotional pain by cutting her hair, joining the military and being "tough" and independent. I am hoping the not-so-subtle message of the video is less catchy than the song (which is still stuck in my goddamn head...), because it essentially says "if you are hurt by a man, an appropriate and liberating response is to de-feminize yourself."

Nothing could be further from the truth. No reaction to rejection will damage your chances with other men more (especially if you cut off your hair like she does in the video). A woman who responds to rejection by becoming more masculine is like an athlete who responds to a difficult loss in sports by intentionally injuring himself or skipping trainings and practices - it is absurd. The athlete damages the body or lose the skills that made him a competitive athlete in the first place, just as like Katy Perry throws away the disposition and looks that attract men the most. She gains her personal independence at the expense of attracting men. That is to say, by throwing away her femininity and closing herself to male companionship, she sacrifices the potential for long-term happiness in a good relationship (however difficult it might be to find) for the momentary happiness of personal "liberation."

When a message like this is surrounded by a catchy song and a flashy music video with a famous celebrity, it is inevitably romanticized, and the message can be difficult to divorce from its medium. Be careful about getting sucked in.

"The Difference Between" and "The Difference Among"

Many people’s understanding of the differences between the sexes is plauged by a single misconception, namely, that the difference between the sexes is greater than the difference among either of the sexes. This misconception can severely limit your chances with men, so it is worth acknowledging and correcting.

We are all familiar with the stereotypes of the sexes’ various capabilities or character traits: men are physically stronger than women; women are more intuitive than men; men are more independent than women; women are better at multi-tasking than men; etc. Few of us would dispute that these stereotypes are accurate.

Yet all of us have seen instances that disagree with these stereotypes in varying degrees. I’ve met a few women that could easily kick my ass and plenty that can beat me in sports; we’ve all encountered incredibly effeminate men, or women who are domineering and independent.

If you plotted each man or woman’s “rank” with respect to a given character trait on a linear scale, you would see a large amount of dispersion or “scatter” in the data. For example, a plot on the intuition scale might look something like this (each point represents a single man or woman):

(Note that the vertical dispersion of the data is just used to better-illustrate the horizontal dispersion)

Similar plots could be made for all kinds of characteristics:

• Height
• Physical strength
• Sex drive
• Risk aversion
• Sexual promiscuity
• Independence
• etc.

On this blog I make a lot of statements about men and women, about masculinity and femininity, and about the effects of these dispositions on male-female relationships. Understanding these differences is important – critical, even – in learning how to dispose oneself towards the opposite sex. But it is equally important to keep in mind that these differences are only the differences between the averages. Not all men and women will conform to these stereotypes, and it would be a mistake to insist that because some do not, they are not “real men” or “real women,” or to ignore them in your attempts to attract the opposite sex. Be aware of this while reading this blog and others.

For example, I might make a statement like "Men desire sex more than women," and this is perfectly true when you look at the average man and the average woman. But it is just as important to recognize that you may encounter men that are less sexually driven than most women you know, or women who are hornier than any guy you’ve ever met. More importantly, you may not conform to the female stereotype yourself, which would probably mean that you would benefit from looking for a guy who doesn’t conform to the male stereotype (in that respect) either.

The following plot illustrates how a random group of men or women might fall on a masculine-feminine scale – which can be thought of as the combination of a large number of character traits.

Notice that the difference between men and women with respect to the masculinity-femininity scale is actually smaller than the male or female variance on the same scale. Again, the difference among men or women is larger than the difference between them. If you ignore this fact, one of the following could result:

(a) By only paying attention to the stereotypical male, you might miss out on a type of guy that is more appropriate for you than the stereotype – a better match.

(b) In the course of trying try too hard to conform to the stereotype of femininity, you could deny your naturalinclinations. Although your natural self may not attract as many men as your stereotyped self, it may attract more of the kind of men you are interested in. (Though be careful not to confuse your natural inclinations with social pressure – for example, the pressure to succeed in your job.)

So while you are thinking about or reading about the differences between the sexes, remember that, in most respects, the difference among is greater than the difference between; and this in turn means that the guy best for you or most attractive to you may be somewhere closer to the limits of the “scatter” rather than the average when it comes to a particular personality or physical trait.


Related Posts
1. Femininity, Authenticity and Compatibility
2. Men and Sexual Variety
3. The Analogy Between Confidence and Beauty
4. The Analogy Between Sexual and Emotional Support